Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 3:28pm

This is long, just so you know. I took a few things from your replies to others as well as me. First of all I do not think your people are bad people or that you see them that way either. Just because we difficulty with our parents does not make them or us bad people. I am glad to hear that you have found a way (3-4 hours a day) that works positively for all involved. You anticipate the criticism which makes you anxious even now, long before the event. As Poppy and I

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 05-26-2008 - 11:16pm
Hello Amanda,
There are a lot of good points in your letter. I will probably miss some of them, but will try to comment on as many of them as I can remember at present.
As far as the webcam is concerned, I will talk to my technician about options. A lot of people I have used it with end up saying it is not absolutely necessry, but I can also recognize the advantage of having a clear picture.
I would enjoy engaging you in an NLP session. my skype name is Tziporah49. I find skype easier to use than msn. can you call my skype number from your msn? Anyway, I saw a skype contact for you and added it to my list, so I should be able to call you, I think.
i am slowly learning how to use skype. I have had some pestering from bachelors from Arab countries who would call me many times daily and harrass me. Finally, I figured out how to rid myself of them. It was very annoying while it continued.
Learning new things is hard for me--and that creates anxiety. But you are right. The anticipation is usually worse than the event itself. This is certainly true with my parents. Their visits ar usually okay, but when they do criticize it hurts deeply. I have come to see that part of it has to do with the fact that in some way I still believe their criticisms to have some truth to them. Otherwise, why should they hurt so much? It is also the MEMORY of the times they were abusive that makes me fearful. I anticipate another unpleasantness and will do anything to avoid those. thhat I have learned in therapy is a lot of the reason for the anxiety.
Everyone, including my t., has suggested not thinking about them until just before that visit. I am able to spend a lot of time thinking about other things, but to totally not worry about it is still quite hard.
Right now, I have finally gotten to the point where I am starting to take one teleclass per day. In another month there will be a two-week break, so I would like to make some real progress before then. The school has two weeks off in July and December. So, I am finally back into that rhythm. It works out, in actual fact, that my teleclasses are only on Mondays through Thursdays, with the other three days of the week off. So it is manageable.
Yesterday I had a victory. I had noted down all the teleclasses I want to take in June on my diary. The diary alarm sounded. It was 1pm, a good time of day, and there was nobody home to distract me. Still, the temptation to ignore the alarm was so strong. Finally, I overcame the temptation and dialed into the teleclass. It actually turned out to be worthwhile. Getting started is the hardest part. I felt so proud of myself for overcoming my temptation.
My hands, cuticles, are in a very good state right now and I am trying to maintain it.
As far as all the "shoulds" in my life, everything is worthwhile and all the activities have benefits. Still, it's the obligation--committing to a schedule. Like with this self-help book. It is divided into weekly segments. So, if I start it, I feel like I have to keep up with it every week. There are so many things I "should" be doing already, I am nervous about adding on even more.
Mostly right now I get up in the morning and ask myself what I would like to do today. I choose between the arious options and just go with that. Right now, that seems to be working.
I am interested in your NLP exercises and would be willing to give it a try.
As far as new clients, like I said, I think it is the business part that gets me uptight. I am trying to move forward and concentrate on it just being a learning experience.
]As far as the banking fiasco goes--well, today I will find out if the check actually cleared or bounced. Because of Memorial Day in the U.S. on Monday, everything was closed. Still, I was able to access my account via the automatic telephone menu and I actually think it cleared. A sigh of relief--at this point, a tentative sigh.
I talked about it in therapy. We were able to establish that I really had not made a mistake and that the problem was probably due to an old check that was sent late--not when I wrote it. So this interfered with my calculations. Also, because of the changing financial situation, my t. suggested that the goal of only making withdrawals every 30 days may not be suitable to current conditions and I may hae to readjust my goal. That was a little harder to accept. I would still like to maintain my original goal, but I have to be a little more realistic--realizing that it is not because I am financially wild, which I am not, but just that conditions are changing. It has to do with the old criticisms from my parents--a matter of self-control. If I could just be self-controlled, I would be able to maintain my goals. I am not self-controlled, so things screw up. However, when my t. and I explored it, we were able to establish it was not due to that lack of self-control.
It is amazing how the inner voices just do not go away.
Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Tue, 05-27-2008 - 5:04pm

