Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
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Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
| Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am |
Hi Tziporah,
I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.
I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.
Welcome again!
(PS: I love the sound of your name!)

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Sounds like you had a real tough therapist. The aggressive type.
Well, if I didn't see some improvements, I would have quit this guy a long time ago.
I guess the really good ones have to be tough sometimes.
I just wonder if they've ever sat in our chair--gone tthrough what they put us through! haha.
In the morning I'm usually more optomistic. Last night had a lotof doubts about the business again. Who am I kidding?
Depressed about a lot of thing.
Just seeing a long line of bills in front of me.
I got another one of these promo emails promising that "if you just use my formula, you'll be a successful coach." They are so tempting. I'm just ignoring them because I can't afford their fee.
Still, I feel like everybody else, all these supposedly rich gurus, who started from zzilch and are now making millions, were somehow just lucky--like they just got the knack right, and I can't seem to get into that.
Most of the training programs say the "get rich quick" guys are either frauds, scams or both.
So far, I am able to resist, but as money gets harder, it gets harder to resist.
Well, a lot of feelings about other things going around in my head as well.
Watching movies a lot. Diversion-addiction-escapism. Probably all of these things.
Tziporah
web: istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
Yep, she was a tough therapist.
She sounds like my therapist. I guess after what she went through in Bosnia you knew she was real--not just one of those therapists who's learned from the textbook and that's all.
Once my current therapist told me his father had died. It helped knowing that because I realized he's also experienced real pain.
Well, I got the ultimatum lastnight in therapy. He' said he refuses to hear me complain any longer. If that's all I want to talk about, well--that's okay--just no more therapy.
I know that he's right. It's just that I don't know how to tell new stories to myself--and he said that's the problem exactly, my problem exactly.
Somehow I'm not able to think of it differently than in the old, outdated ways.
After the session, which was at night, I went to sleep.
Today I woke up and said, "okay, if not now when? It's the Jewish New Year. starts Wednesday night. time for a new beginning. Time to make a break with all the old things I've been telling myself. I won't tell myself those negative things anymore.
Well, I am now stuck in a technical jam. The computer is working, but I can't get into the internal pages of my website. If I can't do that, it means I'll have to have someone else do it for me. Like a virtual assistant. More money.
It's costing so much to get anything done on this business and I haven't even started yet!
The more expenses, the more I feel like I'm drowning.
How are you supposed to turn that kind of story around?
That's what my therapist wants me to do.
I'm not opposed to getting a virtual assistant. I just thought I wouldn't need one right away--even before I got started, but it seems like that may very well be the case--and I have no idea where that is going to come from. I'm stretched to the max as it is.
My parents.
Have them help.
And that's really hard for me.
I told my therapist yesterday, "You know all the things they've said. It's like I'm a charity case."
and he said, "No, you're not a charity case. You're a charity institution. Just like all charity institutions you need contributions. It's not ike you were gambling at a cassino or something. Your husband had a kidney transplant. He needs the elevator because he has trouble wlaking. Why can't you see the fact that your parents have money as a blessing?"
It's having to NEED them as an adult. I thought I'd be self-sufficient by now, not dependent on them anymore.
And he said, "it's not like you're not independent. You've done a lot without them. But you need them. Many people have been hit hard by the financial downturn."
That's the way the sessions have been going.
Tziporah
web: istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
Sorry I was away for a bit.
I've also been away--the Jewish New Year was last week--Thursday and Friday, followed by the Sabbath. three days away from the computer. yay! laugh!
Then I had my modem burn out--just the latest in a string of computer failures. Only now, Thursday, everything is more or less back to normal. The elevator builders indvertently cut our phone line, which is why the modemburned out when I tried connecting to the internet--although I could still talk on the telephone. But I couldn't get a lot of business done and now have a tremendous backlog. Plus, next week is another Jewish holiday. So I have a lot going on.
Shabtai, dear heart, bless him, said that this could actually be a good thing--my internet not working--as it would give me time to really concentrate on spiritual things, which is in fact appropriate for this time of year. So, I let it go. Having him say that really helped. In fact, I rather enjoyed not having the computer stress--and this bothers me--and I guess I'll talk about that in therapy tonight.
I also did find the stay with friends over the New Year holiday less stressful than I anticipated. I thought I wouldn't have anything to talk about with the hostess where we were, but to mysurprise, I did find things to talk about. I made more of an effort, I guess you could say. Still, it was quite hot and that was uncomfortable. First thing I did when we got home was take a long shower.
This ssweating thing is really becoming problematic--not just related to the heat, but to the menopause. I can be cool one minute, and then break out in dripping sweat. It's so uncomfortable.
As far as my fingers are concerned--up and down, really not terrific, anxious a lot and that leads me to biting them. They don't look so great right now.
You're right about needing our parents. It would help if they could be less patronizing about it.
I thought of that a lot--our need for our parents. I watched a really sweet movie on youtube a couple of times, "One Special Night" with James Garner and Julie Andrews. For once, a nice movie with no sex in it! Anyway, the main plot centers around Garner, who plays a man who's wife is near death, and Andrews, who is a widow. They get stuck together in a snowstorm and fall in loe. The subplot, and this is the part I'm referring to, is about Garner's daughters and their need for their parents as adult children. Their need for them emotionally. I really have been thinking about this.
If you can get speech output on your computer then you won't have so many headaches. Speech output allows you to "hear" the text on the page. A lot of times, I don't read the Braille. I just listen to it. It's very good. If you want more info about that, let me know.
I'll be on and off here during the next few weeks,until the Jewish fall holidays are over.
Tziporah
web: istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hooray Tziporah!
