New in need of help/input

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
New in need of help/input
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 3:51pm
Hi, I am new to this board. This post could easily become a book, but I will try to make this as short as possible.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years. Our relationship has in the past been one where he was verbally abusive & very much in "control". Over the past 2 years a new form of abuse emerged. While I was asleep, my husband would violate me with foreign objects. He would hide by the side of my bed, so that when I awoke I would be unaware of his presence. Initially I thought I was dreaming. One night though, I looked to the side of the bed & there he was lying on the floor hiding.

The incidents have repeated & no matter what I did~cried, screamed, hit, begged...he has continued. A month & a half ago, I told him that if he did not stop I wanted to end our relationship. For about a week he was less verbally abusive & he did not do the strange sexual acts.......until this past Saturday.

I just shut down this Saturday. I told him I am no longer in love with him & can't imagine ever being intimate with him again. His response has been to write me poetry, send flowers, cry....all very unlike him. He says he is a "new man" & will never repeat his abuse again.

I guess my main questions are....have any of you been sexually abused by your husband? Was he able to change? Were you able to regain intimate feelings for him after the abuse? Thanks in adance, JEM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 5:49pm
I'm not married, Jem, so I don't know if I can say anything to

you that might help... and maybe i"m even making the wrong call

here, but first of all, You're definitely in the right place. It

sounds like you are very committed to getting something

healthier out of your life. It's hard to say that after ten years

you should ditch this guy, so before anything else, get marriage

counseling or, if necessary, go on your own. This kind of thing

is DEFINITELY wrong. And I kind of see a cycle ... he does these

terrible, manipulative things to you and then he apologizes and

pleads with you in a way that you have never seen before. Have you

talked to him about what you catch him doing? You have to ask yourself

how long you want to take that. Good luck, Sweetie.

Avatar for greenjeanz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 7:50pm
Hey, are you married to my ex-husband? I'm not trying to make light of your situation. It's just that some of the things that happened to you sound so hauntingly familiar, like the verbal abuse, the attempts to control, the crying and flowers when he's afraid he won't have you to kick around anymore (metaphorically speaking, of course). My XH never laid a hand on me in a violent way, but he was starting to develop some strange sexual habits, and I was afraid things would get worse if I didn't leave. I did leave, and I'm glad I did. My XH pulled the same romance routine that your husband is using on you, and he always went back to his abusive ways. Don't be fooled. He's not a new man. Unless your husband is willing to get some serious professional help, he will not change. Good luck. I hope you have the courage to move on without this guy. You deserve better, whether you know it or not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 8:19pm
Have you ever heard of the cycle of abuse? What you described sounds like it. I don't have the sheet in front of me but it basically is like this. The abusive period/episode, the period of time when they "are so sorry and can't ever see it happening again" flowers, crying, whatever. Then there is the build up period where you can tell the the tension is building up again and you feel like you are walking on eggshells because you don't want the abuse to happen again. Then it starts all over again. I know this isn't the way it is technically explained or described but this is the basics.

If you contact a counseling center or a womens group they can explain it all to you and help you get out if you need it. Where I live we have a group call Asscociation for the Prevention of Family Abuse, or something like that (APFV) They provide group counseling for the victims and counseling for children if needed. They also help you find a place to live and any clothing or furniture you may need if you left in a hurry.

I'm sorry to say that I don't feel that you're husband will change, unless he shows some serious efforts to get some help for himself. I have been through this, not to the extent that you have but my dh did get help and is continuing therapy. It isn't all a bed of roses but he is trying and there has been change. My dh isn't physically abuse but does have a temper. I don't want my children (son) to copy that behavior so it was he gets help or we leave, simple as that. As long as he is trying and make headway we continue to work on it. If he ever stops and continues with past behaviors, I'm out of here.

Good luck, and welcome to the board. ASL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 10:03pm
The others have addressed your questions and concerns & I don't have anything more to add there, but I do have a question for you. A couple, actually. Do you have children? Is he around children in any capacity? If so, you owe it to those kids to find out if he's been hurting them. Another question I have is if he was sexually abused. If you two can work through this, it seems like asking him that question would be a good place to start.

