Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Sat, 05-17-2008 - 8:39pm
I am so glad to hear you say that despite the nailbiting it was still a pretty good day. I know that starting a business can be very anxiety provoking, so I think you have it right by taking one thing at a time and worrying about the other courses before worrying about that. *positive vibes* coming your way.

Photobucket


cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 05-22-2008 - 11:21pm
Hi Amanda and everybody else,
Amanda, thank you for your affirmations and quotes. Sometimes I leaf through them and occassionally I come across something that really hits home. That would apply to the one: I am entitled to feel good and live the way I want." I have been talking about that in therapy. Also applicable would be: "if you do not try something new, master something new, you cannot grow." That is really hard for me--I like staying in comfortable zones, find learning new thins very anxiety-producing.
This week, I have basically been picking at one or two cuticles, not letting them heal, while the rest of the hands are healing. I have been feeling the sensations of anxiety in the pit of my stomach and my chest--even during the therapy sessions.
It has to do a lot with the coaching thing--but a lot more than just starting a business. I am nowhere nearly up to that point of time yet--I always jump ahead and worry about something that is still far in the future.
Did you write a quote about that too? I think so. See how many of them apply to me!
Humor has its place, but seriously, because anxiety is such a major part of me, I have to work on it constantly. Through analysis of the situation, my therapist and I have concluded that a lot of the anxiety has to do with making decisions, decisions about how I spend my time. I do not handle making decisions very well.
My parents are also planning their yearly visit in the fall and I am also starting to tense up about that--a very old problem! I get anxious about that they will criticize me, that I still have not met their goals--which may or may not be my goals--depending. Separating from them is also a major therapy issue.
I am not even sure whether coaching is right for me or not.
I once read that people with low self-esteem, a group I belong to, and addicts often have this anxiety sensation: I am walking on firm ground right now, but who knows? the next step may land me on a land mine. That anxiety, the not knowing, the inability to decide, the drifting from thing to thing, my parents, etc., etc., etc., all combine to make me very anxious.
I find that when I write or lern Scriptures I am not anxious--which is why my hands are in such good shape. I have been doing that a lot lately.
But then I feel guilty--like I shoul be doing the coaching work instead--anxiety starts up.
This is tied in to giving myself permission to do what I enjoy vs. what I should be doing. My therapist has suggested replacing the SHOULD with COULD, to read: what I could be doing.
So, as you can see, the fear of the business angle is just the tip of a very big iceberg.
One other new interesting development: as you know, I started working with my current therapist when he was still living in Israel, but he moved to Ontario about six years ago. we were sufficiently involved in good work and I did not want to start again with yet another therapist. He respected that and we have been working on the phone ever since.
New development--I told him I got skype and he was open to it. So, yesterday we had our first session via skype. Great for my phone bill--no more phone bill. that has been a very long-term goal, bringing down my phone bill.
At its highest, it was almost 2000 shekalim, and is now down to about 600 shekalim. Even without knowing the exchange rate, which is irrelevant to this story, anyone can see I have come a long way. So, figure it out--two sessions per week, one hour each session, times four weeks, equals eight hours a month. My therapist is a very conservative professional, but he is also open to trying new things.
A lot of people think online therapy will gain momentum during the coming years, especially when skype and other services allow for video--so a person can be seen.
I think for people in outlying areas, or in areas, such as inner cities and rural areas, where therapy and coaching and other consulting services are not easy to obtain, this is a very acceptable alternative. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 6:24am

Hi, I can identify with what you're saying. I also had a really difficult time separating from my parents. I think that my sisters and brother are still having a hard time. My parents kind of assume that they can evaluate how my life is going, and that their evaluation is relevant. For me, it no longer is. I get really irritated if Mum says 'oh it's so good that you're doing ... now.' I usually give an irritated response, that Mum doesn't understand. But it's like, it's good if it's where I want to go, so you better find out from me whether something is good or not before commenting.


My first counselor tried really hard to help me with this, and I think she did give me some ideas that I was able to use later. She specialized in helping people with eating disorders, and so she was very familiar with controlling parents (particularly mothers). She suggested that I call Mum and Dad by their given names, to provide myself with some distance from them, and also so that I could see them as people and not as my progenitors. It does sort of help. I also find that if they are

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 05-23-2008 - 12:04pm

Hi Tziporah.


I did not mean to suggest that I thought the business part was the only thing

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 12:21am

Hi Tziporah,

If you find safety and serenity whilst working on the Scriptures, you could make that the base upon which you build your day, something you go to and come back to throughout the day. Would this be possible?

When I have an anxiety about something, I set myself one task related to this activity every day. It's normally an easy task that I give myself, and that is usually enough to get me to do the next two tasks after that. I also schedule something I like doing just after, so that I have something to look forward to.

You would be a wonderful coach for many, if you decide that it is something that you would like to pursue. Right now, though, whose voices are asking the question whether coaching is right for you or not. Is it you? Is it the voice of your anxiety? Is it the doubtful voices of your parents? Is it the voice of your defense walls, wanting to shield you from failure?

