Not letting my anger come out

Avatar for chameleonic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Not letting my anger come out
3
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 11:10am
This post may be somewhat depressing or even triggering so ...consider that a warning.



Honestly, I don't even know where to start. Lately it seems like almost everyday is a struggle. I started this post thinking I could vent and get some stuff out but I'm just stuck. I want to delete this post and saying nothing at all but I've already been doing that and it's not helping me. I've told my T how much I feel like I'm struggling and I've agreed to meet with her 2 times a week until I feel a little more settled or able to handle week long periods between sessions.

*sigh* There's one thing that's been going on a lot lately that I haven't really told my T. It's partly embarassing and I also think I'm making a big deal out of it. But it affects me so much. I've not been in a relationship for quite a while now - 2 years I think. I've had several relationships break up badly so this time around I embraced being single and have enjoyed it. Now I'm starting to think that maybe I should give the dating another chance. I've been looking at guys around my age and it's freaking me out big time. My dad's age, when my abuse started, was 21 or so and it continued steadily until he was about 33 and then another few years on and off from there. I'm going on 30. (I have very young parents - he was just 18 when I was born) An awful lot of the guys I look at remind me of my father and it's just blowing me away. I know I gotta think 'this is now, not then' and 'he's not my father, he is so-so' but man, I hate it. I find that I'm suppressing my anger left and right. I've got a real short fuse. Work is very stressful and the fact that I'm not letting this stuff out, isn't helping me.

I feel stuck because I kinda know that I really should talk to my T but I'm pushing it away so much. There's a part of me still protecting him. My fear of him is still astronomical. Woke up in a nightmare the other night will him standing on my second floor balcony banging on the glass sliding doors and screaming at me to let him in. Today I woke up feeling like I had no sleep and constantly finding myself on guard.

I don't know what I want or need right now. Part of me just wants to vent and part of me wants to be comforted. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm ok right now. I'm safe but it's not enough.

Thanks for listening... Kari

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 4:02am
I listened to an OA tape today about dealing with strong emotions. The speaker was a survivor of sexual abuse, so even though you're not an OA person, I think this will relate. She said that she thinks of strong emotions in a different sort of way. Not something to be feared, or pushed away, or ashamed of. (Like I usually do!) She says that she feels like she's a chick in an egg and she needs to break out of it, and that strong emotions and the ability to feel them are the "push" she needs to break through that shell. ("My God gave me feelings because He wants me to have feelings," she says on the tape. I like that for some reason.) I also like the idea of the strong emotion being considered a push in the right direction instead of something to be feared.

It sounds to me like this is what you're dealing with right now--that the general lack of ease you're feeling has to do with the uncomfortable emotions you're feeling related to the decision to begin dating again. I think it's so admirable that you have the courage to make that change. How many of us get stuck in a rut instead of taking the chance to make changes in our lives? I know I get stuck like that! It takes courage to make yourself vulnerable to those kinds of feelings again. You're de-isolating, and that's never easy--but I think it's always worth it!

(((hugs))) to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 10:14am
Can I ever relate to a portion of your post! Although, in my case, most of the time I don't think I'd call what I do "dating" - that would seem to elevate it to a status of which it is not deserving. But I do have sex with a lot of men and am now in my mid-30's...and these men are starting to remind of my father. As it turns out, that doesn't seem to prevent me from becoming physically aroused, but afterward I end up feeling like crap, guilty, disgusted with myself.


I don't have an answer for this one, but I wanted to let you know at least that you're not alone in this experience.

Take care,

Jill

Avatar for chameleonic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sat, 04-12-2003 - 11:58am


Thanks Jill... I really needed to hear that.

Kari