Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 4:54pm
Wow, that unemployment rate is a scary thing, sad too because it makes one wonder how much of the rate is due to descrimination. :(

Your husband makes me laugh. Yes, it's sometimes easier to hear things from someone other than the person we love. lol

Making friends on message boards is so much easier for many of us, myself included, than making friends who live close by. Strange, but true. I think you're on to something when you say it's less threatening.

I hope you got some good rest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 3:49pm
Hi Karen and Amy, Thanks for your messages. They help--at least I know people are thinking of me. I have rested, but I'm feeling more and more depressed. Nothing seems to help right now. A lot of people have suggested volunteering as a way of getting out of the house and feeling needed. Maybe...but my t. says I'm doing enough volunteering as it is. What I really need to be doing is something to make money. After all, all my teleclasses and live classes are for free. So I am volunteering. I know you'll say: "but this is outside the house." true, true. Then that brings up the awful question: "what kind of volunteering?" Anyway, Karen, what you said about money--that it's predestined. Sounds very fatalistic to me. When you talk about your "station in life and nothing you can do will change it"--I was reminded of the caste system in India. that's why all the Untouchables"--who are now thankfully called "childrenof god"--could never get out of their poverty, at least not in the present life. for that, they had to be reincarnated. plus the fact, how do you square that with all the from-rags-to-riches stories? if there's nothing we can do about it, then why even try? i just find that kind of philosophy antithetical to my way of thinking--maybe because i was brought up never to subscribe to it. "blurting it out in therapy"--i've done that. he says it's just a repetition of the same old insecure thoughts again. i've been reading about that lately--trying to change my insecure thoughts to more secure ones. today i stumbled upon an entry about the relationship between that and self-image. that is a big part of it. Friday my parents and I talked. for the umpteenth time, my parents asked if i'm doing exercise daily. they do, of course--i'm glad they do. they're in their eighties and are in fantastic shape physically. well, the point is, i don't. i know i should. i know i'm gaining weight. i tried on a skirt and couldn't even get into it. Shabtai just says, "Okay, so get on the bike or treadmill we have and exercise." but it doesn't help. it's the motivation. then he said, "go too a gym." no money. not at least any to spare. i thought--just one more thing i have to fix. just like my therapist in high school and my current t. both have said, that i view myself as "defective goods." everyone else in the family, even if they have had to battle their weight at times, have been able to bring it down. they all have earned good money--which i'm happy for them for. my sisters and their husbands are near retiring age and i'm just getting started! in my teleclasses, the part of the class i'm teaching now, (we're using a coaching book), is talking just about this subject--changing thoughts. i was there, giving this stuff over the phone, and biting my cuticles. get it? really stressed out about the money thing. last week was really stressed out. very tired. watching my mil go through what she is going through is sometimes just so draining. blurting it out in therapy--he'd say, and rightly so, "we've been through that. you've been talking about it for years." i have doubts about the therapy, i have doubts about the antidepressant. he said maybe i should up the dose from 20mg to 30mg. he said it might help. i'm losing faith in these pills--to be honest. and he said, even with the increase in dose, it will only work if i change my thoughts--and i just can't seem to. i know that's what's making me depressed. i never thought i'd be weighing everything in terms of money. it feels like everything now is reduced to money--how much will it cost? do we have it? anyway, i read all these newsletters i get on successful coaches and other online moneymaking schemes. i just delete them. i feel like they're mocking me. they talk about latching onto affiliate market schemes where you can get rich quick, but most people say these guys are frauds, so i'm scared to try them. i just sit around doing nothing much. depressed. cold. raining. sometimes there are bursts of energy, like tonight--when an old friend who's visiting from the States called. or, yesterday, when I gave my bi-weekly class. but then it peters out. meanwhile, my cuticles are a real mess. i'm still taking the paxxil but am losing faith in it. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 01-30-2011 - 4:11pm
Hi Karen and Amy, I just posted, and then realized I forgot some important things. I had therapy on Thursday. It comes out at 7pm my time--which is 12pm in Canada. as you may recall, i've been having therapy by phone for years now. well, i got into this habit of lying in bed when i have it. it's very relaxing, comforting. well, last time i was so tired i almost dozed off. he knew it. just couldn't focus or concentrate. finally attributed it to the stress with my mil. Shabtai has started talking a lot more about it, how painful it is. surprisingly, at least to me it was surprising, after that, i suddenly "woke up" as it were. after that, though, dozed off again after the session. maybe i should sit up for therapy. also, i know what this si is all about. i still profoundly dislike myself, don't like myself. i used to like myself, when... the only thing, my t. keeps remindingme that those days when... are long since passed. i keep thinking/feeling, if i had made different choices then. but the truth is, if i had made different choices then, i wouldn't be married to Shabtai, i might not even be true to my faith or religious. i know all that, and yet it doesn't help, although it should. tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 10:49am
Wow, lots to digest... lol

Volunteering - it does seem you're already doing plenty of that, but if you think additional volunteering would be a good thing for you, something that gets you out of the house, then I'm all for it.

