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|Wed, 04-16-2003 - 12:41pm|
Hello everyone. I wanted to update everyone about the trip I took to my state's capital to speak to the general assembly about the grant that pays for my therapy. I did go, and I have mixed feelings I did. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I think it did bother me a lot. I was so worried about media showing me on TV,and when I got there, it was a closed session. There were reporters outside, and when our Attorney General geve her speech, they were allowed in, but ushered right back out after her message. I was standing there listening to the Attorney General's speech, and you know how you get that feeling of hairs standing up on the back of your neck as if you are being watched? Well, I glanced around, and one of the cameramen had turned his camera on the crowd! I was instantly consumed with panic. I didn't know what to do. So, as usual, I did nothing! As it turned out, no one I knew saw the news even though I was on it, front row. So, my fears turned out to be unfounded. Since this event, I have not been in a good place. I can't say going put me there, but it has been so hard. On the walls of the hallway, an organization (counseling for victims of crime) had placed T-shirts that clients like you and me had drawn on or written on. Some of these were so powerful! I could not take my eyes off of a few. It was like they were speaking to me, and were meant for me to see. It was all I thought of on the ride home (2 hours). That night, in my dreams, those shirts chased me around all night. I could not get away from them. No matter where I turned, they were there. It was so wierd. I spoke to my T that week, and we decided that maybe those shirts were leading me to places in therapy that I need to go. Places I have been avoiding. So, that is where we have been going. AGHHHHHHH! I bought the book, "The Sexual Healing Journey", and we have been progressing through that somewhat. I started to read it on my own, and typical of myself, I rushed headlong into it, and then got scared. I realized I didn't want to do this on my own. That's why I took it to my T and asked that we do it together.
Then, on top of all that, my husband got recalled to a job in a town 2 hours away from us, and we are discussing moving. I don't want to move! I feel safe here, and I am so afraid that once he moves us, he will be deployed (he is in the Army National Guard, and has been deployed 13 months of the last 24) and we will be in a strange town, away from family, ALONE! The other night, after my appt. with my T, I was wiped out. I came home and crawled into bed exhausted. We had discussed the moving thing, and also some things of a sexual nature. When my husband began to be intimate with me, I was thinking that I probably shouldn't do this, but did it anyway (typical of me). Somewhere in the middle, I was triggered (not surprising after the week I had), and freaked. I have done a good job of hiding things like this from him, and this time I couldn't. I was having flashbacks, was shaking, crying, sobbing, and trying to run, but he held me and would not let me leave the room (which is my typical response). Talk about feeling out of control! I could not stop the feelings and was overwhelmed. I think I scared my DH. He has never seen me like this because I get out of the room before it gets this bad. I am trying to compose my thoughts so I can speak to him about what happened. I need him to know that it wasn't his fault. I was able to tell him that I lost track of him during sex, and that it wasn't him doing those things to me, it was some one else. I don't know if he got it or not. His response was to ask what I had been talking about in therapy. He really is not thrilled that I go. I don't want my therapy to be an issue between us, because I won't stop going. I am so much better since I have been going. He has to see that, doesn't he? When he came home from work the next day it seemed like everything was okay. He hugged me and told me he loves me, and that was important for me. I have this huge fear that he will get tired of dealing with my "stuff" and leave me. I am going to ask him to come to therapy with me, but I don't think that will happen. Has anyone had any similiar experiences? About losing it I mean. It was so bad it continued for more than 30 minutes. I am embarassed actually that I could not control myself. I don't ever want to go there again.
Sorry this turned into a book. Writing it out has helped me see some things I think I was avoiding though. Thanks for listening.