Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

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I trained as a jewellery designer but right now I am doing something else totally. I am hoping to save enough money to start my own collection of jewellery and accessories... but it's scary!
How cool that braille display models also come in small sizes that connect to a cellphone or a PDA. It must be so much easier to keep in touch and connect with everyone when you have the same or similar toold as they use, especially if they communicate with each other.
Tziporah,
Can I ask you something? Are your afraid of success and are you afraid of failure? What would be the worst thing if the coaching and the business don't pan out? And what if it's a success - what do you fear then? Maybe if you looked at your fears directly, and place strategic safety nets and lots of cushions everywhere to catch you if you did slip or fall, it'll make you feel safer to move forward?
Just a thought that came. I could be very wrong.
Hugs,
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it's also the assignments this coach wants me to do--like giving workshops on my given expertise. i've performed in front of people and given lectures in front of people many times, so it's not the fear of standing up and speaking or performing in front of people per se. it has to do with the specific thing of workshop presentation, something that is quite different in style from either performing or lecturing. in workshopping, there's a lot more interaction.
i'm still also trying to figure exactly what i want to do. that's also part of it.
finally, anything new fills me with anxiety.
nothing bad will happen if this doesn't work out the way i want, but i've been telling everybody this is what i'm going into. Mary ay says that you should do that--if you have a goal and really want it to work, tell everybody about it.
i feel like this thing just came out of nowhere, like i was just thrown into it. the truth is, i used to be very good at promoting myself when i was singing in college. i could walk up to anyone and after telling them i wanted to have a chance to perform at their venue, they would run with me to a piano and have me show them what i could do. because i had confidence in myself then, and had my material down pat, it was a cinch. and i loved it. i think i've become much more cautious about many things after becoming an adult.
i don't know if this is the right forum for exploring all these issues. it sounds more like a self-esteem thing. but i guess it is the right forum because if i liked myself i wouldn't be hurting myself by picking at my cuticles or doing the other self-destructive behaviors i do.
i think your question is a good one. it's stimulated me to think and i'll talk about it with my therapist in my next session.
there was progress today. instead of sleeping till three, like yesterday, i got up at twelve. although i still felt bad about it, my husband said to look att it as positive progress--the glass half-full, not half-empty. he's so encouraging. after that, i spent a few hours decluttering the office doing deep sorting. i felt accomplishment. also, i told myself i deserved to sleep from ten-twelve. after all, i had come back from another painful physio session. it really hurt this morning and i got tired from it. the day isn't over yet. i still have the whole evening to do things. great. thanks for your support as always. what would i do without you--your patience in letting me just talk. thanks. Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
i've also picked at the skin on my heels--not too much. but i found a very rough piece of skin on the underside of my big toe and started picking at it and ended up biting it off. writing this, i feel sick in my stomach. this is really gross. but i couldn't stop until the skin was smooth again. that's the connection between all of these si behaviors--whether it's my hair, cuticles, or feet, i can't stop until i think the part of my body i'm working on is smooth. i like the feeling of smooth things--like my desktop, it's a smooth surface and i like the feel of that somehow.
but it's more than that. after a lot of time thinking about it, i had a nighttime dream experience last week--too long to detail here--and i woke up knowing exactly what i wanted to do with my business, the direction i want to go in. i was floating for a day or two on this joy. then, i started to get nervous and snappy with everybody and people were commenting on it. that brought me down to earth. especialoly since my idea has to do with character development--how could i be angry and tense and nervous.
