Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
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I'm feeling a little better than I was in the morning. It's evening now.
You are right about everything. It's just that I see things differently. It's more of a hassle for me to go to a rental video and to figure out how to use one in the computer than to try to download one. I don't watch movies very much, but I saw a video clip of this film and really want to watch it. Ultimately, I'll figure something out. I also thought of just reading the book, something I can also do. But I'd like to see the film, especially since it was rated so highly from the acting point of view.
As far as the coaching thing goes, well, I had a session with my t. today. Suddenly, in the middle of it, I recalled that about eight years ago, before I started with this current t., I had ropped my previous one because I hadn't liked the way she was doing certain things. I had totally forgotten about that. It's funny how certain things are forgotten! laugh. Well, I asked my t. if he had ever had an experience of a client terminating, dropping out, etc., where he had made a mistake. Of course he couldn't reveal the details, and he is very sparse when it comes to sharing anything about himself--although he has told me some things, like that his father is no longer living. Anyway, he did say he has had these experiences. I then asked him how he handled them. He said it was "difficult", but that "you just have to go on." I gradually started to recall that in coaching school we talked about the incompatibility of coach and client. I realize I have a lot of trouble with relationships. Still, it helped thinking about the issues in light of these realizations.
Regarding my parents, you basically have said what my therapist has always said: that each year it gets a little better. I do try to do things so I'm not with them the whole day. It's the criticism, or the anticipation of criticism, that makes their visits so hard. One week I think I could handle, but two weeks seemlike so long. And we really do not have that much in common. Try talking about trivia for two weeks. It's very stressful and draining.
I have thought a million times about asking them to come for one week instead of two, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Guilt, perhaps. After all, they're the ones making this expensive long-distance trip. After all they've put into raising me. Gratitude. And it would hurt them. So I bite my lip, so to speak.
I wrote that I thought about going on the meds again. Maybe you are right. EFT would probably be a smarter thing to do. Every time I would go on or off paxxil or change the dose, I would have these vivid night dreams and they were often frightening. I know that's a side effect of the meds, but I don't really want to go through that again.
Anyway, my sleep is better now, after many months of abnormal sleep patterns, and the meds always screw that up too. Plus, I've actually lost a little weight and the meds always made me gain. Not interested in gaining weight right now, especially with my parents coming and their criticisms of my weight.
But mostly, and this is the most significant fact of all, I feel like the meds just covered up everything. They didn't solve anything. It took me quite awhile to realize that this is actually their function. I ended up reading about that phenomenon in a book on depression. I guess it's necessary when you're so deeply depressed. But when I came off of them in Jan., 2009, I felt betrayed when I realized the same old problems are still there--all the difficulties. I have got to face them, not escape from them through meds.
Plus, it takes awhile till they kick in anyway.
Right now, I'm feeling a little better. If I can just maintain it maybe I can get the momentum back.
I'll keep an open mind on the subject. Knowing my t., if he really felt I absolutely must take it, he would tell me to go back on the paxxil. As it is, he has only "suggested" it. We discussed going to one session per week, but after giving it a lot of thought, even with the added expense, I stayed with the twice-weekklyformat. I think that was a wise decision considering how things have been going.
Thanks for your encouraging words as always. You are a true friend.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
I'll explain why I didn't want to go to a video store. I am not sure you'll understand--comprehend, but I'll try explaining it. It has to do with the Orthodox community here--many people don't have TV, computers, etc. Many people won't read secular books either. Of course, this is not a hard-and-fast rule and there are many people who get around it. To get internet, my husband and I first asked our spiritual advisor about it. For business reasons and because there aren't kids in the house, he gave permission. Still, a lot of my friends, most of my friends, don't even know I have it.
I guess this image that I've tried to portray, or what I'm supposed to portray, is not really reality, but if I were to come out openly and say I have internet, it would change my standing in the community. I have a lot of ambivalence about it, of course. But it's more than that. The fact that I wear a head-covering, that I only wear skirts, shows that I belong to a certain type of community. Going into a video shop and taking out a video would or could mean certain things. Poppy, I think you know what I'm getting at, trying to say, coming as you do from an Islamic culture. I'm not really explaining this very well. But, it just is "better", doesn't cause problems by doing this privately, (should I say, secretly). I have a lot of mixed feelings about a lot of things in the religious community, but there is a standard. So, I have to live with that.