Tziporah,


You are a very self-aware person and that is marvelous. Still I know how those little voices in our heads can be so negative. Things are moving forward for me and I am for the most part stable, but I still get these moments (or longer periods) where I am feeling so negative. I do not need to go into detail, just know that it happens and it is hard to change those negative thoughts but I think you are doing wonderful. The change of perspective regarding the banking is excellent. I use online banking and I assume telephone is very similar. I can see what has

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 05-27-2008 - 10:09pm
Hi Amanda and everybody else,
Great news. The bank was finally open yesterday and I talked to a telebanker--a real person. there was not enough money in my account at the time the bank was debitted, but because I was missing very little to complete the transaction, they accepted it anyway and the check did not bounce. Huge sigh of relief from my husband and me.
I use the telephone--the quickest way and I call in a few times a week to see how the account is doing. Moral of this story. When I see it hitting the minimum level, be smart and add on, no matter what the date and learn to ignore those voices--tempting voices--which say I can hold out a little longer.]
I can just see it now: my t. saying all the anxiety was over nothing.
That is also very common with me.
Meantime, my nails are holding pretty well, although two or three fingers have very slight cuts on them--trying to resist making them worse--a very hard stage. I just picked at one of them--a very slight thing this time and chewed on it--gross, yet it felt good.
]I have my gloves in my bathrobe pocket--it is 5 am. here. I put the gloves on.
Since waking up, I have felt increased anxiety. A lot to do today and already feeling overwhemed. Too much to do and not enough time.
Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 1:03pm

Tziporah,


I'm glad to hear that the cheque didn't bounce. Perhaps you will have to make the deposit no matter what date it is, but perhaps with NLP we can find the purpose behind the positive intention of holding out a little longer. Everything has a positive intention, even if it seems a negative action. We just need to get our subconscious to help generate new ways of fulfilling that intention.


We will also work on the criticism anxiety, and maybe even this day to day anxiety that has you feeling so overwhelmed with so much to do, either changing what you do or what you feel. I know I'm vague. I just want you to know that these things can be addressed.


I'm sorry I haven't checked my email yet. I have you on my skype but it says "this person has not chosen to share their details with you" or something along that line. However if we set a time to talk then it won't matter we should be able to call one another since we are on each other's list. I've gotten calls from someone I didn't even know and never said they could share my details or anything like that, so that is not a requirement to call.


I'm rambling, I'm sorry. It's a weird day. A little hypomanic from sleep problems, but otherwise fine.


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cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 1:31pm
It is evening now. How did things work out, considering I was anxious at the start of the day? I think it is important to look back.
I was anxious about the fact I had a very full schedule today. I asked my husband if he would mind picking up some take-out food for lunch. He agreed. That already lowered the anxiety because I knew I would not have to cook today. I had a morning appointment with my EFT practicioner in Jerusalem at 10am and did not want to have to come back and start cooking. I also wanted to take a coaching course in the early afternoon, just when I would have had to cook. In the end, I did take the course and it was a very helpful teleclass.
I also had some pre-session anxiety with EFT. the treatments are deep, and he is trying to get me to detach from all the prolonged traumas. On the way to his office, an hour ride from here, I did pick at my cuticles a little, but I attributed that to the same anxiety I feel before therapy sometimes.
I told the EFT therapist I would come for sessions every other week. I think he would have preferred every week. I just cannot afford that now.
He agreed.
I actually think it is a good adjunct to the regular therapy I have in that EFT is attacking the same problems I am working on in therapy, just from a different angle.
I came home from the session and colapsed on the sofa, really tired. But I did get up for the teleclass and was soooooo thankful I did not have to cook.
I think just being freed of that responsibility made all the difference.
Amanda, email me with time options for connecting on skype and we will try to find a time that is good for both of us. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 6:40am

Hi, how are you doing?


