Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



Pages

Avatar for why1040
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 10-30-2009 - 3:37pm

Gosh Tziporah, so much going on!

First for the bits directed at me...

I've said in the past that I don't think SI is necessarily as 'evil' as it's made out to be. It's a coping mechanism, that's all. No, it's not the best one on the planet, and it's far better to learn more effective ones, but as a stop-gap when things are difficult, I don't see it as such a big deal. If it means you're NOT getting suicidal or whatever, then it's an improvement, after all :o)

I'm not saying that it's all fabulous and we should go ahead without even trying to stop, that's not what I'm saying at all. But I don't think it's the worst thing in the world, either. We've survived in the past, we'll survive again.

For me, it was removing that civil war going on inside my head that meant I stopped. I no longer beat myself up over using SI, so the stress that caused me to need it in the first place reduced...it seems illogical, but it worked really well for me...lol I accepted that I needed to SI at the moment in order to cope, and within a couple of weeks I stopped!

Mind you, getting on top of the depression and the painful memories have helped a lot too, but I actually stopped SI first!

Well done for not needing the pills for 6 months! That's fabulous, and you'll get back to where you need to be to come off them again in the future...again, the meds are just a current coping mechanism, nothing wrong with that :)

Sounds like you've got lots going on, and you're dealing with it much better than you would have a while ago. So be proud, allow yourself to recognise that you're moving forward, and doing much better. Let yourself off the hook for the rest of it, knowing that you're doing the best you can with what is a difficult set of circumstances.

I know what it's like to have a difficult situation with your parents...I've had a complex one with my mother for a long time! But it is actually moving forward at the moment...shockingly! I do understand the stress it causes though, completely!

Be gentle with yourself! Hugs!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 11-01-2009 - 1:16am
Hi Chris,
i typed a message, but i think i erased it inadvertently.
thanks for your words--they are like a soothing balm, especially because i am feeling quite sore right now--emotionally sore.
this visit is turning out to be so weird. if it started out badly, with this relative dying in the U.Sl, the end hasn't been any better. we were all at my husband's sisters last night, sitting around, when we heard that this sister's daughter had just miscarried late in her pregnancy. of course, it put a damper on everyone's spirits. the hostess left to go to the hospital to assist her daughter and everyone sat around trying to make light chat.
someone ordered in pizzas and we were managing okay. my parents had come and of course we told them what happened. after we finished eating, my husband turned tome and asked me to take his paper plate and cup. i got up and was taking them, when my mother intervened. i know she was only trying to help, but something snapped inside. can't i ever be permitted to do something without being treated like a child? i know where it came from. they couldn't understand how, as a blind person, i could maneuver such a balancing act. to me, it was quite simple--just put his paper plate under mine. something snapped and i blew up. so, now i feel guilty about losing it--always ihave to blow it at the end of their visit.
i talked aobut it with a friend today. she said fights like these are normal and not to get unduly worked up about it.
i guess she's right, but still-the recriminations.
and just tired of being treated like a child. as a blind person, this happens a lot. waitresses in restaurants, my parents, and others, will say, "be carefull, it's hot." do they do that for sighted people?
talk to you later.
ps. i'm not suicidal, so thankfully, that part of your message does not apply.
but the rest of it does!
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for why1040
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 11-01-2009 - 7:55pm

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's niece (I think that's right) losing her baby, that's hard on everyone involved!

It seems to me that it's a perfectly reasonable response, snapping at your mother if she's treating you like a child, or making you feel awkward. It's certainly something I do a LOT, though I'm trying to reduce the automatic responses a bit as it's not really doing either of us any good!

I can't imagine what it must be like being treated like that in restaurants etc, it must be extremely frustrating! And surely your mother must appreciate that she's not helping, and that your husband if anyone should know what you are and are not capable of?!?

