Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

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Tziporah,
I'm so glad that your anxieties didn't come true and you had a good visit with your friend/therapist and to the Western Wall.
I was sick before, in June and developed post viral chronic fatigue syndrome. Now, I have gotten sick again, for about the last two weeks.
I think it's the chronic fatigue that is the worst part of it, the utter exhaustion feeling. Many people believe that this condition is tied to lowered immunity. Have you been able to find any health remedy, conventional or alternative, that can boost your energy level? It is worth considering, since this can become chronic and long-term, hence its name, chronic fatigue syndrome.
Many people also call it Epstein-Bar Virus.
A lotof people used to think of it as the yuppy disease since a lot of professionals would get it. I do not think that is correct. I subscribe to the theory it has to do with lowered immunity.
As for myself, every day brings with it is new worries and anxieties--when I just wrote this, my mind said: reframe it as challenges. Okay, challenges.
I need some new clothes, both for every day and special occasions. Shopping for them is difficult. I like to go with someone who can really tell me if it looks okay. I usually go with my maid, who is very good at these things, but her schedule is tight right now. I could have gone with my mother-in-law and sister-in-law yesterday, but I felt too uncomfortable. I was afraid they would say something about my weight gain. End result--still no decent clothes. And my parents are coming! they would gladly take me shopping, but that creates its own hassles--they insist on paying, which makes me feel like a kid all over again, and they most assuredly will mention the weight. What to do? I don't know.
Plus, the scenarios about their first meeting with me are coming up again--something that always happens as their visit gets nearer. Last night I had another one of those. It happens when I am awake. I'll just be doing something and in the mddle of it, my min mind starts to imagine the dialogue between us. I have been through this a hundred times in therapy. It never helps. At most, it just forstalls it for awhile until the next time I have this imaginary dialogue.
This time, I responded to them with a combination of humor and maliciousness.
Till now, I have always been able to control it in real life. But it is always there under the surface.
I am really nervous this time because of the weight issue.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
I hate it when it is too hot to sleep. I hope you get a break in the heat soon.
When the chronic fatigue first started it was so frustrating. I can't do as much as I used to. That and feeling like I could fall asleep at any time, even when I'm walking to the bus. At the moment what is bugging me the most is being dizzy, lightheaded and having stuffed up ears which throw off my balance. All these things together mean I have trouble standing up!
I have had Epstein-Barr virus before in the form of mononucleosis when I was 15. I also do think I have a lowered immune system because I will catch almost anything that is going around while those around me may not. I have not found any treatments that are helpful yet. I don't think my dr would give me amphetamines and I don't want them anyway, they can be very addictive. The antidepressant I take is not for my mood but for sleep and pain, because I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia a couple years ago. Fibro and CFS are very similar, it's just which is worse the pain or the fatigue. I am trying to eat a lot of fresh foods, get light exercise (walking) and get outside in the sun. It does come and go in waves or flare ups and I was just starting to feel "better" from my last illness when I got sick again. So, I just do what I can and push through it. I don't know how I'm going to go to my training tomorrow first thing in the morning though. It's something I really want to do, so I hope I can.
I'm sorry to hear that the weight issue is causing so much anxiety. I wish that you had been able to go with your maid or in-laws. Is there a chance that you will be able to find another time before your parents come that either of them will be able to go with you?
How is the image of swatting away flies working? Have you been thinking about that? Have you found other ways of thinking about criticism that may help? Or maybe not thinking, but dealing with criticism, since we already established that it may not be something that we need to think, rethink and over think. This can be either internal, the way you deal with your reaction inside of you, or external, the way you respond to criticism.
cl of the Self-Injury
I have never seen a health board on ivillage for mono or Epstein-Barr, which is quite strange, considering it is a condition, or if you consider each separately, two conditions that mostly affect girls and women. You would think a website like this would have such a msb.
Maybe it could be suggested to the powers that run ivillage.
Anyway, I would hate to see everything you worked so hard to achieve, such as graduating with a degree, become undone because of this condition. So I would certainly consider alternative or adjunctive health options if I was in your position. It is hard to do when feeling exhausted--a vicious circle. Give it some thought.
As for myself, some days are better than others. Today was relatively freefrom anxieties. I was in a good mood. Then I thought about something tensing with my parents and I could instantly feel my mood change. I was able to connect the new thought to the change of feeling I was having. Fortunately, I was able to move my mind away from the troubling thought and get back into a good mood.
Tomorrow I have therapy and a lot of these things will come up.
I forgot about the fly swatting method. Thanks for reminding me of it. Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
I have been coping better over the past few days, handling the challenges.
My sister-in-law's daughter got married on Thursday, and tonight, Monday might, we are hosting a wedding party for them. A lot of planning, logistics, etc. Yesterday we did the bulk of the work. I had to clean out the storage room so I could ut chairs and tables in there. I figured, as long as I am doing it anyway, I will really give it a good clean and organization job. It took a few hours, and the size of the dust--well, it was like bread crumbs! anyway, I felt really proud of myself when I finished it and had reorganized things. things look more orderly and the stuff that did not belong there I put in their proper place.
I also had a guest from my sister-in-law's family for the Sabbath. I was a little nervous about it, but it also went okay.
Now, today, is the party itself and I am feeling pretty cal about it.
I put a fax machine in my office last week. It now feels like a real office, not just a room in which to work.
I am still biting my cuticles and cutting my hair, but much less. As I accomplish things I feel better about myself.
