Not letting my anger come out
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|Fri, 04-11-2003 - 11:10am|
Honestly, I don't even know where to start. Lately it seems like almost everyday is a struggle. I started this post thinking I could vent and get some stuff out but I'm just stuck. I want to delete this post and saying nothing at all but I've already been doing that and it's not helping me. I've told my T how much I feel like I'm struggling and I've agreed to meet with her 2 times a week until I feel a little more settled or able to handle week long periods between sessions.
*sigh* There's one thing that's been going on a lot lately that I haven't really told my T. It's partly embarassing and I also think I'm making a big deal out of it. But it affects me so much. I've not been in a relationship for quite a while now - 2 years I think. I've had several relationships break up badly so this time around I embraced being single and have enjoyed it. Now I'm starting to think that maybe I should give the dating another chance. I've been looking at guys around my age and it's freaking me out big time. My dad's age, when my abuse started, was 21 or so and it continued steadily until he was about 33 and then another few years on and off from there. I'm going on 30. (I have very young parents - he was just 18 when I was born) An awful lot of the guys I look at remind me of my father and it's just blowing me away. I know I gotta think 'this is now, not then' and 'he's not my father, he is so-so' but man, I hate it. I find that I'm suppressing my anger left and right. I've got a real short fuse. Work is very stressful and the fact that I'm not letting this stuff out, isn't helping me.
I feel stuck because I kinda know that I really should talk to my T but I'm pushing it away so much. There's a part of me still protecting him. My fear of him is still astronomical. Woke up in a nightmare the other night will him standing on my second floor balcony banging on the glass sliding doors and screaming at me to let him in. Today I woke up feeling like I had no sleep and constantly finding myself on guard.
I don't know what I want or need right now. Part of me just wants to vent and part of me wants to be comforted. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm ok right now. I'm safe but it's not enough.
Thanks for listening... Kari