Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 01-30-2009 - 9:30pm
Tziporah, it was me posting as harmonious1, I just made a mistake, so you can ignore that post.

Amanda


cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 1:00am

Hi Tziporah,

Sorry to have disappeared on everyone here for such a long time. It's been busy here, stressful at times, sad during the Christmas/New Year holidays and just a few weeks ago because a couple of friends had suddenly passed away. I'm also just starting to mourn my best friend's passing even though she died in August. I've been in denial - easy to do when she lived on another continent, but her young daughter has begun to email me every few days so this is something I need to do.

I've been looking at EFT, hoping to learn it a little bit at a time to help myself and eventually help those near me, too.

I've got to post on a few other boards now, but I'll come back later to catch up on this thread to see how you've been doing. I've missed you a lot!














iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 02-01-2009 - 4:45pm
Hi Poppy,
I am so sorry to hear that you have been going through so many emotionally heavy things. It is hard to have several loved ones or good friends pass away all at once. Sometimes denial can be good--the shock is just too painful.
Time is a healer, as you know, and little by little you will be able to come to terms emotionally and intellectually with what has happened.
You can go the EFT homepage through google. they have a wide range of materials, including things you can learn yourself.
I haven't done eft for a couple of months now, but perhaps its effects are still helping me.
I've been off pixxil for about two weeks, or maybe three. My time frame is so mixed up as to when I actually stopped, but I'm sure it was Saturday night--I just can't remember which Saturday night.
Sometimes the former manifestations of OCD come back--much more than pure depression. Like, for instance, this Sabbath. I wanted to find a hot water bottle--we have do of them--one for my husband and one for me. It gets cold here and we put them under the quilt to warm up the bed. very cozy. we don't sleep with heat on at night.
well, I couldn't find it and I just kept obsessing about it, I just could not get it off of my mind.
Shabtai said: "it really isn't such a big deal. this hot water bottle, maybe costs a dollar to get one."
I then realized it was not the bottle per se that I was getting upset about, but the fact that I KNEW it was here and still couldn't find it! that was what was frustrating me.
last night I went into the office to get something and--bingo--there it was on my desk! dare I say i had passed that desk hundreds of times and probably touched it even, but somehow I missed it.
well, it was then that I realized that these little glitches of OCD come back to me.
Today I had another one of those episodes. I needed to send a check to someone and thought I would do it online through the bank. you can do that kind of thing.
I didn't want to send it "snail mail", and I didn't want to send it special delivery because one of my checks already got lost that way. I had already spent hours trying to do it last week with no luck. still, I spent the whole morning--a couple of hours--trying to do it. Neither I nor anyone else who tried to do it could figure out how to complete the required form. Of course, I could have been doing other things, such as catching up on a load of classwork, but instead kept trying over and over to do this.
Eventually, reluctantly, angrily, I admitted defeat and sent the check via fedex.
When I was on the paxxil I had gotten to the point where these episodes would last a few minutes and I would then be able to "forget" about it and accept the situation. somehow, my need to want to do it all myself has resurfaced.
I also had this another time last week with trying to register for a teleseminar online. just couldn't get that stupid form filled in.
finally, after about two hours of frustration, I called the office of the people giving the seminar and I was able to pay over the phone and gave them my info.
the point is, I have started to waste hours, not just minutes, again, just as I had done before going on meds.
I asked Shabtai if he has noticed any difference since my coming off meds. He said this is the only thing he notices--my increased irritability and the obsessiveness when I can't do or find something myself.
Now I know if I were to tell this one to my t. he'd have a field day with it, really dig into me and I don't really want to go through that--don't want to have to tell him about it.
As it is, he's very good at getting his point across and hitting the parts that need to be worked on accurately.
Even with this resurfacing of this behavior, I still don't want to go back on paxxil. I would rather like to try to learn to overcome it myself, deal with it, confront it, challenge it, face it, and force myself to stop doing this stupid, time-wasting habit of obsessing with the compulsive behavior.
It's like the meds soften it, dull it, so the OCD isn't as strong, sharp, blunt. Maybe I needed that before, but now I want to grow through it, work through it, get passed it without having to go back onto the meds.
PS. my pdoc still hasn't called and I feel after two/three weks I don't rally owe her anything.
When she finally does call, I'll tell her I did my duty-the correct thing-left a message.
As for my cuticles, right now they are mostly okay, with occasional spots of rough skin here and there. Except for one finger which is really sore and which is the focus ofmost ofmy concentration, I haven't been doing too much nail-picking. Nor have I done any haircutting for about a week and feel no desire to do so.
The issues in therapy are deeper, having more to do now with my general mindset, how I see myself overall in relationship to myself and others.
Like, last week he again cautioned me not to put all my eggs in one basket--get so tied up with this coaching thing to the exclusion of everything else. I know I have had that tendency before--he was just warning me. A day after the session, I thought bout it--like a slow-active drug that penetrates slowly. That's what this therapy is like--a slow-active drug. It doesn't always bother me right away, but a day or two later I suddenly think about the session and the pain starts--the pain of awareness, having to deal with what he's telling me.
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 12:01pm

It's nearly midnight so this is going to be short for now.