still, by yesterday i was back on course and spent most of the day designing a possible web page and /or brochure sheet. i liked the way i did it. but then, as usual, during the night i started to feel the anxiety coming over me again. i have a meeting with my coach on Tuesday. what if he says the idea won't work? then what? what will i do then? and i want to check it out with a rabbi so i can be sure the contents are in accordance with my religion--as i'm aiming this business for my religious community. what if he vetos it? then what? so, these thoughts are making me very anxious. and of coure that led to si--biting my cuticles and biting my toe. plus, the maid used up all my gloves for house cleaning. so i don't have more than one or two left, which i happened to put in drawers or coat pockets. i guess i will find it hard to relax until i get the okay from my business coach and the rabbi. i know i should increase relaxation again. i read through the "today's triumph" messages and some of them made me laugh a little, which helped reduce the tension a bit. but it was so strong when i woke up, i just had to write. Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Do you think that because you are anxious about so many things right now it makes you calm when some other things, physical ones, are smooth, too? So that it reduces the number of bumps in your life even if one doesn't have anything to do with the other? Or it's a kind of transfer that you do? Smooth out the cuticles, the hair, the skin on your heels and what you are anxious about will also become smooth? Or because there are what you perceive as bumps in your life that you can't quite control, you turn to bumps that you can control?
What about getting someone to cut your hair short in a cute pixie style since you like your head/hair to be smooth?
Tziporah, sometimes we get brilliant insight, but that is only the beginning. A lot of times ideas need reworking here and there, and it's normal. The insight that you had that night is a diamond. Your coach and your rabbi are there to tell you whether it's already polished enough to set into a piece of jewellery, or whether it needs to be cut in certain places in order to give it a more beautiful shape, then polished to let out the shine and fire that is within. Whatever they say won't be a rejection of who you are or your intelligence or your idea, but input so that you can polish your diamond.
Ok, you said that you will find it to relax until you find out from your rabbi and your coach. But here and there, try to find things for you to enjoy! If you aren't kind to yourself and to your system, who else will be kind to you? And isn't it part of our worship to take good care of ourselves, too? I am glad that you had found some things to laugh about! That's good.
i don't think an psychoanalyst could have done any better. seriously, your comments are quite interesting and probably accurate. i've known for a long time i like smooth surfaces. my first therapist, not the one i'm with now, used a lot of "alternative" methods in his sessions--like affirmations, relaxations, geshtalt, ect. once he had me touch smooth surfaces, in a kinesthetic experience. at the time, i felt very queasy inside, like he was doing some very deep internal work. he never did it again, perhaps because he saw/sensed how sensitive i was to it.
we never talked about it, but i guess, on a symbolic level, you're right. i think, in addition, it's not only the smoothness--but even more, having some kind of control over something i can manage, deal with, and manipulate, especially when i am anxious. that's a large part of the anxiety, feeling i have no control over my environment. in the same way, i don't have control over other people's opinions, will they like mme or not? will they reject me or not?
and the way you then went on and applied this concept to the metaphor about my business--it being a diamond that could need some smoothing out, cutting away the rough edges? wow. were you aware of the "transference" when you wrote that?
it not, and i suspect you were not consciously thinking of it, although i could be wrong, it simply means you picked up on my current and were led into it. that just means it must be really true.
this would be the kind of thing a psychotherapist would love to work on.
actually, a lot of the fear and anxiety, no--anxiety, because anxiety is about perceived danger' while fear is about real danger' a lot of the anxiety is also about my fear of being rejected. you're right that this really doesn't apply. however, i have a very strong tendency towrards all-or-nothing thinking. either it's a burst or a bust. a burst of success, or a bust of a failure. i still tend to perceive every no--negative response as a rejection.
the good news is that all the people i talked to about my business idea did not reject it--not the rabbi, coach or therapist. in fact, my business coach, who is studying for his second degree, told me he is dropping many clients because he just doesn''t have the time, but he wants to help me get my idea off the ground and he's charging a very reasonable fee and also looking for contacts for me. a real break.
he liked my basic idea, just said it needed to be changed to reflect more of a marketing language. but he said the substance was good. no but"--he said the substance was good, period.
i got a new package of gloves, my maid--who took off for the birth of her new baby--is coming back today, and in general my shoulder is better. i'm still going to physio, but he's going on vacation in a few days, which will give me a break. can't wait.
i still can't figure out why i have a brief intense anxiety episode when i wake up, which leads me to either cut my cuticles or hair--perhaps it's just a general anxiety--what will the coming day bring? will i be able to cope with it, handle it, or not? that's the only thing i can think of.
