Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

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I need you to ask the questions, just like I need the therapist to ask the questions. Somehow, though when you do it, it's less painful. Maybe because he knows me so well, he doesn't waste time on idle chat.
Like today. start of session. I sent him a check by regular mail, after having sent them via fedex for a long time.
I was really worried--thought the check might have gotten sidelined when European airspace was closed. To get from Israel to the U.S., you have to go via Europe.
So, I started by asking him: "did you get the check?"
he said he had and then added, "you sound worried about it."
that's the way he works.
I can't fake it with him, and that's the problem. he sees it so clearly, sees me so clearly, and I have no good excuses anymore, and he's forcing me to see that all my answers are just excuses.
fingers healing, but i'm still biting them occasionally.
spent today just watching a movie over and over. really for the music, but also a good plot.
otherwise, slept a lot.
besides that, gave a class today. only thing of any consequence, only thing constructive.
tomorrow will have to do work because i have a class and haven't even started preparing it. fortunately, it's in the afternoon, so i should have enough time.
yesterday somebody called me up about doing a class on changing thoughts. this class is in another neighborhood. she asked about pay. i told her the price. she said she'd have to consult the women who are going to me the study group. i decided not to tell Shabtai about it. don't want to have to go through the humiliation of having to tell my husband that it didn't go through--if it doesn't. that would be one more failure. my therapist said, when i told him today about it, i should give myself credit for negotiating a fee instead of just doing it for free like i always do and also to forget about the humiliation part. he said it was a small step, but significant.
otherwise, again he said he's not sure how to help me. i have to stop focusing on the past and worrying about the future. he says only then will i be able to get unstuck--concentrating on the present.
he also said i should read Byron Katie's work. i've heard about her. one of those coaching superstars. last year she was the hottest thing in town. all the coaching email promos were talking about her.
well, after the session i could have gotten online and looked for it. i could have done a couple of other things as well. instead, just lounged around doing nothing. can't seem to get moving.
going to sleep. feeling depressed. will take the meds--which i always do before bed. will try not to mess up my fingers again.-especially now that they're finally starting to lookhalf-decent.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
well, I did get up this morning and got down to work. It took me longer than I expected to prepare the class. It is complicated material, and the morning went by. Once I got into it, it flowed.
Well, I gave the class in the afternoon on the conference line. At first, I had hesitated telling my parents about it--was afraid they'd ask me the million-dollar question: "are you getting paid for it?" but in the end, I did tell them about it. I recalled what I had once read in one of the books by Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, (an Orthodox Jewish rabbi and psychiatrist), that parents of adult children enjoy sharing in their adult children's achievements and the adult children themselves need the positive feedback. so I overcamemy anxiety and when I talked to them on Friday told them about it.
After the class, they called to tell me they were "impressed", which did make me feel good.
A few hours later, someone I don't know, called me to tell me she also found it very good and she had dialed into the conference line code which tells you how many people are on the line. She said there were twenty-five people. That is more than I get from any of the live local classes I do--which average about six or seven.
After the class, I slept and then spent the evening listening to the radio. The programs were interesting enoughh. But I also realized I was getting back into myold habit of justlaying around in bed: a sort of semi-interest, semi-bored lethargy.
The question again: what to do now?
I was also starting to pick at my fingers again. they're looking worse today than yesterday.
Also still depressed and disturbed from the therapy. Man, it's really hurting now,really tough.
Well, I overcame my resistance and opened up the Byron Katie website. I read the part about her story--another one of these Eureka flashes of insight and wham! she's all over the world--best-sellers, seminars, a school, talked about everywhere. the kind of thing that lights my fuse and pushes my buttons. i guess, you could say, with a mixture of envy and anger.
The only thing that kept me persisting was that my therapist told me to get her book, Loving What Is. I decided I would see if they have it in English locally. If not, I'll then order it from them.
Well, it's night here, so I couldn't check out that kind of thing until the morning--if they have it locally.
I then decided to download one of the worksheets, to get a sense of the method.
I realized two things. First, I realized it is the method my therapist has been using. I recognized the questions as those he's been asking me.
I also saw that it is similar to, but also different from, the teleclass methods I am teaching.
Well, I decided I was at least going totry to be open, but I had the usual reactios. Maybe I'll get into this method and I'll become a facilitator. Just like all the other fantasies I have.
Maybe this is finally the method that will work and finally get me out of the psychological trap I've been in.