I recently managed to have a sensible discussion with my mother about some of the things she says, and we cleared up a huge misunderstanding that's been bugging me for years. Have you tried sitting down when things are calm and explaining to her how it makes you feel when she does that? I'd imagine you probably have, but if you haven't, you might be surprised...I sure was! When my mother explained what she's actually been MEANING all these years, it changed how I reacted completely! All these years, she's been saying "I don't think you're capable of doing this", when what she actually MEANT to be saying was "I'm worried you'll overwork yourself doing this". That's HUGE!! Mind you, there's a little part of me that's now upset with her for being so daft and not wording it better! But that's still better than being angry because she seems to think I'm incapable!

In any case, regardless of what is going on, I will repeat again...don't beat yourself up for reacting the way you do...you're doing your best, you're doing a whole lot better than you used to, and you are an amazing, talented, fabulous human being. Things get stressful sometimes, sure, but that doesn't change that you're moving forwards! You just have to read back to the posts at the beginning of this thread to see just HOW far you've come! So be gentle with yourself, and don't let that inner civil war take over!

BTW, I didn't mean to imply that you're suicidal, I was simply using it as an example. SI isn't the end of the world. It's a coping mechanism-and not the best one in the world. But it's not the total disaster some professionals make it out to be either. Learning others is important, but sometimes things are just so stressful we need that safety valve...well, that's my opinion anyway. And for me, that acceptance and the other work I've done have meant ONE incidence in almost 3 years now...

Be good to yourself!

Gentle hugs,

Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 11-01-2009 - 10:48pm
Hello, Chris,
Your always so warm,understanding and wise. Thanks.
I thought a lot about the topic you raised in your latest messageyesterday, although it's only now that I've had the chance to read your message.
My parents are leaving late Monday night local time, which means I still have another full day with them--at least a good 7-8 hours, since they are coming in the early afternoon andtheir flight isn't leaving till after midnight. Yesterday I met them for lunch and then we went to a park and then to the hotel. There was very little to talk about. Mostly, we just sat in silence. My t. and I talked about this in our last session. He said that's okay. After all, this is not the normal sitution--in real life prents and adult children have the kind of relationship my husband has with his parents--you call up to check things out for about 5 minutes a day, maybe go over to visit once a week, sometimes just to pop in, sometimes for a meal, and, because we all live near each other--my husband, his sisters, and his parents--perhaps bump into them on the street. it's very different than these long intervals of not seeing them, and then two weeks of intensity and long hours spent together. not natural, not normal.
anyway, he said i should recognize that fact. plus, that sometimes silence is more pregnant than idle verbal chat. anyone who has been in therapy, as you have, surely knows this to be so.
saying these things tome, has been helping me to cope with these long intervals of silence.
but it's more than that. it's like there is this barrier--my dad said early in the visit that he would rather think about the present than dwell on the past. this was a reaction to the death of his cousin which occurred when he had just gotten there. i think that this is his mindset. i could ask him alot of questions, but somehow i'm not able to. this bothers me. but maybe it's just too difficult. the blindness, as you can imagine, is still an etremely sensitive topic, almost taboo, something my therapists have always told me. and don't think it's just my parents--on this subject, the blindness, his parents--my husband's parents, act similarly.
i keep having this sneaky suspicion that i am somehow wasting valuable time and that i'll live to regret it, that later on, i will wish i had talked with them more, asked them more questions, shared with them more. the only thing that helps is some verses from Khalil Gibran, something about how you can't go into the houses of tomorrow--the parent can't go into the world of their children.
it's actually easier and less oppressive when it's just my dad and i, without my mom. her fading memory seems to overshadow everything. we were by ourselves last night, my dad taking mehome from the hotel, and although we didn't talk that much, the silence wasn't so oppressive. he asked me some questions about my finances, but i really don't want to go into that with him, so i gave a brief answer--that i'm talking to the appropriate people about it, and that was that. however, he said something that was significant. he said he noticed that since their arrival, my mom's memory loss has gotten worse. she asks the same questions over and overmore often. he said he's really concerned. just that she refuses to cooperate and go the doctor. i told him it wasn't a question of whether she wanted to or not--he had to be firm, just present it as a fait de complet--a non-option. that was the whole conversation, that's all. but thinking about it now, maybe these silent intervals throughout the visit were necessary--giving my dad a chance to really come to grips with a lot of things about the way things are now: my mother's decline and how he's going to handle it. perhaps also about his own mortality. right after we had tomake the funeral arrangements for his cousin long distance, he told me about how he had to take care of some things regarding the family plot. he said that whole episode had been a "wake-up call". this whole visit has brought up these issues: death, old age, with the death of his cousin, the stillborn baby, the change in Shabtai's parents. he also said that he noticed he's become "lazier", sleeping more, but this may be due to the different eating patterns and schedule that they have when they're here. i'm certainly tired of not having structure.
so, today is the last day and what to do with it? i'm not sure i even have the courage to open up sensitive topics. and even if i did, is it fair to do so just as they are leaving? i doubt it.
Shabtai said, in our case, perhaps the long-distance relationship is better than the close-quarters relationship.
just as my dad has his private world, as well as my mom having hers, i also have mine. however, these difficult incidents allowed for sharing in a real way, a more real way, than other visits. less superficial partying. nobody was in the mood or had the time for it. Shabtai's family are running around trying to get 24-hour-care and have no time for entertaining. his sister is now tied up with this stillbirth. ps.--it hasn't even taken yet. the hospital said they have to induce lbor and it may take severl days until the baby is delivered--until the body expells the baby. after all, there is no growth to stimulate contractions. a horrible mess.
still, in all the midst of this goings-on, Shabtai's aunt and uncle, who live in Cyprus, showed up for a visit and provided some diversion. my parents happen to know them and so they all got together.
looking back, this has really been a weird visit, a different kind of visit than i anticipated. as my t. said, most, if not all, of the anxieties i had anticipated have not come to fruition, and when there have been comments not to my liking, i have been able tohandle them mostly okay. the only time i didn't was this incident i told you about at the family party. i decided not to apologize about it. maybe that was wrong. but my friend, who i talked to about it yesterday, suggested that this is normal family dynamic. nnot to make a big deal out of it.
well, today Shabtai is going out to lunch with us.as it is, i can't eat too much because on Wednesday i have the colonoscopy and I'm already starting to follow the prepatory diet. as you know, from being a nurse, there is very little i can really eat! i don't really want to disclose this whole business to my folks. why worry them? but if i can'tget around it, i'll tell them about it.
so, after all this, what about mycuticles? laugh. a bloody mess. pretty close to the way my hands were when i first came on board. thankfully, my parents haven't said anything about that. nor have they brought up my coming to the U.S., a very sensitive topic. it will be a miracle if i get through the visit without them mentioning it. if they do not mention it at all, i will attribute it to my rabbi, who is probably saying prayers on my behalf--i don't mean that humorously. i'm very serious about that.
one very good thing, definitely worth mentioning, is that myparents have heard me give some teleseminar phone calls and they have been impressed. that is probably the highlight of the visit.
thanks again for your encourgement. i need it. you're always here when i needyou most.
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for why1040
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 7:24am

