Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 3:34am
in my last message, i forgot to say--remember that you were the one who suggested blogging to me in a very early post. i really have never taken to it, but i'll give it a try. you probably meant a blog in regards to my personal goings-on. this blog will be concerned with my progress in coach training. still, i am finding that the whole business of the computers and coaching is presenting me with a lot of challenges and i feel good when i am able to accomplish each one. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:48pm

Tziporah,


I can relate to the haircutting. When I get stressed it's time to shave it all off. I took 6" off my hair last time. I'm starting to feel the itch to cut it again. I wish I got my bf to do it last weekend when I did his.


Good for you for using your coping mechanisms for keeping from chopping it all off.


How about coping mechanisms for your cuticles?


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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 4:19pm
you're right, Amanda. Right--how about coping mechanisms for my cuticles? besides biting them--not much else. it's either the haircutting or the nail-biting, vascillating from one to the other. today, i spent several hours listening to religious lectures and feeling anxious and depressed--feeling like i've gone down in spirituallity, wondering if my coaching is taking me further away from it. i have these thoughts a lot and my therapist says to ignore them. the doubt, though, is always there and i bit my nails as a stress reaction. they're not great, but if i would just leave them alone, they actually heal. the big if. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 8:40am

Hey there Tziporah,

Hoorah for you!! I am so impressed that you have finally made the move to blog. I think that this is great. Like you, I'd been reluctant to blog. My friends have been blogging for ages, but I really couldn't figure out what I had to say that would contribute anything useful to this world. It was the same kind of feeling I had when I was given an assignment to write an article that was to be published for a widely read news magazine: utter panic, worry that my stupidity would show for all the country to see, worry that I'd be humiliated, etc. Well, nothing of the sort happened. Friends still remember that article, and take it for granted that I could have a writing gig should I want it.

Do you know how blogging has helped me? It has made me able to take a tiny part of what's going on in my life (mostly, the more interesting parts since the rest is very routine and rather boring), to step back and think how to make this interesting for other people. And this exercise helps me be more objective about the other parts of my life.

I understand about going at our own pace but needing a gentle nudge once in a while. Sometimes we need that nudge. I know I do.

About hair coverings, Muslim women who choose to cover themselves also have to cover their neck, so wigs are out. Maybe that's what you can do - wear a wig and cut the hair off the wig? There are a lot of cheapy wigs here. When you write a slip you mean an underskirt kind of slip? Ok, I didn't laugh my my hands are getting itchy - I have an urge to make you a very nice covering so you don't have to walk around the house in a slip! But I do understand about the weight and how soothing the sound of hair falling into the wastebasket is for you.

I think what your therapist said about the possibility of not getting over it as something that makes a lot of sense. SI is addictive, and people who have addictions will have them all of their lives. Even alcoholics who haven't touched a drink in 10 years still consider themselves alcoholics. Do you think it would be easier for you if your mid-term goal is to lengthen the time between self-harm episodes whilst you learn to turn to positive coping methods?

Lots of hugs. I am looking forward to reading your blog!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 07-25-2007 - 8:51am

Yes, I do remember that I was the one who told you that blogging might be good for you. Whether it's personal blogging, or for the coaching class or for anything else (there are people who blog about food, cooking, shopping, beauty) it's a good outlet and exercise!

I thought that the coaching would have a spiritual bent to it? Would that not bring you closer to your beliefs and help women achieve their goals whilst keeping true to their beliefs, too?

