Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Belated Welcome, Shavtay2007
1100
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:32am

Hi Tziporah,


I am so sorry that this is such a belated welcome to you. I've been absent from the board for nearly a month - so many things have been happening in my life that it was difficult to also come here. The good news is that life has somewhat calmed down (but I'm still crossing my fingers and my toes), which means that I'm back on iVillage.


I am so very happy to see you here, participating and sharing in our conversations! I hope that we'll get to know each other better in the coming weeks.


Welcome again!


(PS: I love the sound of your name!)


Please visit these other great message boards:
Cranio-Facial Abnormalities
In Vitro (IVF)



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 9:24am
What a nice, understanding guy! :)

I think they can usually tell when a new student needs help vs is a troubled kid. I'm glad at least that principal recognized that you weren't at all bad.

Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Tue, 03-15-2011 - 2:46pm

Yep, Amy, he was a nice guy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Fri, 03-18-2011 - 3:03pm
Tziporah, how are you doing this week? You've been so quiet!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 12:56am
Hello, Amy, You're right about my being quiet. and you're smart. when I get silent it usually means a lot is going on inside. I don't even know where to start really. I've been finding it hard to keep up the structure exercise--eve doing five minutes of it--the five-minute back routine. haven't done it since Thursday. maybe i can be excused--after all, i wasn't feeling so good--still got this nasty cough. Friday was busy preparing for the Sabbath. Saturday was the Sabbath and yesterday, Sunday, was a Jewish holiday--Purim. it celebrates the Biblical story recounted in the book of Esther. it's a great holiday, with a lot of gift-giving of food parcels among friends, charity to the poor, going to the synagogue to read the book of Esther in Hebrew, and a huge family celebration meal in the afternoon. Plus, on top of all that, I got word that they're going to be starting the final stage of the elevator today--Monday--which meant i also had to get some things in order here. well, the holiday was a blessing in disguise. it's a requirement to hear the chanting of Esther, as well as hearing the Torah reading on the Sabbath before the Purim holiday itself--which meant i had to attend synagogue, whether i wanted to or not. most Sabbaths, hearing the Torah reading is not a requirement that demands public worship, but this is one of the few times Jewish religious law does demand it. it was actually a good thing for me because i haven't been to synagogue in months. i actually found it was not as hard to get up and get dressed and go as i had imagined it and i actually enjoyed the service, reading the prayers in the prayerbook, which i haven't done for quite awhile. when i used to have guests i went regularly to synagogue. this Sabbath is another one of those obligatory readings, they just happen to come back-to-back, so i'll have to go again. Sunday, Purim day, i also went to synagogue early in the morning for the required reading as well and i again enjoyed it. because it was a Festival, a lot of women were there. last week, i was busy cleaning out the storage/third room because they are now ready to break open the wall to put in the door that leads from the elevator into the room. that's what they're going to be starting to do today. i think i wrote about it--how i was overwhelmed by having to tackle this room, a real mess. well, last Tuesday was the day i set aside for it. i decided to do it by myself without the maid, so i could do it in the way i liked. first i took out all the stuff that was strewn about--tons of pillows and blankets for the guests. of course, i had to put them somewhere, which meant opening the storage closets in there. that meant having to sort through them as well. tons of pillows and blankets. it made me feel sad--seeing all of that--reminded me of how we used to have guests, happier times, when there was more money, when we could afford to have guests every week. believe it or not--i still get calls from seminary girls who want to come for Sabbath. it still is hard to refuse. well, after that part was taken care of, having to straighten out the closet and then putting all the linens in, i had to move the extra chairs out. i put them on the balcony off the living room then came the folding beds--eight of them. where to put them? it was a toss-up between the living room