Overcoming sexual abuse... need advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Overcoming sexual abuse... need advice!
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 4:18pm
Well, this is kind of a long and complex story, but I'll try to make it as general and concise as possible. You see, I was dating a guy for about a year. During the course of our relationship, he sexually abused me. I blamed myself for it, and never told anyone until recently when I began to realize the effects his sexual abuse had on me psychologically. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up last summer, and I have since begun a new relationship with a guy I can love and trust.

Whenever my current boyfriend and I attempt to be more intimate, it triggers memories of my ex-boyfriend's sexual abuse and it upsets me to the point where I have to stop. It's not that I don't WANT to be intimate with him, but it seems that it gets to the point where I simply CAN'T. Usually it results with me shaking uncontrollably and crying. This is definitely taking a toll on my current relationship.

I explained to my current boyfriend what had happened to me in the past and he is very supportive and understanding. This was the first time I told anyone what happened to me. I feel ashamed by my past, almost like I deserved it and it is my own fault and yet now, I feel guilty for putting a strain on my current relationship and not being able to please my boyfriend the way that I would like.

If anyone could give me any advice on how to overcome this, I would be very appreciative. Thanks!

Avatar for sunshineydays
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 5:48pm
Welcome to the board...you've been through so much. I'm glad you came here and posted. Your story echoes so much of many of ours, even though specifics may vary. For example, feeling as though we deserved it...very normal. However, you didn't deserve to be abused at all. You deserve to be treated well and not have your boundaries and trust betrayed. I'm very glad to hear your current bf is so supportive. I don't have any good advice about how to deal with the situation that keeps arising when you are intimate with him. I am still at the point where I avoid intimacy at all costs, so you are definitely a step ahead of me in that department! I know that many people here will have good advice based on their own experiences. I did want you to know, though, that I'm here to listen! Take care, Stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:15pm

Thanks so much for your warm welcome. Admitting what happened to me has been so hard and I am overwhelmed by the positive responses I have been getting from so many others who have experienced similar troubles and even from those who haven't but who still offer support. I really appreciate your willingness to listen. I want so much to overcome the effects of sexual abuse and I really see this kind of open communication as something that could be SO helpful! So thanks again (and again!) for your post.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 12:10pm
I was abused by my soon to be ex husband. I recently reunited with my high school sweetheart and he is such a great guy and really treats me like a queen, but just before he was called up to Kuwait (he's in the guard) I had to kind of put our relationship on hold. It was way too soon for me. I had the same problems you do, and I was afraid of letting myself get attatched or make a commitment for fear he would "change" just like my ex did. I strongly suggest checking out your local domestic violence center or the like. They usually provide free or low cost counseling. It's scary to make that decision to go into counseling because it may make you feel like you are crazy or something, but just about ANYONE who was abused needs counseling. I also suggest your current boyfriend go too. This can help him deal with any feelings such as guilt, helplesness, or fear he might feel due to your disclosure. You can also work on couples' activities that may help you to overcome your intimacy problems.

Also the book,"The Sexual Healing Journey" is great for helping you feel validated in your emotions and helping you realize that it isn't your fault at all, and what I healthy sexual relationship should be like. It also has some great activities that facilitate intimacy.

God bless and feel free to e-mail me if you wanna talk more private,