Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
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Well, a week into the new adjustment with meds, down from mg30-mg25 paxxel. How is it going?
Not bad. I had one or two bad sleepless nights which I attributed to insomnia from the readjustment. Most nights now I read and study Scriptures before going to bed. That has really become a regular thing--learning the Bible with comentaries either when I get up in the morning or before I go to bed. I find it very interesting and it calms my mind before I go to sleep. I am sleeping better and the vivid dreams passed after the first few days of the new dose. I also sometimes read a self-help book before bed and that often calms me as well.
Well, my scissors are back in the regular office drawer. Remember I wrote about how I had moved them elsewhere? Just kept thinking about them. Have had a few hair-cutting incidents, mostly when I am anxious, but, as usual, not too much to cut at this point.
Plus, my heals have rough skin on them again. Very tempting to pick at that, too, but usually that lasts for only a few seconds, not more.It disgusts me enough not to engage in it too much.
My cuticles? Well, at this point my right hand is a bit worse than my left hand. neither is really bad, but not as good as they were last week. I have been able to become awre that I get anxious when I think about money-related matters. not that I am in a bad situation financially. I checked with the appropriate people who manage my finances and all my money is safe, thank G-d. But I still get nervous. I guess I am still trying to work out my attitude about money--how much is right for me.
Right now I have a lot of big expenses coming up, none of it luxury, all of it necessity. My eye operations--one for each eye, a major scanner repair--actually, the scanner could not be repaired and I had to buy a new one. Even with a bit of a discount, still a hefty sum. Also, my husband may be having his own eye operation-catarct surgery. Next week he has an appointment with a specialist. There is controversy as to whether he should have it or not. The fact that he takes cortisone for anti-rjection and that he also has retinitis pigmentosa complicates matters considerably and specialists are divided as to whether the operation for removal of his cataract will be of any value or perhaps be risky. No common consensus. we just went to a specialist a few weeks ago and we had thought that would be the end of it. then my husband's father had his own cataract operation with another specialist. it was successful, so now he's intrested in seeking another opinion again.
plus, more house repairs.
we wanted to get a single bed--the matress is starting to rip, but still okay under a matress cover--another big expense. that one is on hold, but we'd like to do it.
plus the major expenses I have in trying to start my business.
so these considerations are real, not made up or illussions.
plus what is happening in the world generally--with all the scandals and losses. it all makes me anxious.
there is also anxiety from my own changing circumstances, the fact that I am now really doing things I never thought I would be doing before: like starting my business. and a big breakthrough!--I am starting to work on a conference line with an already existing organization running my own teleclass from next week, two teleclasses per week, one hour each in length on Sundays and Tuesdays at a good hour in the day, 12pm NY EST, which for me is 7pm Israeli time. I have installed a US line so it is not that expensive for me to do this thing. This is a real big step forward for me. Not because there is money in it--there isn't. But for the exposure and experience, and then I can put it on my website.
So, as you can see, a lot of things are going on.
I am still working in therapy. Rhight now the center of work is becoming emotionally independent from my parents--a long-term issue with a lot of emotional power in it for me, a lot of inner turmoil and conflict and dilemma. what to tell them and what not to?
of course, he is starting his holiday break, so that will be about two weeks without therapy--always a vulnerable time, but also a time of growth.
Maybe then, with all this going on, it is no wonder my nail-biting is increasing slightly, plus the med readjustment factored in. Maybe I should judge myself a little more favofably, give myself a little slack. I can hear all of you saying, yes, yes, that's it exactly.
See how I still need your support?
I gues it's what Poppy rightly said it was: anxiety over being successful.
Oh, another of those symptoms--sleeping a bit more--a lot more. about two hours in the morning, three in the afternoon, plus about five hours at night. so much sleep. I wish I could cut back on that a bit. trying hard to work hard when I am awake! laugh.
Oh, I almost forgot. My first eye operation, unclogging the tear duct in my left eye--the more advanced stage--both eyes have the same problem--is scheduled now for Jan. 15. I can't wait. a lot of the time my eyes are in pain, they tear a lot. very uncomfortable. the only time they really don't bother me is when I am laying down. Maybe that is why I am sleeping so much, just to get a rest from it. originally, operation was scheduled for later in Jan. glad it wasmoved up. if i could have my way, would to it tomorrow, if not today! laugh.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Oh Tziporah, every time I read your messages, I am amazed at how different you sound to last year when I was here!
www.rainbowinspirations.co.uk
http://rainbowinspired.livejournal.com/
Thanks for your compliments and encouragement.
Maybe I wrote too fast. the nail picking is getting worse again--especially on my right hand. the worst part about it is: i don't even enjoy it anymore! not like i used to! maybe tht is the best part--a blessing in disguise. but still i'm doing it, and very aware when I do--and it makes me mad that i succumb to it, really angry at myself. disgusting.
i mean, i could see engaging in it if it would give me a cathartic effect--but it doesn't do that.
i just wish my hands could be smooth again, like they were two or three weeks ago.
