Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 1:47am
i didn't know that there is such a thing as the tasbih in Islam. what is it? i looked it up in the Oxford dictionary and i was surprised to find it isn't listed, especially since that dictionary is so comprehensive.
actually, the abacus used by blind people is slightly different from the traditional Japanese one. the regular one has the problem of that if it's touched too much, the beads, or whatver they're called, slide around. in this adaptive version, known as the Cranmer abacus, developed by a blind person, there is a phone rubber padding underneath the frame and the calculations are manipulated by moving round balls that look like beads. that's why i thought of the bead image. a lot of blind people are taught the abacus in an effort to make mathematical calculating easier and i took a course in it and know how to use it.
the thing is--worry beads are a lot more portable, although the blind person's abacus is actually quite small and can fit in a pocket as well. still, gloves work better for me. i use the kind of plastic gloves sold in pharmacies, similar to the kind one might put on when havintg to do a medical procedure. sometimes, i put cream on my hands before wearing them. as long as my fingers are exposed, i am tempted to keep touching them. even if i put a bandaid on one finger, the others are there to tempt me. gloves solve that problem. they are also cheap enough so that i can replace them when i run out of them.
i was sixteen in 1971, and i had just finished my tenth grade year. for the summer, i came to israel with a Jewish youth group and we spent six weeks touring the country. it was a great time to be here. the country was safe, people were much more idealistic than now. just a lot of fun. so, it wasn''t a typo.
how am i managing since my therapist has been on break? good question. if he were here, i would have had a session today. i feel slightly tense, but i'm trying to keep busy. i'm making some moves in my coaching project. i'm taking a teleclass on the upcoming Monday night. i am also checking out other resources in this area. i also signed up for the present ivillage course on time management. i figured it will help with me personally and in any coaching i do. i want to specialize in life coaching.
as far as exercise goes...well...you know what i mean? sort of got lost in the sauce. however-----i had to fill out a coaching quiz yesterday, (didn't have to, but decided to), and i put down three goals, one of which was getting back in shape. so, there's hope.
actually, my biggest achievement of the week was in something else altogether. i scheduled an appointment with someone last night and she failed to show up. instead of taking it as a personal rejection, something i would have felt in the past, i just decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and busy myself with something else and not get depressed about it. for me, that was a big step forward. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 11:26pm
i made it past the first day without therapy. i was supposed to have a session yesterday, but he's on break. i'm trying to manage without the therapy--i really have no choice. he's not due back till next Thursday, another week to go without it. as the days progress, it usually gets harder to manage without the therapy. although he hasn't said so explicitly, i feel like my therapist is trying to get me to manage without him, make me stronger in this way. a good method, but hard.
i am still biting my cuticles, but it's different than before. not the massive biting i did before. instead, little cuts on each finger. they almost look healed, but not quite, because of the little cuts. right now, i'm a little anxious. ihave three weddings ihave to go to next week--obligatory--and i'm not looking forward to it. i hate larege, noisy weddings, which all of these will be, and at some of them i really don't know whom to tal to and i end up sitting alone, bored. i asked myhusband if he could represent me and let me pass up this stuff, and he said i had to go--which is true. if i had therapy, i'd talk about it. but i don't. i hope this anxiety won't lead to a relapse in picking at my cuticles. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for why1040
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 10:27am

Hi Tziporah, and first of all, well done on dealing with your first day without seeing your therapist!

Gosh, I know how hard it can be when I had to go longer than normal between seeing my T! It used to feel like forever! With Liz, it's been slightly easier, because I've always had the option to email her, especially when things are tough. She may not always be able to respond, though she has done a couple of times when things were really bad, but at least I felt a bit of a connection, like I was "talking" to her and she knew what had been going on for when we did meet.

I was thinking about that, and wondering whether you could perhaps do the same? I don't know if you keep a diary or similar, but what about writing your therapist a letter, or even recording your thoughts on a tape recorder for him? That way, you can get the "talking" out in the open! I always imagined that she was reading what I was saying pretty much immediately as I typed it, so it felt just like she was there!

Way to go on reducing the chewing! That's an awesome step, and I bet it feels good, even if you're not quite to where you can stop completely yet! Lots of people with addictions give them up slowly-take smokers for example, so why not with this one?? That's an absolutely AWESOME step though, and just shows how well you're doing!