Anyway, perhaps just as important, is the feeling of success when I finally figured out how to do it. I finally got youtube to work and accessed it that way.
By the way, it really is a good film and, for once, no sex. I will try to get the book, because I think the issues it raises are important. I've been reading a lot about motherhood/career.
I don't have that close a connection with any kids. Sure, I see my husband's sisters' kids, but it's just usually for dinner, not more than that. I never have felt that comfortable with kids, not sure how to handle them, especially since my twin and I were the last kids in our house. Still, there is that maternal need inside. I thought it would go away. I can go for months or longer without being bothered by it and then it will flare up again. I guess I'm going through one of those periods/phases now.
What sparked it was this book, What Are Mother's Didn't Tell Us, by Danielle Crittenden, (1999), in which she talks about how women are marrying later, having kids later, after they've established their careers, or finding that by the time they finally want to marry, they're left out--behind, since there is nobody really available. etc. and she talks about the loneliness of not having kids. I guess that's what sparked it this time. It still hurts quite a lot and usually I can submerge the pain.
Anyway, I've had my little entertainment, and now I have got to get down to the serious business of work.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
((((((huge hugs))))))
I just felt like giving you huge hugs!
Tziporah, you had to figure it out as much as possible because it you. Part of it is because you don't want anyone, including yourself, to think that you can't because you are blind. Part of it is because you are a determined person. And both are fine. I do notice, though, that there's a lot less anguish in your note about calling in the computer guy for help. Hooray!
I am glad that you liked the film. I think is came out more or less after I split up with my ex-fiance, so anything dealing with separation and divorce was too painful to bear, watch, listen. The book should be interesting!
A few months ago I went through a period of sadness because I didn't have kids, and because the odds that I do have a child of my own are decreasing at the rate of a speeding bullet. Unlike some women, I'd never thought that having a husband or child would make me a complete person (in other words, I've always felt complete especially after addressing the issues connected to the traumas). I had also thought that I would have enjoyed being a mother, but I wanted to have a family with the right person and at the right time. Marriage for marriage's sake was never something that interested me, either so there were a few men I turned down. Being a single parent was something that I didn't want to do - not that I think that it's wrong, but mostly because I never thought I could take care of a child on my own. A lot of men and women can do it but I can't and it would have been unfair on the child to have a mother who couldn't cope.
Because the pain felt very much like grief, I grieved for a few weeks. I mourned the loss of dreams - dreams of having my own children, of seeing them grow up, of teaching them about life, of taking them to the first day of school, and of being a grandmother one day. Now I'm good again. There are pangs - such as when I met a much younger man and just kind of had to let him go because having a family with him isn't possible - but it comes and then it goes.
I have to confess, though, that that painful time coincided with one of my closest friends leaving her husband because she wanted to have another child. Communications were difficult between us at that time, and we're still fairly much estranged though I think we're in each other's thoughts all the time.
Ok, I am starting to ramble so I will go!
PS: The Muslim society here is very moderate even amongst those who wear headscarves. Most people have TV and internet. But I do understand what you are saying!
Hi Poppy,
You know me so well! oof!
You're absolutely right, spot on, about how I feel when I can't do something myself and have to call for help. I hate it!