Ahhh Tziporah, you're so easy to encourage! I see a lot of me in you, and that perhaps makes it easier to say what I do...lol

Your T is right, this is not a "normal" family dynamic if you look at things traditionally. However, it's becoming more common, and what excellent research you're doing for helping clients who have issues like this with their own family living across the globe! I actually like having my parents in the next village for that very reason...I can pop across for dinner, and then GO HOME!

I'm glad you're seeing the positives in the silences. Silences can be very useful, as you've identified, and I think you're right to say that your father has needed some time to get his head round things. A lot has happened in this space of time!

I understand your difficulty with discussing things with your parents, believe me! I've got another thought for those uncomfortable silences and not finding anything to talk about, though. We're doing this with my nan, who is not at all well (mentally or physically) at the grand old age of 93 (well, 93 on Thursday). When we start running out of things to talk about, I ask her about her childhood, what it was like growing up for her. It's such a different time to ours, that it can be a real insight into where she's coming from sometimes, hearing her tell stories of herself and her family when she was a child. It also fills those empty hours. She's more than happy to reminisce, especially as her short-term memory isn't so good anymore. I'm actually sorry I didn't do this more with my other grandparents before they passed away, because I'm learning a LOT about her, and about life then. Things change so quickly now, with computers and air travel and stuff, that even kids born 10 years later than I was have a hard time comprehending what it was like when I was a kid, so imagine the difference of 30, 40 or 60 years?!

