Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



Pages

Avatar for cl_nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 10:27am

In my reading of your past posts in this thread only, I have noticed that when you mention that you have been studying scripture you then write how you should be doing something else instead of studying scripture.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 3:29pm
Hi Karen,
I appreciate you taking your time to answer my messages with care and thought.
I am always interested in hearing about how you found your way to paganism. I don't know too much about it. In my teens there was a radical radio station in New York and they had a program where female witches talked to each other and the larger radio audience. beyond that, i have no knowledge. is this the kind of paganism to which you are referring?
tfhere are many scientists who are also religious. they see a Divine design in the world that is confirmed by their scientific inestigations, not refuted by it.
i don't think my lack of spiritual connectedness is due to metaphysics or somehow needing to understand who G-d is. You are closer to pinpointing the problem in the latter part of your message. It has to do with establishing a more personal relationship with Him. you are right--instead of pulling away from the very sources that could help me, Scriptures and prayer, if i could draw closer to them, it would probably be different. i did have that in my youth. i always believed in G-d, and once I really began to become religious that was strengthened. in my twenties, i went through a major spiritual trauma, which i would rather not explain, and after that, something died inside of me. i have never been able to get that original spark back. i've talked to my therapist about it. maybe what i need to do is pray about it. laugh.
you are also right about how women have a very strong need to give life, whether that is through one's own children or in other ways. no doubt, my infertility has hurt me spiritually and emotionally. i am always struggling with the issue of what i should be doing with myself. i often think it is a way of filling this void. i often think that if i had children i wouldn't continually be searching for ways to occupy myself, ways to keep myself busy, a way to fill this vaccuum.i am nearing the end of a major project, and as i get nearer to the end, my anxiety has been increasing. there are a lot of questions about what i will do next. plus, i have been putting off decisions that have to made. my t. knows all about these things. he is working on all of that, rest assured.
all of these thoughts, as you probably can surmise by now, lead me to bite my cuticles--not to mention the other trivial anxieties which also trigger it. a few nights ago i was in a synagogue i usually do not attend for a special religious service. the whole time i kept wondering how i'd find my way out. this made me anxious and i started to pick at my cuticles, which then made me embarrassed because i knew people would see it. of course, as my therapist would point out, there was nothing to be anxious about--as soon as the service was over, someone i knew came over to talk and we left the building together. that was part of the anxiety--that i didn't know anybody there. during the serice, nobody talked, so i had no way of knowing she was even there. in case your wondering how i got there, when i went into the building, someone showed me where the women's section was. in Orthodox Judaism, men and women sit separately.
just today i realized i only have nine more days till my next therapy session. i thought it would be harder managing without therapy. it's already been a week since my last session. i was lucky--there was a Jewish holiday in the interim and this provided a happy diversion. when i realized this fact, i was surprised--especially because right after the last session, someone said something very painful to me and i had to really resist calling him for an emergency session.
mostly, i just keep looking at my sore fingers--sores high up on them from picking at them. they are healing slowly.
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for cl_nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-02-2010 - 7:26pm

Paganism is an umbrella word that encompasses lots of different types of pagans.

 