or taking them down to the appartment building's storage room. the storage room is really the building's bomb shelter, (we should never need it), and is supposed to be empty--just in case. but a lot of people put stuff in there. we never had done that before. i was very hesitant. although most of the neighbors in the building agreed to the elevator, one of the more dominant neighbors in the building did not. i was afraid she would make a fuss. anyway, after deciding to take them down, there was the problem of who would take them down the flights of stairs. well, we got someone to do it, but this person proved not to be a good choice--he's not really capable. i told him, after he had tried, to just leave the beds where they were,\ and i'd get someone else to do it. well, instead of doing that, he decided to move them into the balcony, where the chairs were, and in the process ended up breaking the glass doors that separate the balcony from the living room. i went bolistic. more money to spent now--in fact, when it was finally fixed on Friday, it was not as expensive as i had feared. i got mad at Shabtai for not being around to help. anyway, to make a long story short, the whole week was like that--feeling a lot of pressure because i needed to get this room in shape before the workers arrive. people promising to do it and postponing it. well, yesterday, while all the holiday stuff was going on, we finally finished getting the room ready. and the glass doors were fixed on Friday--and the beds were moved downstairs--and the neighbor i was afraid of didn't say anything--so all the rage and anxiety was for nought. so that is what was going on last week. a lot of headaches, mentally and physically, and anxiety and anger. well, besides that, there was therapy. the sessions aren't getting easier--deepr again. it's the same issues, going over them again and again. i don't really want to go into it. what else? my weight. when i got dressed on Saturday, i could tell my clothes are starting to feel tight. still wearable, but tight. then, yesterday, after the holiday meal, i came home to shower and i just saw my stomach--how bulging it is. my first reation was that of feeling overwhelmed. so many things to do--the coahing business, exdrcising, and now one more thing--dieting. i guess it's coming up again because my parents are coming in the fall. we had decided to invite them to come to the opening celebration of our new elevator--scheduled for May, they helped out with considerable financial help. so we figured it was worth asking them to come. they declined because they said it's easier for them to come in the fall. well, that started me thinking--how will they respond to my figure? i worked out dialogues i could have with them: "i'm sorry i disappoint you, but that's the way it is." and, "i don't know if i'll ever be thin." those dialogues helped. i thought of them on Saturday. of course, my t. says it shouldn't matter what they say or think. but, we all know it does! so, lat night, in the shower i got depressed again about this diet stuff. i read an article from a health newsletter that i get and it made some sense. it talked about when it's good and not good to start a diet. things like: "don't start a diet right before the holidays." analmost impossible task: to avoid eating all the holiday goodies. they also said, one shouldn't do it when they're emotionally upset. i thought, "when am i not emotionally upset?" but one thing the writer of this article said that i liked, and which i had not heard of before: it's not a question of fitting tthe person to the diet, but rather of fitting the diet to the person. i got up today and realized i have to do something about it, not only for the fact of my parents' visit, but because i'm also sick of it. it's just one more part of the self-loathing i have. so i decided today i'll call up the local clinic and make an appointment with a dietician. i'll keep you all informed. finger-wise? well , i got sores on some of my fingers. i'm also still angry and nervous a lot--could be due to withdrawal from mg20-- g10 of the paxxil, but i don't want to go on any more meds. i also have a meeting with this coah who's trying to get me started with local things here. that's tomorrow. i realized last week i have to put a lot more time and effort into the business thing. i watched some movies over the week end. i realized again how spiritually empty i'm feeling, how long it's been since i prayed. well, i'm getting tired. i'll stop here. Amy, thanks for that message, urging me to write. i needed it. it shows me that i'm missed, that i'm cared about. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 6:24am

