Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

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Hi Tziporah,
Yes, thankfully the shower is over.
Congrads on a job well with the shower and with the cake. Yay for all the cake getting etaten up. Yay for a good turn-out. Yay for not having tohandle bridemaids. and I hope your mom gave you a compliment about the job well done as well.
I can also doze off to music. In any event, I also find it very relaxing.
And, before I forget, everything is now working with the computer, speakers, etc. and I'm glad you found your earphones.
The answer to women praying in Judaism is as follows:
in the Orthodox tradition, women do sit behind a screen, or often in a galery above the men's section. Men lead the prayers. This is for several reasons:
a. Separation of the sexes allows for both sexes to concentrate on the prayer and not be sidetracked by the other sex. The best way to illustrate is to share a story I once heard from a Christian friend. She was telling me how she met her husband. It was in church. She kept looking at him--he was in the row in front of her. It's that kind of thing that the separation avoids, because it is recognized that sexual attraction is a very strong force and drive and is powerful enough to distract worshippers from the serious business of praying. If I am correctl, zIslam also has separation of the sexes in prayer.
The other denominations in Judaism, Conservative, Reform and Reconstructionist, allow men and women to sit together and consider separation of the sexes as outdated.
b. Due to the fact that women menstruate, there are certain things in the service they can't do while in that state--such as handling the Torah scroll.
c. According to Jewish law, a quorum of ten is necessary in order to say certain prayers. Women are not included when counting the number of men for a quorum. The significance of the well-known Bar Mitzvah is that it is at that point a male becomes a "man" in the religious sense--taking upon himself the obligations of all Jewish males. It is at age thirteen. For women, the age is twelve. At that age they take upon themselves the obligations of Jewish adult women.
d. The difference also stems from the general Jewish philosophical approach that men and women are different from each other and that each gender has different primary obligations. This is not to say that women are inferior--which is a general misconception--just that they are different. In the traditional mindset, the main obligation of women is to care for the children. If they had to pray three times daily in a public quorum of ten, as do men, this would interfere with their domestic obligations. Therefore, they are exempt from this, as well as many other religious obligations required of men.
In actual fact, although women cannot lead the service in Orthodox circles, they definitely are encouraged to pray in the synagogue, when it does not interfere with their responsibilities in the home. Just like men, tthey participate by following along in the prayer book and reciting the same prayers as men. In Judaism, there is a prayer leader and both men and women respond to the prayer leader according to the liturgy.
The Penitential prayers are notobligatory for men nor for women. My husband goes for the entire forty day cycle--with breaks on the Sabbath, when there are just the normal prayers. These special prayers are said in pre-dawn. Many women go to them. I try to go to them once or twice a week. There was a time when Iused to go to the whole thing, but I have so much going on now, I find that hard to do.
Finally, in Judaism, there are many informal opportunities for prayer. There is individual prayer, small groups that say the Psalms, and prayer rituals for the home. I like reading the Psalms with my husband. Many women have formed their own groups where they say this. In public, though, whether at home or in the synagogue, if men and women are both present, defference is given to the men to lead.
I think many religions follow this kind of thing in one way or another. The Aglican church, Episcopaeleans, are famous for their all-male choirs. The priest leads the prayers in the Mass, while the nuns have their own prayer rituals which exclude men. In Islam prayers are lead by men. I have also seen this to be the case in native American, Buddhist, and Hindu worship. So it is not a Jewish thing only.
Depending on how I feel, sometimes I'll go everyweek to Sabbath prayers, and sometimes I won't go for quite awhile. Right now, I'm not going. I have friends who also go during the week. I have never done that on a regular basis.
A long answer for a short question.
Tziporah
web: istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
Thank you so much for your long explanation.
Hi Karen,
Thanks for your marriage story. I think if you asked most people, they'd say the person they married was the one they NEVER expected to marry.