Avatar for cl_nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 2:45pm

I'm back with part two of this very long reply.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 03-03-2010 - 4:07pm
Hello, Karen,
Thanks for answering--especially since you have not been feeling so good. are the hives and nauseated feelings connected?
I was very interested in reading about your native American roots. that is one thing we can learn from them--respect for nature. do you actually go out and replant the stem of the carrot? i mean, how is that practically applied in the city?
well, Judaism also has a lot to say about nature and this is built into the various religious laws. it is well-known that ritual slaughter is designed in such a way as to cause the least pain to animals as is possible. we also are against senseless killing, such as hunting. in Israel, the land is supposed to rest every seventh year, and there are still religious communities here that practice this ancient rite. they do not farm during the seventh year. this year is determined according to the Jewish calendar.
an ancient tradition says that each blade of grass is watched over by an angel who says, "grow, grow."
there are numerous other such examples.
anyway, the part about negative and positive energy is also something i could recognize, especially since a lot of "new-age" mental health systems talk about it.
i am sorry to hear about how you were abused as a child and can easily understand how it was hard to retain belief in the face of such a painful reality. this is very similar to the question that many Jews ask: i.e., "where was G-d during the Holocaust?" where was He when Hitler was killing the six million?
well, i am certainly in no position to answer this question. i have never been in a Holocaust, and although i was emotionally abused, i was never physically or sexually abused. i know of religious people who lost their faith during the Holocaust, but i also know many who retained faith despite it. these are not easy questions, whether the abuse is on a personal or massive level.
many people here on this msb have gone through abuse of one kind or another. it is so common. perhaps that is why so many people who were bused engage in some kind of self-injury. their self-esteem has been damaged. it is so hard to recover from the long-lasting effects of it. that is why i am still in therapy, trying to recover from the things that happened so long ago.
if i could love myself, feel comfortable within my skin, i would be happier. that is also another main goal of therapy, trying to stop beating myself up all the time. that's how it comes out--i bite my cuticles as a way of continuing to beat myself up.
i have been able to learn to care less about what others think of me. that was a major part of the first few years of therapy. i've gotten better at it, but it did not come easy.
nothing comes easy to me.
today, some cuticles--fingers continued to heal, but i picked at new ones. i was trying to get material i needed for a presentation and it's been frustrating at every turn. i was aware when i was doing it, knew it was because i was anxious.
feeling tired now.
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for cl_nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 03-04-2010 - 11:45pm

The carrot stem is usually added to my compost pile and eventually returns to the garden.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 03-07-2010 - 2:43pm
Hi Karen,
Thank you for your long and interesting post.
I did know about the gypsies. They, along with gays and other marginalized groups, were also exterminated by the Nazis. that is also why Hitler, may his name and memory be erased, was so offended when Jessie Owens, the black runner, won medals at the 1936 Olynpics in Germany. Anything non-Aryan was subject to his horrors.
Of course, there have been other tyrants since then--like the Cambodian regime in the 1970s or 1980s.
I also thought, while reading your message, about the massacres to which the native American peoples have been subjected.
probably every nation on earth could tell these kinds of stories.
i think what made the Holocaust stand out, was that this was the first time human extermination was done on such a massive and methodical scale and in such swift fashion.
You are probably right that abuse, physical and emotional and verbal, are all under-reported. I think most experts would say likewise.
I do not know a lot about celiac. but i could recognize its connection to the immune system because of the following experience. my husband, who has undergone two kidney transplants, was on dialysis--waiting for his second transplant. he needed a blood tranfusion. during the treatment, he broke out in hives, which had never happened before and has never happened since. after reading your message, i now think this reaction had to do with his immune system being compromised. even though he was waiting for his second ttransplant then, his system was already affected, because he had had one transplant already. also, because transfusions, as yousurely know, involve taking something from one human being and injecting it into another human being. the acid test to see if a live donor is compatible in kidney donations is to transfuse the potential donor's blood into the recipient and to watch for an adverse reaction.
i guess a lot of us are searching for where-to-go-from-here, so i could totally relate to what you said about hoping eentually to get into graduate school.
finally, you need not appologize for your ignorance. the Sabbath is on the seventh day, Saturday, as found in Ex. 20, the fourth of the Ten Commandments. Christians moved the day of rest to Sunday, the first day of the week, to coincide with the resurrection. Moslems celebrate their day of rest on Friday, but I am not sure how that came about.
as for me, i have been trying to let my fingers heal--not an easy process. i picked at them over the week end and was embarrassed by it, because i had to present a class and had to read braille, which meant everyone saw my bloody fingers. i still have sores on the sides of them, although some are healing. a very slow process in healing this time--probably because i keep picking at them. i don't know why that is--but at night they always seem worse than in the morning. maybe it's because when i'm a sleep they have a few hours of not being picked at. this time around, most of the sores are not where the cuticles meet the fingernail, what is called the "cuticles",. but on the sides of my fingers--muchhigher up, and also on the front and back of them. fingers 1, 2, and 3 are taking the brunt of it on both hands, with fingers 2 and 3 the worst effected.
my next therapy session is Thursday.
i've been busy working on this new class i'e been assigned to teach for this phone line that i am working for. going pretty good.
Tziporah
web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for cl_nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 1:35pm

Hi, Tziporah, your description of your husband's kidney transplant and the hives are almost exactly like what I am going through only it isn't something from someone else's body it is my own body that seems to be at war with itself.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 12:23am