Hi Tziporah,

You seem really busy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 11:34am
Tziporah, I'm glad that Purim was an occasion that served to get you out of the house and working on your faith again. I've found that doing things like that can really help relieve some of the depression, anxiety, etc. Though, I totally understand why you've been anxious.

Are you like me? I often find that anxiety over something is much worse than getting that thing accomplished. Wish I knew why I get anxious over some of the things that I do, but....

Exciting times with the elevator, but I know it's a lot of work for you. Sounds like you managed to keep yourself extra busy taking care of that room last week, and I'm sorry to hear about the doors being broken, but I am glad that you were able to have them repaired quickly.

As for diet... seems like I'm always either trying to lose weight or trying to keep from gaining it back. I think, sometimes, it's harder to keep it off than it is to lose it in the first place. lol But, I know you can do it!

Thanks for getting back and letting us know how you've been doing. We really do care and miss you when you're not here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 4:05am
Hello, Amy and Karen, Well, I did call the clinic and made an appointment to see a dietician. The first available appointment was for April 14. A few days before Passover--and Passover is another one of those wonderful holidays when Jewish cooks have a field day. Especially in the Sephardic--Iberian;African community, of which my husband's family is a part. In the Ashkenazic--East European branch, which I came from, a lot of things are forbidden to eat on Passover--because it was feard they could have had wheat mixed into them. Things like rice. But the Sephardic community didn't take on that prohibition, so everything they make has rice/meat stuffing in it. MMM. not to mention matzoh and matzoh meal, which goes into matzoh meal pancakes of variations thereof. get the point? A great time to start a diet--a week before Passover. lol. still, i'll go to the appointment and start the diet afterwards. At least I made the appointment. realization--i can't do it alone. and that's an important realization. As far as telling my husband--i was hesitant, because he always thinks i'm exaggerating. he has to go for a blood test and the preparation for the dietician appointment requires one also. so i tld him i was going to schedule the blood test for both of us. when he asked why i needed one, i told him. i got the usual denial. i just told him that the reality is i can't fit into a lot of my clothes anymore. he said, "well, don't expect me to go on a diet." i said, "i'm not expecting anything from you. i'm just talking about myself." how i envy those couples where both of them go vegetarian together. as i wrote this, i remembered an annecdote from one of the books i studied when i was learning to do marriage counseling--the lady was a vegetarian and the man was a hamburger and French Fries man. i think that is one of the things that has hindered me in the past--not getting his support, or even acknolwedgement that there is a problem--that i have a problem. i've always liked to think that our marriage, which is good, is perfect--but more and more i'm seeing some places where we don't see eye to eye. Karen--I'm just like you when it comes to clothes shopping. hate it. and my mother loves it. so you can see how that was a conflict. as far as parents' approval, all the shrinks say we're supposed to grow out of that need, get passed that, get to the point where it doesn't matter anymore. my t. says that is still one of my main problems--doing things to finally get their approval, which--of course, i'll never get. no matter what. it's not that i don't ever get their approval, but they always seem to emphasize the areas where i'm still failing--like with this weight. to be honest, i can't say that is not one of the reasons i'm doing it. the thought of facing their criticisms yet again is not exactly something i'm looking forward to. maybe from this negative motivation will eventually flow a more positive one. doing it for myself. just like this five-minute exercise thing. first doing it for my therapist, and then doing it for myself. you don't think he didn't subtly, but smartly, fit it in to his remarks last session? of course he did. "i hope you're still doing the 5-minute exercise." i had dropped off again. dropped off until today. Tuesday. felt bad i didn't do it yesterday, Monday, but didn't do it. today, i did it while listening to the news. at least i did it. i find it easier to do things in the morning. i have a mighty battle royal getting started doing things again in the afternoon. yesterday, put in a good morning's worth of work. then, took a break at 1:30pm, and that was it. didn't do anything else for the rest of the day except lie around in bed. really. Amy--i don't know why we get anxious over things. i get anxious over things that really don't call for it. and yes, in the end, most of the time the anxiety is totally unwarranted. i get so overwhelmed and then doing the thing isn't half as bad as i anticipated. but the fact is, even after all the years of therapy, i still get into that mindset. how many times has my t. told me that the facts don't correspond to the anxiety i had beforehand. in the end, the elevator people were supposed to come yesterday, Monday, but then called to say they're not coming till tomorrow--Wednesday. at least everything is ready. Karen--you are right about the story of Esther. it is very tragic. first for Esther herself, who, according to the traditional lJewish egends, lost her father when her mother was pregnant and her mother during childbirth. also, because she was taken by force into the harem of the Persian king. also, nationally, because many Jewish commentators see parallels in the story and anti-Semitism--particularly the determined intention of Haman to "destroy, slay and kill all the Jews, babies and old men, women and children in one day", as cited in the Biblical narrative. to these commentators, this sounds very much like what Hitler had it mind with his "Final Solution"--a world which would be Judenrein--free from Jews. the celebration comes from the fact that neither Haman or Hitler were successful and that Jews still procreate and inhabit the earth, and this, of course, is the hope for all those who live under tyrants--that eventually these tyranical regimes and their dictators will be vanquished. seems relevant to me--Libya is a case in point. Well, i got to go. but before i do, will just add that my faith also doesn't believe in sheer coincidence, but that things happen according to a plan. often, we don't see it. that is also hinted at in the book of Esther, because, if you read it carefully, you will notice there is no mention of G-d at all. everything just seemed to be a huge story of political intrigue and goings-on. of course, and this is the implication, He was working behind the scenes. that is true in our lives as well. that is what my faith teaches. we just don't see it a lot of the time. his face is hidden. and that, by the way, is the meaning of the word Esther in Hebrew--"hidden". Amy and Karen--you are both right. the structure of the religious requirements is helpful. and Amy, you are right. we do end up praying when we need it the most. I sure need it now. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com
Avatar for nawleansdarlin
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-1999
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 7:01am