Defective Goods - I HATE that you think of yourself this way, it is so far from the truth. I also hate that you compare yourself to your sisters & their husbands. Your life is so different from theirs. Sure, you're "just getting started", but there is nothing wrong with that.

Changing thoughts - Easier said than done. I don't know a single person who isn't constantly working/fighting to change their thoughts from negatives to positives. In fact this is something we discussed in my Weight Watchers meeting this week. It's so easy to beat ourselves up for what we have done, but something we need to do is remind ourselves that it's done, we can't change the past, but we can do it better in the future.

Your MIL - I'm glad that Shabtai is talking about that situation more. I hope it's bringing him some relief to him to talk about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 01-31-2011 - 5:02pm
Hi Amy, Did some work in the morning, and then just laid around the rest of the day. wasted time. slept. listened to the same news over and over again on the radio--thinking, "this time they'll say something new." most of the time it was the same old stuff just rehashed. everybody here, like elsewhere, has got their minds focused on the unfolding situation in Egypt. as you can imagine, here it is a very sensitive issue. well, the BBC has a lot of coverage on it, and I guess you could say I've gotten a bit obsessed about it. but, as i said, very little new news. i could have just listened in the evening and would have caught up on everything that happened earlier. cold out. raining. not complaining--we need the rain. but just makes it more tempting to stay in bed. there was a health program on the BBC and they said cold weather exposure is actually healthy for body fat and energy. i didn't get the whole thing. but i tend to like being warm much better. this just made me feel even moe guilty--after all, if i could just go out and experience some of the cold and rain! anyway, to the things i said previously and your response. volunteering--just feels like one more passing-time device. but then,i guess that's what i'm doing now. i don't even think Shabtai gets how little i really do each day. he's out of the house most of the time, and when he's home, i try not to be in bed. besides that. mil. your right. yes. i'm glad Shabtai's talking more about it. i think after the intensity of talking about it last week, he talks less now--but it comes out sometimes, like: "it really hurts me she's this way." i agree. or just remain silent--which is also okay--give him a chance to speak his mind and heart. he's a very sensitive guy. so i know this is hitting him really hard. as for me, i have to be there on Tuesday and Wednesday when the physical therapist and speech therapist come. the physio is on Tuesday, the speech on Wednesday. i think the speech one is the harder to watch. because, even though she is still far from walking, the physio, who was my physio when i had back pain, says every time there's some improvement. with the speech, it's much more agonizing. i thought i'd help out some with the speech practice, but in fact it hasn't materialized. my sister-in-law says she can handle it. i don't know how much she's really doing, but i don't feel comfortable getting too involved. anyway, for that, going over there, i'll have to get dressed, een if it's raining and cold--predicted weather. so, i'll get out. but it's so depressing. anyway, besides that, still feeling overwhelmed. so many things that you're supposed to do in your business: facebook, twitter, webpages, figuring out how to get exposure. tons of newsletters all saying they have the perfect method to bring in more business. have gotten to hating them. all these quick-fix money schemes. not sure if they'[re for real or frauds. real angry when i read another story of another guy who when from broke to riches in weeks! at least that's what they claim. still taking the meds. don't find myself believing in it or in the therapy. maybe i've been with this guy too long. maybe what i need is new blood. i don't know. it's not so easy to find a good therapist, and he is good, so i don't want to be hasty. don't think puuing my dose will help either. i know it's not good to make decisions when deeply depressed, so i'm not doing anything. at least i've stoppped spending on all these training programs i used to get sucked in to buying--each one promising to be the magic bullet that would turn things around. i know i'm not defective goods--my therapists all say that. it's just that i have to believe it. it's still the same old thing--failure counts for so much, counts for everything, has so much weight, and the successes seem almost weightless, evaporating, one blimp of success in a sea of failure. i know i should be getting onto the exercise bike. maybe i have a fighting hance of getting my stomach flatter until my parents' next visit in Nov. but i still can't do it. no motivation. stuck. did i tell you i almost dozed off on my t. in the last session? wow, was i really out of it. a real mess. laugh. tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 02-01-2011 - 9:53am
You did mention nearly falling asleep on your therapist during the last session. I guess you were good and relaxed, huh? lol

I can't blame you for not wanting to get out in the cold and rain. I know it's good for us, fresh air and all, but bleh! I don't want to be out in yucky weather either (we have snow & ice here today and school was cancelled, so really nowhere to go - yay).

