Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
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Hi Tziporah,
I just wanted to let you know I might not be around for a few days as I have started breaking out with hives again and they are getting pretty bad.
I hope you're feeling better. That was thoughtful of you to tell me youmight not bearound for a few days. You're permitted, you know, to take time off. laugh.
Tuesday morning watched a movie and that put me behind schedule. Berated myself for not finishing the typing job I was supposed to do.
Wednesday relaxed over the holiday here and struggled within myself on spiritual matters.
Today, Thursday morning, watched another movie and realized I'm procrastinating because I am still avoiding the difficult stuff--trying to deal with the business issues.
I looked at my fingers while I was in bed this morning. More or less all healed. Then went and picked at them. Angry at myself for doing that. It happens every time. They get all healed and then I mess them up again--almost like on purpose.
Still, only one finger is really not so great, so if I can stop myself now, it shouldn't be too bad. Plus, I have to start working on various things. Stop procrastinating. It's so hard! so ingrained in me--that procrastination. and today I don't have therapy. I thought I didn't need it--but if I had a sesion, this is one thing I could talk about, the procrastination.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
Well, I haven't gone to the ER yet.
Well, yesterday, Thursday, wasn't a total waste. I did watch two movies. But I also went to the dentist. i had broken a filling eating a nut earlier in the week and that was the first slot he could give me. Well, my tooth is shot. He patched it up this time, but he said if it breaks again, I'm in for root canal and a crown. I excepted that. I've had teeth problems since a major biking accident in high school, so no surprises here.
I also baked bread last night.
Otherwise, just relaxed. Shabtai said I must have been tired from the dentist. Such an understanding husband!
Well, earlier in the week I did do a lot of pre-holiday baking. So I'm not a total lazy bum.
Well, today watched the end of a movie. I got up at about 5am. Now it's 7am. Have a little cooking to do, not much, and I have decided nott to watch movies anymore. Hhurting me spiritually and also timewise. My latest avoidance strategy. I'm writing this because I know my resolve might change. So you can remind me of it when I need reminding. Preventive medicine.
Glad to here you got the car fixed and might have avoided the ER.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
Glad to see you are trying to "fix" the avoidance problem.
The last few days have been challenging, to say the least. There have been some successes, especially on the assertiveness front. Several situations presented themselves in which people wanted certain things from me and I couldn't agree with them because it would cause me inconvenience. I was able to be respectfully assertive. It's funny how, when you're working on deeloping a trait, it just keeps coming up over and over again at every turn. This is what was happening to me. Mytherapist said I had done well.
Well, that was Monday--up to Monday.
Yesterday was a real killer. My main scanner malfunctioned AGAIN! and it threw me into a real depressive funk. Shabtai, bless him, was both supportive and realistic. He assured me it could be fixed, would be fixed. I started down this spiral of negative thoughts. I had just printed out a lot of papers I wanted to read. I hae other scanners, but this scanner is the easiest for me to use. Well, I kept trying to fix it--obsessive tendency--and couldn't get beyond a cedrtain point no matter how many times or how hard i tried. Shabti said, "give it a rest." but that was so hard for me to do!
he said he'd take care of it today--call the technicians for me--and i know he will.
i kept predicting that this repair is going to take a long time--just like they always do. he said i'd have a replacement machine meanwhile. that didn't help too much.
then there was the money issue--just as i'm trying to get started with everything, more outlays, more repairs. he said it wouldn't be as expensive as i was anticipating, and besides, we do have the money.
he said to use an alternatie reading machine--i didn't want to tell him that one's kaput as well.
finally, i quit. went to bed and just sank into that depressive bleakness, that place where i a totally unreachable. i could feel myself going into that abys. so could he. Shabtai tried to comfort me, hold me, which helped a little, and I finally fell asleep. which was probably the best thing I could have done.
of course, when i got up this morning, after he left for morning prayers, i again tried to give it a whirl, but couldn't do anything more than i had done previously. i've gotten to the point now where i can accept it's malfunctioning.
of course, during the night, i had a bad si episode and picked/bit off a large area of on a finger. skin. I was fully conscious of it--hated myself for doing it, but couldn't stop. somehow felt better afterwards and drifted back to sleep. now, in the morning, it looksbad, but not as bad as it did last night.
well, i tried operating the scanner just now again--keep thinking if i do it often not, long enough, enough times, i'll hit a lucky formulat and the thing will suddenly, magically recallibrate itself and work like it's supposed to.
the other thing about it is that i wanted to start scanning thiss long file and now i felt, once again, i was jinxed. just as i get up and going, a mechanical failure comes along and throws everything off. that's what it felt like to me.
during all of this mental/emotional chaos, a small voice was trying to break through, trying to get me to do what my therapist keeps telling me i need to do: challenge the thought, change the thought. finally, i got to the point where i could challenge it. "focus on what you have, not on what you don't have." i cannot say that i sustained it, but at least i thought it for a minute or two.