This comes from one of the things we did in Broadband Consciousness. We are given the space during the course to tell our 'Story'. All our significant memories and things that happened to us from the first memory to present day. It takes a couple of hours per person, generally. It's something we so rarely do-even to loved ones! It's a real release, and it feels SO good afterwards! And when doing it as a group, one of the things you learn is just how much we all feel exactly the same things. We're ALL lonely, scared and worried! The story might be different, but there are only so many feelings out there, and everyone is experiencing them!

I know your dad said he doesn't want to dwell on the past, and that's admirable, but perhaps if you turn it so that he realises that you're doing it *for* your mom as she's not so good in the present, he would agree-or perhaps even as a sort of passing along of the heritage of their experiences? I appreciate you'll probably get this too late for this particular visit, but it may be something that might help future visits :o)

Remember that you're doing fabulously. Okay, so your cuticles are suffering a bit at the moment. You'll get back to where you were before, I have no doubt about it. Because you've done it before, so you know you *can* do it. And even now, there are moments when you're not doing it, and then there are some moments when you are. So of course you can stop, because you're "stopping" for most of the day already. But until you're ready to stop for a longer period again, don't beat yourself up over it. They're only cuticles, they'll grow back.

Gentle hugs,

Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 11-02-2009 - 11:37pm
Hi Chris,
As always, you're right on. and i guess because we are similar, as you yourself said, saying that you see a lot of yourself in me, it's easy forus to "talk" to each other.
the last day of the visit was pretty good. it was very stormy here, so they didn't get here until afternoon. they decided to pack and check out of the hotel first, because my house is nearer to the airport. Shabtai didn't want to go into Tel Aviv for junch because it was rainy, so we ended up eating at home. not that i can eat very much right now because i'm preparing for thAT EXAM ON wEDNESDAY. AND I ENDED UP TELLING MY DAD IT DIDN'T much matter where i ate lunch anyway. i wasn't originally going to tell my parents at all, but i did tell my dad, although not my mom.
anyway, eventually they came and we were just sitting around--pretty heavy silence. then, one of my sisters called from the U.S. Nov. 2 is my mom's birthday. for some reason, i kept thinking it was on Tuesday, when it really was on Monday. after that, we decided to go over to one of Shabtai's sisters to see her kids--they're triplets. my parents hadn't seen them for a few years, since they were babies. they're now almost five and in kindergarten. however, when we tried clling, nobody answered. eventually, we got through and went over to them.
that sort of broke the ice. after sitting with them for about an hour we came back upstairs and had a good chat for about an hour. they made some suggestions about the appartment and we talked about different things that had happened on previous visits. i don't know how we got on the subject, but we ended up talking about birthdays. oh, yes, that was it. my mother was talking about how she was born in the afternoon, that her mother had gone out to shop for a coat, came home and gave birth! that quick! i asked when i was born--i always thought it was in the middle of the night. according to them, it was late afternoon--something i had never known.
so, i guess the end to the visit was pretty good.
then, as they were about to leave, my mother couldn't find her purse and that made everybody all tense. finally, my dad found it in the kitchen. we had actually gone in there for a moment and she had left it there. afterwards, Shabtai said, "you see, your mother also loses things, just like you do."
actually, before they left, i gently told my mother she had to get her memory checked because she repeats things a lot. she said she wasn't conscious that she repeats herself. i said, "i know that. that's why i'm telling you." then, i said, she could prove it to herself by recording herself for several hours. my dad laughed, but i actually think it is a good idea.
actually, you are right. there are ice breakers, and it is too bad i didn't think of it earlier. one yer, we tried to analyze our personalities by using a book on human dynamics. human dynamics is an all-inclusive personality system. Chris, i think you'd find it interesting--that's an aside.
anyway, after that, i told my dad to take care of himself and i did tell them i loved them. my dad said, "i love you, sweetheart." he also said, "see you next year. hopefully, things will be okay." that really got me, because, obviously, with things the way they are right now, who knows what will be next year--my mom and everything.
afterwards, i told my husband that this was the strangest visit. everything was just so peculliar, not like any previous visit, all the things that were/are going on. my sister-in-law's daughter still hasn't given birth. they said it could take a couple of days.