I can't tell you if it's time to change therapists or what to do in regard to medications. I can only say you have to do what you think is best.

I will tell you though, exercise can really help you feel better... not just physically, but mentally too. I know when I'm more active, I feel like I can do anything! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 12:57am
Hi Amy, Yeah, I was really relaxed. laugh. More like a depression doze. Well, the last few days I've been less dozy. Went to my mil's yesterday and have to go again today. Not really looking forward to it--but it's a family obligation. Someone has to be there when the therapists come because my sil is at work then. I know I should exercise--for the mental benefits--still not motivated. Fingers a mess. Picked at them when I woke up during the night. really should wear gloves. They're messed up now. very embarrassing--especially when I have to interact with others, hand them things (like money), etc. Interesting note: I was looking at a website: decisiveminds.com, and scanning the site, found a blog post which echoed a sentiment I had talked about a few posts back. Mainly, that nowadays, it's as likely that people will be friendly with msb and bloggers as they will with real life neighbors across the street. So I guess this is something a lot of people are thinking about. Today--more positive about therapy. I know the issues. Maybe he has to get tough with me again. give me an ultimatum. I don't know. just too overwhelmed to think about changing therapists, dealing with the meds, etc. Everybody here very concerned about the Middle East situation--Israel is in the middle of the hubbub--whatever happens in the region wil affect us. Everybody here tense. But then, everybody here--always tense. You have to live here to really understand that. Wow for the snow. Yay for a day off from school Where do you live? Finally, what does "bleh" mean? is it an email shorthand or just a coloq. expression? Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Wed, 02-02-2011 - 9:42am
LOL... bleh = ick, yuck, no fun.

I live in Colorado. We're used to snow, but this year has been unusually dry in the area of the state I'm in and this cold isn't as usual either. A few days below zero is normal, but it's currently 15 degrees farenheit below 0 and really, really cold which is why we have the "snow" days this week. Too cold for kids to be out in the weather waiting for busses or walking to school, etc. Plus when it's this cold cars and busses don't like to start sometimes.

I'm sorry about your fingers this morning. Wearing gloves probably would help, but would you pull them off during the night to get at your fingers?

Yes, I agree a lot of people are thinking about how much easier it is to be friendly online versus in real life.

Glad you're feeling more positive about therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 1:17am
Hello, Amy, Glad I don't live in Colorado. I hate the cold. Anyway, last night I heard there has been yet another huge snowstorm which has hit 1/3 of the U.S. Have you been affected? Picking at my fingers from time to time. If i put gloves on, i would wear them all night. it's just that i don't put them on. too lazy. too lazy about so many things. laugh. mood swings up and down. ysterday gave two teleclasses and went to my mil's. made lunch. in the evening, listened to the BBC again, which was giving live continuous coverage to what is going on in Egypt. justified myself by saying it's a historic occurrence--most people comparing it to the fall of the Berlin Wall, the downfall of Communism, and things like that. nobody really knows how things will unfold, but all here say it's unprecedented, what is going on over there. still, starting to realize i am avoiding things again. fears/anxiety about money, how will I manage the financial side of my business resurfacing. i realized that because i got a coach promo to put my name in a directory, a good thing to do, especially since it is for free. but i haven't done it. why not?: afraid. maybe i'm not really cut out to earn money. i don't know. my grandmothers, and the women in Shabtai's family didn't have to--at least not until now. i know it's from my youth, when I was told I'd never be able to manage money, or a business. anxious. so i procrastinate instead of taking action. just picked at my finger again. just writing this is making me feel nervous, so i'm going to sign off. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 9:44am
Thank goodness we didn't get snow, I think it's too cold for i to snow here, but even if it weren't the sky is such a pretty blue. Too bad it's 3 degrees right now. Brrr! At least it's warmer than it was 2 days ago.

I haven't been keeping up as much on the news from Egypt as you have. I've seen pictures though of the protestors and I know one of the American reporters and his crew was beat up pretty bad a day or two ago.

Well.... maybe it's ime for you to prove to those who told you that you couldn't succeed that they are wrong! You can do it.

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