iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 3:08am
Hi, everyone. I feel so...helpless today, I guess.

First off, I keep having those dreams. Someone suggested

writing them down, but have any of you ever had

that feeling that it is so terrible

that it just wouldn't come out of

your pen, or your mouth? I have felt that way for

so long. I want this whole thing out of my system,

but I don't want to tell. I know that sounds pretty lame,

because I kind of put myself at an impass. I have told one

person during the course of my life, and I haven't regretted it,

but I can't see myself telling anyone else. Not even a counselor

or a psychiatrist. That said, I cancelled my meetings with him

because he looks at me strangely. this thing has given me so many fears.

(buses, small spaces, locked doors, being alone in rooms, SEX,

and males. i can't even stand my own father.)My mother tells me

that I'll have to tell someday and that it'll ruin me if i don't... But I feel

like I've already been ruined, so I don't know what I'd be

gaining by telling. And it wouldn't be so bad to just tell

one thing. but there were three people. I feel like there's this

door in my mind that's been there for five years and won't open... and behind

it are all the times....all of the things I can't say. I know

I need to open it, but I don't know how.... It makes me such a

bad person. I don't even know myself anymore..


Avatar for chameleonic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
In reply to: typenlutschen
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 7:35am

At the end of your post, you said it makes you a bad person. I just wanted to let you know that it doesn't make you a bad person. I know you want to get it all out of your system and if you stick with it, it will come out. It takes time. Our bodies/minds have a unique of knowing how much we can handle or not.

I know you feel like your life is ruined. I felt that way and I'm sure many others here felt that way too. You have a lot to gain by getting through this stuff and staying on the healing path. Right now your probably in the "surviving" stage still. Keep working on it and you'll be able to thrive in life. When I first heard that concept it was unimaginable to me. That concept is one of the reason I went back into therapy. I'm tired of just surviving. I want to thrive in life.

Lastly, is it possible to find a different counselor? You have that right if you don't feel comfortable with the one you have. Or would you be able to discuss your uncomfortable feelings with your counselor? Don't give up...


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
In reply to: typenlutschen
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 11:07am
I wish I could wave a magic wand and take away all of your pain. I just have to tell you, though, that you're not the only one here who has been abused by more than one person. I was abused mainly by one perp, but was assaulted by a boy in my high school once, too.(That was very minor, and I got away, but still . . . I had a lot of the same feelings, why me? Why always me?) These abusers would really like us to believe that their abuse is our fault, but if you look at a kid who was your age when your abuse happened, and you really watch the kid, I think you'll see that there's no way it was your fault. I was a teenager when that kid in my high school assaulted me, and I felt confused about it for a long time, but even though I was a teenager, I can see now that his behavior was wrong and was not my fault at all.

Also, many abusers manipulate your emotions and make you comply. If it's that you didn't fight back that's upsetting you--many of us don't. Sexual abuse is physical *and* psychological warfare. The fault is ALWAYS the perpetrator's, NEVER the victim's. (((hugs)))

And, you told all of us here, so you have told more than one person. And we believe and support you. Does that help ease the burden a little?

Avatar for sunshineydays
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: typenlutschen
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 6:46am
THIS POST MAY TRIGGER, so please don't read if you aren't up for that (although there is nothing graphic).

First of all, you are not a bad person. These things were done to you...and the effects of those things being done to you are not your fault either. Personally, I am glad you cancelled the appts. with the counselor/psychiatrist if he gives you a strange feeling. Number one for importance is you taking care of you. That being said, I do think it would be helpful and wise to seek out a female T. I wasn't able or willing to see a male T, so I found a female one and that was easier. Perhaps you could consider that? I think it would help you to work through all of these things with someone in a safe place. Just a thought.

I do understand about not being able to write down dreams, for example. There are times when I just am too scared to write down the nightmares b/c I am too afraid. Of what? I don't really know. However, I have realized over time that writing them down is more helpful than it is harmful. In fact, writing it down (even though it is scary) gives the nightmare less power. That being said, I still am not able to always do that. You are not alone in that feeling at all. It does help me now, though, when I share the dreams/nightmares with my T b/c she helps put them in perspective, she helps me understand possible meanings, etc.

I hear myself so much in your post. I don't know your whole story b/c I was gone there for a bit. However, perhaps sharing some of mine will make you feel less alone. I first started remembering being abused by my dad about 2 years ago. The memories came to me in dreams/ nightmares. The dreams were so confusing and made me feel so dirty and disgusting that I just didn't even want to think about them. Unfortunately (or some might say fortunately), thinking about them wasn't an option--I knew that they were more than dreams. I wanted to know everything that happened, but yet I didn't. I knew they were memories. I saw a T two times awhile after the initial dreams, but then quit going.

Then summer came and I tried to just go on with life like "normal". Nothing has been "normal" since. In August of that same year, school started again (I teach). After the second day, I was a complete wreck--I was panicky at school, depressed, etc. I took a leave of absence & started seeing the T I see now. I also started taking an antidepressant b/c I was having symptoms of depression (I didn't want to go anywhere, I wanted to sleep all the time, etc.). I was off of school for nearly 3 months and even when I returned, I was still suffering, though not as much. I still didn't want to do the things I used to want to do. I felt so horribly dirty and guilty--and still do at times, although not as often. I would go to the mall and feel like everyone was looking at me and KNEW what had happened to me. It was horrible, and even knowing that there was no way anyone knew...I still had that feeling.

Since those first four months, or so, things have generally improved. I don't get panicky at work as often. I see my T at least once/week. I am still on an antidepressant and now sleep medication, as well (so much for sleeping all the time like I did at the beginning!).

The point of all of this is that you are definitely not alone. I feel so much empathy for you and how you are feeling right now. So many people have told me that things will improve...I didn't believe them, but they were right. Things have improved. Are they great? Not really. However, they aren't miserable 24/7 either.

Hugs to you...Stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: typenlutschen
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 12:47pm
Thank you all for your help. I am going to try to find

a female T, but as some of you might know, I live in a

military (kind of) community in Germany, so I don't know

about the availability factor. We'll see. Definitely. I'm

feeling a little bit more... at ease with you all.... maybe I'll

finally get it out of my system. but for now, my mom's nagging me

to get off the internet so that she can send an email to my

dad, who's deployed. **Hugs**