actually, my mother-in-law had a similar situation. she had a baby who died in the fifth month of pregnancy. in those days, the early 1960s, they just waited. they didn't induce labor deliberately. so, after a few months, she suddenly felt the baby emerging and ran to the hospital with the fetal sack! i can't even imagine what it would be like to carry around a dead fetus inside oneself for several months and then expell it. how does the body know to expell it if it's dead? Chris, maybe as a nurse you could explain this to me.
if not, i could always ask about it on another ivillage msb. laugh.
well, that was last night, and i had to acknowledge there were a lot of miracles in this visit--not even one question about going to the U.S. for a visit! something i was very afraid of.
now, i'm trying to deal with other things. i wanted to puton a CD-rom disc to hear a recording and i couldn't do it. it is a recording of the Scriptures in Hebrew and I wanted to read the Psalms together with the person reading it. it is a very good recording. i felt this need--a spiritual need--to acknowledge G-d for how well the visit went. and i wanted to pray for the upcoming medical exam. so, getting up about an hour ago, i was in a pretty good mood. only--i couldn't get it to work and gradully my mood turned to anger and then just soured. my husband gets the cd-player to work instantly, but i always seem to have a hit-and-miss relationship with the cd-player. so then i decided to try it on the computer using windows media player. and although i've been able to do it in the past, this time, when i tried, it just said, "no disk in the driver." from there, it was a stone's-throw away to this thought: "everyone else can do these things. why can't i?" and, "how am i going to get my website running if i can't even run a stupid cd-rom player?"
to be honest, i am very daunted by all the technical stuff needed to run a computer site, which seems to be necessary nowadays. all the coaching promos talk about using video, newsletter, email lists, etc., etc., etc., and i can't even get started.
right away, i knew this was thedepression kicking in. the next thought was: "everything is so difficult." a lot of times i'll start out doing a project in a good mood, and then i run into a snag that i can't fix and it just sours everything. simplelittle things. like: i'll want to light the Sabbath candles. sometimes it goes without a hitch. other times, the match won't take and after several times i just get frustrated and all the joy goes out of it.
so, after trying to run this cd-rom for about an hour, i jut said, "forget it!" and came in and started writing this email.
it's only 6:30am in the morning nd i'm already sore emotionally.
to be honest, i really have a real doubt about how i'm going to make thisthing work if i can't even handle the technical stuff. almost every day i have to call the computer tech guy for something. yesterday it was to fix email express. the day before it was the printer, which wasn't working because the cable had come out. the day before that, it was----
part of me wishes it was simple,or simpler, like in the pre-computer days. it just seems to get more and more complicated.
Chris, you are right about the past. a lot of kids, teens, can't even imagine living in the pre-fax pre-cell pre-computer era. they are surprised to hear that we managedquite well. sometimes, i even think we were much happier. we have become slaves to all of this technology.
you were right--i wish you had written these comments earlier in the visit. they left last night. still, next time i have to see them, remind me of it.
you're also right. they're only cuticles, nothing more. still,it's because they are my primary significant way of expressing my emotional pain. and, likemany others, i foolishly thought that once i got over it, i'd never slip back into it again.
i'm taking it easy,especially because i have this colonoscopy tomorrow and i have to start only liquid intake in the afternoon, followed by the pre-exam procedure in the eening, which induces the runs--not pleasant. but i'll get through it. i keep telling myself it's necessary.
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for why1040
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 11-03-2009 - 4:41am

You know, you are a star! Remember that!

Okay...I'm going to focus on that technology thing for a moment.

Keep in mind that lots and lots of people struggle with computers and technology! My own coach Liz just about uses email and basic word processing. She struggles with anything more complicated, and if her computer does anything it's not meant to, or doesn't do something it is meant to, she is flummoxed. I have a lot of experience in working with them, so they're less scary to me. I know which buttons to push and where I can check some of the issues that crop up. I had computers at school in the mid-80's in the States! And I did a *lot* when I was working corporately. I like technology, I like all the things that make our lives easier and I find it exciting. Now having said that, there are few things as frustrating as when technology suddenly doesn't work!