Hugs,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 10:08am
i tried wearing wigs. couldn't stand it--too heavy on the head and itchy. i did mean a slip--like a slip underneath a skirt--that kind. the elastic band keeps it firm on my head and it's long enough so that i'm not tempted to cut anything off. my parents are coming in about 2 months and i'm trying to let it grow in enough so she won't make any negative comments about it--she, being my mother, of course.
over the past few days i concentrated on biting and rebiting just one finger, but then today i had a bad backslide and all but one finger on the right hand is now sore again, plus that other finger on the left. i know what triggered it. there was a teleclass session and i discussed a particular approach i was taking with a woman with whom i'm working. the trainer/moderator said it sounded like i was doing therapy, not coaching, and he explained why.
afterwards, i thought about it. he's right--i could see that. and it just brought up all the feelings. i had this same thing happen to me before in other fields. instead of teaching, i'd be doing therapy. the only problem is: coaching and therapy differ markedly in their approaches and methods. and although there are people doing therapy who aren't licensed, just as there are coaches who aren't certified, the more competent practitioners go for licensing or certification. again the doubt. maybe i'm in the wrong place again.
this has happened to me before. about 20 years ago i took a course in music school to become a music teacher. right at the start, after we went through the initial assessments, the faculty said i was wasting my time there--should be in a conservatory instead. but i didn't listen--it took about a-a/2 years for me to get the message.
i learned a lot of things there, but they weren't related to music. i learned about teaching methods, became very fluent in Hebrew, and learned a lot about Israeli society.
it feels like these patterns are happening again. and, of course--my t. is off on a long weekend again. no session till Thursday. i wish i could talk to him about it.
i try to challenge the thought. the trainer was doing his job by pointing this out to me. i can always learn the coaching method. it's just this underlying doubt that never seems to totally go away--is there really where i should be? is this really my calling?
i've had a lot of computer problems again and technically getting onsite to do the homework has been frustrating. i kept telling myself other people also have computer problems. i thought of the women around here who have had them recently. still, it takes so much time to get very little done. is it worth it? the amount of time for what i accomplish? my therapist says i get an a0-plus for effort. great. but what i want is results.
i guess you've got the idea--all this negativity in my thoughts just led to si. it's always like this. i just get to the point where thehands are almost healed and then there's a trigger and within hours i've wrecked what i achieved. i've been very preoccupied, obsessed, with justgetting the startup requirements in place--like setting up my blog, getting on the school's discussion board, etc. and it's all so time-consuming. that's the ocd part. and the depresswion--well, i explained it to you.
my t. says i have to make time for the spiritual part o my life--not let this coaching or any other work take over my life so completely. true. but i'm not doing it yet. Tziporah it feels good to write here to people who understand and who won't judge me.
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 10:38pm
talk about resolve. bull----. in the afternoon, i was full of it--resolve. by evening, though, it was a different story. i know what happened. i was listening to a book being read out on the scanner--a story about a woman who became a teacher in midlife. and before i knoew it--i was engaged in haircutting again. of course, i thoughtabout what i had written earlier--letting it grow out. just one snip, but you know how it goes, and i couldn't stop. the ocd, the anxiety. i couldn't stop until it was all off--nothing to temp me anymore. and the shame. sure, there was hair in the wastebasket, which was okay. i used to be careful about not doing it when my husband is in the same room. not anymore--he was reading and i don't think he even was awareof what i was doing. but if he was--he didn't say anything. i doubt it, though. it he ha been aware, he would have said to stop. hair all over my nightgown and on me. i had to take a shower. then i hid the evidence--threw out the wastebasket. but there's hair on the floor, etc. if the maid connects it, she doesn't let on.
now, since i've cut it all off again, and canbe free of this temptation for awhile, it's back to nail-biting. get the picture?
i know i also hurt myself in other ways, such as ignoring my dental health. not exercising. eating fattening snacks. not going out that much. i thought therapy would help in these matters. it hasn't really. it only contains it somewhat, doesn't stop or prevent it. that is disappointing.
i also know a lot of it is connected to the anxieties--anxious aout the coaching thing and the current house repairs. i think of these things and i start doing one of my si behaviors. the shame, the disgust. the resolve not to do it again... but i do, and then i hate myself. not that i like myself that much even without the si behaviors. but then, that's why my therapist says i do it--because i don't like myself. if i did value myself, ii wouldn't hurt myself in this way. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 08-01-2007 - 5:39am

((((((((Tziporah))))))))

It's okay, Tziporah. It's okay. Something triggered you when you had been reading the story, and you couldn't catch it quickly enough. Do you know what triggered it? Was it the story itself that reminded you of what you are doing right now, and that brought your anxieties and worries to the forefront?

Please don't hate yourself? You are a great person, and there's no reason to hate you. Hating yourself only puts more pressure on you which in turn only makes it more difficult to stop the pattern and delete the tapes that are playing in your head. Hating yourself won't stop the SI. Maybe if you started to love yourself and treat yourself with the same gentleness, kindness and understanding that you show when you write to others here, it would eventually be more productive and healing?

So what are the ways in that you need to take care of yourself?

Do you have problems seeing the dentist. I know a lot of people who fear the dentist, and I know a few more who have huge anxieties and triggers when going to the dentist. It's not abnormal, and I can even find you an article about this (I know where it is - just have to look for it). And there are way to overcome it. When I know that the procedure will be long, I listen to a podcast on my iPod. I also have a guided imagery in there in case I need to calm myself.

Do you snack a lot? Are you an all-day grazer like I tend to be at times? You know, if you don't buy fattening snacks, it already helps. I you prepare healthy ones in advance, you've done much. What healthy snack do you like? Fruits? Dips? Nuts? Do you incorporate two snacks a day to your daily diet? When I do that, I react like a 5 year old (honestly, I doubt I've grown beyond five at times). I kind of skip to the kitchen because it's snack time lol, and I get to go on a break.

Therapy has probably helped in that you know that you need to do these things for you and for your well-being. But it's up to you to take the first steps and implement these into your life. Sometimes we hold onto unrealistic expectations about doing these things (e.g. I will go to the gym every day for an hour 6 times a week). IMHO, we are only setting ourselves up for failure when we do this because it's really difficult to chance habits. So pick one or two things to work on, and work on it for the next month. It's not realistic to incorporate everything at once, either.

No shame, okay? No beating yourself up, okay?