For myself, someone set my husband and I up to meet at someone's house. I was totally not in themindset. Ihad just broken up with someone, was fed up with guys in general, and not searching. Well, I decided to go, because the person who set it up was important to me and I didn't want to refuse her after all the trouble she had gone through to arrange it. I didn't dress up--went casually, and my thought was: "this will be over in an hour." Little did I know. As the saying goes: "the rest is history!"
The winner of the contest I entered was announced. It wasn't me. But I had already prepared myself for that, so I wasn't surprised or defeated emotionally when they said who it was. In fact, the person who won it relly did deserve it--he had done a lot of work and helped a lot of people out during the training program, so it was fair.
BIG NEWS! Yesterday we signed the contract for the elevator! The time frame is seven months from start of work to finish. Of course I'm nervous, anxious, tense, etc.
I had a therapy session last night, instead of the usual Thursday. I told my t. about my nervousness. He said that was normal. It came out during the day in various ways: my fingers were almost healed and then I started to pick at some of them again. And I had another of those haircutting episodes. In the morning I was feeling pretty good about my hair, telling myself it was just starting to grow out. Then, in the afternoon, a few hours after the contract signing, I started cutting it again and also did it in the evening. Just writing about this I feel tense. It seems like just when my fingers are 99% fine, or my hair is just really starting to grrow in, I go and blow it. Why is that? Actually, there is a story about that kind of thing, but I have to look for it. It's about an alcoholic who is sober for 11-1/2 months, and just before his first year of sobriety is about to happen, he goes and blows it and gets stone drunk. It's like--I can't really believe I'm passing this landmark. Well, I really should go look for that story, but I think that's what it is--the reason behind it.
Tziporah
web: istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hello Karen,
This is a continuation of the message I started before. I looked up the source for the story I wrote about. It's in the book, Seek Sobriety, Find Sernity, by Abraham Twerski, M.D. He's a psychiatrist, an expert in addictions, and also a rabbi.
For anyone who wants to see the entry, it's on the page dated Jan. 30 and called "Morbid Expectations."
RMy intuition was right. The story fits me to a "t".
It's about this guy, who just a few days, (not a few weeks) before his first year anniversary of one year being sober, goes and gets drunk. When questioned about it, he said that yes, things had been going better in his work and marriage, but, IT COULDN'T LAST! Something, he knew, would happen to blow it all. He would tense up with every ringing of the phone, kinowing that this was going to be the message of doom and disaster. So, in order to get the suspense over with, he blew it himself.
So, how does this connect to me and my starting to bite my fingers JUST when they're finally healed, or cutting my hair JUST when it's finally starting to grow out?
Twerski said this phenomenon is called "morbid expectations", because the person experiencing it thinks that something bad, something morbid, is going to occur. Or, that because they're jinxed, or because nothing in their life that's ever been good has lasted, or because they're so used to failing and this current thing is sure to fail as well,--for all those reasons they can't expect succes or things to be different this time. Plus, the aiticipation of the unknown, that at anyu moment the bad thing could happen, is so hard to bare, they get it over with.
I read this explanation and could very easily identify all of these things in myself. In another piece about anticipatory anxiety, Twerski says it's like a person walking across a mine field. My leg hasn't been blown off, but the next step may be the one--I'll step on a mine and bam!
My therapist has told me all this. I have a lot of anticipatory anxiety. That's what he talked about last night. This feeling of spiders crawling under the skin. Like--we've signed the elevator contract, but how can I know it will all go okay without a hitch? How do I know it will all go okay without money problems? Especially because a neighbor of ours who put in an elevator really got screwed up. But, as Shabtai points out, he didn't take a lawyer--which we did, and he didn't use a company which specializes in this kind of work--which we did. So, even though I know the differences between this guy and me are very significant and considerable, from the start I've always had this apprehension that we're going into something over our heads.
My t. tells me that this is so typical of me--I anticipate all sorts of things and 99% of them never turn out, or even if they do, it's much less than I thought, and I am able to mnage it.
In this case, Shabtai has made sound financial plans to back himself up, so there really is no reason to worry. That's what I have to keep reminding myself.