Take yesterday, for example. The coaching school sent the details for the upcoming graduation and they had it in some kind of virtual format--pictures with words encoded in it. i have software that should decode just this kind of thing--cost enough money to get it, so that when it didn't work, i was already aggravated. well, after spending hours trying to download the file from which this file supposedly comes, i finally realized i wasn't going to get it and reluctantly sent an email to the support team explaining the situation and requesting a regular plain old-fashioned email without all the gobbledygook. still waiting for it. the point of this story: (which you can probably figure out for yourself), is that i hate having to admit defeat, hate having to admit that i couldn't do something as simple as read this stupid email, and that i had to admit why, because of the blindness issue, and tha after all my persistence i still couldn't do it! everything you said.
now i know that many things on the web that go smoothly for sighted individuals are a real pain for blind people to access and read. hardly a week goes by when this kind of thing isn't encountered. so in my rational mind i know it isn't me. still, it's very frustrating.
i was reading an article by a blind person and he said something, "on a typical day there is always discrimination somewhere." i knew exactly what he meant. not complaining, just confirming your observations.
i never meant that one should marry just for the sake of saying they're married. that's the worst thing a person could do. although i'm sure a lot of people do that kind of thing. if it isn't with a decent person, it's not worth it.
i guess it's the loneliness that is the worst part. i guess i was under the illusion that work would somehow cover that up. coaching school has kept me busy, my mind diverted, just like the antidepressants did in their own way. i guess that's what hurts the most.
on Tuesday, there was an organized trip to Hebron to the place known as the Tomb of the Patriarchs. this site is believed to be the burial ground for Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebecca, Jacob and Leah and also Adam and Eve. Rachel is buried in a tomb near Bethlehem. So it is a holy site to all the religions.
Well, I haven't been there for twenty-plus years, so I was really looking forward to it. And my husband was also part of this trip, which obviously made it even more enjoyable. Plus, the people who organized it did a superb job of logistics, so there was really nothing to get upset about, and indeed it all went like clock work. plus, there were a few people i knew, so there wasn't that unnpleasantness from being alone. so, why did i sit there biting my cuticles? i really couldn't figure it out and was bewildered. thought i should write about it on the board. but then, rather now, thinking about it, i think the answer is the infertility thing. after all, anyone who knows a little about Biblical history knows that all of the patriarchs and matriarchs struggled with infertility. all of their struggles are recorded in Genesis. indeed, while sitting there i did think of it, did think of where my life is going now.
still, it was a spiritually invigorating experience.
but right now i'm feeling tired and depressed. aggravated about the amount of money i spent on the software that can't decipher this file and i haven't done anything to move my coaching business along either. inersia.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
temperature here 36 celsius/high nineties fahrenheit. sweating.
also sweating because I've finally realized I have truly crossed the line and entered intomenopause. hot flashes. well, at age 54, iguess it's about time. it took awhile to adjust to the sudden sweats followed by the cold. with the air conditioner on, i would still go through sweat and then cold.
well, i guess tht's important because it probably is making the current depression worse. not that i'm depressed about passing into menopause. far from it. childbearing hasn't been an issue./and i'm glad the menstruation is over. when i was still getting my periods, i had to separate from myhusband periodically--in keeping with Orthodox Jewishlaw. thank G-d that's over with. get to be with him all the time! laugh!
seriously, I don't even know why I wrote all of this blurb, it just came out.
Well, coaching graduation was indeed a red-letter day, as they say, but since then it's been difficult.
I was just rereading some of the messages on this thread. my parents are coming tomorrow! I swear--shouldn't swear really,but you know what I mean--I feel absolutely nothing! no feelings about it! just dead! my therapist says that is progress, can you believe it? before I was all hyped up and tense about it. at least, according to him, this neutral feeling is improvement! talk about reframing thoughts! i guesss he's right.
and he seems to be right about a lot of things. like-----going back on the meds. something I definitely resisted and did not want to do. but the last month has been horrendous! everything coming undone. the main reson, the only reason, the Jewish holidays were so enjoyable--which they were--was because I did not have to touch the computer, think about business, or anything stressful. but before they came, (mid-Sept.), and as seen as they were over, (early Oct.), all the stress and tension returned--as if they had never left, as if there hadn't een been a break for the holidays!