Hi Karen,
I hope you're feeling better today.
it was so weird when my husband got the hives during the blood transfusion. it's the only time he ever had this reaction to a transfusion and the only time he ever got hives. they just started out of nowhere. fortunately, they were able to fix the blood transfusion and they went away.

i think the reason the holocaust is so outstanding is not because others didn't massacre before or since, but rather because of the methodical nature, the speed in which the destruction was executed, the ways in which it was carried out (mass gassing), the concentration on one ethnic group, (making the world Judenrein--free of Jews). and the sheer numbers involved--millions. by the end of the 20th century, these concepts were unfortunately all too familiar, with the ethnic cleansing in Yugoslavia, the horrific methods in Cambodia, and elsewhere. but at the time of World War II, the world had not yet experienced such mass methodical destruction. ethnic cleansing on such a mass scale was unheard of.
until then, it was hand-to-hand combat, or a rifle shot. even World War I, was basiclaly a hand-to-hand combat war, with soldiers in one trench just feet away from their enemy. it was often a question of who could pull the trigger first. from the second World War on, it became possible to use mechanical means for quick and efficient mass destruction within hours.
i think that is what set the holocaust apart. it was the first time a world leader dared and succeeded in things that were, until then, unheard of. even when reports of what was going on actually started coming out, people just could not imagine it. it was too unreal.
in terms of destruction, the 20th century probably outranked all the others combined. of course, every massacre, whether small or large, is a blot on humankind. i do not intend to minimize what happened to native Americans. i think, however, in the context of world history, what Hitler did was a turning point. most people now think of world history as: "before the holocaust", or "since the holocaust," or "after the holocust". it was such a defining moment in world history.

now to more pleasant things.
i wanted to ask you something about Scott Peck. you said you have his books. are you familiar with his four stages of religion? i thought about them when I read your description of how you used to be Catholic and now are not.
briefly, the four stages are:
1. chaos. lawlessness.
2. institutionalism. going by the law, submitting to the religious authority, no quesitons asked, mechanical ritual observance.
3. religious skepticism. questioning one's beliefs. abandonment of the institutionalism of the previous stage. sometimes abandoning religion altogether. or giving up the tradition of one's parents.
4. heightened spirituality. a mature observance of religion--practicing rituals, but with a connection to the spiritual force, G-d, or whatever that religious force may be. a return to one's faith or adoption of a new faith, characterized by a deep connection to the spiritual part of that faith.
i thought of you when i read this description recently.
does this click with you? what do you think?

as for me, i'm basically just sitting around not doing too much. i worked as much as i could on this project connected with this new class. after that, yesterday, spent a lot of time watching online movies. first i watched some interviews of how the film, Chariots Of Fire, was made. i had watched most of that film last week. then i watched the full movie remake of David and Lisa, an interesting film about two mentally ill teens. it was quite good. then i wanted to watch the original, which i actually saw in junior high, and i was able to download part of it. i think the original has much more power. it's more blunt, less gushy-sweet. well, i couldn't, have not yet been able to, get the full download and i got obsessed again. my newest ocd pattern. today, i woke up early and tried to download it again. couldn't do it, and tried watching something else. finally, stopped and wrote this email. now i'm going to do some work, which i relly need to do and finish.
i know why this is all happening. i started to talk about it with my t. before his vacation. underlying issues of what to do with my time, avoidance of making the decisions i need to make, lack of stimulation in my life/boredom, changes in my outlook. a lot of things all mixed together.
a lot of the time i just waste time in therapy talking about nothing--and whenever i do that he starts to ask whether the therapy is even helping. i don't know. but, after two weeks without it, i do know i need therapy. too many problems i'm stuck on. i guess it's just that it hurts so much--the probing, and i know i need to go through it. well, that doesn't explain the anxiety--except to say that probably i've been thinking about the issues on a subconscious level. it's really anxiety together with depression. a little bit of both.
i know this movie thing could be addicting.
just pulled at a piece of skin while writing this.
well, fingers are so-so. some healing nicely--like the second finger on my left hand. other fingers have sores that are still there, just that they are less bloody than before. i guess that's improvement.
Tziporah

web: www.life-ladders-coaching.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for cl_nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 11:26am

Hey Tziporah,


You have so many good points in your post today.

 

Pages