If we don't try, we will never know whether something is for us or not, whether it's a new dish or new clothes, a new book or a new career. You have come so far already, and you have had positive responses. Try the next baby step - if you don't like it you can always decide to stop. But at least give it a try. A little baby step. Look how happy you are now with Skype. You were anxious about it for more than a year, and then you decided that you'll go on with it and the next thing I know we're talking on Skype. And now you are talking to your therapist through Skype, too.

I'm a believer of online therapy. The PTSD board used to have online chats, and that worked very well for a support group setting, too so I don't see why online therapy wouldn't work. As you yourself have seen, a lot of coaches also do coaching through Skype and IM. It won't work for all but it would work for many.

Talk to you later! I've got to check on my other boards, and then have a look at grade 4 Social Sciences for my nephew's test next week. I shall be so very glad when Wednesday comes.

Re your parents, could you tell yourself to stop worrying about that for the next 3 months? Not easy, I know but maybe if you remind yourself of this you'll start listening to yourself?

Hey, I am doing a revamp on the PTSD community website. When it is up and running, I'd like you - if this is convenient for you - to have a look at it to see if it is user friendly for you. Would this be okay? Nothing on the site that has not been said and done before. It's more a place where people can find links to other sites with better info, but it gives them a place to start.

Lots of hugs,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 10:33pm
Hi Luosha, Thanks for your ideas. Because my parents and I live in different countries, when we are together in visits, it is very intense. After all, until the next visit will be a very long time--anywhere from six months to another year. They use to come to see me twice yearly, but now, with my parents in their eighties, although they are still in very good physical health, it is more difficult, so the visits are annual. since 2000, when I went to the U.S. to attend their fiftieth anniversary celebrations, I have not been back. That was a very hard visit for me.
It took some work, but we, my parents and I, have both learned that being together for 3-4 hours on average a day, when they are here, is good for everybody. They get to do things here I would rather not do, like visiting friends they know here, and I get a chance to have my own life. Still, I think the visits are hard because of the anticipated criticisms. The main reason I do not go to the States is because of the problem you mentioned--being around them. They live in the suburbs, and if you do not drive, it is very hard. As a blind person I do not drive, so it is harder to get away from them for awhile. This sounds like they are bad people, needing to get away from them. They are not. In fact, there are many things I admire about them, such as their discipline, efficiency, being able to maintain their health, being financially savvy--all the things I find the hardest to achieve.
Things are in flux with my parents right now. My mother is starting to lose her memory--she gets dates confused and her voice just sounds like she is aging. My dad, who is older than she, is still sounding quite youthful. I talked to him about it last week and he said it is being checked out. It is a serious concern because my mother's mother had the same thing and ended up totally senile in the end, Heaven forbid.
what I mean to say is, somehow when I see her in this weak state, she seems less threatening to me. I guess time will tell how things develop.
My husband's father, and brother-in-law's mother also have memory problems, and my mother-in-law just went through a minor stroke, so I am very aware of all of these conditions.
As far as calling my parents by their first names, I can understand the premise for it, seeing them as people. However, Jewish religious law is against this practice, because although parents are indeed people, they have a revered status because of the fact they conceived and gave birth to us. There are a number of practices religious Jews do in order to demonstrate this special status and respect, such as standing up when a parent enters the room, not sitting in their specific chairs, if they have one, and not calling them by their first names. Calling them, mom or dad is okay, but I know a lot of people who call them mother and father. In the Sephardic tradition, which my husband belongs to, it is customary to kiss the hands of the parents on the Sabbath. I think that is beautiful.
Of course, being the practical vehicle it is, Jewish law accepts that there are certain circumstances in which a child, an adult child included, can overrule the proper respect--such as when a parent is placing unduly harsh burdens on a child. So, I cannot even conceive of calling my parents by their first names.
Anyway, thanks for your suggestions. They help. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 10:59pm
Hi Amanda,
Thanks for your message.
I have a webcam on my skype, so I think we could work by video. Although I have to add that people who have seen my camera say it is very hard to see much of anything. I do not know if that is because of the camera--is is a very small one. I also have msn but have found skype easier to use. Anyway, now that I know you are a skype user, I will add you to my contact list. I will also email you my skype number via private email. I would enjoy trying this NLP exercise with you.
Your points are good. It is not a question of should, but could. A few hours ago I woke up. I couldn't sleep and started to think about all the things I wanted and needed to do: like starting yoga, learning Scriptures, writing, looking at some coaching material. The thing that set the anxiety off was recalling I had advertised for another client on the coaching school bulletin board and I was anxious that the first thing I would do in the morning would be checking the emails, to see if I got a response, and I really did not want to do that. Next thing you know---I made a previously "good" finger bleed! Gortunately, it was not too severe a cut, but still. I thought of ressurecting a self-help book I had been reading a few months ago, which I talked about on this thread, by Robert Handley--at the time I wrote his name as Hanley--it really is Handley. I have been thinking about starting that program he recommends again. Then I got to thinking that this would be just one more "need"--something I have to do. So I dismissed the idea. I started to think about a Talmudic saying I had learned over the Sabbath--"spend little time in business and most of your time in Torah". I thought this would be a good dictum for me, and then started to wonder why I liked it so much--a good avoidance tactic? Anyway, I had looked at the coaching schedule and want to start taking some teleclasses again. If I can keep it to one hour a day, teleclass per day, and do a little review every day, maybe I can handle it. I want to try again. I am also starting to think of reintroducing yoga. I guess if I can just give my self permission to choose what I want to do each day instead of having rigid structures, it may work.
Well, when I got up, I did open the emails and saw the responses to my thread. But I want to learn that dictum I mentioned. I think it might help.
I have also been feeling self-critical and guilty lately. My husband advised me to make a bank deposit and I told him I wanted to wait a few more days. A check bounced and this means we may be in for a hassle with the local bank. I feel so guilty about it because if I had just taken his advice this whole mess could have been avoided. It isn't the first time, either, and that is the most humiliating part. What about learning from one's mistakes? You would think, logic would dictate, one time getting burned is enough. But it does not work out like that. I seem to have this tendency, propensity, for getting burned, or allowing myself to get burned, several times before or until I really stop repeating the problematic behavior. No real permanent damage will be done, of course. I will be able to rectify the situation. But knowing the whole thing could have been avoided.
It goes deeper than that. I really did not want to put more money into the account because I thought I could cut back on withdrawing from my assets a little longer. I was not able to do that and that bothers me. That was the whole reason for not depositing sooner--to prove I could wait a little longer. Meanwhile, an unexpected check was debitted from my account and I got screwed up--got myself into this mess. I mean, what did I really do? Make the deposit, which I would have had to make anyway, two or three days earlier. So, I had to make it--the deposit anyway--if I had just listened to my husband the deposit would have been made a week earlier--that was more threating to me. Well, I will have to sort this mess out both in the bank and in therapy. But it really left me hating myself. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sat, 05-24-2008 - 11:10pm
Hi Poppy,
I read your message first, as it was the email I opened first. I must admit I felt a bit ashamed of myself--as a religious person, I thought I would always automatically know to make Scriptures the center of my day!. It is just that you put it som nicely, I really liked it--something to go and come back to throughout the day. I felt ashamed for needing to be reminded of that. I think that would be calming for me and help me build up my trust. Reading the Psalms is said to do that--building up faith and trust.
I also think your other points are quite appropriate. It is all these voices that keep talking to me from inside. You are right--when I do finally try something new, like skype, I find it really is no big deal. It is the anticipatory anxiety that gets me every time. I have written a lot more in my two previous email replies, so you can read them to get the whole picture.
Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Sun, 05-25-2008 - 7:21am

