Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)


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It's Saturday night now. nail biting--meaning, cuticl ripping getting worse again. Can't place exact cause more than general anxiety.
Started in the afternoon. Picked at my skin, played with it, felt bettr playing with it. Then picking some more, chewing on it.
Feels like I'm digressing again.
This isn't what I want.
I don't want to have to increase my dosage again.
Maybe it's just the antibiotics playing havoc with my regular meds and things will return to regular once I get off them.
Very stuffed p in the nose and eye swoolen--but eye less swoolen than before.
Had guests in the house for Sabbath and that was good.
Went to synagogue at night and in the morning and that was good too.
But got upset when I couldn't find things. Of course, I wanted to find them right away, when I needed them.
Shabtai said to forget it, to remember that I had just been through an operation and had a bad cold. I also snapped at him, which didn't help too much. I apologized for that.
In any event, of course, ater everyone left, I found what I had been looking for in the morning--usual story that one.
I want to find it NOW, not later. that also felt like the old feelings returning of needing to find it now.
Still, although I obsessed about it a bit, was able to forget about it and get on with other things. I realized looking for the things I could not find was just going to put me in a bad mood.
It's one step forward and two steps back, or two steps forward and one step back.
But this nail ripping is a real bummer. Got to get past that, get my hands in better shape before I go to the ritualarium bath next week again.
I am strting to think about more of m goals, like maybe starting to eat breakfast in the morning. Something I haven't done.
Well, an encouraging word would help, een though I don't write too much on anyone else's threads.
Truing to get back to myself after the past few months of not feeling like myself at all healthwise.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
cl of the Self-Injury
What can I tell you? Everything was okay until Saturday night. That morning I went to early services and returned to wake up the girls. it was then I felt the cold air entering my chest--i hadn't bothered to button my coat. I also could have just been too weak. I really didn't want to have the guests at all--if they hadn't been there I would probably have just stayed at home and not even gone to synagogue. but since the guests were there...
Well, late saturday afternoon I started to feel really bad again and by Sunday I had a full-blown cough, clogged up nose, could not talk, etc. From the amount of coughing, I cracked my rib cage. I could actually feel the bones cracking.
In the end, I went to the doctor. he drained off the gunk in my nose--the surgery involved cutting into the bone in my nostril--there was a lot of blood and gunk. then, I started to throw up. at that point, the doctor feared I was developping pneumonia. he said if the accompanying fever didn't break by morning I would have to go to the hospital. truly, if he had said to go right then, I would have. i felt that horrible.
fortunately, the fever broke, and i am now able to get up and walk around. my ribs are still quite sore and i still have a bad cough.
compared to the eye operation itself--which was a breeze and successful--well, everything else was much more complicated than the operation.
anyway, i have had a lot of time to sit and think about things, especially since i couldn't talk even if i would have wanted to.
one of the things the doc did was put me on strong penicillin for 20 days duration. somewhere during all of this chaos i stopped taking the paxxel and even if i had taken it, the antidepressants would have been affected. now my mind is much clearer. it wasn't just that--i really didn't have the energy to take the regular meds plus everything else.
now things are calmer and i haven't resumed taking the paxxel and, to be honest, i am not sure i want to.
i know i have always counseled others never to go off meds without first consulting their doc. well, i did do that. i did call her and left a message. typical of her, she still hasn't called back and that was over a day ago.
i decided i wanted to write a list of new life goals. i am thinking about that.
the only real change in mood since stopping the meds has been that i am probably, not probably, absolutely, a little shorter on the temper--more prone to snap, impatient, a bit more upset about losing things, the old problems.
still, i feel i am far enough advanced in therapy that i want to try to see if i can handle things without the paxxel. the nail-biting and hair-cutting has been slight, but not a full-blown thing.
i don't know if this is a fair state of reallity as it usually is. i mean, when i am lying down and not doing anything, it is hard to be anxious about things. when i get up and start doing things, that is when the anxiety starts.
still...
one big lucky break i got came this week--something worth celebrating. i signed up for a course on how to design an email newsletter and email list building--both strategies are important for online marketing. well, as a bonus to the program, a select few, (only five applicants), get extra attention--such as private sessions with the class leader, (the course is given on conference line), a guarantee of help in establishing a newsletter with 2000 subscriber, and extra classes for only the fie applicants selected.
of course it isn't cheap, but i figure it is vital for my business.
well, i was selected to be one of the five lucky ones for this "inner circle!" i really felt triumphant when i got accepted. i really feel like things are starting to take off. in this area at least.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
In a real bitchy mood. But, strangely enough, I am rather enjoying the sensation of feelings, With paxil, everything was just dull senstion. I feel the feelings are sharper now.
I have had two really bolistic episodes. but I don't think I was totally wrong in one of them.
I will be honest--more than two episodes. OKAY.
still, the pdoc hasn't called--typical--more than five days now, and typical of her, and I still don't want to go back on it.
