Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

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I'm so glad your colonoscopy went so well! I had one along with a simultaneous gastroscopy a couple of years ago, and was completely sedated for them. Also glad it showed nothing serious!
I'm also really glad you're feeling more positive today! Could it perhaps be partly because of the release of pressure from your parents going home AND the colonoscopy being completed? Less stress=feeling better? :o)
Trying out new ideas is natural. Completely normal. And I think that a lot of the time, when we lose interest, it's because we haven't quite managed to find the right concept. So we try a new one, to see if that one fits better. I've done lots of them! So try out the writing idea you have, and if it feels right, then you'll stick with it. If it doesn't, then it's been another area of research!
Be gentle with yourself!
Gentle hugs,
Chris
www.rainbowinspirations.co.uk
http://rainbowinspired.livejournal.com/
www.rainbowinspirations.co.uk
http://rainbowinspired.livejournal.com/
Thoughts and prayers Poppy!
Tziporah, I will be back to reply after I have read all the messages.
cl of the Self-Injury
Thank you, Amanda.
(((hugs)))
I haven't disappeared, but I have been way for quite some time. Thanks for all the messages. If I wasn't feeling so overwhelmed, I answer each one individually. Suffice it to say, I found relevant points in every one. Thanks for caring enough to write.
Since my parents left, I have been trying to get back on track. Right now, I'm involved in a big typing project--transcribing a religous text for a blind person using my scanner macyhine. It's a book on personal prayer and I'm really enjoying it--learning a lot from it. Still, my t. says I shouldn't be totally devoting myself to it to the exclusion of everything else. Still, to be honest, I don't feel like doing anything else really right now. I'm trying to finish it quickly, because I know myself well enough--until I do finish it, I won't be good for anything else.
I hae to undergo surgery for a fistula--it feels like a piece of thick wire, that is inside my buttocks. I'm trying to set that up.
Not doing much with the coaching.
Therapist getting into deep stuff again and says I'm "resisting". he's right, of course. Shucks.
Biting my cuticles as usual and struggling with a lot of relationship issues and other things.
Have started paxxel again at mg20, and now, after a few weeks, my sleep is finally getting more into a normal rhythm. I still wake up at least once in the middle of the night, but don't toss and turn any longer. Instead, I am able to think of pleasant things, like running classical music pieces in my mind, or thinking about things I've read. eventually, i may even drift off.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Nothing great. In fact, I feel worse since starting the paxxel a few weeks ago. Initially, I felt a bit better. Maybe it was the placebo effect, but that's past by now. I've been on it for about a month now, mg20 before bed.
My best hours are in the morning, from about the time I get up, 5am to about 3pm. I'm not sure whether it's because the meds have kicked in--between bedtime and waking up, or if it's because of the kind of depression I have: atypical, disphymia, in which a person has the most energy at the start of the day and then it declines: the opposite of bipolar, in which the morning is said to be the worst time. maybe it's a combination of both.
am just bored with absolutely EVERYTHING. Have phone messages about coaching--don't feel like responding to any of them. don't respond for days, and then with every passing day, it feels more absurd to respond. such a long lapse between receipt of the message and responding. have lost my enthusiasm for it entirely.
have made a commitment to hosting guests for the Sabbath the whole year--you may recall I have girls who are here for a year of seminary sleep over Friday/Saturday during the Jewish Sabbath. seriously wish i could just call up all of them and cancel every one of those commitments. feel like I can't relate to them. tired of eating catered food--I don't cook because there are a lot of girls here.
the only thing holding my interest at all right now is a book i am transcribing for someone on prayer. she is blind and i'm brailling it for her using my scanner. i find i can relate to a lot of the stories. wish i could actually pray myself, admire those who can, but for now am just reading through the stories. can relate to a lot of the.
procrastinating about a lot of things.
after lunch, take an afternoon nap--i get up at about 5am and am truly in need of a break by then. but afterwards, just can't seem to get up again. bored.
what do you all think about what is happening?
i don't want to change the meds right now, especially because I'm due for surgery on the 23rd of Dec., and it will be a general anesthesia and most likely antibiotics after that. i know all of these things: the operations and the drugs can play havoc with antidepressants and that surgery can even trigger a depression.
i just don't get it. a few months back i was so enthusiastic about coaching and now am totally turned off by it.
