Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:24pm
hi Amanda,
part of what's holding me back is my lack of practice. well, i got your email message. i've never seen an email address like the one that's attached to your note. i sent you a response using it and i hope it goes through. it was sent a few minutes ago. so, let me know if you got it or not. in any event, if you could write me a small note to my email address--which you have--with your email address printed out in the body of the letter, that would help.
if you got my email, you'll know what to do next. if you didn't get it, then i'll simply rewrite what i said in my original response. no problem. take care. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:10pm

Thank you for your offer. I'm going to have to take a rain check as right now I have a full plate!

I did think about becoming a life coach a few years back, but opted for jewellery design instead. With hindsight, I think I needed to be selfish at that time, and think of doing something that brought good things (and beauty) into my life and the life of others. The question popped up again a couple of years ago, and I've concluded that coaching isn't for me. In regards to helping other, I would be more interested in setting up and moderating peer support groups in real life (none exist here for the moment), and that is the direction I am headed for. It also makes more use of my skills, too!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:51pm

You know, Tziporah, reading your post made me think how unfair you are towards yourself, in the sense that you aren't giving yourself a fair image of who you are by magnifying/focusing on the negative and diminishing the positives that you had accomplished in the past. So how to give yourself a fairer, more objective image of you?

I also thought that you will make a terrific coach because you will be able to relate to your clients' anxieties!

Right now, I really can't tell you anything about the pain sensation, how to explore it and how to deal with it. I've been caring for my mother, so everything else has been put aside for the time being.

What has helped in the past is to start describing the pain. If it were a nut, what it shell would look and feel like. How big it would be. How thick the shell is. Its colour. How it would sound if I dropped it onto the floor, etc. I guess it helps to visualize it as something that can be taken out of my body, separate from it even though right now it might feel fused onto the body and difficult to separate from it. If I can imagine it as a nut, I can imagine a nut on a table, then taking a nutcracker to crack it open, and then imagine the nut inside. Where it comes from. The first time I saw it. Where I keep it in my body. What it does when it takes over. What it's telling me. Whose voice I hear. It's a bit going at it through the side door, but that's moi - I have to take it step by step!

Right now, though, all I am imagining is a pistachio nut and it's making me crave for one ;-)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 3:34am
it is not being selfish to want to add beauty into one's life and to the lives of others. my mother is an interior decorator and pleasing symetry and colors have always been very important to her--whether it's designing a house, in the clothes she wears, her make-up, her sculpting--which she doesn't do much of now. that's not my priority, but it certainly is important to her and i respect that. whenever she comes, friends always tell me how elegant she looks and it's true. she derives a lot of satisfaction from hearing how pleased her clients are. it's not an ego thing. she's really very good at decorating--tops. so, if that is your way of bringing pleasure and healing, right on. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 10:41pm
the last 24 hours have seen some victories and some relapses or setacks. maybe relapse is too strong a word.
i started to think about why i don't brush my teeth regularly. i had had a dream about it on Saturday--an argument with my mother about my sister and me brushing our teeth. i remember saying in the dream something like: "you can tell her what to do, but you're not going to tell me." i guess it's been on my mind. i read in an article last week that unless and until someone is really emotionally motivated to change, they won't, even if they are presented with all the logic in the world. it has to come from then. well, i guess i kept thinking about it. didn't like the taste in my mouth. i told myself, "stop analyzing and just do the behavior you want." that was yesterday morning. still, i didn't do it until yesterday afternoon--after lunch, brushed and flossed my teeth. the first time in about 2 weeks. i told myself this is an easy change--not hard like exercising. something i can handle.
my cuticles have been pretty good, but lying in bed last night, couldn't fall asleep and started to pick at one. finally, i stopped. then, this morning, i had a strong impulse to check on how my hair is growing out and again had a cutting episode. somehow, taking it off, cutting it off, i found i felt lighter, less of a heavy weight on my head. my goal has been to let it grow out by the time my mother comes--about two months from now. i told myself: even if i cut it now, i still have time to let it grow in. i also realized my mother herself has these kinds of ocd habits, not the same ones, but the same kind of tendencies. for example, if she finds she has a cracked fingernail, she has to file it off right away. i guess that's her way of achieving smoothness and symetry, just as mine is with the haircutting. i don't think i could point this out to her, though. she'd get defensive. still, it felt better once i was finished--now i don't have to worry about it for awhile. i am able to go for about a week now without checking it and then the urge to check how long it's grown comes over me... i'm feeeling a little general anxiety, but am doing okay generally. i'm starting to work with a coach on clearing out the clutter. we're still figuring out a systematic way to do it. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 5:07am

As you said, your mother's quest for symmetry and smoothness - through the way she dresses, the houses she decorates, etc - might be a way for her to be in control.