Shabtai said, when we were in bed, when I was in this depressive funk, "it's not the end of the world. you don't need to go into this total darkness. it's only a machine. even man breaks down and decays eventually."
i realized how much he helps me as a spouse, by not only being supportive, but also, more importantly sometimes, by opposing me, forcing me to confront things.
this was one of those times.
another thing happened yesterday that was also ery testingfor me. a friend and i are going to a day-long convention in another city. i have to give two teleclasses today and i wanted to take a taxi back--a bit of an expense. my friend kept bugging me about it. i went through various vascillations--foregoing this convention, foregoing the class commitments, etc., etc. finally, Shabtai said, (after i had decided to forget the whole thing), "i don't see why you can't just do what you want. why are you letting this friend bamboozle you about? it's not like you're asking her to pay for your taxi home. you're not. she's really got some nerve to tell you how to handle yourself." true. true.
i got his point. he was trying to tell me to be assertive.
he said, "i want youto go to this convention. i know you'll enjoy it. you work hard and deserve to enjoy yourself. but you don't have to be manipulated by her."
so, after a lot of mental gymnastics, i called her back and told her she could do what she wanted, and i could do what i wanted. i appreciated her concern, but my finances and what i spend my money on is my business, not hers.
another ictory.
then, there was this success. because of the security situation here, Shabtai is very apprehensive about my taking busses. there have been terrible terrorist attacks on busses in the past, when many innocent people were killed and wounded by bombs and rifles. but that was at its height during the Intifada, which has mostly calmed down. there hasn't been one of these kinds of incidents in quite a long time. still, Shabtai has always remaied adamant that I should not take busses.
over time, through therapy, I realized that this was holding me back. I had a lot of phobias myself. what if, Heaven forbid, something should really happen? Shabtai would then be alone. what would happen to him? we don't hae children who could take care of him. so this was a real and legitimate concern for me and contributed to my abiding by his request to desist from busses.
but i bega to see that this policy has limited my independence. it is quite expensive to take taxis everywhere. i rationalized it by saying that other people drives their cars and my cab fares equals their maintenance costs.
my therapist pointed out repeatedly that the statistics here show that getting killed i a road accident, Heaven forbid, is considerably higher than getting killed on a bus through a terrorist, Heaven forbid. note--Israel has a very high accident rate, unfortunately. a few hundred people are killed each year. for a country which is the size of the state of New Jersey, that's a lot.
well, yesterday things came to a head betwee Shabtai and myself. I told him I was planning to take a taxi home from this convention, butthat I was also plaing to take a bus to it. finally, he was open enough to asking our rabbi about it and we talked to him. the rabbi asked Shabtai to voice his fears and asked him if he could really feel emotionally comfortable with me going on a bus. he pointed out to myhusband the statistics and the reasoning my therapist had stated. Shabtai said, "if the rabbi wwill bless me, i will be able to accept it. i know it will be in line with our spiritual teachings."
that is the way my husband accepts difficult positions. if the position he is being asked to take is supported by religious doctrine, he will accept it, even if it goes against his personal preferences.
once he was assured of that, he accepted the rabbi's decision, that either a bus or a taxi were equally acceptable, and that in some situations, a bus might be preferred.
Karen00this has been a sticking point for almost fifteen years! ever since a major explosion on a bus route that killed many people.
i couldn't have done this without the support from my therapist.
so i guess you could say i'm going through a major spate of changes. i do think the fact that i gave myself a Sept. ultimatum/deadline has helped. I think that is what I needed to push me forward.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Tziporah!
Hi Karen,
Thanks for telling me about your projector. Reading the description you wrote about it, it just sounds so absurd. After all, it is clunky, old, heavy, inconvenient, and not even cost-effective: especially when buying a new lighter one would cost less than the repair! A logical person would just throw the thing out or consign it to a closet to be used when all else fails.
I think you have identified the problem--emotional attachment. We get used to our machines, even if they are outdated, expensive to repair, and so on. But I think it's more than that. We are comfortable using what we know and the thought of learning how to operate a new machine often feels overwhelming. Also, a lot of these new machines are more complex and have many options we won't een use, whereas the older models are simpler, more functional, and basic. I still don't hae a microwae. I grew up on the old-fashioned oven and that's all I know. Witness the transformation of the camera from a simple take-a-picture device to the complicated digital models. I like machines that do the job, not the complicated things they['re throwing at us nowadays.
Beyond that, I also think it's an ego thing. If I just try hard enough, I keep thinking, I'll be able to fix the stupid thing and get on with using it. It is humiliating and frustrating to be defeated by a machine and hae to admit we need technical help to fix it from a technician, that we are not smart enough to fix it ourselves. Bruised egos. Hurt pride.