a freak spate of continuous computer failures, each one just making mefeel more doubtful. i had decided to learn how to do word processing on the computer.till now i was using an old lap-top which was a cinch to use.but the printer which it is connected to is kaput, for all intents and purposes, so it was a matter of no choice. i thought learning word processing would be easy. i downloaded a good online tutorial and went to work. but this item wouldn't work, that function wouldn';t work, and i botched up everything--all the software in the process. plus, i spilled coffee or tea on the keyboard, which ruined it. the scanner machine suddenly stalled. the fridge stopped working. the oven door fell off and broke. all of this just last week! the latest in a series of mishaps. a lot of time, money, and agravasion fixing it all up.
and that's also part of it. if i can't get a stupid word procesing thing to work, how am i going tomention a website? videos? audios? all the tech stuff they say you need for coaching?
if that wasn't enough, i also have a medical issue. not a pleasant one, either. i have a cyst in the rectal area and itbecame inflamed and sessed. a real pain in the butt--literally. well, the doctor gave me some antibiotics and ointments to bring it under control, but i now have to undergo a colonoscopy to see if there is something deeper. i'm scheduled for that in two weeks. meanwhile, i am experiencing pain when i have to relief myself.
i'm also very tense about my parents' visit. afraid they're going to ask me to come to the U.S. for a visit. i haven't been there for ten yers. i asked our spiritual advisr/clergyman about it and he said it will be hard to get out of it this time--afterall, it's myparents sixtieth anniversary. well, if i have to go, he said tomake it short and sweet--a few days, at most a week!
of course, Shabtai won't prevent it, but he's veryunhapy about it. and there is the practical quesiton--where he would stay while i'm gone. things are getting complicated by his parents. not that we live with them--welive across the street from them. his father has Alzheimer's and in the last few months the decline has been swift and brutal. his mother is stressed out trying to care for him. Shabtai and his sisters are trying to figure out how to get homehelp for his mothjer, so it all doesn't fall on her shoulders, but the red tape is incredible! and of course, it costs money, ifyou want anything more than a few paltry hours a week from the government run agencies.
and wht about coaching? passion totally gone. and my parents, as you can imagine, will probably be talking about all of these things: a visit to the States, now that I have my coaching degree, what am I doing about the business?, and Shabtai's family--they know about the developments, but haven't seen his parents since thelast visit. of course,there is the usual get-together, but logistically it's nowmore complicted. what to do with Shabtai's father. he can't be left alone. and taking him to a restaurant is complicted. he has no idea what is going on. and his mother is stressed out herself.
now, you may ask, what does all of this have to do with self-injury? right? after all, this is the si message board. (laugh). besides believing that you are genuinely interested in what is happening with me, the bitter truth is--my fingers are a bloody mess! i actually went out and got a pack of those gloves i used to where way back in the early days. evey finger on the right hand, except for the fourth, is a bloody mess, notr to mention some on the left hand. my prents will see it. how can theynot? and if i put on bandaids, they'lll see that, too. so really no good way to hide it. i understand this has to do with the depression, the self-loathing. that that is why i engage in si. i got that insight through therapy. knowing that makes it easier, but doesn't help. i gave up on even trying tofight the si. apathetic, angry,depressed, tense--depending when you askmehow i'm feeling.
i guess i thought i was smart--smart enough not to have to need to come here. perhaps smugness. i had gotten over it. right. now it feels like i'm almost at square one--not quite, of course, becauseyou never go back tosquare one, but pretty close.
plus the anger! such intense anger! at everyone,everything. and such pessimism and cynicism. as things broke down more and more, it got worse. i just wanted to be left alone.but when the computer broke and i couldn't use it,ihad nothing todo instead! i'm so dependent on it.
and although i feltvery spiritually connected during the holidays, that has also slipped away.
and the self-castigation. how can i pray after being so angry? anger, after all, is a very negative character trait, and my faithteaches that a cornerstone of spirituallity is character improvement.
i understand a lot of this has to do with thedepression. i'm not really like this. which is why i finally submitted to the meds. i was brought humbly to myknees, you might say.
plus, i'm anxious about my parents. if they say one critical thing--which iknow they probably will--i just may lose it and say what i really think, instead of remaining respectful.
so, if you're still reading after all of this! you got the picture?