Hugs,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 10:37pm
last night i had another coach teleclass and i talked about why it's hard for me to incorporate changing habits into my life. i still hear my mother's voice telling me to do these things. but they had some good suggestions: like joining a mother-daughter support group, being grateful for her caring interest, even though she's a nudge; working on this area within my coaching framework; taking responsibility for myself and not blaming everything on her. it was very healing and for the first time i thought about adding group therapy to my thrapy framework. someone suggested a good website which has teleconferencing and live self-help groups: meetup.com. i'll check it out.
i also heard the si video that hazelnut suggested. besides the video on si, it also has other mental health topics: depression, bipolar, etc. in each case, children or teens and their families are interviewed, professionals give their opinions and recommendations are provided. a very good resource.
as for myself and the dentist--it's not the fear of dentistry. i've had enough treatments not to be afraid anymore. as long as there's no pain, it doesn't bother me. sometimes i take a painkiller before i go in in order to relax and numb the pain somewhat. i'd rather have the novacaine--a momentary pain--and theknow there won't be anymore pain after that. a novacaine i can endure.
what then is the problem? sounds silly, really, but it's the daily dental regime. i don't brush my teeth regularly--i suck on mint candies a lot. it's resulted in gum problems. if i would just do this simple measure i wouldn't be facing the gum problems i now have. it's that simple. every time i've gone to the dentist he's told me to tighten up on this measure and i always promise i will. this time i'll do it, i tell myself, and it works for a few days or weeks, depending on my determination. and then it slips away again;. just like the exercising, just like the clutter, etc. i guess in its own way, the lack of proper basic health care could be considered a si behavior of sorts, if you define si as anything that ultimately hurts oneself--just like being obese is hurting oneself. you are right that these patterns, the si patterns, are addictive. that's how the whole thing came out in the coaching teleclass--it all started from my wanting to improve my health habits, and i was asked why that's hard. that's how my mother came up. i realize that she's only an excuse. if i want to change i have to take responsibility for it.
that's what's so frustrating about this whole thing--whatever the habit, be it nail-biting, exercising, cutting hair, brushing teeth, clutter cleaning--i can keep it at bay for awhile, keep up the psositive changes for awhile, but the old patterns return.
this week i looked at my heals. remember how i used to pick at them? well, i haven't done that for quite a long time and the skin has actually healed totally. i used a pumace stone to smooth off some rough edges and i liked the feeling of the smoothness. this showed me that if i just let the affected area heal properly, it can be restored to its former self. i felt good and satisfied within myself that i was able to overcome this habit before it became ingrained.
i've spent the past few days blogging, or trying to at any rate, and it hasn't been going easily for me. everyone says it's easy. i just can't seem to get the hang of it. can you send your blog address again, Poppy?
i've been obsessing about it--my efforts at trying to blog. it's very frustrating.
right now my cuticles are in pretty good shape. i hope i can keep them that way. i've also been sleeping better, which is encouraging. and the house repairs are progressing--the end is finally in sight, although there is another full week of work ahead. so, that's it for now. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 1:16am

Questions:
a. Do you think that you are setting yourself up for failure because you undertake to change too many things at once? We all do not like to make changes. We resist them. If we implement too many changes at once, at one point it becomes too much for us especially if there are old tapes playing in the background.

b. What are the old tapes playing in the background. If it's your mother saying something, what is she saying? How is that making you feel - I'm using the present tense because obviously you are still holding on to that belief about yourself.

I think there's a board here for mother-daughter relationships... hmm... let me try to find it. Okay, I can't find it but I did find two boards which might help:

* Toxic Relationships http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rltoxicrelat
* Venting about Family and Friends http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlfamilymatt

I'm going to check the site you mentioned later in the week!

Here's my blog url: http://members.ivillage.com/cl-libelulle I try to blog at least once a week, but I didn't blog this past week. There were ideas, but my mind was just too full of worries and thoughts that I was processing, and I couldn't focus enough to write. But in general, I do give myself a goal - write at least once a week on either Monday or Tuesday morning. Writing is NOT easy. Maybe it's because I don't want it to become a blog about my every day life (nothing fascinating about that rofl). Maybe it's because I'd forced myself to stay quiet about the abuse for such a long time that talking about anything is difficult. Maybe it's because for such a long time for me standing out equaled putting myself in danger. I know it's not true and I have stood out at times but it's still difficult.

ConnectCarnival, http://groups.ivillage.com/connectcarnival, gives you a writing prompt each Tuesday. The Daily Grind, http://groups.ivillage.com/qotd, its sister group, has small prompts daily.

Other good source for writing prompts:
* http://www.creativewritingprompts.com/ (more geared towards creative writing though there are some good ones for blogposts)

* http://journalingprompts.com/

Tell me if neither work for you, because of the way the website is set-up. When your cursor goes over these rows of stars or numbers, there's a little pop-up (not a window pop-up, it's still within the page) with the prompt. But I can give you a few prompts each week if you remind me!


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