Then I reminded myself that different methods and techniques work for different people.
I decided tomorrow I'll spend some time reading the material on her website more fully.
Feeling a little better--at least I overcame the urge and didn't watch a movie today--although I wanted to.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hello Tziporah,
Congrats on telling your parents and kudos on the compliments you got from a total stranger.
Hi Karen,
Right on. totally right on with your last message. You are so insightful. soooooooo insightful. laugh.
would you like to be my therapist? just kidding.
you could earn big bucks. aqlthough, he's nice--he's never raised my fees. still sixty dollars per session, which was what i started with him back in 2001. i guess he calculates that i hae to phone him, which is an additional expense. and it is twice a week.
well, you're right. twenty-five participants for a first-time isn't shabby at all. more than i ever get coming to my live classes.
i did enjoy getting thepraise from my parents. only one regret, which came after i hung up--why didn't i say something nice back to them, like: "you're great parents."?
Answer--because I didn't think of it until I hung up.
I know a thought like that could spoil the good feeling I was experiencing--that they had complimented me without asking any of the provocative questions, like, "are you getting paid?", and tht is why I hadn't thought about saying that they're great parents. Well, I tried not to let that guilt in, but it does bother me. like a thorn, or a splinter.
Just picked off some skin-chewing on it. enjoying it. have stopped and am writing again while chewing on this. feels good. cathartic. i guess that's because i'm "beating myself up", as my t. would say, for not praising my parents. just
did it again. shoot.
Okay, back to work. I can answer the Byron Katie thing. You're right on with that too. She does have everything I'd want--a fantastic career, married to a guy who's her assistant. I've been coming across that phenomenon lately. I could tell you about four or five women who are the main profile in the business with the husband giving behind-the-scenes support. she's traveling all over the world. well known everywhere. success. they don't even mention on her website if she has a degree. just that--kezam--one morning she woke up, had this glorious insight, instant transformation, and everything was solved. she had her calling, her life's work, no turning back.
the only time i ever felt like that, totally in harmony, was when i was involved in music before i became religious and had to give that up. my t. is challenging that interpretation as well. but there is a lot of truth in it.
anyway, i got the Byron Katie book he recommended yesterday. started reading it, did one of the exercises. it helped, but i need help understanding it.
watched a movie again today. the same one i've been wtching all week. great music score, which is why i watched it.
you're probably right about the brain cells working hard and the need for periodic rest. they say that is how Thomas Edison worked. would work in his lab for seeral hours, then take a nap, and then go back to work. they say a lot of his inventions had their genesis during those naps--his mind would be free enough to concoct these ideas, and when he would wake up, he'd go back into the lab and try to implement them.
the model who became blind. i didn't consider this possibility, which your message made me consider--perhaps she did continue modeling after she lost her sight. there's nothing to indicate that she gave it up completely. i just assumed she had.
going through a bad urge.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
You talked about letting a little guilt in because you didn’t think of saying something nice until you hung up.
Haven't had much luck with answering your post. I tried last Thursday--a week ago--and my internet wouldn't connect. Then I tried on Monday, and I wrote a long post, and then, after pressing preview, somehow deleted it. Was just too tired to go through all that again.
It's amazing how alike we are--how we think alike. I mean, the "one-track mind" thing. I'm like that. it's probably part of my OCD, which I also have, in additio to the depression and the low self-esteem. Wow! what a combination! laugh. Nothing like a little humor, right?
I can also relate to what you say about you having the art talent and your brother having the music bent. same thing in my family. in my family it's like this: I have the music, my twin sister has the art, and my older sister has neither. My dad has a great beautiful natural singing voice and my mom is definitely the artist. she became an interior decorator. she sculpts. or, i should say, she did. my sister does prints, silk scree and paints. but my mom can't carry a tune--which was the butt of a lot of jokes when we were kids. poor mom.
so, i guess it's genetics. going back further, i have no idea.
i will tell you what music heals my pain. there are really only a few sources. first, i like a lot of different kinds of music, which is unusual. most people just like one or two.i like everything--except the disco junk that's going around.
but as far as healing: i find classical music asthetically beautiful and it can relax me. it can also make me feel happy. but it's not healing in the sense of healing the pain. the music that seems to do that best, which inspires me the most, was black gospel music and i used to sing it a great deal. i accompanied myself on piano and i was very good at it. the only music i have found since that heals me in a similar way is the stuff done by a particular singer from the Jewish world, Shlomo Karlibach, whom I doubt you've ever heard. no matter. when i was in the U.S. with my husband, while waiting for his kidney transplant in the mid-1980s, there was a radio program from a local station in NYC that would play his music on Saturday nights. my husband would doze off and I would put an earphone in my ear and hear his songs for hours. it was the only thing that could reach the core of my being, just like the gospel music did.
well, i think you can now understand why it would be a bit difficult for me to sing that kind of stuff in the Jewish world. i sometimes do sing this Karlibach music for friends, and I probably should do more of it. i just had that insight while writing this.