and even after my parents leave, then i have to face the question: what do I do with myself now? my clergyman said he had doubts about this coaching thing, but to give it a try. if he had doubts, then what am i supposed to have?
and money is getting tighter. endless repair expenses.
oh, and i forgot about the elevator. all is going well, moving slowly through the corridors of the agencies that need to approve it. but one neighbor is putting up a fight. not that she has any legal claim--she does not. but it's difficult. i don't need this elevator,but Shabtai does. a lot of stress regarding that subject. plus, i hven't told my parents about it. i'm fraid some idiot will mention it. and that will be just onemorehassle with them.
so, my husband says i should read some Psalms before their visit--as does my rabbi--and that is a wise course. except--i don't feel like it! feel so spirituall disconnected.
well, i could say more. perhaps it's enough for now.
i thik it would be better to write morehere, or at least read the messages and respond to them. iwas doing better then than i am now. i never thought i'd be back in this slump. but i am.
Tziporah
p.s. i've typed this fast, and i'm sure there are typos, misspellings, words run into each other, etc. in the text. too tired toreread and correct it. sorry in advance.
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Gosh so much going on! No wonder you're feeling stressed and you've fallen back to an old coping mechanism! Cos that's all it is you know...a coping mechanism!
Well done for coping as well as you have! Computers are wonderful when they work, but they can be a complete pain when things don't work the way they're supposed to! And learning word processing can be quite complicated, there are a surprising amount of things that can go hinky!
I can certainly understand the stress with your parents and feeling that you ought to go over there for their anniversary. That sounds like a stressful time, but it MIGHT just be enjoyable...are there people you could see while you're there? Of course, if your mother in law needs help with caring for your father in law, then that might be a reason for not going, though that sounds stressful in its own right! Alzheimer's is an illness that's hard on everyone around the sufferer as well as the patient themselves.
It sounds like you're doing really well all things considered! You've had a LOT of stressors recently, so be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up over it all!
Gentle hugs
Chris
www.rainbowinspirations.co.uk
http://rainbowinspired.livejournal.com/
Thanks both of you for writing such encouraging messages. Instead of writing to each of you individually, I'm writing both of you together. Amanda, i HOPE YOU DON'T MIND i PUT IT UNDER cHRIS'S MESSAGE--ONLY DID SO BECAUSE IT'S THE LAST ONE.
Oops. just discovered i had capslock on.sorry!
Well, down to the nitty-gritty.
I went to the psychiatrist last night. Haven't been there for a year. You all might recall I stopped taking themeds by myself round about Jan. of last year, when I was taking a lot of antibiotics during my ongoing eye surgeries. She didn't seem too worried that I did that. She said, in fact, that it was good that I had lasted as long as i did without the antidepressants--about six months, until things started to fall apart again.
considering all the major things that have happened in the interim, since last Jan., things like: my eye surgeries, Shabtai'shospitalization in April, working hard to finish coaching school, Shabtai's parents' problems, graduating from coaching school, the downturn in the world economy, the problems with the computer, learning new computer things, etc., etc., etc., she said i indeed had coped pretty well. but, now there was a setback and i had to deal with it. she gave me mg20 of paxxel and said to come back in six months. she really seemed very encouraging about it--concerned, of course, but not unduly worried. she said this kind of thing happens quite a lot--people go off the meds and do okay for awhile and then need them again. she also said i might be able to get along without them again in the future--but not now.
of course she was glad i'm still intherapy. i imagine that has made a lot of difference.
you are right, Amanda, about how my t. regards the non-feeling about my parents: better than the old anxiety. i didn't think about it in terms of the depression--feeling vs. non-feeling. i guess that could be a sign of the depression as well: no feeling at all. i don't know which is better: no feeling or feeling a strong negative emotion. both have their pros and cons, you might say.
as for the si, you are also right, Amanda, that outsiders can't really understand it. and, Chris, you are also right that it is just an old coping mechanism. not perhaps the best copingf mechanism, but still a way of dealing with it. remember the discussion awhile back on this board about whether it's legitimate to use si as a coping mechanism or not? i think that you, Chris, thought it was. correct me if i'm wrong.
