I was abused as a child, is this "normal

Avatar for peaceingod
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I was abused as a child, is this "normal
6
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:01pm
My brother abused me when I was around 10, never raped me, but did enough psychological damage to last a lifetime. Anyway, I am not 37, a mother of 2 (in a few weeks it will be 3). I have always had a very strong sex drive for a woman I guess but I the only way I can really get "turned on" is to fantasize about being the victim. Does that make sense? I would NEVER abuse my children but I have lots of sexual thoughts, NOT about them, all through the day. Do you think I need to seek professional help about this? It will be very hard to do with my schedule. I am just worried that my fantasies will escalate. I can't even believe I am talking about this stuff. Just looking for advice and support I guess.

Cathie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 6:51am
Welcome. What you described sounds so normal to me. I understand the horror and judgment you hold on this but it really is very understandable. However, this isn't something that understanding alone is going to help you with. Speaking about it here was a good first step but I really encourage you to find a good therapist, preferably someone who specializes in abuse. There is no reason you should endure this victimization for the rest of your life. Even if it's a safe victimization, you're still being controlled by your brother.

And I truly understand what you meant about the psychological abuse. I firmly believe that our psychological abuse cuts far deeper than the sexual abuse.

So, again, welcome. I think if you hang around here you'll see how you're not alone. What we think is our own private h*ll is really something we all share. I hope to see you around some more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 10:08am
I don't have any advice for you, nor can I even begin to know what's normal in regards to sexuality, but I think it's very admirable that you're working through these issues. Do you have a counselor? Welcome to the board!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 12:55pm
hey peaceingod

I too am in need of support and understanding, infact reading your story, i thought i posted it since i have posted on numerouse message boards. what can i say, like you i was also abused by my brother, who is 1 yr older than me. he didn't rape me but now i am realising all the psychological damage he has left me to deal with.

He started abusing at the age of 10 also and this continued till i was 16 and he was old enough to leave home. All those years i endured it, i couldn't tell anyone and he was well aware of this and the main reason i let it go on for so long was becuase he didn't rape me although he would of if i let him. I don't know when your abuse took place but with me it was always when i was asleep, i would find his hand inside my underpants, on my breast, sometimes he would get on top off me and when i woke up he would run out of my room or he would just walk off ect. i didn't like what he was doing but i jsut kept burying it because i couldn't tell anyone and he would not stop as much as i shouted i threatened him.

Until know i never realised, how much he affected me all those years. i am now 23 years old and i can't cope with it no more. My mind is full of sexual thoughts, i have thoughts about kids, animals, women , men anthing that moves and the worst part is i can't control it. They'er thoughts and feeling that run through my body, i don't put them there, they are just there and i hate myself for them. I KNOW I COULD NEVER HARM A CHILD OR AN ANIMAL OR BE WITH A WOMAN FOR THAT MATTER, but they feel so real its unbelievabel and before i went to see a therapist ( i was on the verge of suicide) i was convinced that i was becoming a peadophia or child molester. i still worry when ever the thoughts and feeling run through my body but i have learnt to distance them from me and i am learning that the thoughts and feelings are linked to memories from the abuse resurfacing. But becuase i never thought my abuse was particularly bad ( i have heard worst cases), i find it hard to believe that the thoughts and feelings are part of my abuse. i can't understand the connection or i am doubtful about the connection and just really scared that i might harm kids.

I am really depressed over this and just woried about why i would have such thoughts about kids, i can handle feeling sexaul to women or animals but the kids thing is tearing me up and i just keep wondering if it will go away ever.

I am really scared more than anything that, when i eventually have children i might abuse them.

I never went looking for any of those sexual feelings, but around the time they started surfacing, there was lots of stuff about peadophilia on the news that i was paying attention to it and i was also sleepin bad, waking up crying in my sleep and being really tired. And the day i realised all, i was babysitting for my 4 yr old goddaughter and at one point i was sitting, while she played and i looked at her and started to wonder why men abuse kids and in an attempt to understand, disgusting as it sounds i imagined being sexually involved with her and i felt really sexual towards her. After that night i hve not being able to control those thoughts and feeling and i get sexually excited by just looking at a child or anything that moves. Its so scary its unbelievabel.

i often wonder if i would be dealing with this, if had not babysat that night or do you think it was inevitable, and due to face the this experience one way or another.