So what it is exactly that you are resisting when it comes to your mother/your mother's control?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 10:55pm
you said it exactly--it's all about symetry and control. nothing new--the therapists have been talking to me about my mother's control over me emotionally since day one in therapy. and, as my current therapist rightly points out, it's not that she's around so much. after all, 50 weeks out of the year she's not even here! it's the inner emotional control.
i've talked about it ad infinatum with him, but here goes, for what it's worth:
my mother is a perfectionist and i have always strived to be like her. the only problem is, the areasin which she is best at are the very areas that are most difficult for me: make-up, exercise, home business, housekeeping.
she learned organizing from her own mother, who was super at it. she played with make-up even as a little girl and maintaining her weight has always beena sensitive issue with her--she was a chubby kid and in her late teens made up her mind--never again. she lost weight and has kept it off since then.
she has a natural affinity and talent with and for art.
in her late thirties she decided to go back to school and start her own business and she has been quite successful with it.
pat of the problem, as my therapist points out, is that a lot of the things that she's good atare visual in nature: make-up, clothing, decorating, color, things at which i am at adisadanage.
i have never been a great organizer, nor am i finding it easy to get into this new business venture.
over the years, especially in their later lives, if anything, my parents have become even more health conscious--which i do admire frankly. they both go the gym religiously, havetaken to eating very healthfully--things i would like to do myself, but find very hard to implement.
that's the catch 22--the very things that she's good at are the hardest for me. my therapist says trying to reach these goals just adds stress and that is how the control comes about. i keep trying to do something that is impossible. i feel like i'm faioling because i'm not successful at it.
i also happen to like symetry, but my symetry is more of an auditory, tactile type: pleasing music, smooth surfaces, that kind of thing.
i have never thought of this before: but perhaps the nail-biting is a rebelion against my mother. she always has manicured nails, polish, filed nails, etc. and if a nail splits or something, she must get it attended to immediately. maybe there is something in that--i am not going to be you. i won't brush my teeth, exercise regularly, have nice-looking hands, styled hair, etc.
i'm sure that's partof it.
but at the same time, part of me would like some of these things--non-bloody cuticles, a firmer stomach, good dental hygiene. more than that, i would just like these things to come easily to me, but they don't.
i am more like my mother's sister. she was a tomboy, didn't mind staying in her bathrobe all day--something my mother would never do. she became a psychotherapist. i also am interested in emotional issues. we generally click well together. i feel more relaxed and comfortable around her than with my mother.
yesterday, i found out my parents are going to be coming for their yearly visit in October for 2 weeks. it was about 5:00 when i found out. what do you think i did? take a good guess.. shouldn't be too difficult. i sat in bed and ripped the side cuticle of my left thumb till it bled. i could immediately feel myself tensing up, getting anxious, just knowing that they're coming.
my parents also ask how the coaching studies are going. i know they're just being interested and curious, but it also adds tension. i have to succeed at this, prove myself, finally show i can produce financially, finsish something, get a degree. it really puts the pressure on.
i tried to remind myself of what my therapist always says: the visits have gotten muchbetter. i'm stronger. i can handle them. stilll, i already now that if there is a smudge somewhere or a dust problem, my mother will spot it immediately. if there is something amiss with this new painting job, and there probably is, my parents will spot it aned insist on fixing it. plus--my flabby stomach, my husband's weight, etc. etc. and, how could i forget?--my clothes.
oh, for the good old days when i could get by with wearing jeans and a shirt. no fuss.
well, those days are long gone. no pants allowed in the religious community. oh, well.
it feels getting all this out. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 6:57am
the last two days the nail-biting has been getting worse again. last night i was anxious about not being able to open an important email. i sat in bed and bit my right thumb and noticed the left thumb, which i had bitten on Monday, healed quickly. in the morning--today--i realized the right one was still raw and sore. i was disappointed. i had hoped it would have healed as quickly as the other finger had.