Yes on the EFT website. I have the manual, I'll try to get the DVD's to learn more. There are EFT practitioners here, but so far from their profiles I haven't read any that make my mind and heart say: yes, with this person. But I'm getting there!

Tzip, I think that when one goes off a medication, some of the old symptoms does come back. If it's time to be off the meds the symptoms will go away, if not then I think that patients go back on the meds. But I think that you've made gigantic progress, and I think that this will eventually go away. Why? Because your cuticles are okay. In the past, they would have been bloodied.

You need to activate - or pay attention to - the inner voice that says, "Tziporah, breathe! Inhale loving light energy, exhale frustrations. Relax, stretch, do something else for a bit, then come back to it in 30 minutes."

When we are all worked up, our mind closes in and it's difficult to think/see/feel clearly. A lot of times what we need is just on the outermost edge of our perception, but we're too busy huffing and puffing in panic that we don't see it. This goes for every human being.

Back tomorrow (hopefully).

I've missed you lots!
















iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 02-08-2009 - 9:23am
Hello, Poppy,
thanks for the message. just reading that inhale/exhale bit in your post was very relaxing.
i am still picking my cuticles a bit--and also cutting my hair--but no more than when i was on the meds. i mean, there are a few sore spots here and there, but no full-blown relapse yet. and i have started cutting my hair about once a week when the urge just seems to come over me. instead of fighting it, i just give into it and the episode ends pretty quickly--about 15-20 minutes. tne, i can stop when i've finished and walk away from the scissors and resume what i was doing before and feeling better. but, as i said, i had these things happening when i was on the medication, so i don't think there is any real difference there.
i feel a bit tired, but that may also be because i'm still coming out of this bad bronchitis i just had.
last week i had no therapy at all. Monday, I had to be in the hospital for follow-up. I was supposed to have it Thursday, but my therapist's wife was just hospitalized and he was busy with her and couldn't keep the session.
i have been able to manage okay without therapy and without meds for a week--the first time that has happened to me. I think it was a good test. no more severe a reaction to anything happening here than i would have had with either therapy and meds or therapy without meds. moody and a little down at times--but i had those feelings on the meds also. then it passes and i can resume doing what i was doing, or just acknowledge the thought or feeling and then move on.
i have given a lot of thought as to what i want to talk about in my next session.
unless he's till tied up with his wife, i'm scheduled for my next session Monday.
my doc hasn't called yet. i figure, one day out of the blue she'll get around to it. when she does, i'll just tell her i'm off the stuff.
in the past, i would have been very annoyed and agitate if she had done that to me--like she was abandoning me. now, i just tell myself: "i didn't go off this stuff without telling her first." i did my part of the deal. it was she who didn't respond. probably my message got lost among all her other stuff--she readily admits herself she is disorganized. i am tired of that kind of thing.-her disorganization, her never being on time for appointments, her taking days or weeks to respond to my messages.

if i need to go on meds again, i am not sure i will go back to her. i have even thought of just regulating it myself--but i know that isn't really safe.
still, you'd figured she'd call up.
as far as eft practicioners, Poppy, I think you can get in touch with some practicioners who do work over the phone.
maybe they could do it via skype or internet.
Poppy, i miss you to.
we really have got to get connected again one of these days on skype for a chat.
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 12:35am
Hi all,
well, the t. was back on Monday. after last week off, once because i had to be in the hospital for a post-op exam, and once because his wife was in the hospital, back to the regular routine--he's really honing in on my reactions to things, how a lot if it is that "inner child" response. the probing is necessary, but painful, like a fine needle going in.
right now, i am reading a book on depression in men writteten by a psychotherapist. he brings a lot of therapy stories--sounds like one of those no-nonsense types. but, to be fair, he also is a supportive type when needed.
like: he tells someone who asks him a question: "you're here in therapy, aren't you? think about it."
somehow, reading this book gives me the support and strength i need to go through the sessions, seeing that that is how it is, no easy answers, just hard questions that peal back everything.
i guess that's where i'm at right now in this thing, no more extraneous material, just deep core work.
as for my nails, two fingers with sore cuticles and the rest healing. bothered by the sores.
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Tue, 02-10-2009 - 4:12pm
Tziporah, I think that the fact that much of the same mood and reactions as you had on the meds is now without the med is a pretty good sign. If you are not handling things any worse than you would before stopping the Paxil, then you are doing pretty good. I'm glad that you won't regulate your own meds though and I think it perfectly fine that you see a different doctor if you have to go on the meds again. And you made it through a week without therapy, bravo. I'm sorry I haven't been around as much this week or last, it's been a rough time for me. The weather is getting nicer though and at least that's something. I despise the winter.