Or, taking another example. Last week, I was getting ready to do work and the internal disk in the computer burned out. Fortunately, the vast majority of my files were on backup, but it cost me a a few days of work. So, what happened? This past Monday morning I was ready to work and bam--the computer erased everything! At that moment, I had this feeling, "I'm being jinxed. Just when I'm finally ready to get down to work, the computer blows." The technician couldn't come till the afternoon, which meant I lost a good morning's worth of work. The problem?--my antivirus pack had expired. Fortunately, he had just put in new hard disk inside, so nothing was lost. And it took about five minutes to put in the new antivirus software. But that feeling of being jinxed. And just now it happened again. I had started writing this message and usddenly the computer just stalled. I had to play around with the mouse to get it to restart, which it finally did. But I kept having these thoughts. "I can't believe this ishappening tome. I just spent a lot of money fixing the thing and also putting in the new antivirus. It's only worked for three days--Monday to Thursday." That jinxed feeling.
Plus the things about success. I've always had the feeling that I've had more than my share of failures--and have always been trying to succeed. I keep thinking this business will finally be my success. After not having children. After never hving a job--a real, consistent job.
I guess all of that is part of it. My t. has said that the difference between now and before is that now I'm starting to take controlof things, control of my life, and that makes me anxious. And running a business, managing the elevator, all those things require big decisions.
Finally, Twerski says the antidote is trust in G-d. Well, I may be a religious teacher, but I certainly need to develop that more.
So, I guess this story really does fit me.
Plus, as you can well imgine, with my parents' visit coming very soon, I am tense. My t. said last night that that's nothing new--except this time I'm still able to function despite the anxiety. He said just to keep doing the work, keep doing the things I need to do, and disregard the negative thoughts and the anxiety. I haven't even told them about the elevator yet--figure I'll wait to see how it's shaping up when they come. Other issues also making me anxious about their visit--but I'll leave that for another time.
Tziporah
web: istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
funny how people find each other in this world and get married.
Hello, Karen,
You're right on every count.
Fear of success is a complicated thing. Twerski, the same person I quoted yesterday, says it has to do with increased responsibility. Once you are successful, more demands will be placed on you, and that increases the anxiety--will I be able tomaster these new demands? So a person sabotages the success to avoid getting into that situation of increased demands.
You are also right about the expectations and the results being a letdown.
Yesterday I had a pivotal conversation with my husband. My ambivalence about the elevator is nothing new. I felt it from the start. The realization that my husband neededit, vs. the fact that if it was just me, I wouldn't even start on such a project--and the fact that I don't even need it for myself.
Eventually, over the course of this period of planning, which has been almost a year-and-a-half, my husband caught on to it. I tried to resolve to wholoeheartedly go along with it and uproot the ambivalence.
Anyway, on Wednesday we had signed the contract. We had decided that after the contract signing, we could go the Whaailing Wall, (also known as the Western Wall, or just the Wall), to pray and thank G-d for it. That was to be yesterday, Thursday. This week has been extremely hot with temperatures hitting 100 degrees everywhere. So I started asking questions of myhusband like: "Have you heard about the weather?" "Don't you think we should postpone this till next week when it cools down a little?" etc., etc. He said, "We're going." I said to myself, "okay--he's the spiritual head of our houseand I respect his authority." Don't misunderstand--not that he bosses me around, but in the religious concept of the home, he is the king, and I'm the queen so to speak. So, as the king, he has the final say--thus, he is the spiritual head of the household. Don't worry--in actuallity, he defers many times to the queen--laugh.
Well, I made that decision to defer to his wishes. Only now, writing this story, do I realize that probably, unconsciously, here was another instance of ambivalence. Consciously, I was thinking of the last time we were at the Wall, which was about a month ago. Then it was also very hot--not as hot as now--and I was very uncomfortable.
In Judaism, the Western Wall, is considered the Holiest place of prayer.
Anyway, back to the main story. We took a taxi up to Jerusalem. Another reason for ambivalence. Money is tight, and hiring a driver for the day cost about $200. If it was up to me, I would have just taken a bus. But, it wasn't up to me.