thanks, Poppy, for your reply and continued suppport and insights. i know my problems aren't as critical and severe or urgent as others on this board. still, i have been engaged in this behavior of picking at my cuticles for so many years, and this was the first place and outlet where i've felt i can talk about it without being humiliated or ashamed, and that's very important to me.
i''noticed a change witin myself since ive started writing here and also on the self-esteem board. my nails aren't perfect, i still engage in si sometimes, i still have waves of anxiety' but somehow i feel i am getting stronger. thanks. Tziporah]
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
I studied jewellery and love gems, so the diamond analogy comes naturally to me! But I am also pretty good at picking up what people are feeling and thinking ;-)
Did you see this? I don't know whether it could help (and your stiff shoulder) but it makes for interesting reading http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-bhselfinjury&msg=7980.1&ctx=0
Do you do visualizations? If you do, there might be a couple that could help you. For the morning anxiety, I find it soothing to do deep breathing and/or reiki, keeping my hands on the part of body that is tense. Do you think your morning anxiety comes from the fear of the unknown? That you put things into either "good" or "bad" with no boxes in between might be keeping your anxiety levels high, too. That's why I always do things on a scale of 0 to 10.
Congratulations on your great business idea! I am so very happy for you that everyone likes your idea :-) :-) :-)
I am so glad that you have found a safe place here, Tziporah. This is what the board is for. I don't ever compare or weigh what one person is going through against what another person is going through. Pain is pain. Anxiety is anxiety. Everyone deserves to be heard.
of course, sometimes it's specific, like if i'm running late for an appointment, anxiety over the falling rate of the dollar--which is having an impact on my finances. even just getting the things i need to get done completed.
when my husband comes home from morning services, i often take a nap for one or two hours. it helps. then i feel more refreshed to start the day. right now, although i am having brief si episodes, in general my hands are in pretty good shape. the therapy is getting deeper again and i find it more healing and less painful--the psychotherapy, i mean.
i do tend to think in terms of either-or, all-or-nothing thinking. i'm not very good at the 1--10 scale, although i have seen it used in anxiety management and would be a good thing for me to use. thought control is always thehardest part and the most critical part for me.
a few weeks ago, if you remember, i was reading Hanley's book on anxiety and panic attacks. i was feeling better then, actually being able to go into the alpha state. but then i needed time to integrate it and put it aside. since then, although i am relaxing, i don't feel as calm. i know i need to get back to reading it.
meantime, i found a yoga book i like and i'm seriously thinking about trying the May 21 community challenge. i keep looking at it. wondering if i should make this commitment.
anyway, this book is called Easy Does It Yoga and is designed for sedintary people, older people, or those with illnesses and injuries. i figured with my back and soulder problems it would be wiser to go safe and slowly.
i actually did yoga once when i was in high school, using a book called Be Young With Yoga. i really liked the routine i
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
i loved using this book but have never been able to find this book again. this new book seems like one i will be able to relate to.
i don't really know too much about reiki healing, although i notice you and Chris talk about it a lot. i checked the board on it, but really couldn't relate to it. i have wanted to restart doing yoga for many years now and think now ia mready for that.
i read the article about the Grinberg method. i have never heard of it, but here in Israel, reflexology is a very popular movement in alternative healing circles. i once had someone touch my toes and it brought up a lot of anxiety. i don't know if that is related to the method, or just because i always find cutting my toenails an anxious experience.
i find that right now i'm trying a lot of different methods, such as yoga, regular exercise, using the human dynamics personality theory, browsing around the internet and reading various things. maybe this what this time is--a time of exploring myself. as i get more centered, hopefully the si will deminish--although knowing the way my brain works, the process of exploration itself can bring up anxious feelings. my therapist says to "stop thinking so much."
your words about this board, that it is a place where everyone can be heard, were most reassuring. perhaps some of the issues i explore belong on other boards. i remind myself that my main goal is to get over the si behaviors and the underlying triggers. in that way, in that sense, this board is relevant. without your--(meaning you personally and everyone collectively) i couldn't do it and i doubted i would be as far as i am so quickly. after all, it's only about two months since i've been writing and it's been a period of tremendous growth and change and potential change. thanks again. Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
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