Keep in mind also that unfortunately 90% of the technology out there is designed for people who have full sight. They are simply not well set up for someone who can't see everything the same way as the person who designed it! If something isn't *quite* right, you haven't got the same possibility to fix it as someone else. Therefore you're doing a much bigger job every single time you use something than when for example Shabtai uses it. So don't beat yourself up for sometimes not managing to make it work, recognise that you're doing a fabulous job when you *do* get it to work! And yes, technology can be a really good marketing tool, but there are people out there who are really uncomfortable with it, so maybe focus on ways of finding them? Maybe that could be *your* selling point? Simple, easy to understand so that people aren't overwhelmed?

Okay, I'm going to leave technology now!

Well done you for speaking to your mother about her memory! That can't have been an easy thing to do, but it sounds like she took it fairly well. Hopefully she can go and get it checked out when she gets home.

The body is a funny old thing. It is designed to recognise when things need expelling, because otherwise it would be dangerous and potentially fatal. A foetus that has miscarried gives the body the wrong signals, and it eventually realises something is wrong and expels it. A healthy foetus has a sort of biofeedback loop telling the body that things are normal. It's all hormones and chemicals inside the body. They give medications now to start the expelling process because the longer it remains inside the greater the risk of complications, and nature sometimes takes a long time.

I understand that the cuticles are a sign of your internal turmoil, I really do. What I'm trying to do is show you that you don't need additional turmoil because you're doing it, does that make sense? And you will get to where you're more able to turn away from that again!

Gentle hugs!

Chris

www.rainbowinspirations.co.uk

http://rainbowinspired.livejournal.com/

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 3:16am
Hi Chris,
Thanks for sticking with me and answering every message.
You're right about technology. It has mostly been designed with only sighted people in mind. That is why blind consumers have started to tackle this issue within their organizations--blindness organizations. They prefer to work with software designers and the like, but often these companies don't respond. When that happens, they may end up in court.
The thing extends far beyond computers. It involves digital appliances. The saying is: "I want my old oven back." when it was easy to run them--turn a dial, press a button you could feel, not one of these displays that have no way of differentiating anything! Ditto for the washer, dryer, cd-rom, fridge, etc., etc., etc.
It involves hybrid cars, which are loved because they are quiet. But it is this noiselessness which is precisely the problem--blind people cannot hear them, and thus pose a real threat when blind pedestrians walk. We need those audio cues in order to travel independently.
The technology problem with computers goes beyond web access. It has to do with everything--windows, upgrades, trying to fix the technical things ourselves.
This particular time it was the modem that was at fault, so there was no way I could have done it myself.
Thanks for your explanation regarding my sister-in-law's daughter. Finally, Tuesday morning, the fetus was delivered and she had a chance to hold it before they took it away. A horrible thing to have to go through.
In my mother-in-law's case, in her last pregnancy the fetus died in the fifth month and she carried it till the ninth, when it suddenly expelled itself. What I couldn't understand is how something that is dead could induce contractions. Your explanation made everything clear--that it is the interaction between the fetus and the body/brain that is involved. The body is a miraculous thing indeed.
This whole question of the body xpelling something foreign to it is at the root of transplantation and immunization. as you know, Shabtai has undergone two kidney transplants.
By the way, Shabtai is also blind. The reason he doesn't run into computer hassles like I do, is because he doesn't use the internet at all--just cd-rom.
I guess you're right--not use web design, do more live coaching.
Only thing is: I don't feel confident standing up before a lot of people, running a workshop, etc. I'm not sure I have the Israeli flare--able to use their slang. I give classes on Bible themes on the Sabbath and I always sit down. I don't think I've stood up in front of a group-literally stand up--since the days in high school when we had to give a book report in front of the entire class. I just don't feel comfortable doing it.
I know what you'll say--go to tostmaster's or something like that. Except--because of my religious practice, it is considered to speak up in front of a mixed crowd. Now, Iknow you'll probably say, form a toastmaster's group for women! a good idea!
I t goes deeper than this. I've just not been able to get the passion back for it, for the coaching, and I feel overwhelmed by all the side things that have to be figured out--the business side, setting up an account, handling the finances, the web, all the technical stuff. I must have been dreaming when I plunged into this.
I feel like maybe it was a slightly bipolar tendency. I'll explain this one. There were a couple of schemes I paid for--costing a few thousand dollars--a service to help you set up email lists and newsletters, another course for group coaching, set up with a web designer. i did all that when i was enthusiastic, in the midst of coaching school. now, i'm past that and everything's faded.my t. says just to start, start anywhere. how can you be a coach without passion? they say that's a cornerstone of it.
since my parents have left i have been resting a lot and preparing the colonoscopy--a lot of bathroom trips. laugh.
Chris, writing to you and getting your feedback over the past few days has been very supportive.
Thanks.
Tziporah

