I think I'm ready... (triggers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
I think I'm ready... (triggers)
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 2:58pm
Okay. I think I should tell now. Just so you know more about

me. i think that way my posts won't be so cryptic. *deep breath*

It all started in the sixth grade. there were these two guys that would

catch me after class and do these terrible things to me. Sixth grade was when I

learned what sex was. I had no clue before that. They always cornered me,

no matter what route to my bus i took, no matter how fast I ran or where I hid.

I was twelve, and he was seventeen. The other guy was fourteen. And they always

told me, "you need this. you need this. we know what you're really like. you can't

fool us with that innocent sh**." And it happened. every day for five months or so,

until a teacher caught him... If I had told my father, I would have faced much more

than what actually happened...

The next big noteworthy one was in eighth grade. I don't know what they call what

happened. maybe someone can help me with that. But I had a boyfriend whom I was

*sure* cared about me. He was about 220 pounds to my 150, and he was taller and

stronger than I was. His older brother, Will, was 260 pounds, and his father, frank, was

300 pounds or so. ( I only know this because they were talking about losing weight one

day a few months before it happened.) I believed that he would never hurt me,

that he wasn't capable of a disgusting thought like the ones i found out he had.

One day, I went over to his house with a friend (he lived in the seedy part of

the neighborhood, which I should have stayed away from.)and there was some kind of

rap music blaring on the radio, so hard that the pictures on the walls were shaking

with each pulse. Matt was in his room, doing who knows what with his tv, so I went to the door. we ended up talking on the lower bunkbed when he tells me, " You are so

beautiful."...I've never thought much of myself in that way, and I feel weird when people

compliment me, so I turned my head so he couldn't see my eyes stinging. I have no

idea how what happened next happened. He was on top of me. I got really scared and

sat up (as well as i could) but he put his hand on my neck and pushed me down. I think

I mentioned that he was a good deal bigger than I was, so each time I would try to sit up, he would push my neck harder until i was struggling for breath. He broke the

zipper on my jeans and jammed his hand into me, hard. I guess that's when I started to

bleed. I sat up so many times, and he would always say the same things. "lay back down,

lay back down. it'll only take a minute, sweetie. you should like this. let me do this,

it has to happen." those are just the things i remember that he said to me. I don't remember all of it. I started to cry, and yell, but i don't think anyone heard me over the music... that, or they just didn't care. here's the part I have never told anyone...

I don't know how this will make me sound... It hurt so much, and so long... i wanted it

over so badly. I don't know how long it actually lasted, but it felt like forever...so, I... faked an orgasm. I had to make him leave. I didn't know what else to do. after it was done he left the room like nothing had happened. I just laid there, because i wasn't sure if I could walk... and when I could i left the house and never came back. I feel so guilty because there were the warning signs and i just didn't see them. people would come

to frank for perscription drugs, and I didn't realize he was a dealer. william squeezed me so hard, i had bruised ribs. frank said the grossest things to me, hitting on me when matt was there, like he had nothing to hide. I had been locked in rooms with guys i didn't know, and I guess they all thought it was funny, but I cried so much when they did it that i don't know how they could laugh. once, it was a bathroom. that was the worst one. OKay, so there it is. a little of my history. thank you for listening. granted, I'm sure your perceptions of me are altered, but I am willing to risk it since I HAD to tell someone. well, now you know me a little bit better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 3:46pm
Sweetheart, my perception has NOT altered. Not one slightest bit. In fact, I think you've been very strong to face these horrible events alone. All I heard as I read your post was a very sad story of an innocent child who had been wrongfully taken advantage of. This must be a terrible burden to hold within all this time. I don't think anyone, except perhaps a few horny, manipulative jerks, would think a young girl would ever want what happened to you. Sadly though, I think too many young girls experience this sort of savage sexual invasion by adolescent boys. It's gross and it's a shame!

Please, help rid yourself of this pain. Speak to someone about this. Sweetheart, you really did NOTHING wrong. No one would ever be able to read signals like the ones you described without knowing what to look for. You were so young. Jeez, you're still young for that matter so you're learning those signals. Please understand, we don't just automatically become aware of signals at a certain age. Now that you're more aware of these dangers, I'm sure you'll become more highly sensitive to the warning signs. This is learning. Adolescence is the "right of passage" time of your life. It's an explosive time of learning. And unfortunately some learning can hurt terribly. However, please be ever so gentle on yourself b/c you aren't inherently bad. Even if you made some misguided decisions, NO ONE has the right to invade you the way these people did!!! NO ONE!!!! Again, you did NOTHING wrong and you are NOT an evil or bad person b/c these boys treated you so horribly.

I give you so much credit for finally putting these words out on paper so to speak. I remember the first time I told anyone about my abuse. I thought I would explode with fear. But I've found that no one has ever looked at me with anything less than kindness and compassion. And another thing I'll tell you from years of experience, it will get soooo much easier to tell your story the more times you say it. It releases such anxiety as you bring this out into the open. It really is a wonderful healing process.

Again, please be extra gentle with yourself. I know how easy it is to beat yourself up but there was nothing you could do. You are obviously a very gentle, loving person who DESERVES to be treated with the highest respect. I truly admire your strength and courage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 10:34pm
I agree with cl-opal. Be gentle with yourself. You did nothing to cause what happened to you. I also think that your survival tactic of faking orgasm was very smart of you. You used the tools you had at hand in order to survive. And thank God you did. The Courage to Heal taught me to honor what I did to survive, and I think you should try to honor what you did to survive. I think that was a very smart move on your part, and I give you a lot of credit for thinking of it and for being able to carry it out.

(((Hugs))) Keep coming back. There are people who understand what you're going through here!

Avatar for ateachersangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 4:56am
Hi, Valerie,

I don't think less of you. You must have been terrified. Please try to remember, you were only a kid. Those things were the faults of very sick people, not yours. I think it's great that you were able to write all that. You were brave. The journey we are on is not easy- so give yourself credit and know that none of us will think any less of you. Getting the story out is the first step. Keep writing and talking. You are safe here.