i remember when i was going through IVF that one of the nurses would make comments about my nail-biting/cuticle-tibitng. i thought this was quite unfair, especially since she smoked herself. to me, what is the difference between my habit and hers? why should her habit of smoking be legitimate and socially acceptable, and mine, not be regarded likewise? after all, isn't she also injuring herself? only, that it isn't a visible self-injury like ours are. but it is still self-9injury: tarring her lungs, possible cancer, etc., and just as si has its unappealing side: the scars, etc., what about the bad odor from smokers? this is not meant to deplore those who smoke, although i personally am against it. rather, i think the comparison was unfair.
but, getting back to my original point, which got lost, (i always go off on tangents), she couldn't understand where i was coming from.
anyway, the visit so far has gone as expected, but with a few surprises along the way.
my parents have made comments about the apartment, but i pre-empted it by saying that if they were going to just walk in and start doing things, they weren't welcome. my t. said to do that. so, when my dad wanted to change a picture on the wall, he asked permision first. that made me more open to his idea and i accepted his offer.
they've also made some comments about my weight. my t. said to say somethinglike: "you will just have to accept me as ia m." i found i have been able to say these kinds of comments and it helps. i feel hurt, but less so, when i am able to react this way. other times, when they say something negative, i try tomake a joke about it.
my parents are staying at a hotel in Tel Aviv, which is about 45 minutes from where I live. often, my dad drives me home by himself. he said, the other night, that he "enjoyed my company." that was nice.
the surprises have come in the fact that my parents have aged. everything takes longer. they are in their mid-eighties. my dad is in super shape--goes to the gym every day, or almost, and my mom is not bad, either. except--she's showing the early signs of "losing it"--senility. and my husband, whose English is okay, but not totally fluent, can even pick it up. she repeats herself all the time.
plus, when they got here, the first day, my sister called with the bad news that someone had passed away from the fmaily in the States--it happened to be my dad's cousin and he had been responsible for her care, as she was alone without anyone tohelp. she had never married. it was very difficult for him having to arrange things from six thousand miles across the world. so, m y sister and i and him had these long phone calls trying to arrange everything. Jewish custom is to have the funeral quickly--not like the Christian practice of lying in state, etc. so time was a factor. and just not being there.
this major event, of course, meant that we suddenly had important things to talk about and my dad needed our help to deal with it. so, for the first few days that was the dominating topic and concern.
now, that that's all finished with, things have gone back to the typical pattern. very little to talk to them, or with them, about. and what there is, my mom repeats it over and over again.
yesterday she said that instead of coming for a twelve day visit--the current time frame that they have been using for the past few years, next year she wants to come for a full two weeks! i could have cried. it left me feeling depressed the rest of the day.
Shabtai says not to worry about it. with things as they are, he pointed out, who knows what will be by next year? this is true. still, just the thought of it--i felt despair.
just like i did the first few hoursof their visit, before the news broke about the death of this relative. after the usual topics, there was nothing to talk about. we just sat in silence. to escape, i went out on their hotel balcony, obsensibly toget some sun, but really to escape. i was so bored, bored to tears. and that's what i have coming up now--another six days with very little to do. and of course, as they said, their main reason for being here is tosee me, so it'snot like i can just not see them. and if i do, it's for a few hours each day, at the very least. writing this now, the only thing that comes to mind is that i have the opportunity to fulfill te NBiblical commandment of honoring my parents--a commandment which is considered one of the major commandments of my faith, and a very difficult one to properly do at that. perhaps i should focus on that.
anyway, i have to stop here and get dressed. they're coming in about half an hour. we're going to Jerusalem and Shabtai is coming with us. that should be fun.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Here is an update on how things are going.
The visit in Jerusalem, on Tuesday, which Shabtai, myhusband, joined my parents and me, was quite enjoyable. Last night we saw a concert, something we always do--I should say, heard a concert, as it was classical music. Very enjoyable. Both my parents and I enjoy classical music, so that when they come we always try to get something in as far as concerts go.