i used to love having the guests. now am totally bored with it. feels like automatic. can't relate to the girls who come.
my t. says maybe i need a break from the guests. feel trapped--like i can't just call them up and cancel. after all, you're not supposed to break off your commitments.
what's more, Shabtai also likes having them. says i'm more energetic when they're here--true statement. they force me to get dressed, go to synagogue, etc., something i probably would not do if they were not here.
also, his father is very far-gone with Alzheimer's and getting any kind of decent help is turning out to be a red-tape nightmare. his mother is getting worn out from having to be the main caregiver. after every call, i just feel more depressed about it. the whole thing is so futile, just sohelpless in the face of this insanity and the red-tape.
all my cuticles are a mess as well, just one more thing about which to feel discouraged.
my t. says i'm isolating myself more and more.
whereas i used to be very talkative in therapy, am now often silent for long stretches.
today i was supposed to have a session. he had a conference, which meant i got a reprieve. was so glad when he told me last Monday i'd be having Thursday off. my thought: what do i have to talk to him about anyhow?
had this crazy dream last night about being in a psychiatric hospital where all the patients were blind. was supposed to be there permanently.finally, in the dream, or half-awake, said to myself: "i got to get out of here." this dream sparked some sort of spirit of energy and determination.
but, once again, tonight just lay around for hours on end. didn't even put the foodin the fridge. just tired of it all.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Just passing through quickly to wish you a Happy Hanukkah, to you and yours, Tziporah.
I promise to come back when things quiet a bit over on this end of the world.
Hugs,
Thanks for your holiday wishes. I send you back likewise for a belated holiday--I know it came out in the early fall.
As the saying goes: "better late than never". laugh. that might sound cynical, but I really mean it.
You are such a good friend to remember things like wishing me a happy Chanukah. Considering the mood I'm in right now, it's really appreciated.
By "quiet on this side of the world", do you mean personally or with what's going on in your country? I think I heard on the BBC recently about some newsworthy event, but I can't recall what it was: a cyclone or something else.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts as always.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
best holiday wishes to all.
right now my cuticles are so-so. not perfect, but definitely better than last week. a few fingers have no sores on them at all, or very minor ones. others are still quite ripped up. some are in between these two extremes.
i have noticed that once again i have started to enjoy biting my cuticles and chewing on the skin i've bitten off. not enjoying biting the cuticles--but enjoying chewing the skin. finding it soothing, cathartic. i haven't had that sensation for quite some time, but now it's back. i'm not criticizing myself for it. just stating a fact that that is where i'm holding right now.
last night, my aunt called and she asked me how it's going with coaching. i have started to coach one or two old clients. i said i was doing it a little bit. i asked her how her side of the family is doing. everyone, of course, is successful, all in great jobs that they like. jobs which they got with no hassle or sweat. felt envious. eeryone sems to have it easy jobwise, but me. at least, in my family it's like that.
she also said it is hard to get coaching clients right now. nobody has money and coaching is not a necessity, but a luxury.
i know, i know. what else could i say.
got off the phone and felt like shut.
(replace the letter u with the letter i.)
well, still feeling bad about it. like i'm a real idiot. always seem to go for fields that are either overloaded--too many people flooding the market and not enough jobs to go around for everybody. or, enter a field that looks promising when i start studying for it and then conditions change economy wise.
then i started to think that perhaps the coaching school course was just a warm-up and i should take a much more extensive program.
whatever i do, my t. says i always give myself self-defeating messages. i guess this is just tht pattern once gain.
funny how a stupid little phone call could throw me off so much, but it has.
tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
my surgery, which was originally scheduled for Dec. 23 was moved to Dec. 30. now it's been moved again to Jan. 3. a medical complication means the thing will be more complex than originally anticipated.
feeling tense and anxious.
biting my cuticles.
just bandaged the one that is most ripped up.
trying to overcome the urge to rip up the other fingers that are not bandaged.
dealing in therapy with how to respond to choices, how to deal with feelings of being overwhelmed, how to deal with situations that are beyond my control, and how to deal with situations that are within my control. of course, as always, also how to stopgiving myself negative messages and more positive messages instead.
i'm scheduled to give a class on coping with anxiety tomorrow. not really looking forward to it. i have to teach something i find very hard to do myself, something i'm not good at.
i wish i could practice what i preach!
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
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