I used to hate crowds too, though I now find them a lot easier to deal with (they're not enjoyable yet, but maybe that can come too eventually). I've found that as I've reduced my overall level of anxiety (I used to be anxious ALL the time, about everything), things that used to be almost impossible to deal with have become much more manageable. Liz explained it really well to me, and I'm going to borrow her explanation. Imagine we all have a bucket, and that bucket is our ability to cope with anxiety/problems. Some of us are walking around with our bucket nearly full ALL the time, so the slightest thing means that it overflows and then we feel like we can't cope. If we can get some of that constant anxiety to give way, then we have a greater buffer zone for things that are slightly stressful!

I've used LOADS of different techniques to help me reduce that background stress, including meditation, confidence building and exercise! The most important one I've found was learning to meditate-and I mean REALLY meditate, every day. It gives my body and mind a sense of relaxation for a while, and I've been using something called a HeartMath to measure how relaxed and "congruent" I've become. That enabled me to practice the "right" relaxation. Giving my mind and body the signals that it was ok to relax for a period of time to start with, has enabled me to learn to relax more all over. I did a course a few weeks ago where there were over 400 people, and I ENJOYED being there! I sat up the front, and I participated in everything! A year ago, I'd have been among the ones sitting at the back, keeping quiet and just learning from listening!

The weddings do sound like they're going to be hard work...and I do just the same, sitting in a corner because I feel shy about talking to people. Just recently, I've started setting myself little goals for such situations, such as "I'll talk to 1 stranger today, and 2 people I know". Then when I end up in a corner later, it's almost a reward to myself-it's ok to sit here now, because I did well before. No idea whether that might work for you, but it's making a small difference to the way I look at my own socialising!

Keep up the good work hun, you're doing GREAT!

Gentle hugs,

Chris

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 3:49am
your gentle words really have helped, both what you wrote to me and whatyou wrote to saramom. over the last two days, since i wrote, i've rested a lot and done some relaxation exercises. when i started doing the relaxation, i could feel some tension in my face and hands and concentrated on letting it go. that's helped in managing the anxiety and also reducing the nail-biting. my fingers are continuing to heal nicely. i still wish i had therapy tomorrow--although i don't. on Saturday, i could feelthe depressive and self-doubting thoughts setting in again. i tried to remember what he said, that i have to challenge these thoughts. i still have a hard time doing that. i just told myself this is how i always thik and acknowledging that this is my normal pattern helped. since i've started writing on the boards, my diary writing has decreased. but maybe this is because what i write here would be in my diary if i was still writing in it. the group support has become significant to me. my therapist isn't the kind who would be open to emails. i never asked him, but i know he doesn't like in-between sessions contact unless it's an emergency. he's the type who'd say, "we'll talk about it in session." i can't visualize diary writing as talking to my therapist either. however, a few years ago, i did feel that my diary writing was part of the therapeutic process in between sessions, so i understand what you mean. thanks for your encouragement and wisdom. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 2:09am
now that the weddings are over, i can write about them. as usual, my anxiety about what would happened was worse than the actual event, and what actually did happen was very different from what i imagined. there were three weddings--two on Sunday night and one on Tuesday night. the first and third weddings were quite pleasant. i sat with people i knew, the music was pleasant and not so loud that you couldn't talk to anybody, and it turned out i met family who knew the brides--i didn't even know they'd be there. that was a surprise. still, in both cases, even tough i was enjoying myself, i still bit my nails and found chewing on the bitten-off skin somehow relieving. the third wedding was just too loud and after staying the minimum time that would be considered respectable, we thankfully left. at this wedding, i didn't bite my nails at all. it seems crazy to me and totally illogiicall. one would think that i'd bite my cuticles at the wwedding i didn't enjoy and refrain from it at the weddings i did enjoy, but the reverse is what happened. i tried to figure out what triggered this. the only answers i can think of are: a. anxiety over something good happening, anxiety over success, and/or b. while i was enjoying myself, my unconscious was busy with other areas that are still anxiety-producing for me. i started taking the ivillage online course on worklife balance and that could be causing me an increase in anxiety. i'm also still deliberating about how to go forward with this coaching business and that could also be in my mind. does anyone have an explanation for this phenomenon? meanwhile, my cuticles have started to get worse again. the cuts are bigger and they are bleeding. i know i am in decline, a backslide, and i want to contain and stop it. tomorrow my therapist returns. i made it through without him--perhaps not unscathed, but it was easier than i thought it would be. still, the longer i don't have therapy, the harder it is. perhaps that is also part of the explanation about my gradual worsening cuticles. i also had one haircutting episode on Monday, which felt good at the time, but have stopped doing that since then. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 5:33am