I was going to buy clothes before the wedding, but I realized there was just too much cleaning around here to allow myself that luxury. Also, a little avoidance involved. I still have a few things to wear, but have to get started in losing the weight. Big task.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
I'm so happy to hear about you realizing the thought changed your mood and were able to move away from that thought. That's big. I think that will serve you well if you can keep it up.
As far as msb for Epstein-Barr, maybe it's not popular enough. Unfortunately I've seen several boards close because of lack of activity. I will pass your suggestion on though.
Good job on the organizing. I could use a bit of that in my life. I know I have too much stuff. Hope the party goes well. You sound great!
cl of the Self-Injury
Thanks for your reply as always.
I haven't done the thought record for awhile. I guess I only do it when it becomes really tension-producing.
as far as the Epstien-Barr virus, if there is an already existing msb on mono, maybe it could be expanded to include Epstein-Barr.
As far as the party went, it went quite well. It was all the prep stuff that was stressful. But by getting the bulk of it done the day before, I saved myself and everyone else involved potential tension and exhaustion the day of the event. We had time to rest and nobody was uptight. As it was, there was enough to do the day of the event.
Interestingly, my husband and I handled the stress in different ways. I slept. Before the body I had a stomach upset, diarrhea, which I attributed to anxiety. While my help was finishing up setting the tables I went into a quiet room and deep breathed. My husband, who is usually quite calm, told me who was also inwardly anxious, but by acting as if he was calm, supposedly to help me, he also was able to overcome it. He also put on an album of wedding music, which is very joyful, and this created a good atmosphere in the house and also helped him.
We both got compliments on the party itself, always a good feeling, knowing that the efforts were appreciated. Afterwards, people helped clean up, so a good part of the work is behind us. All that still needs to be done is to give the house a good mopping and then replace all the furniture in its proper place. That should happen today.
So, although I wished at times I had not made this commitment, and although I may not do this again for awhile, I am glad I did it. It made us and everyone else happy.
As for organizing, well, it's not something I like to do. It was just that the room where the women were seated (in Orthodox Jewish custom, at functions men and women sit separately), there was so much junk and dust in there, it HAD to be done. I guess opportunity forced itself on me--the opportunity to give this room a really good cleaning before the party. It's not perfect, but it is much better than before.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
I haven't been around on this thread for a long time. Actually, I have been writing on other boards, a little on the OCD and a little more--a lot, relatively, on the self-esteem. Now I feel a need to come back to my main board, the si board.
Well, what can I say? Where to start?
My parents are here.
That says it all, right? Laugh.
This trip has been exhausting, mentally, emotionally, physically.
I think the tiredness, which has been getting deepr, has been making it harder to cope. The challenges have to do mostly with how to react to my parents when they do their usual spin on things. I have been trying to walk the fine line, tight rope, between being respectfully assertive and not giving into their requests, not submitting to them. My spiritual advisor, my rabbi, advocates the first approach, while my therapist advocates the second approach. It has always seemed like it is an either/or: either be respectful and answer some of their questions, with limits, or not even answer the questions at all, which is not letting them control me.
My therapist has said that is the goal, to relinquish their grip on me, and in order to do that, I have to refuse to answer their questions. In some way, I have this sense that he thinks I have failed. My rabbi is a little more encouraging, giving me much more praise for whatever I am able to do, regardless of whether it is answering their questions or in the way I communicate. I don't want to fight with them.
Still, the whole thing has left me exhausted. Yesterdayin therapy I was sooooo tired, the guy must have thought I was a zombie. I just could not respond. Too tired, too overwhelming.
Once again, the visit just highlights how much more I need to do in therapy. Am nowhere near finished. And of course, my rabbi said I have to keep up with this therapist.
He is so hard. Does not give away anything. Makes me work for every bit of it.
Plus, my cuticle biting is getting worse again. I am not faulting myself for that, just stating the fact. I think that is why I am writing here again. The awareness that it is getting worse again makes me realize I need to be writing here again.
Tired. Anxious. Overwhelmed. Sad.
Also cut my hair real short. Felt better after I did that.
So much more to say, but have to get started cooking for the Sabbath and too tired to write.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
I'm sorry that we didn't get to skype again before your parents' visit. I have not been logging in as even when I am on invisible I get people I don't
Thanks for asking. going through the visit was exhausting, but the motives were worthy. they want to get me to organize my office, something i have been putting off for years. plus--lose weight, exercise more, etc. plus--buy new clothes. plus--live in a cleaner house--their standards.
a lot of feelings of feeling overwhelmed and anxious, nail-biting increased. OCD--one hair-cutting episode and my mother questioned me about my hair--"who's doing it?" I had cut too close and there was a sore which bled. I had shock--never realized that was happening.
Plus, the usual communication problems, but I tried very hard to be respectful. Not perfect, but I tried.
Much easier to communicate with my dad than with my mother.
to their credit, they want to help pay for much needed shelving. a very expensive undertaking. it was just the pressure about them wanting me to do it all right away--that was what led to the overwhelming feeling.
finally, after they left, i talked to the guy who is doing the work and we came up with a time frame i can handle--doing the whole thing in stages, vs. all at once--as they had wanted.
they also asked a lot about my coaching courses. I really feel a need to prove to them I can do it.
plus the usual comments about weight--some painful.
all in all, not an emotionally easy visit, but probably, when I look back on it, one that will have pushed me into growth. i usually grow, but do so kicking and screaming, so to speak.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
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