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 02-11-2009 - 4:22am
Hi Amanda,
yesterday was a challenge. there was an all-day religious seminar at a local synagogue. went for the first part--got bored and fell asleep. went home and then discovered i missed the really good speeches, which came later. condemned myself for leaving just before the really good stuff started. conclusion--my husband, who had been there for the good speeches, and i decided that in the future it would be better if i come later to this particular synagogue. usually the good speeches they save for last.
also, to be fair, there were refreshments, but to get them you had to go downstairs, which meant leaving the room where the speeches were. they could have put refreshments at the back of the room where the speeches were and made it easier for people to stay awake--a little food and drink sending energy to the system.
then i came home and did some work. after that, there was a power failure from a thunderstorm. more condemnation--if oly i had stayed at the seminar--at least there they had electricity, insteadof now also being unable to use the computer.
then my parents called. i think they may be having memory problems. i know my mother has them, and that's been going on for years, but now i think my father may be starting up with it. he confused the days of the week and forgot he had een called me two days earlier. second time in last few days he's called, asking for something he "forgot".
tried to check it out with sisters. both sisters away on business trips.
evening was better--had some clients. successes in each case. then i wanted to talk to someone, another client, and Shabtai said, "why so late? at least they should be paying you."
they aren't. that hurt. but i said nothing.
then i wanted to attend a teleclass fromcoaching school. Shabtai gets angry when i attend them late at night. he's right, of course, he wants time with me. but sometimes, that is the only time slots these classes are available. in the end, i got tired and skipped it. felt a wave of that old depression feeling come over me. i accepted it. then i let it pass. i told myself: "do i want to go back on meds again? is this the old depression settling back in?" no way.
i certainly hoped-hope not. i'm going to do my darndest to stay off those pills! seven years on them is long enough!
after that, it passed.
more cuticle biting, but not too bad. those hard-to-heal sores annoying. keep focusing on them. they're healing, but taking their slow sweet time about it.
today, trying to stay focused--very disciplined at my desk, trying to be more structured in my work. think it's working.
anyway, more therapy tomorrow. groan/laugh.
i know i am avoiding some topics i should be talking about. but trust the t. to dig them out. he''s a master at it!
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 02-12-2009 - 2:22pm
Hi Tziporah, it definately sounds like a difficult day, and you still got through it. Good for you. I'm proud of all the work you've done. I wish you strength to get through those things with your tdoc that you have been avoiding. I didn't end up going to the training - the lady didn't call me back. I'll have to call again to find out when they have another. Right now I have to get to some baking to do - cookies to do for work tomorrow and cakes for my uncle's birthday. I also have some knitting and crocheting jobs to do and sewing that I want to do - but since that is just for me, it will probably keep getting put off.

Amanda


cl of the Self-Injury

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 02-12-2009 - 4:43pm
Hi Amanda,
Sounds like you are doing a lot of nice comforting things: baking cookies, sewing, knitting, crocheting. some people might think these are "woman" things, but there is something very comforting in doing them. that is how i felt when i read this part of your message.
you do so many things for so many others, you certainly deserve to do something for yourself. why keep putting it off?--as you say.
does this not sound familiar? if itwas the other way around, i could imagine you writing this to me. laugh.
as far as the therapy goes, he really dug into me today and i'm still sore from it. he made an observation and i remained silent, which he then used to prove his point. "if i wasn't correct, or if it was not so, you wouldn't be silent, would you?" he didn't say it in precisely those words, but other words, but that was clearly his intention.
i had really remained silent simply because i didn't have a response, any response. the observation had been painful and there was really nothing i could say. i was just trying to take it in, digest it absorb it. that was why i remained silent.
then he attacked me because i hadn't responded.
maybe it was a tactical maneuver, one of those strategies therapists use to get their patients to talk.
it didn't get me mad then, but i'm boiling mad about it now. mad and sore. i'm going to confront him withit on Monday, and he will probably say that that just further proves his point. we were, after all, talking about anger and its place in my life and how much it energizes me.
in fact, i was using the silence as a way of agreeing that there was some validity to his observation. silence meaning tacit agreement.
but i guess he wanted to drag it out of me, get me to own it, admit it, trigger a response.
well, i complied, talked about the anger some more.
now, a few hours later, it's starting to hurt. the therapy, i mean, starting to hurt.
that's what's so hard about it. a lot of times, during the session itself there's no pain. that comes later. like anesthesia wearing off. then the pain that the anesthesia was trying to mask. something like that.
well, i guess that is what he wants--to trigger this response.
so he's succeeded again, as usual.
i'm feeling tired now, spent, worn out.
as far as the way things are going, in general, i have been working hard and finding it satisfying mostof the time.
that seems to be where i am the happiest, when i am working, but i could also see my t. calling that a work-addiction.
to try to break out of it, i went with my husband to his eye doctor yesterday. so i am trying to get out more.
still, i think it set me back healthwise, going out yesterday and the day before. it was cold and i guess some of the cold seaped into my symptom and i have been feeling weaker again--more mucus in my nostrils and that hacky cough. i went back on the cold medications i had been taking last week. i am trying to strengthen myself for the upcoming eye surgery next week.
tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com

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