I've been away due to ill health, the blahs, work, exhaustion and some 'puter problems. So please give me some time to catch up with your posts.


How are you doing this week?


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
Depression Support



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 7:57pm

Sorry I haven't been keeping up on this thread Tziporah. *bad bad cl*


I know how it is to go without your therapist. I haven't seen mine in 3 weeks. I hope that you can find the support you need here. Maybe I should take my own advice.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 3:38am
Poppy and Amanda, thanks for caring and asking how i'm doing. it means a lot to me.
actually, during the last few weeks, i've cut back o looking at hte message boards. i used to do it almost every day, and then cut back. for awhile, i was doing okay and was able to refrain from hurting myself, but over the last week, it's started again, unfortunately.
being without therapy was hard, but i was busy and succeeded in some things that were hard--see previous messages. still, the longer i went without it, the anxieyt and tension increased. now he's backand as mean as ever--i meanm aggressive. but i guess i need that--he has a way of forcing me to look at all my assumptionss, many of which are flawed, and although it hurts during the treatment, afterwards, between sessions, i think about what he's said and it starts to make sense. that's part of the process, of course.
right now, my anxiety is increasing again. it has to do with this coaching business venture. i realized that since i've started on this thing, a lot of things have changed--i'm doing a lot of things i've never done before, like the internet, for example. but i keep asking myself: how the ell did i get myself into this thing? it still feels like i sort of just slipped into it and i'm being pulled along by a current, or like a snowball rolling down a mountain in an avalanche, out of control, being controlled b a power beyond itself. and this anxiety/tenssion makes me bite my cuticles more. the fingers aren't all ripped up yet, but it's been increasing over the last week. it occurred to me that perhaps if i had more contact with the board, i'd do better. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 11:55pm
after my serious attempt to stop this nail-biting, i have to admit that at present every finger--except for two, has sores on them. i know it's because i'm anxious. it's not only the coaching thing, but also my parents' visit in a few monthys, and their nagging me to go to the States to visit them. i can understand their request, but my spiritual advisor says i shouldn't do it right now. also, when they come, they'll criticize me again for all the things i haven't done yet: not losing weight, the chronic clutter in the house, etc.
i saw my psychiatrist yesterday for my regular 3-month check. she wants to augment my meds with another pill for sleeping at night, instead of the meletonin, which didn't help too much. last nightm i thought, after a dayof not sleeping at all, i'd fall right to sleep. instead, ispent the time biting my cuticles. i should have worn gloves, but the heatwave here is intense. no excuse... still... i didn't wear them. i know i should tkae the new pill, but the thoughtof another med in my body--i'd rather not.
so you can see things aren't going easy right now.
also, a friend who is giving me a lot of moral support for this coaching thing, just lost his mother at the weekend and will bepreoccupied with that for awhile. i don't want to bother him just now. being able to talk with him would help. except, somehow, it's also anxiety producing. he's sure i can succeed. why don't ihave that faith and optomism? is it just cold feet and the depression or realistic doubt?
one good thing did happen this week. i goofed off. three days of not doing any work, although there's no lack of that. i just spent time playing word games on the internet and with a scrabble set i have and thoroughly enjoyed myself, enjoyed the challene of trying these games, the challenge of the difficulties. i'm also listening to the Wimbledon coverage on the BBC. i'm taking the ivillage course on time management--work/life balance. maybe that's what's influenced me totake thisminibreak. now, after this minivacation, i'm ready to resume the regular routine. i should goof off more often and do it without feelingguilty. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 7:18pm

I can understand that the longer you go

Amanda

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