then there was a mishap at the bank with some checks. i bit my fifth fingers slightly,but i hurt my left third finger more. the anxiety--would it be straightened out or not?
i then came home and bandaged the right thumb and left third finger.
i am generally feeling more anxious.
activities with coaching are becoming more intense--connecting with others, homework, starting my own sessions with a coach.
also, my therapist is on his long summer break again.
and, of course, my parents[' upcoming visit is always in the back of my mind.
as is my desire to mae real changes.
in general, not sleeping well and starting to bite again. more stress.
from the latest incidents, i could tell this was a direct response to the anxiety.
i also started hair cutting agai. today i felt like brushing my hair. that would have been okay, except that i checked my hair. even though it is very short now, i still managed to find a few long strands and promptly cut them off. the only reason i stopped was because i had to run downstairs to catch a ride and i told myself--stop dawdling. you don't have time for this now. still, it felt better, the relief, once i had cut these strands off. i really should do deep breathing again. i know what to do. it's just doing it... Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 9:48pm
i was doing better, doing okay, until...
by Friday night, my hands were healing. i put olive oil on my hands and then covered them in golves--a very healing treatment and over the next two days i didn't handle them too much. i had a few brief hair cutting episodes, but was able to keep them down to a minute or two. i started to believe that this time would be different, better, that i could do it, get past the stage where i needed to cut my hands and my hair.
yesterday, after my husband left in the morning, i went back to sleep, just relaxed. this was better than trying to outpower the anxiety wave which usually hits me first thing in the morning. i've written about that before. during the day, i also tried to take care of some long-standing projects, and although they are too big to finish, i made the first tentative steps. by evening, i was feeling pretty good emotionally. still, getting into bed, a stream of anxiety and worries hit me. my husband asked me what i was thinking and i told him about some of it. he reassured me. that helped.
besides the regular stress with getting the house in shape, my parents' visit, the coaching school, etc., i am also working on a problem/challenge my therapist gave me before he left on vacation. that's how it goes--they go on vacation and let you work, sweat.
my husband just left and the overwhelming wave of anxiety hit me again. it doesn't happen every day, but some days are really intense. i told myself i wasn't going to bite my nails...after all, they're really at the healing stage. but even as i was saying this, i had already started to fondle them. i noticed my left hand is all healed, and my right hand had four fingers that are healing and one that was really okay. in the weird logic that is part of OCD, i decided that everything thad to be the same--it wouldn't work if all the fingers weren't in the same state. so, if all of the left hand was okay, all of the right hand would be sore. and so...you guessed it. i went at the fifth finger and made it bleed, even as i had just told myself i wouldn't do this. this time i would let them heal, etc. i really wished for someone who could come here and just grab my hands and prevent me from doing it.
the worst part is, after the finger bled and i should have been satisfied, the anxiety didn't stop right away. even as i chewed on the bitten off piece, it kept up its strength. now, writing this, it's subsided somewhat.
try to figure out what the anxiety is. i can figure it out. it's all the things i've mentioned, plus, my husband is going to be involed in a special prayer service which will take all day. he wants to do it, but he's very tired, and i guess i'm anxious about that. i know he'll be okay. he's done it before. but still... maybe it's also because i'll be here all day by myself and i know he won't be able to phone me during it--when he's involved in something religious, he rightly turns the cell phone off. i know i should put the gloves on, do the deep relaxation, etc. it will pass, like it always done.
all is not lost. if i can just hold on to what i've already got, resume where i've left off, allow the fingers to heal, put the gloves on, keep my fingers busy with other stuff, that would help.
i have another week-and-a-half till the damn therapist comes back. i hate it, but i know i need it again. i know wht i need to do in therapy, but it isn't easy, or going to be easy. help. give me some encouragement, support. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 10:58pm
((((((((Tziporah)))))))))



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