web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for why1040
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 9:00am

My dear, you are a pleasure to chat to!

You are very self aware, you just need a boost sometimes to see the bigger picture. That's fine, we all do it, especially when things are a bit manic around us!

OF COURSE you've lost your passion at the moment! Jeepers woman, what do you expect?? You're exhausted with parents' visits, Shabtai's parents' issues, your own health problems, the problems Shabtai has had with having to go into hospital, plus the fact that you're still battling a depression! ANYONE going through the stuff you've had to deal with this year would be perfectly excused for having lost a bit of oomph!

Shabtai has learned to deal with one thing at a time...perhaps that could be something for you as well? Okay, so he's sorted out the CD-rom side, that's great! So you can ask him for help if you need it for that for the time being. So perhaps you can focus on really getting comfortable with ONE other thing, something that he can't help you with? Perhaps if you really focus on one thing, rather than trying to do what he does as WELL as what you're doing, you'll be more successful? I know I often get all excited and try to learn everything all at once, and that doesn't work...go back to basics, and learn something really well? :o)

I do know that technology-and indeed much in life in general, is very sight-oriented. The new hybrid cars are a fantastic step forward, but they're a menace because they're so quiet-they scare horses too, and even sighted pedestrians struggle with them. I think they should be made with a bit of a sound, so people hear them coming-even a tick tick or something. It doesn't need to be super intrusive, but just something!

Okay, on to the live coaching. There is absolutely NOTHING that says that you have to stand up in front of people to talk to them. What if you couldn't stand up-they'd be more than happy then, right? So just say that you're going to sit down and talk to them, find somewhere comfortable-what about sitting on like a bar stool or the edge of a table? After all, it's an unknown environment, so you don't exactly want to be walking round anyway! Just say at the start "Because of where I'm at right now in my own development, I'm only learning to do this, and it's more comfortable for me to sit down". They'll respect you for being open and honest, every one of them will recognise some of that fear of standing up in front of people, and you'll have a connection!

Richard teaches us to be ourselves at all times...it's the one thing we really can't get wrong! He is still, after years of doing talks to 1000's of people, afraid of public speaking! So he says so! Because that vulnerability is CONNECTION with people! And that, after all, is what you want if you're coaching them! And yes, Toastmasters can be a really good experience, and I'm sure that considering the religious limitations there would be a niche for a women only Toastmaster's...there might even already be one, have you spoken to them?

What about doing specific talks for the international community, people like yourself who have come to Israel later in life? Or for those who *work* with the international community, or the rest of the world?

I know exactly what you mean about getting really excited and enthusiastic about something, and then running out of oomph. I think everyone does that! You're run down at the moment! What about setting yourself a period of time to just rest up-you have the hospital tests, and you need to get over the stress of the last couple of months. Maybe set yourself a goal to start doing something in January? That way, you have some time to rest up and sort out all the current stressors, and can start off on a new leaf later on?

Right, must head off, I'm training the baby horse today!