I use the pumice stone occasionally, Chris, as you suggest. will try using it more often.
my lips are also chapped, but only very rarely did I ever pick at them.
mostly, biting at them.
well, my favorites are still the nail-picking, cuticle picking really and hair-cutting. now it's cold, so i actually do wish my hair was a little longer.
a friend of mine was hear for the Sabbath. I saw how down she is--she has very similar issues to me: OCD, depression, parental problems. i realized that that was how I used to be. the difference. and she noticed it, too. she even asked, "how do you stay so positive, i mean you, especially you, with all that you have going on?" I shrugged it off. i really wanted to hold her then, reach out, tell her it would be okay. i just told her to remember, to believe, it will get better. she will come out of it she's been like this four months. she is also a cuticle-biter.
two birds of a feather stick together.
well, last night was not so great. i had a really bad vivid dream. my parents were visiting Israel with my sister and they wanted to come and visit and I didn't really want to see them. I was in bed with my husband and told him not to answer the phone or the door. the worst part of the whole stupid dream was that it felt so real! like it was really happening to me! and the sensation! like a real panic attack!
well, finally, either in the dream or in half-wakefulness, i reminded myself that anxiety peters out. eventually, i shrugged myself awake out of it. then i reminded myself I had just talked to my parents the day before by telephone, that they are in Florida and not even here. it was then I realized it was a bad dream and the panic immediately subsided.
put it down to that readjustment in dosage, i guess.
still, going through it was reall terrifying at the time.
anyway, just wish i could get my hands smooth again. sometimes bite at the rough edges. sometimes it helps, sometimes just makes it worse.
i'm already starting to think about my parents' next visit in the fall! and that's nine months away! what would my t. say? fortunately, he's on vacation! laugh.
still, i know why that is happening. I am anxious about the weight. not losing any. my friend, who i mentioned earlier in this letter, also said she's put on weight. must be due to the meds, at least in part. i really don't want to see them. i know they'll criticize me for it. i think that is also part of the underlying dream.
Chris, you are absolutely right about needing more sleep. my t. and i talked about it in the last session before the current break. we decided it was similar to being in the hospital, where a lot of the time, if not most, is spent in the patient convalescening--an enforced state or environment in which they must be confined so they can sleep or rest. if they were on the outside, they'd e doing all the normal activities, so they have to be in a place where all they can do is rest. only difference is--i am not in the hospital. it is hard for me to accept that i cannot do as much work as usual. in fact, my wholelife is very work directed. if it were not for the Sabbath, when work is forbidden, (aa great blessing), i'd be working on that day, too! my t. asked if i ever allowed myself to just sit out in the sunshine and enjoy it? not really. when i am not sleeping, i always feel like i have to be doing more, more work, being more productive, always doing something important, worthwhile. very little time for just leisure.
he's pressing all the right buttons, of course, darn it.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
Well sometimes the SI/OCD behaviours get worse even after they get better. That is not necessarily a sign that they are getting worse overall or will continue to get worse. The fact that you aren't enjoying the cuticle biting is a good sign. That will make it easier to stop. I know for myself it drives me nuts when I find myself pulling at my hair and cutting it but I still do sometomes. When I catch myself doing it I stop.
yesterday morning i had a really bad urge. a lot of things contributed to this nail-biting: not feeling so good physically--have a very bad cold, the increasing tension in the country with many parts in war or close to it, anxiety about the business, my internet being down for four days and stll the phone company not coming to fix it, a messy house and the maid showing up late, a lot of demands--get the idea?
well, i started to pick my cuticles. just ripped through them all. then decided the only thing to do was bandage all of them, which i did. as long as only some were bandaged and some not, i kept biting the ones that were still uncovered by bandaids. so, in about fifteen minutes, had all ten fingers bandaged. well, it was the only thing that worked. with gloves, after a few hours, i have to take them off if i want to do anything. with bandaids, i can still do things. kept them on the whole day. no people coming around most of the day, so no worry about looking weird with all myfingers bandaged. it was enough to stop the urge--short-circuit it. i guess you could say i have compulsions--the urge to pick at them. Amanda, you said this is different than si. i don't see it like at that. i thought si was due to compulsions. please explain.
well, today i took off the bandaids. fingers still sore, ripped u, but healing. stayed in bed most of the day trying to recover from this stupid cold. the phone company came and fixed the phone line that was down. internet working again. yay.
have to go to the clinic tomorrow to fill out forms for Shabtai. a real pain in the you-know-where, but Shabtai says i should go--the family doc will check me out also with my cold. just the thought of having to go in the cold with this stupid cold is so unappealing. all i really want to do is just stay under the covers and do nothing--go between resting, quiet, and then listening to the news every few hours.
things are happening so fast here--every three or four hours it is a totally different story.
