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|Thu, 04-10-2003 - 12:10pm|
I think I hit a nerve while writing in my journal this morning, and I just wanted to share it because I don't want it bottled up inside of me anymore. Here's the journal entry:
>>It's worry about feeling hurt about Mom. I have no mother. I have no mother. I am everyone's mother, but I have no mother. I am everyone's mother. I took my mother's role when I was 6. I have been a mother since the age of 6. I am tired and I want a mother to take care of me. I want a mother to take care of me.<<
I have to say, typing that out made me HATE how whiney that sounds. (How dare I need something! Or worse--someone!) But that is the truth right there. I became my sister's mother at the age of 6 and have been mothering my way through life ever since. My son is 6, and I just do not relate to how free he is. I'm glad for him, but man, I never had that!
This causes problems for me because it makes me resentful that I do not have anyone who mothers me, or ever has. Never. Even my dh, as great as I think he is, is not a nurturing, "let me take care of you" sort of man. He's supportive and he's an excellent friend, but he's not a nurturer. And I know that as an adult woman, the time has passed for me to have a mother. I'm never going to have one. I know I need to mother myself now, but that means it's still my responsibility. And then once again, I'm the mother.
Maybe there is something in this observation about my son, that he is free. Being motherly to everyone makes me feel restrained in many ways, especially artistically. The journal entry began with me trying to figure out why I'm stuck in my writing. (I've been working on a novel with a very strong motherhood theme for about 3 years now and I can't seem to get it finished.)
I'd love to sit here and write more about this and think it through further, but I have to be the mother and get the kids ready for school! :o}