But first make sure that you and whatever children are involved are safe--and right now that means in a place where he cannot hurt you. (((hugs))) Keep coming back, keep seeking help. Don't stop until you find the help you need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 11:14pm
Thank you all so much for your words of support. Right now everything seems so difficult. I feel a great deal of pressure from my Husband to forgive & move on as if nothing has happened. I have told him I will stay in the house, but not sleep with him & am not sure I will ever be able to be intimate with him again. I suggested he seek a counselor for his own good~no promises that it will save our relationship.

I have young children, but am certain there is no abuse with them. My husbands sexual acts are very voyeristic & fetishy~I see through the history button on my computer that he visits voyer, fetish & wife swap porn sites with great frequency.

As for previous abuse, he claims to not have been abused. I DO have a history of physical abuse from my father as a child. I feel that to a degree my previous history helped formed me into a person who allowed my husband to abuse me. I wish I would have been able to stop it sooner.

He is out of the shower, so gotta go~will try to write more tomorrow. Jem

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 1:58am
I feel I need to say this, even though it may make you angry. If your husband will sexually assault you in your sleep, there is a good chance that he has, or is at least capable of, abusing your children. I think it's important that you acknowledge that and take steps to protect your kids. Read through some of the archives here and see the kind of damage that's been done to those of us trying to recover from childhood sexual abuse, years and years later. And we're the lucky ones. We're the ones who have somehow found the courage to heal. I'm sorry if this angers you, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't speak up. I wish someone had made my mother listen and protect me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 7:26am
I am not angry at all. I understand your concerns for my children. I was not sexually abused, but was physically abused for most of my childhood~so I understand the concerns you have. I am an involved mom to my children. There is really no time they are out of my sight.

I asked my husband point blank about the children & about his own childhood. He said he was not abused & he swore that he has not touched, nor would even think to touch the children.

Please do not feel that any suggestions, help, input you give will anger me. That is why I have come here. I am trying to sort out everything & need the help you are all providing. Jem

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 11:33am
Sorry--I'm standing by my point. You do sleep, so therefore there are times when your children are not being watched by you. I was abused by my father, and my mother was a stay at home Mom. I was abused in the middle of the night. She was in the house when it happened.

And, does it really make sense to you to take your husband's word for whether or not he touched your children? That makes no sense to me, considering his history with you.

This board is a support board, and we are here to support you. I hope that my words here come across as supportive, because that is the spirit in which they are intended. I know that when you're in the middle of a situation, it can be hard to see the forest for the trees.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 9:31pm
I just read your post today and all the responses. I have to say that I agree with what has been said.

I share the same concern freegirl has voiced about your children. If you weren't aware for a time that he was violating you as he was, there's no way you can guarantee he hasn't done something to them in the night. And I wouldn't take his word for it, either. One thing to keep in mind, and I don't want to scare you, is that from a legal standpoint you are obligated to protect your children. I have known of battered women losing custody of their children because they didn't remove themselves and their children from the situation. Even though the husband didn't beat the children, because of what was going on, the potential was there. This happened to a coworker of mine. Her husband ended up going to jail and her kids went into foster care. She had supervised visitation and had to attend classes, etc. to get her kids back. It was so hard and my heart just broke for her.

Your husband's sex behaviors are not healthy. I would be very concerned about the porn sites he visits. People who get addicted to that get to where they need more and more to become aroused because they become desensitized. A lot of the time their appetite for the bizarre gets bigger, too. Children are easy targets for people like this.

Of course your husband is trying to convince you it won't happen again because he wants you to keep quiet. He doesn't want what he's doing to come out in the open. If he can manipulate you and control you, you can help keep his secret.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I wish you the best and hope that you can make the right decision for you and your kids. There are help lines you can call for advice, as well.



Avatar for sunshineydays
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-13-2003 - 1:42am

I have not had those experiences as I am not and have not been married. However, one thought did come to mind and that is I feel skeptical regarding him changing "just like that" and the change being long term. Perhaps if he chose to see a counselor then he could change the behavior and there would be a better chance of that change lasting. I don't know--I am worried that in a short time, it will start again for you. I personally think you have been through enough and have every reason to leave. That being said, I also realize that ending a relationship is no simple, easy, emotion-free experience. I'm just afraid that the difficulty you will have if you stay right now will be worse. Take care! Stacy