Hi, I'm never sure with you how much culture we have in common, but with every message that I read of yours, I feel more inclined to think that we have quite a bit in common.


Anyway, about the first names thing, it's not a big deal if you think that's a totally bad idea, but I thought that I would explain some of the reasoning behind the idea. Don't read this though unless you really have time - it's quite long, and not necessarily any help at all.


My parents would be extremely angry if I called them by their first names to their face. One of my sister's occasionally does, and they usually walk out immediately. She is the only one of my siblings who does not identify herself as a Christian, so her attitude towards Mum and Dad is a bit different to the rest of ours.


The suggestion about first names initially came from my first ever counselor. I initially found that I couldn't work with her, because she saw rejecting my Christianity as essential to me getting well. She had left New Zealand after completing her training and gone to work in the Bible belt of America. She was so horrified by the hypocrisy that she found there, that she considered fundamentalist Christianity as dysfunctional. I have never been to the Bible belt so I can only tell you her reactions not mine.


Her attitude regarding Christianity

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 05-25-2008 - 10:25pm
Thank you for your very interesting and wise message. I am not familiar with the quote from Paul--you can write it in your next letter if you want. In any event, I think the differentiation between "obey" and "honour" is a very important one to make. Sometimes, we think we are honoring our parents, when, in fact, we are just obeying them. Obeying them may be part of the honoring process, but, especially for adults, it is by no means the entire picture. I think sometimes I do what they want, not because I want to, but out of fear because of thememories of how they reacted in the past. I am sure that this is so. Getting over that frightening memory is part of the work of my current therapy./
If you knew Hebrew, perhaps as a linguist you do, then you realize that a lot is lost in translation. In the original Hebrew of the Ten Commandments, the Hebrew word for honoring one's parents comes from the root to "honor", not from the root "obey", so cldearly, the original text also makes this distinction. Jewish law, as provided in the examples I cited in my last letter, provides vehicles for putting that concept of honor into practical action.
As an adult in therapy, I have had to learn to gain emotional independence from my parents.
I lived in the U.S. until age 21, when I came to Israel and intended to stay a
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com

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