In the last session, my therapist said i'm overlooking my successes, or "minimizing" them. Again, for the umpteenth time, he said he's not sure if therapy is helping. the minimized success--that I got this offer I think I wrote about a few weeks ago--a new class in the local community for a fee. they're giving me a two-week trial. i told him, (my t.), that if it becomes a regular ongoing thing then it's a success. otherwise, it's not. and he said, "what about the fact you're getting paid forit? doesn't that count?" and i said,"it's a drop in the bucket." and he said, "how long have you been waiting for this? can't you acknowledge that you are getting paid? why are you overlooking that?" silence. what am i supposed to answer? nothing counts unless it's finished. nothing matters unless it's in quantity. a one-time stand doesn't count. that was the conclusion after his work on me. he said i have to start doing something, anything, to get unstuck. and then i went back to the theme of how anxious i am because every step i take requires making a decision and making decisions are so hard for me! i'm so messed up, it's mind-boggling.
so, i did a little praying--telling G-d how lost I feel. then i started listening to some black music on the internet, Curtis Mayfield, and i really let his lyrics penetrate. i haven't listened to him since about 1975, but i liked his stuff a lot.
after that, i really started to think: what am i doing? i mean, wasting this therapist's time, my time, and my money. i remembered something I had read in Further Along the Road. I think it's written there. anyway, M. Scott Peck is talking about how to get a therapy group unstuck. his method? tell them that in six months the group is folding. he says it's a sure-fire magic formula. everyone gets off their butts and moves.
so, i made a decision. if, by the time the Jewish New Year comes around, in Sept., i'm still where I'm at now, I'll stop with therapy. i can't imagine my life without therapy--i've been in it so long, and i certainly can't imagine my life without this therapist, because he's done the most, but maybe that's what I have to do.
In addition to everything else, I see the movie-watching just as another escape--just like the typing project before it--something to keep me occupied, to pass the time,but not really going anywhere. my t. keeps telling me to "take a step, take a small step", but I haven't yet. I have to. today I will. I'm going to write some emails to the people who were helping me in the past with coaching. see what comes of it. I've got to face myself and get moving.
Well, today, this morning, I was lying in bed and picked at a healing cuticle. i made a little sore. then berated myself--I got nine girls coming for the Sabbath. just what I need--for them to see my cruddy fingers. my bleeding fingers. right? very embarrassing.
also, a secondary si habit, cut my hair really short again. actually enjoyed the sensation of cutting it off.
well, at least it's soshort now it won't bother me for awhile. i mean, there's very little left to cut.
i can tell the depression is coming back. the symptoms. can't fall asleep at night. when i do, sleep very little and not that deep. then my husband leaves in the morning and i have two hours of deep sleep. now it's just after ten thirty and i'm finally up. haven't done anything today except listen to stuff on the internet and slept, when he came in after morning services, stayed in bed when he left, and now writing to you. at least i have two classes to give today. i'm going to start on the emails.
i'm writing this because i need to have accountability. if i were in a therapy group, the group would hold me accountable. right? well, i'm not in one. funny--group therapy has never really taken off here in Israel like it has in the States. well, you're my group.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
I love all types of music.
I don't like the present gospel and country stuff. It was the country music in the 60s 70s and 80s i liked--but i didn't like it that much at the time. now i like it. and it was the black gospel of the late 60s and early 70s i really liked. people like Aretha Franklin and Roberta Flack. anyway, I don't listen to that now. I alsoliked folk from that time, people like Judy Collins and James Taylor.
I trained in classical music, so that is the genre I know most about. I like that a lot and will often put it on while i'm workig, or sometimes just lie in bed with it o the radio. I have some favorite pieces, but unless you're really into that, i don't think naming them would mean anything to you.
I also think jazz is very intense. I like some of it, but once again, more of the past stuff, not too impressed by what is coming out now. Sometimes I'll also hear some jazz on the radio.