i am now starting to wonder if this coaching business will really ever turn a profit. once again, people are initially interested, either from the article that was published about me in a Jewish magazine, or through the new teleclasses i have started. but then, as soon as making a comitment comes up, with a reasonable payment fee--they're out the door, so to speak.
i keep thinking this will just become another one of those volunteer activities. nothing realy wrong with that, except that my t. and coaches all say i have been perpetually volunteering and it's time for me to really start earning money for myself, for my self-esteem, to prove i can do it.
i remind myself it takes two years to really get a business going and i have not really been at it for more than a few months. just really getting my feet wet.
i try to fight the negativity off not to get depressed about it.
after all, there are more important things in life, especially with war eminent here and people losing their lives daily.
at least the urge to bite my cuticles has stopped for now. if i can just hold on to that until the fingers heal, that would be great.
haven't had a vivid dream for over a week--guess that stage of the medication readjustment has passed.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
For me there is a difference
Hi Tziporah!
www.rainbowinspirations.co.uk
http://rainbowinspired.livejournal.com/
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Well, after a long haul, I finally had my first eye surgery yesterday. I tried resting a lot beforehand to get rid of this cold as much as I could. I actually think the surgery may have helped in that regard, as he cleared out the tear duct between the eye and nose--he had to break some of the nose bone to do it. The doc said my bones were as hard as the Great Wall of China--I was surprised, because I have always been prone to osteoporhosis. It also runs in our family. But then, I still get my periods, so that may not mean anything. Still, I have never been big on drinking milk or taking calcium, so I was surprised.
The surgery itself was not too painful, although cetain parts of it were difficult. He could not do all that he had wanted to do within the eye, as the anatomy of my eye is difficult, sunken and small. other doctors have said the same thing, so i wasn't surprised by that.
now, my nose is bleeding a lot and my eye is puffy. will take a few days to recover.
I'm having girls for Sabbath. I have mixed feelings about it. One part of me wants to have them--tired of social isolation, want to get back into things, realize I must force myself. I have been laying around in bed too long, and the longer I lie around around, the harder it is to get up.
The other part is a bit sorry about it--I mean, I don't look so appealing--puffy eyes, swoolen nose and drippy goop.
Well, what's done is done.
They're teenagers and I guess they'll manage.
Actually, I'm less tired now. But then, I haven't taken the anibiotic yet that I am supposed to start today. Will do what I'm supposed to--start taking it, and I hope that won't put me out. Maximum if it does, will just apologize to the girls. I've already cancelled a few previously scheduled weeks and I can't keep doing that forever.
I know me comes first, but still...
Actually, last week Shabtai had a group of friends over for the Sabbath. I didn't do anything---just laid in bed with a really bad cough. still, hearing them joke around and sing was great.
so, i guess it all euqals out in the end.
as long as I was lying around in bed, my nail-biting was at a minimu. slept most of the time. on Tuesday, there was a turning point. just fed up with lying around and sleeping endlessly, although everyone, from my therapist to friends and husband said i needed to do that--get my body rested and recovered from this massive cold i had and ready for the surgery. still, i was just getting too depressed and all the negative thoughts were coming back, like: if i can even handle this business venture, whether it's really what i want to do, etc.
finally, i talked to a very compassionate friend. she said it was normal to feel depressed when very sick. like my t., she said that once i got better, my thoughts would change. still, i felt more comfortable talking about it with her. she just reassured me, didn't try to probe or analyze.
after that, i took a free telephone seminar and signed up for a course. i guess what i see is if i really want to make this thing work, i have to work much harder than i have before and do it dilligently.
well, yesterday was the surgery and i'm feeling sore, but at least more awake.
now, after this long blurb, if you are still with me, the critical part that is really frustrating me right now.
as long as i was in bed, i didn't pick my nails so much, as i said before. now, that i'm up again, just in the last day or two, the nail biting is coming back not so bad if i can get control of it in time, catch it in time and stop it. but i was very aware when i was doing it. two tiny sores on my left thumb, a cut on the side of my third left finger, cuts on the sides of my right second finger. a cut on one side of my right third finger. the typical places that always get cut when i start.
i don't want this to go into a full-blown thing.
help!
i know what it is going on. it's the anxiety about getting back into the business.
and would you blieve it or not? one of my coaching clients is going through the very same thing! success anxiety. yesterday she told me it was the first time she had ever had a real chance succeeding at anything--critical parents, being passed from teacher to teacher in school, not finishing college, jobs that weren't really suited to her, self-conscious about her looks. well, change the name and it could have been a repeat of my story--of course some details were different, but it was close enough. you know what i mean?
here i am, her coach, trying to prop her up, tell her success is a gradual thing, not an instant bang into success. she has support. no need to feel overwhelmed, etc.
i need this kind of coaching for myself. laugh.
well. that's about it.
got to get back into a solid schedule.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
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