I was very tensed up yesterday--thought i'd have to bee with them all day. But, as it turned out, we didn't get together till mid-afternoon. Most of the day, beforehand, sat at home and tried to relax. Couldn't concentrate on much. Learned some Scriptures.
On Tuesday night, took the first increment of the paxxil--the psychiatrist said to start with mg5 and work up to mg20 over a few weeks. already, after taking the first pill, had a bad vivid dream. really crazy. in the dream, I had started a fire on a grassy lot in front of an apartment house in our neighborhood. then, after discovering what i had done, wanted to hide the evidence, but couldn't figure out how to get rid of the matches! i realized, in the dream, that even if i just threw them away, the forenzic people would come and start checking for finger prints and they would find my fingerprints on thematches and i would be incriminated, doomed. meanwhile, the fire was spreading and i had to call for help. some passers-by came along and i told them there was this fire. of course, i couldn't just leave the scene. i was trying to act innocently, as if i didn't know how it happened, although, of course, i was the one who started the fire! my husband knows i have bad dreams when i'm going off or on the meds--during the readjustment phases, and i told the dream to him. it sounded so absurd as to be insane and ridiculous. perhaps it was this craziness, the craziness of the dream itself, that took away its frightening aspect. all i could think of afterwards was that this dream shows just how consumed i am with guilt feelings about a lot of things--and this part is true. and hiding the evidence--the whole thing about honesty vs. falseness.
i feel like this whole thing with coaching is phony. like i'm talking to my parents about getting my website up and started, when, in fact, i'm not even sure that's what i want to be doing. and there's a ton of guilt feelings surrounding my parents--the guilt feelings about how i feel towards them.
my t. is not a big believer in dream analysis--i mean, he doesn't go in for dream interpretation and all of that. his approach is usually just toignore them. still, i engage in it myself. it is sometimes instructive. though, most likely, without this pill, i would probably never even have had this dream.
yesterday, Wednesday, my mom just kept repeating herself endlessly about how wonderful the concert was. i started to feel like i was losing my patients. my dad is a saint. he takes it all so calmly, so patiently.
after the concert, my dad dropped her at the hotel before taking me home. during that time alone with him, i brought up the topic about their coming for two weeks next year, as my mom had suggested. you may recall in my previous email i was depressed about that possibility--had put me in a bad mood most of Monday. i didn't want to say that i don't want a longer visit because of them, that i do not enjoy being with them. it would be insulting. instead, i just said that two weeks would be more difficult. as it is, my schedule is totally disrupted when they come. my dad got the point. his reaction, which surprised me, was identical to that of my husband: a lot can happen in a year. i actually enjoy being with my dad alone. he is very funny and easy to get along with. it is my mom who wears me down. she has always been obsessive, but now it's worse. the same thing twenty times. i just keep reminding myself it's her mental condition, not anything intentional. that helps.
i have to clarify--i do enjoy being with them--just not for two weeks, or almost two weeks, solid. and also, it is not enjoyable when, after five or six days, you're all talked out.
today we're supposed to be going to visit a family friend. i'd rather not go, but it's an obligation i have to do. the visit is one of those boring affairs--the same thing year after year, but i will get through it. then, there is the question about what to do the rest of the day. have no idea how tht will develop yet.
i guess you could say that with my t.'s help, i've been handling things better.
after all, i was able to express myself about not wanting a longer visit, after i had brooded about it. that's progress.
still, my cuticles are all bloody and red. last night one was bleeding when i went to bed. i guess you could say they, the cuticles, are baring the brunt of the tension.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Just a quick update on me.
My father passed away last Saturday after a brief hospitalization. When he was admitted to the hospital last Thursday morning he was unconscious, but a short while later he was in a coma from which he never woke up from.
He was 87 and had led a very full life which took him around the world and back here again. He was a quiet man who didn't need to say much to be respected by many. For him, action meant more than words, and a man of action he was. He despite the fact that he was busy, he always made time for us. He was a hands-on father before it became trendy or the norm.
I have to go now. There are prayers being said tonight for him and I have to prepare myself for that.
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