I know a lot of people who have old devices lying around that need to be fixed. Sometimes it's just a hassle to hae to go through getting it fixed.
Well, I took the bus to the conention, the first time I had been on a bus in quite awhile. I actually enjoyed it, enjoyed the freedom ofbeing able to do it. If my husband was tense about it, he didn't show it. And my friends and I came back by taxi. And I was able to meet by commitments.
You are right. All my friends think similarly to you--that he is a great find and a great husband. Only thing is--I almost lost him! My parents were not in favor of the match and I was undera lot of pressure to terminate it. In fact, at first I did succmb to their control. But eventually, with a lot of emotional support from freinds and clergy, I re-started the match. To think that I could have, almost did, make one of the most stupid mistakes in my life! Shabtai is the best thing that ever happened to me. Besides his loving compassion and joyful spirit, he is also very logical and rational, and most importantly, forces to grow in the areas where I need it most.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hello Tziporah,
I wanted to quote you and then comment.
Hello, Karen,
Your email is a good ending to a stresful day.
I laughed at the part where you describe your dating experiences. Especially the punk guy. I could just see it! I really got a lot of laughs out of that part of your email.
Mine were different, as my parents and I were on separate sides of the globe. I was already in Israel when I seriously started looking for a husband. Since I knew that was my intent, I was ery selective. After all, this was the guy I'd be living the rest of my life with! Hopefully.
Their vision of whom I could would marry, and my choice clashed. That's what made it so difficult. The first time they met face-to-face was a disaster. Under parental pressure, I terminated the relationship.
After they had returned home, I missed him somuch that I ultimately re-contacted him. Then we sought guidance on how to handle things so that bad outcome wouldn't reoccur. With a lot of support, I was prepared to marry him against their will. Finally, when they saw how serious I was, they relented, and to their credit, gave me material support prior to the wedding.
They were not happy with a lot of my choices at that time, and since, but they were never happy with a lot of the choices I made. Our values and priorities are ery different. It is a miracle, as my rabbi says, but we still communicate. As my therapist says, it will never be a deep relationship, but there is respect and love and caring on some level, which, I guess, is the best one can hope for.
Without that moral support from my friends and several rabbis I could not have withstood the family pressure.
As they got to know Shabtai more, and saw what a caring person he is to me, and especially after his kidney failure, they softened up.
Well, love is important in marriage, but I have come to believe that equally, if not more important, is basic respect. I'd do anything for my husband, and I medan anything, and I have made tremendous sacrifices for him in many areas. He would do so for me. And, in fact, he has. I have had to learn to assert myself and notlet myself be neglected. That has come through therapy.
If you and your husband hae a basic relationship of friendship and respect, even if it is not on the level of commitment that I have just described, that's okay. The main thing is, it works for both of you. And if your son is in a safe environment with a dad who can be trusted, just as he is in a safe place with a mom he can trust, well--in today's day and world, that's saying quite a lot!
I really wanted to write this morning. I had a bad si episode--really wrecked one ofmy fingers. Right now, two of my fingers on my left hand, fingers 2 and 3 are messed up. Several others have some sores on them, but not serious--not too messy.
Well, I had a very good therapy session on Thursday. i told him about what was going on, how much I had achieved. A lot of long-standing issues were cleared up, i.e., my husband allowing me to take city busses again, after many years of hesitation. There were several situations where I had to be assertie and was able to be that way respectfully. He said I "sounded more confident."
So, on that strength, I decided to forego the Monday therapy session. He wanted to schedule it an hour earlier. I really didn't want that, because it would happen when Shabti is here, and I really feel more comfortable when he's not around during sessions. Not that he botheres me--he doesn't. It's just easier. I think you can understand that.
Well, till today I was happy with that decision. But I'm starting to lose confidence again and getting doubtful about my abilities to really launch a successful business. I wish I hadn't been so hasty in cancelling the therapy session, but I'm going to try to stick it out.
I saw a great movie about schitzophrenic affective disorder--Two Sisters. I knew someone who had it, and the portrayal this movie gives of it is very good. Also, a lot of emphasis on trying to keep the one sister who had it out of the hospital whenever possible. It also shows the stresses in the relationship betwen the two sisters that this illness caused. Not a gushy movie--like some medical movies are.
Anyway, I guess the doubts and the negative thoughts led to my biting my fingers again.
Also, the scanner was picked up today and I got a replacement.
Then, there was the internet, which has been acting up all day.
Finally, only G-d knows how, I got the thing to work.
The elevator thing is becoming a real hassle and Shabtai's getting very depressed about it, stressed out. I am trying to keep my feelings to myself.
Tziporah
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
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