remembering to breathe
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|Wed, 04-09-2003 - 6:01pm|
is why i have no idea what day it is. still, I like to be able
to be ignorant and relaxed enough not to know things like that sometimes.
I'm so shaky today, because of this condition I have called akesthesia or
something like that. Basically, it's an essential tremor that I can't
take meds for anymore because they made me throw up. My gag reflex is
really strong after a year and a half with an eating disorder (which my
mother is convinced is because of the SA. But I"m not so sure.) Anyway,
that's neither here nor there. I just wanted to say, I have been talking to this
guy for about two years since i left ohio to come live here in germany and yesterday
he caught me at a really bad time. I was crying (my biggest fault, I guess.I'm a big
crybaby) and I was shaky and depressed and he knew then-I don't know how- but he
put it all together, about why I'm afraid of my dad, and relationships and sex and
men....and he made a point to tell me he'd take care of me. but how can I trust that?
words are words. they've never gotten me anywhere. now, even though I've been pretty
good friends with this guy, I feel like i don't ever want to talk to him again. I want
him to stay away from me. I dont' know what to do. what if he tells someone?
I also had another nightmare last night. i woke up the other night with no underwear on. I don't know how that happened because I fell asleep with them on, and i don't usually move much in my sleep. that was just weird ;)I'm reading this book, The Oasis, by Petru Popescu... it's very good. I recommend it. Also, has anyone here read the poisonwood bible?