I שצ שנךק אם ןגקמאןכט 'ישא ןד ישפפקמןמע ןמ רקארםדפקבא שמג צשטנק אישא ןד עםםגץ
for example, I had had a trial session with a new client and we agreed to start working together. then last night she called and she said she was feeling too overwhelmed.
I got off the phone call in a real mood--took it all personally. typical of all clients. none of them willing to make a commitment. willing to do things for free, but not pay for them. whereas I seem to always be paying for any service I want!
I really rented and raved about it on and on. I realized it was "good" in that it was getting the inner anger out.
then, after a night's sleep, I was able to see things differently. I decided instead of just agreeing to her terms, at least I should call her and find out what happened, realizing that feeling overwhelmed--which she said she was--is often typical when people take on new tasks, as she was trying to do in our work.
I said she did not have to recommit to working, but I wanted to at least understand what caused the change of heart. gradually, she opened up and by the end of the call we had re-established our goals and she was a client again!
I realized I had misread the whole thing, that it was misplaced anger, and that I had taken it personally. Also, I wasn't going to just let clients quit on me, as I had done before, but work hard at least before letting them go--exploring why they wanted to quit.
Another situation was a totally bolistic one. Another one of those not being able to find what I needed. Shabtai even said" I thought you had worked on that in therapy." well, I guess it is flaring up again.
I really thought I had these things conquered, that I had overcome them, that they were gone. I did not expect the bad reactions to surface so quickly. It seems like that all the meds did was "bury" them, make them "dormant, go to sleep" for a while.
I think now I need less of the meds and more of the cognitive therapy approach, which I can certainly get.
Also, Shabtai's eye surgery, which was yesterday, turned out to be more complicated than expected, and the results may not be as good as we had hoped either. He's depressed, very disappointed, and that is painful for me to watch.
He is coming to terms with it.
Well, he can't go out of the house for a few days--has to rest. But he needs help with some of the opst-op care and finding the help is hard. I really got bolistic about that last night as well. Of course, it will all work out in the end and I can see that now.
What really got to me was the thought that I'd have to ask all around the neighborhood for people's help and I don't want this surgery to become neighborhood gossip. I think I have some validity for this possibility. Last week, an acquaintance called up and told me about someone in the neighborhood who had had her breast removed. I was really shocked--I mean, something really intensely personal like that and the whole neighborhood knows about it@ People here have good intentions, are concerned and caring, but I don't want my or my husband's medical issues to become street talk. It was that fear that got the anger going--I don't want tens of people coming in to help out. I just want a trusted few who I can count on to keep their mouths shut.
Even if it ends up a lot of people know about it, at least I will know it wasn't because I had the whole neighborhood here.
I started picking at my cuticles in the usual places and suddenly I realized that they were the usual places and I didn't want that.
Also, after last night's episodes, bolistic episodes, I actually fell asleep and aftr that, when I woke up later, I was able to get myself to do deep relaxation, which I haven't been able to do for a year at least.
I think if I can hold on until the withdrawal symptoms abait, I might be able to do okay without this drug. true, in retrospect, it would have been more correct and smarter and better for my moods to go off gradually, but now that I am off it, I don't want to go back on it again. I am ready to do the cognitive work necessary so that will not happen.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah, I totally understand taking things so personally and then as you did after sleeping on things, being able to look at things from a different perspective - and look at how things turned out when you changed your approach. A lesson I too needed
Thanks for writing back.
You never bore me and what is going on with you never bores me either.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
cl of the Self-Injury
i AM REALLY NOT SURE WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT AND HOW IT RELATES TO WHAT i HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT.
pLEASE EXPLAIN.
aNYWAY, THE LESSON I have learned this week is to limit myself on computer forms I can't figure out.
Twice this week, I spent over 90 minutes trying to fill out different forms. In the first case, I finally decided instead of repeatedly getting stuck, I would just call up the company.
But then, I could not find their number.
Finally, through directory assistance, I got through to them. What took ninety minutes took about fifteen via the phone--if you include looking for their phone number.
Now, I wanted to pay a check to someone through the bank. I tried to fill out the payment form and just could not do it. Even with the bank operator trying to help, I could not do it. I just spent another frustrating 90 minutes.
Finally, a bit too late, perhaps, I decided enough is enough and I'll send it a different way.
In the old days, I would have, could have, ended up obsessing about this for hours, refusing to quit UNTIL I GOT IT!
I'm not saying wasting 90 minutes twice in week on things I could not do is great, but it is bettr than what I would have done before.
Thee has also been another great change. I used to be very anxious about the busines aspects involved with setting up my business.
I have now started to take some online course related to internet marketing and suddenly all of this feels very exciting and a lot of creative ideas are flowing.
All of this surprises me.
I have done some nail-biting here and there, but have not gotten back into the amount I was doing before.
The edginess I wrote about is still hee, but lessening, and I have not missed the paxxil either.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
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