I'm really impressed with how your handling the bank stuff. I used to get incredibly stressed by banks, and coped with it by avoidance which sometimes took the turn of self-harm. But you're not -

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 11:30am

Tziporah,


It sounds like you did very will for your busy and anxious day. Congratulations. I am going to email you now.


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cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 05-29-2008 - 4:56pm
You are right about everything in this message. Anyone who has been around here for awhile will know I do not handle failure easily, have almost impossible standards, and am very self-critical. Therapy is helping me to change these things, but it is a slow process.
Decisions are also not easy for me. I am a great procrastinator and often cause my own downfall. ex., the bank. If I had put money in sooner than later, I would have avoided the entire upset.
Fortunately, the check was honored--but it could have gone the other way.
I could have started studying my coaching course work a month ago, right after Passover, but took a long time getting back into rhythm, so I now have to work more quickly. Not have to--but if I want to finish a fair amount, before the summer break, I will have to work hard this coming month.
Sometimes it is okay to just go to bed. In general, though, while I would just like to put things off, my husband gently nudges me to do things earlier, now, sooner rather than later. I do not always like it when he forces me to do something--like call people up concerning various household chores, but after I have done the chore, I realize he was right.
Maybe having a gentle nudge like that would be helpful. That is what coaching is about. Actually, it is more about getting people to become motivated.
that is what I am doing now, studying to become a life spiritual coach.
Anyway, weighing the consequences, changing what we tell ourselves, all of this is part of the process.
This week I was supposed to take a teleclass with the coaching school. I was so tempted just not to do it, but overcame the temptation and did the class. I felt so good afterwards--it really raised my self-esteem.
the more we can do positive actions, the more we feel better about ourselves.
A lot of the anxiety is self-inflicted, in that we bring it upon ourselves by failing to act appropriately, or at the right time. I could have avoided the whole bank mess by taking action. Hopefully, I have learned from this little mishap. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2008
Fri, 05-30-2008 - 6:50am

Hi, I have a feeling that the time in NZ must be pretty well exactly opposite the time in Israel, as the countries are pretty well opposite each other on the globe, so good morning (or afternoon etc for whenever you read this).


I have to comment on your last post:


'A lot of the anxiety is self-inflicted, in that we bring it upon ourselves by failing to act appropriately, or at the right time. I could have avoided the whole bank mess by taking action. Hopefully, I have learned from this little mishap. '


I gotta add that a lot of misery can be avoided if we don't beat ourselves up for making little mistakes. We can't grow or learn without making mistakes. I used to self-harm when I was annoyed with myself for getting something wrong, but that's kinda crazy. I arrived in adult life without a lot of normal skills, and in this I'm including self-nurturing and social skills. So, the only way that there was any possibility of me maturing was to keep trying until I found a way of acting and being that worked. The misery I spent in beating myself up just kept me unwell, it didn't actually solve anything. Now, my emphasis is on 'okay that didn't work, can't go back, what would my therapist say to me?' I need this last point because I find it easier to imagine comforting things this way, and I think of the worker that I most respect, and most want to be like. And she's really sensible so that helps. I know that you said that you are trying to learn from this, but I still get the feeling that you could be a whole heap easier on yourself. Forget this if I'm wrong.


By the way, I thought that I would mention that I keep a journal on the 'compulsive overeating board'. A couple of months ago this was the last 'mental health' problem that I had. I had stopped losing weight type eating disorder behaviour, but I was really, really struggling to eat a balance diet. And I was tending to binge when upset. So, I find this board helps. I mention this cos I feel rude reading your struggles, without giving you the opportunity to read mine. However, I really, really don't want to add to the burden that you're already carrying, so I definitely don't expect any comments etc.


Every time I read one of your posts, I'm amazed by your courage and tenacity. Thank you for the opportunity

 

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