I'm proud of you making the effort and you reaped the rewards of that effort.
A lot of major things have unexpectedly happened over the past few days.
Last Saturday was a major fast day in the Jewish calendar. We went to friends for the day and spent most of it in the synagogue. Both Shabtai and I felt spiritually elevated by the experience. I felt "spiritually cleansed", if you know what i mean. I hadn't felt that way for quite some time. Of course, there was a lot of time to sit and think, as the services are very long andlast for hours. That is sometimes a good thing, so I am not intending this as a complaint. Far from it. Sometimes we just need to close totally down, get away from our normal environments, and concentrate without the distractions of food and other everyday stuff.
Well, afterwards, Saturday night, we were on our way home and someone asked us if we had heard from anyone in our area. We hadn't. Well, we were then told the news: Shabtai's mother had been found lying on the apartment of her floor. It turned out she had a major stroke. Needless to say, that shattered all the spiritual high we had been experiencing. It seems that her speech has been severely affected and part of her body is paralyzed. A real mess, especially since Shabtai's dad is also quite unwell--very old and with advanced senility.
Everything has been turned upside down and there are a lot of questions about how the family will cope with both of his parents so severely ill. His sister is really bearing the brunt of the burden. We could be more involved, but since Shabtai's mother can't speak, and both of us are blind, it makes communications between us and her even more difficult. She can hear what we say and seems to understnd, but beyond nonverbal cues, which we cn't see,and various vocal sounds, it's very hard. Shabtai has been once to the hospital to see her and I plan to go again with him during the next few days. He is obviously quite distraught and sad.
Besides that, my computer problems aren't over yet! I have my webpage up and really want to move forward. But there is a catch 22. My software can't edit anything beyond the homepage. it can link to the inner pages from the homepage, but to change text on the inner pages, I require sighted assistance. Right now, tech support teams are trying to figure out a solution.
This has triggered a lot of feelings, some of which I was able to talk about in
therapy. I still want to be independent, and this whole thing smacks of blind-dependency again, especially if there is no solution to the problem. Also, I talked about how to progress from here with the web designer. I want to start doing other things, like starting my newsletter and writing articles, but if I can't manage this website myself, then I will need a virtual assistance. That will also become quite expensive, he thinks, if I have to use one constantly. I feel really stuck.
It's also this feeling that as I progress, or try to move forward, things seem to be getting more difficult, more stressful, not less so. My therapist keeps trying to challenge all of these thoughts. Some of it has to do with my perceptions as a blind person and how I feel about dependency. I want to be self-sufficient. Part of it has to do with the fact that it's hard work and not that much fun. I always found what I did before I became religious much more fun, and I can't do the things I did then now--because they are prohibitted under Orthodox Jewish law. Everything was so much easier. He says that is the nature of life--that life gets more complicated, not less so, and I still haven't accepted that.
Perhaps the thing that rang most true for me from this last session, was the feeling that I feel that somehow I'm always being jinxed, that just as I want to move forward, something ALWAYS happens.
We took for an example an incident from a totally different area. I decided to bake a huge batch of bread for the upcoming holidays. It was Monday afternoon. Quite hot--and the three bowls of bread dough rose quickly. Smooth sailing--until the power went out. It was a general power failure from the electricity, not just us. And I had this feeling: "Just when I finally have it all together, something always happens and--I'm prevented from reaching my goal." My therapist pointed out that eventually the electricity did come back--after about 2 hours and I did reach my goal of baking a large amount of bread. Did I want to focus on the eventual success, or the feeling of being jinxed?
Well, yesterday there was another computer complication. This time, one of the shift keys got locked. A hundred Shekels, about 25 dollars, to the tech guy to just have him come and unlock the jammed key.
My t. also told me I'm due for another payment. I can continue, but I'll have to pay in smaller installments. At least its only once a week.
Sometimes I doubt whether the therapy is still worth having. But then, he still raises points that cause me to consider and think, just like this point of feeling jinxed, that everyone else but me has it easy.
Tziporah
web: istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Hi Tziporah,
I wish I had more time to respond to you.
Hi Tziporah,
I'm back now and I have time to talk.
I am so sorry to hear about your MIL.
You're right. I can you a webmaster. More money. But then, everything costs money.
It also has to do with this dependence thing.
i went to see my mil for the first time last night. She recognized me and said a few words.
Still, there is a need to have someone there most of the time.
Shabtai and his sisters and I were all there and we were looking for someone to be with her Friday morning. Everyone in the immediate family has obligations on Friday. Finally we found someone who was willing. When her husband heard about it, he said, "How much is she going to get paid?" That made me so angry--like taking advantage of someone in their hour of need.
Shabtai and I would be willing to help out, but with her iability to communicate verbally, mostly she makes gestures with the one hand she can move, (the right hand is still imovable), it's very hard for us as blind people to really understand what she wants. That makes me angry--that my blindness really puts me at a disability, disadvantage. And it just reminds me once again about dependency. The whole negative part of dependency. Needing others for everything.
It's all right when you're a baby to have to be dependent on others. It's very different as adults.
This is one of the main issues we've been working on in therapy.
I'm curious. about this webmaster thing. How much does your son charge for his services?
I am really sorry to hear about the mortgage thing. I know that's something you didn't want to have to do--move in with your mother or to sell your house.
I understand Louisiana is very depressed right now--the hurricane, the oil slick, etc. Where would you think of moving to?
Thanks for all of your words of encouragement and strength.
I guess I'm just angry right now. I have always had trouble with this core anger. After what happened last night with my mil, and trying to find help, it just flared up again.
Tziporah
web: istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
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