I am Just living all my faith to god, i am sure he will help me get it all resolved so can go back to being my old fun loving self.

So peaceingod, don't worry, you are not alone but i would advise you to seek a therapist, it really helps, TRUST ME.

It would be nice to hear from you and i would love to hear how your sexul feelings were triggered off, was it anything like mine?

and what is your relationship with your brother like now, all thos years i was somehow still managing to have a brother and sister relationship with him but right now i hate hima and i can't stand the site of him and feel sick in the stomack when i see him an i have to pretend everything is ok for the sake of the family.

i hope i have been of help too you and reply back pls.



love helena


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 2:30pm
Helena, I have to tell you how amazingly brave you are to tell us about your thoughts. I too, have had those thoughts yet, until now, I've never uttered a word about them to anyone. I'm a mother of three children, teenagers now. But when my son was 3 or 4, I remember seeing him lying in bed one night. Like you, I just tried to envision how someone could possibly be sexual with such a small child. I thought of myself acting on these thoughts and I was shocked to see how easy it would have been to "just touch" him once. I didn't!! I know for me, that was the only moment those thoughts intruded to such an extent but they were there nonetheless.

Both you and I KNOW the boundaries, that's what keeps us from becoming pedofiles. However, we do need help in unleashing us from distorted sexual attitudes. I hope you can get with a professional, preferably someone who specializes in abuse. I can hear such despair coming through your post and I truly hope you can find the help you need to heal from this. That's the good news in all this; healing is possible. It's not just going to be getting through the day better, it's going to be real healing so your life can thrive. But it's hard work and it needs a good therapist. However, again, it is possible and WELL worth it.

I want to welcome you to the board. I don't know if you plan on staying but I really hope you do. This is a great board for support and compassion. By the way, thanks for giving me the courage to talk about this. It feels good to acknowledge it.

**gentle hugs**

Gail

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 7:49am
Hi Gail

Thanx for your response its been really helpful to know that someone out there understands. I I AM SO SO SO GLAD I GAVE YOU THE COURAGE TO TALK. The worst part of all this is not only that i am disturbed by this thoughts and feelings, but at the beginning i was also so embarressed that i couldn't confide in friends or therapists and that was unbelievably hard (i jst wanted to die).

i just kept parying to God to help me through this, becuase although i had been abused i didn't make the connection striaght away, so initialy i just thought i was becoming a child molester or a sick, evil,terrible person, all charcterstics which are so far away from the person i am at heart.

And i suppose it is through Gods strength i hanged around to find out, WHY this was happening to me. In an attempt to understand i started thinking about my abuse and for the first time, I saw it as wrong and felt hurt that my own brother would do that to me.

I was not convinced that that was the reason i was having this horrible sexual feelings but it was a beginning and it helped me to understand that there must be a reason for this feelings.

Now that i am seeing a therapsit, she has explained to me that it is linked to my abuse but sometimes i am so skeptical because i feel like maybe i am using my abuse as an excuse for my sexual feelings, as my abuse never seemed to bother me until now. i suppose i feel like a hypocrite for bringing up my abuse now.

But in general Therapy is helping lots, it is also helping me to understand my past relationships with men and how the abuse was affecting me, without realising.

I find so unbelievable that we endure so much pain while its happening, you then think its all over and in the past, to then realise that its not and you re left with so much psychological damage that it seems irrepairable. IT'S SO CRAZY.

I JUST HAVE TO KEEPING ON BELIEVING THAT GOD WILL DIG ME AND EVERYONE IN MY SITUATION OUT OF THE DARKNESS THAT SURROUNDS US.


WITH LOVE

HELENA


Avatar for sunshineydays
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 8:55pm
Welcome to the board. I'm very glad you came here. I am not a good person to ask about normalcy b/c I certainly don't have a clear vision on that. I am the opposite of you in regard to my sex drive. However, from what I have read in books, what you are talking about is very common.

Should you seek therapy? I know this won't be the answer you are looking for, but it really just does come down to--> do you feel you need therapy? I learned the hard way (experience) that going to therapy when I wasn't ready for it was a big mistake. I understand your schedule will be hectic, but if you feel it's something that would benefit you, then I say you do it. It sounds as though perhaps you do want to seek therapy when you wrote that your brother did enough psychological damage to last a lifetime. The good news is that you can heal from the pain he caused you.

Take care and good luck, stacy