I think I'm feeling too good? m

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Registered: 04-09-2008
I think I'm feeling too good? m
6
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 11:45pm
As I posted a while back, I haven't been able to see my therapist. I see her on Thursday, and it will be three weeks since our last visit.

I expected this time period to be really difficult, but it hasn't. I feel fine. Haven't done any Inner Child work or journaling, because nothing has been bothering me.

Is it normal to have periods of time like this? It's not that I WANT to feel anxious and upset, it's just that prior to the last two weeks I had a LOT of times that I felt that way.

Does this mean I'm "cured?" What a silly question--I'm sure that's NOT it. What I was really wondering is if it is typical on your healing journey to have times of reprieve after you have worked through certain things where you feel "fine," and then your psyche realizes that you're strong enough to remember more? Like the lull before a storm, kind of? I've even had times over the last few days when I've wondered if I made the SA up or made it out to be a bigger deal than it was. Like I feel so good that nothing like that could possibly have happened.

I don't know if this is making much sense; it certainly feels like a ramble.

As a side note, my therapist has NEVER asked any leading questions, never even asked me if I was abused sexually. I brought it up on my own, and our sessions are me bringing things up. Just in case anyone was wondering if it was the therapy that was stressing me out. I always feel better after meeting with her.

Boy, am I overanalyzing or what!

I would appreciate any responses you can give me. Thanks!

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 7:02am
It's hard to tell what the answer is. Yes, it could be that you've reached a good place in your healing so you're getting that reprieve. We need these "lulls in the storm" in order to replenish ourselves.

However, the fact that you're actually doubting the truth of your experience makes me wonder if you've just been able to repress things to a manageable level as a way of dealing with your T's absense. Please understand, this is what I'm doing right now myself. So, maybe I'm just seeing something that's mine and not yours. But you see, my T is on vacation and I'm "fine", too. Yet, I know, for me, that I'm just the master of holding things in well enough not to be left dealing with emotions I can't handle alone. I was thinking if you were really fine then you wouldn't need to doubt your experience. To me, it sounds like your protectors, like mine, are working over time to protect you until she returns.

I had a question to ask you, too. You said in your answer to the QOTW that you've always had an easy time with emotions. I was just wondering if you have "easy" emotions. Those are the ones that freely come to the surface. I ask this b/c sometimes we do have "easy" emotions that actually hide the bigger or harder emotions from us. Just b/c there are emotions flowing freely may not necessarily indicate you're getting to the real source. Like, if sadness is your easy emotion then you can ask yourself if I wasn't feeling sad then what would I be feeling. Just a thought.

Anyway, count yourself lucky that you're getting this chance to catch your breath. I'm sure you and your T have some tough work ahead.

Oh, oh, oh, one more thing. You may want to take a little time to check in with those inner parts even if they're not upset. As with real life children, they need our attention when they're good and happy, too.

Sorry for jumping around. It's early ;-).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sat, 04-05-2003 - 9:09pm
Hi Gail,

Thanks for your response to my question. I will do some writing later on tonight.

Regarding the QOTW, I didn't mean for it to sound that I have an "easy" time with emotions. It was just when I initially read the question I saw myself as being backwards from someone who remembers the abuse but doesn't feel the emotions. I've always been highly emotional. That doesn't mean that I have an easy time dealing with them. My husband can vouch for the many times I've been an emotional disaster! LOL You could be right, though--maybe there are deeper emotions and I just haven't been able to go there yet. I do get really shaky when I come close to remembering the actual incident, like I have to swallow really hard and take a deep breath. I don't want to betray Little Me by reacting badly if she lets me know; maybe I should tell her that I probably will be upset but reassure her that it doesn't mean I'm upset with HER, rather, that I'm upset that somebody would do that to her.

I do feel emotionally fragile a lot; that's why it has seemed so strange that I've been "fine." I was really distressed when I couldn't meet with T last time, and when she told me she was going to be on vacation I wondered how on earth I was going to last. So I don't know if this past two weeks have been like what you said and I'm just repressing really well, or I'm at a better place than I thought, or I'm just stronger than I thought. Maybe since most of my life I've had to deal with things going against me I just know how to suck it up and move forward? Maybe I just shouldn't sweat it.

I really appreciate your input. Your advice when I was so beside myself several weeks ago to do d-n/d writing when I felt that knot in my stomach was invaluable. I'm really glad that I started it. After just one time I really had a good sense of how I felt as a child.

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy--going back to feeling that I must be making this up at times. Seriously, if it weren't for the steps I've already taken in acknowledging this it would feel right now like it never happened and I would be convinced it was all in my head and I was overreacting to something I made up. And when I hear some people say that digging up this kind of stuff just brings up emotions that don't need to be there and will just upset me, it makes me feel like I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. Is this fairly typical? I guess I really need reassurance that I'm on the right track.

Thanks,

Heidi

Avatar for hummingbirdwings
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 11:07pm
I, too, am in a reprieve from my work on things. I am feeling fine. But recently I have been having trouble sleeping and waking very tired. Hmm...I think you made me see something.

As for your questions:

I think we need the time to regroup every now and then. Sounds like that is what possibly is going on with you. When do you see your T agian? Mine won't be until after the summer break coming up.

After a break, sometimes the mind realizes that you are stronger and that may mean more stuff coming up to the surface for you to deal with. It is important to rest between work on the past stuff. And then go forward with new energies.

Take care and keep on pluggin on.

HBW

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 11:12pm





Edited 4/8/2003 12:48:41 PM ET by cl-iheidi66

Heidi

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Avatar for chameleonic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 4:46pm


I can remember the times that I felt what you are describing. Those particular times were and are hard for me because they feel too good to be true. I took a break from therapy for a year or so and it really took me a long time to adjust not having to put so much time and focus on my SA issues. It was nice while it lasted and having that break helped me realized how much I did accomplish in the time I was in therapy. I think we all need that once in a while. Now, when I experience the "lull before a storm" I have trouble enjoying those moments. I panic or get very anxious and wait for things to come crashing down again. It drives me nuts, especially when I don't understand why I do that. Why do I intentionally but not intentionally at the same time, sabotage those "good" moments?

A couple weeks ago I agreed that it would be a good idea for my old T and my new T to meet. A session with the three of us. I did it for different reasons for everyone involved. My old T and I have become very close and I consider her a friend as she does to me. I know there are ethics and stuff involved but that's a whole other story. Anyways, my point of bringing this up is that my old T said to my current T that she felt stuck and knew she was unable to guide me further in the healing process because she is not experienced in SA. She said she wants to see me move down the healing path now that I'm working with someone experienced in SA. she wants to see me do more than just survive and learn to thrive in life. She said some other stuff along those lines and I sat there extremely disconnected during that time. What she described and what she felt that I deserve was such a foreign image for me. I still have a hard time imagining it and it upsets me. Thriving is still a foreign concept for me. I struggle with seeing how I can change and what a change might look like in the future. I am able to see, with reminders, how much I have changed since the past.

I feel like I'm rambling now...hope some of this helped you.

Kari

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 9:41am
I had another thought on this situation. You've been so marvelous at connecting with this inner part of yourself so I have a feeling you're able to separate from that part more. So often our distress comes when these inner parts are too blended with us. The use of D/N-D writing can facilitate this balance and separation thus giving you more control of your Self.

Anyway, just a thought. Hope your session tomorrow goes well.