Anyway, during the ride I said something about the elevator, and my husband turned to meand said: "You're talking about it as if it's my elevator--not our elevator." I think this was the first time he confronted me directly with this.
I said, "You're right. It's our elevator."
That's how quick the conversation was, but it was really pivotal. Pivotal, not only because he confronted me about my ambivalence and brought it out into the open to be dealt with, but because I realized this is the pattern as well for many things. He was whole-heartedly ready to go ahead with the infertility treatments. I could never completely get into it, although I tried very hard. I worked on that for about two years in therapy. A lot of ambivalence that I could never completely uproot because ofunderlying anxieties. This time, with a lot more therapy under my belt, I recognized all of this and said' "Okay, it's our elevator." and I meant it, really meant it.
Perhaps it is because there is one mjaor difference. All the other times were prior to the contract signing--just theory. But after the contract, it's for real! and money's been paid to people already, documents signed, etc. It's concrete. Literally--concrete on the ground, and metaphorically-this isn't theory anymore.
Writing about this now, I recall something I read in a marriage book , that after the marriage, the couple has to start thinking in terms of "us" and not "You and me", "ours", and not "mine" or "yours" etc. Anyway, when I made this decision, I felt a shift in myself.
As it turned out, we spent about four hours at the Wall. I found a good place to sit in a small air conditioned room that is adjacent to the Wall, so as far as the heat was concerned--no problem. But there was a lot of activity going on--very crowded, so it was a real challenge to concentrate. Anyway--we both had decided to recite the entire book of Psalms, so it take a few hours. Then, we went out to lunch, which was very pleasant. A satisfying day. Moral--my anxieties about the heat didn't materialize--anticipatory anxiety did not materialize. Very typical.
My fingers weren't in such great shape and that was embarrassing. As I got deper into the recitation of the Psalms, I was able to pray about many things and my mind moved away from my fingers.
Right now, I'm finding writing to you and reading what you have to say back, as potent and as revealing as any therapy session.
I am sure that is partly because the sessions are now once-a-week, but I also think it's the group therapy effect, so to speak.
Tziporah
web: istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
You had what is called a "aha" moment.
I hope you're feeling better. I also hope you're getting the lanudry done! Luagh. Seriously, I'm glad your husband found some kind of work to do, even if it's temporary and has to take him out of town. What's he doing?
That whole thing about therapists earning money off my back--I had that a lot when I was a teen and forced to go to therapy. I often thought she was just keeping me there so she could earn more money off of me. I know therapists get paid, but as an adult, my therapists had been really caring and only very occasionally did I think they were keeping me in it for the money. My last t. has been very fair. He has never raised his fee in all the years I've seen him. Maybe it's because we work over the phone--but when either of us has to change plans, we're flexible about it and he's never charged me for missed appointments. With my first t. as an adult, there was one time I was in the middle of an important meeting. I called him up and he said, "Well, within the context of the therapy, I understand this is important." and he didn't charge me for cancelling at the very last second. But he was a stickler for punctuallity, and if I was late, he'd deduct it from my hour.
The thing I'm most nervous about now with the elevator is what people will ask me, especially nosy people, and how to respond to them. I'm also nervous about the money thing--after my present money runs out, then what? I've been having that thought a lot. I keep trying to remind myself that by the time that happens--I have a minimal amount for two years--I'll be starting to earn money. But then all the doubts about the business come up: like: "who were you kidding to think you could do this?" or, "with all those big name coaches out there, who do you think you are?" I then try countering this by reminding myself that I'm offering an approach I haven't seen anywhere else yet.
My web designer is doing some major upgrading of the website right now, so by the end of the week you should be able to see some major changes on it.
I know this is all sabotaging self-talk. I'm really working hard on trying to counter that.
I am also trying to increase my trust in a Higher Power.
Tziporah
web: istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hey Tziporah,
As for all that talk about who are you with all those other more well known coaches out there, they all started at the beginning just like you are.
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