I've started to listen to some music on the internet and I enjoy that.
Well, what did I do today?
After writing you my message in the morning, I wrote a letter to someone who had worked with me in coaching school, somebody I really respect, and I'm waiting for their reply. That's a small step, but it was one I had put off for awhile. A long time. After that, I watched a movie.
Well, I think you'd actually like this movie. It's called Annie's Point. It was made for TV. it's about a grandmother and granddaughter who set off on a cross-country trip. For once, no sex and dirty language in a film. Yay! I also think the theme song, the instrumental that opens the movie, is very beautiful. I actually cried at the end, which I hardly ever do with a movie. Anyway, you can get it via youtube by putting in the name of the film. very good quality and the acting is very good.
Why haven't groups taken off here in Israel? well, it's socialized medicine here, and unless you ca pay for it yourself, you have to go through the sick fund you belong to. after being on a waiting list forever, you get assigned a therapist and you're supposed to have it wrapped up in a certai number of sessions. to get intolong-term therapy, individual or group, you have to go through the mental health section of the sick fund or through the welfare social services. a real pain. and once again, those groups are often time-limitted, like a year in length. often, the therapists change. i knew someone who went through this system, spent a year with one therapist, and that was that. the therapist she had finally opened up to was moving on and she had to go through the whole process again with another therapist. she tried getting into a group, but there weren't enough members and it fell apart.
of course, if you have money to pay, you can go privately to a therapist. but they are expensive and a lot of people who could benefit cannot afford it. surprisingly, in this private sector, i hae neer heard of these therapists running groups. it would make sense actually, by making it more affordable. maybe it has to do with the fact that Israel is still the kind of country where, if you don't know somebody, you very well mayrun into somebody who does know that somebody. that could be part of it.
having said there, there are a lot of self-help groups going. a lot of coaches are running self-help groups. but i don't know if you could call that real group therapy--at least not in the traditional sense. it would probably be more like what i do in my teleclasses--group coaching.
you're right. my therapist is probably giving me a deadline without coming right out and saying so. but i will tell him that tomorrow. but it's a risk. because i'm not sure by the Jewish New Year i will have moved far enough, or even be beyond where I am now. well, if i think like that, i won't be. right?
My finger is bleeding again.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
Twice in one day.
Two in one day. not making up for lost time. Rather, I need the moral support.
I don't recognize any of the names you mentioned in your post--all those musicians. I think, in general, all kinds of music are following the same pattern. This new electronic music is just not like the old stuff.
My husband, who is Jewish, grew up in Beirut, Lebanon. He says the older Arabic music, up until about the mid-sixties, was played on traditional instruments and sometimes supplemented with strings and the organ. Then the electronic stuff came in and what's come out since then is just inferior.
Same with classical music. All the modern composers cannot even match the greats of the past. After Leonard Bernstein, really nobody of equal weight in the modern sense has appeared.
If you hear country, it is also very electronic, with a lot of electric guitars and very different from what was coming out twenty plus years ago.
And the same could be said for all the rest.
I don't like dixie that much, but occasionally listen to it. Has that style also been corrupted by modernity? I hope not.
Anyway, just wanted you to know that whenever I see a note that I've gotten an email from this thread, I usually open it right away. You have no idea how much your words and support are helping me.
Tonight I have therapy. Wish me luck.
I'm feeling very low right now. So is my husband. We just found out that the rabbi we turn to with all our major questions is about to start undergoing a painful cancer treatment--not chemo, but rather a new kind of therapy that involves very painful injections in a sensitive part of his body, and that there is also suspicio that it's spread to another part,but he's too weak to even start treating that second area. We already went through this once, when my husband's first spiritual advisor passed away about twenty years ago. We thought we would never find another. Then we were blessed to find this great sage and I/we don't know what we'll do if...
I so much want to tell him things, ask him things. He was the one who got me into therapy--told me I needed it. I could tell him things I could tell nobody else. My husband almost broke down crying today--on the erge of it. We found out about this new treatment last night--six weeks of agony. We knew he had a tumor removed, but didn't know what was going to happen.
I feel so lost. Nobody to talk to. Strange as it may seem, I find it hard to communicate eerything to my husband. Is that normal?I mean, we're clsoe--very close--but for some reason I find it hard to talk to him about my coaching dilemma, and although he asks a lot about what is going on in therapy, I can't tell him everything.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
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