Contact me any time, always happy to help

Gentle hugs,

Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 11-04-2009 - 11:01pm
Hi Chris,
This is the first day I've gotten up feeling good, not falling into a depressive funk within the first thirty minutes.
Perhaps it's due to the fact that I've increased my anitidepressant meds as instructed by the doc. first week was 1/4 of a ill, now--after the first week--i increased to 1/2. next week i'll start the full dose--mg20. it's hard to imagine how immediate these pills are, especially when they say it takes a few weeks to kick in. for me, within the first night or two of taking them, the 1/4 dose, i already had had a vivid dream! thank G-d, after a night or two of that, they've receded. Pherhaps the better mood is partly due to that.
Yesterday was a good day. I did ask my husband to instruct me, for the umpteenth time, how to work the CD player. When the computer tech guy came up, he discovered the email wasn't working, (outlook express and internet explorer), all of it knocked out. why? because the modem wasn't working! this is one problem i would have had difficulty fixing myself.
i went through the colonoscopy all right. after all the scary stories about it, i was "pleasantly surprised"--if one could say that about such a procedure!
i told the attending physician i was a bit afraid, amd she was very nice about it, saying that that was typical--everyone was. after the initial shot with the sedative, which was about as painful as a prick for a blood test, i quickly felt the effects. in fact, i have no idea when they inserted the tube in or took it out. so--that must mean i really felt nothing. plus, all the horrible pre-procedure effects were very mild. i didn't vomit before or after, and the diarrhea, which was supposed to last for several hours, did last that long--but i thought it was going to be much more messy than it really was. best part of the whole thing--i got the results of the exam immediately. all clear.
so, on Sunday, i am supposed to go back to the surgeion that recommended this test and we'll discuss what to do about the cyst.
afterwards, i rested, as i was tired, but today i'm feeling okay.
i haven't written at length about my experiences regarding the colonoscopy, because many people are afraid to go through it. they, like me, have heardhorror stories about it. i know some ppeople have a harder time with it. as for me, it was really okay and i felt very little discomfort.
like many other procedures, this one can be life-saving and should not be neglected.
i decided to watch another movie online. after awhile, i got the thing running, but because i had to leave for the hospital, i couldn't watch the whole thing. my maid had recommended this one: The Notebook, the adaptation of the book by the same name by Nicholas Sparks. The reason: because it centers around a senile woman in a nursing home. Well, I thought it was okay, not great, the part I saw. But it was nice to have a relaxing day like that.
This morning, I woke up again with yet another idea about writing. I have these ideas from time to time, especially when i'm between things. this time, i really feel like pursuing it. i liked your idea, Chris, about handling only what I can. lucky Liz, (your coach), who only deals with emails and word processing! for me, emails have been easy. word-processing, beyond the basics, a bit harder. remember a month ago and the difficulties i was having with it?
here's the thing, as the saying goes. my t., and one of my coaches, says this is my typical pattern. i get to a point and then switch to something new. plus, whatever new idea i have, i feel really enthusiastic about it at the start. then, within a month, yer, or more, especially after the first enthusiasm wears off, the doubts and depression set in. how did i think i could do this? who was i kidding? how did i get myself into this mess? and, ofcourse, this time it will be different. but it never is.
so, i know that although this writing idea feels just right right now, am i even have the idea i'd like to explore, how can i knowthis is really what i should be doing? i just know it--if i tell my t. bout it, he'll discourage me.
i'm tired of being discouraged. like the comment my rabbi said, that he always had doubts about the coaching thing. even when i was really into it, i still could her that remark in my mind. it put a damper o everything.
just like when my mother had all those qualms about my becomingpregnant through IVF. no matter how hard i tried, those fears of hers about how i would manage as a blind person, and about what kind of baby i'd have: okay or malformed, or whether it would be one or several births, never left me entirely.
(break)
i just called my rabbi. he's in the U.S. and it's evening there--early morning here. He said i should try the writing idea and that i should tell my t. about it.
the rabbi said to try it for a month or two and see where it goes.
i think i'll do that.
i'm actually feeling a little more joyful, something to anticipate.
what i forgot to tell the Rav was: how do I handle my parents? i guess i could say i'm working on ideas not connected to the web.
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com

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