Hello Tziporah,

In reference to parents.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2007
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 9:14am
Tziporah I, too, am someone who does better if I can get things done in the morning, especially exercise, otherwise it just isn't likely to get done later in the day.

You know, one thing I've learned, while your husband may not want to go "on a diet" with you, chances are he won't complain about eating healthier and might even feel better for it. ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Tue, 03-22-2011 - 10:26am
Hi Amy and Karen, Amy--true true on all points in your last message. Karen--I used to be like that--a jeans and t-shirt person. that was how it was in college. living in the Orthodox Jewish community means I have had to change my dress--no more pants--totally forbidden, in keeping with the Biblical command that a woman shouldn't wear men's clothing and vice versa (Deut. 22). so, when I became religious, out went all the jeans. i hate getting dressed up--feel confined, even in an every-day skirt. so, when i am at home, stay in a nightgown and bathrobe. less constricting. i am also the no-makeup type. my mother and sisters are makeup types. they all look gorgeous. my mother will put on lipstick just to go to the supermarket. i think she'd feel naked without any makeup on. she tried to get me to put on some blush and lip gloss when i got married. i think she eventually gave up. i'm a hopeless case. lol. i guess that is what my therapist means--i have to get over my NEED for my parents' approval. still need it. there are so many things i have to work on, sometimes i just feel so overwhelmed.: weight, getting the business up and going, regular exercise, diet, all the parts that are involved in getting the business going. i go back and fourth like that. my t. says i have to stop looking at life as one long to-do list and start enjoying the accomplishment of each individual task. i also have to highlight the successes--there actually are some. i think i told you about the first gratitude book i was in. well, a second one is coming out around Mother's Day and my entry was accepted for that too. also, remember that talk i was so nervous about-that coaching talk i gave about a week-and-a-half ago? well, a journalist saw it and she wants to interview me for her newspaper--it's a weekly magazine that has wide circulation here in Israel. i definitely was not expecting that dividend. well, you're right about names, Karen. did I tell you the meaning of Tziporah? it means "female bird" in Hebrew. according to the Jewish legend, Tziporah flew like a bird to bring Moses from the well back to her father's house (Ex. 2.) Moses had rescued Tziporah and her sisters, who were shepherdesses of her father's flock. usually, they were harrassed by the male shepherds. enter Moses, who sees their plight and helps them out by drawing water for them from the well. when they return home, Jethro asks, "how come you got back so quickly today?" Tziporah says that an Egyptian man had helped them out. then her father says, "so why did you leave him standing by the well. fetch him and invite him home." so Tziporah flies back to the well, like the female bird, and brings Moses back home with her. eentually, as the story goes, they mary. not bad. you're also right by Esther--she was very hidden. in fact, she hid her identity from the Persian king, which drove him crazy. eventually, at the end of the story, she uses this as her bargaining chip--i'll tell you what you've been dying to know, my identity. on condition that you fulfill my request. that's when she reveals that she is in fact Jewish, part of the nation that the king's top minister is out to destroy. People think the Bible is boring. i love the stories in it because they are so full of intrigue, insights about human behavior, and (dare i say it)?--sex. the characters are so human, the vilains as well as the good guys. they all have their weaknesses and strengths. well, i'm a morning person and it's almost 5pm. i should call it quits, right? it is just i feel i should be doing even more work at night and reproach myself for not. answer to a previous question from a previous email--i can't tell my mother and father what i feel. if i do mention the things that they say that hurt me, they deny it. like--i must be imagining it, it's all in my head, etc. Tziporah
Tziporah
web: www.istillhavemylife.com
blog: tziporahwishky.livejournal.com

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