A Question About My Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
A Question About My Question
20
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 10:23am
I asked this question a couple of days ago:

Fill in the blanks:

Sex is _________________________________.

Sex is like ___________________________________________.

I noticed when I looked in outline view that it was viewed over 200 times with only a handful of responses. The disparity made me curious about a couple things. For those who chose not to answer the question (and these questions are NEVER mandatory), why did you choose to not answer? This is just my idle curiousity fueling this question. I know sex is such a tender topic for us so I wanted to hear your feelings about why you didn't answer. And additionally, for those who read the responses, how surprised by the answers were you? Did it surprise you that several of us are very uncomfortable with sex? Which responses did you relate to, if any? Of is this just an area you'd rather not deal with?

Again, I'm curious more than anything else. If you can share your thoughts and opinions, I'd appreciate hearing them.

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Avatar for ateachersangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 10:39am
I know I responded- but, I wanted to add...I found my reaction to the original questions so interesting- and not only that- but my responses to the other responses as well.

It's like it just clicked in so much how strong of a reaction I have to the whole sex subject. In fact- as I was reading the responses which said how wonderful sex is and all that gushy stuff- I was like so grossed out. I don't mean that offensively at all- not toward those people. It just told me how misconstrued, or warped, or opposite my feelings are about sex. "Sex is beautiful, coming together of two souls..." Capital YUCK!!! And, to further screw me up- I just can't seem to discuss this with my T. I turn into this little tiny girl when that part of sex is mentioned.

I guess I just found my own reaction interesting.

Becky

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:02am
Thanks Becky. I appreciate everyone's feedback, not just those who didn't respond. I didn't mean to imply that.

I'm like you, my strong response certainly got my attention, too. The good thing is that I've been very, very vocal about it with my T. However, I'm more proclaiming my disgust with sex more than actually working through anything. She just lets me vent every once in awhile and then we go about our business. She says I've confused sex with sexual abuse and there's a huge difference. Okay, I'll buy that but I sure can't make the separation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:58am
If you could wave a magic wand, how would you want sex to be? If you could make it be any way you wanted it to be, I mean . . . Not necessary to answer--I just wanted to throw this out there for people to think about.

My T. at AMAC often asks questions like this when someone is frustrated with some aspect of healing. We feel stuck about something, and she'll ask, well, if you could have your way, how would you want it to be? It helps me to imagine another way, and sometimes that's half the battle. It helps me feel that I have some kind of creative power in my life, that I can change things I'm not happy with.

And, as a side note--those numbers on the outline view freak me out! I had no idea there were so many lurkers on this board. *waving sheepishly to the lurkers!* Please introduce yourselves!

Avatar for greenjeanz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 12:05pm
I didn't respond because my mind went blank when I read the fill-in-the-blank questions. I sat there puzzling over them for a while, then gave up and read the responses. I wasn't surprised by anyone's answers, but I still don't know what I think sex is, or what it is like. I just can't seem to muster up any strong opinions or feelings. I didn't really relate to *any* of the responses, whether they took a positive or a negative view of sex. It makes me sad that I can't seem to feel much of anything about the questions, or about sex.
Avatar for ateachersangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 12:10pm
I'm totally with you- I can protest how gross it is- but that's as far as I go. It's like I could hurl at the discussion of it. And, the thought of working on it- oh gosh, doesn't that mean I have to "do" it to work on it???? yechhhh!!!

"Sex is a chore." God, I so totally agree! That, it is.

Becky

Avatar for ateachersangel
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 12:14pm
At this point, if I could wave a magic wand- there would not be such a thing as sex.

I don't know how else to answer- I think that's about as honest as I feel about it.

Becky

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 1:57pm
No, you don't necessarily have to "do it" in order to work through it. In fact, quite the contrary. "Doing it" when you're struggling can actually prolong your healing from what I understand. Talk to your T about how to get through it in a healthy way.


Edited 4/8/2003 2:01:19 PM ET by cl-opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 2:00pm
I had the same response to Freegirl's question. Now that I think on it, I do see a different picture. I want what people talk about to be real. I still think that intimate connection is drug induced ;-).
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Registered: 03-21-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 2:44pm
I had another thought about working through the sex issue. There are times of the month when I feel more naturally interested in sex. I know it's hormonal, because I could tell you which week of the month it was based on my own level of interest. For me, it's pretty much a one week interested, one week not-so-interested pattern. Ovulation and PMS are times of high interest for me. (I'm over-simplifying it here, because there are other times, but those two times really stand out and are consistent, month to month. And I think I'm usually pretty persuadable during the not-so-interested times. Of course my dh's work schedule contributes to this. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all of that!)

Anyway, I wonder if someone who felt very resistant to sex might be able to use this kind of pattern in order to regulate her working on it/taking a break from it pattern. I really like the idea of letting one's own body be the guide for sexuality. I also like that this allows for breaks because working this issue can be really stressful. I think that a fear of failure can be *really* intimidating with this issue. Planning breaks--and breaks determined by your own body's natural desires--lets you set mini-goals instead of setting out to solve the whole thing all at once. And I think that might help alleviate some fear of failure.

I know that a fear of failure can be a major impediment to getting started on working on something like this. While I didn't really feel that fear in my sexuality, I definitely felt it with my eating. Before I joined OA, I was petrified. I knew that if OA didn't work for me, nothing ever would and I would get more and more obese as my life progressed. I KNEW this was true. So that made starting a very scary proposition. Not trying was easier than trying and failing would be. I would guess that many of you feel the same way about working on sexuality issues. When I worked through my 4th step (a personal inventory of my character defects), I found that fear was my #1 defect. Fear of failure, fear of being abandoned, fear of people, fear of looking silly in public, etc . . . I'm sick and tired of letting fear decide what I do and don't do. One thing I'm working on is trying to base my decisions on something else--anything else. Anyway, I can relate to the fear I think I heard in some of your posts, and I hope that this idea might help someone work through it.

Avatar for chameleonic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 5:19pm
I'm glad you asked these questions because it encouraged me, I think, to go back and read the responses to your question. When I first saw your question I freaked. Refused to even look at the responses. Like you say, that area is so tender for me. I read the replies and I felt it to be fair to include my response. I made sure that I wasn't feeling obligated to answer. I actually learned something from my response and right now I'm just using as information. I did find it suprising how many of us are very uncomfortable with sex. I'm embarassed to go in that area with anyone. Only recently, I sent an email to my T asking her if it's ok for me to "go in that area" during sessions. I was secretly hoping she would say that it would not be ok and then I wouldn't have to worry about it. Instead she said that she is comfortable talking about anything. However, if something came up that she felt uncomfortable or even innaproppriate, she would tell me immediatly. After getting that response I wanted to die and never show up at her office again. Of course that was the first thing she did bring up when we met and she basically said she will not push in that area and that it is up to me when to bring it up.

The majority of the time this is just an area that I don't want to deal with. However, dealing with this area is one of the reasons I went back in therapy. I want a relationship again and chances are - sex is gonna be involved. All of my relationships have been destroyed because of sex and ironically, I've gotten into relationships just because of sex and I would end up beating myself up because I detest it so much and yet there are times when my body wants it. Go figure.

Hope this made sense...Kari

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