Newbie with a concern eating at Me (m)

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Newbie with a concern eating at Me (m)
6
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 7:33pm
Hi...I am a SAHM of 3 beautiful children - 2 girls adn a boy, born 12/2002. DH and I have had issues in our marriage for a long time (we have been married almost 11 years) - ranging from his alchohol probs a long time ago to my moodiness. A concern I can't get over now relates to sexual abuse he witnessed as a child (according to DH, it happened to his brother which he saw happening, not him). DH tells me over and over again that he would never compromise our children with that behavior but when I bring it up (maybe I should steer away from bringing it up??!!) in conversation (usually after watching an Oprah Program about it or something) he gets on the defensive immediately. One time, he even said, that maybe his dad was trying to make his brother a "man" and that thought still is in my head. We have a boy now and I am paranoid and real concerned about this thought. In brief, an alchohol episode happened about 2 1/2 years ago with our DD, then 3. I was away and when I returned my DD said that Daddy got sick in the potty - he was basically strung over drunk. No episode like that has happened since but my trust is so vulnerable because of that too. Sorry for my rambling, but I have time on my hands (DH is taking the kids for a walk) and I thought I would share what is eating at me.....

Thanks for Reading

J

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 3:49am
Welcome, J! I'm glad you found us. I was wondering--does your dh still have a drinking problem? Does he acknowledge that it is a problem? And what sexual abuse issue are you worried about? Do you see a connection btw. the alcohol and the sexual abuse? Just trying to clarify what you were asking about.

Welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 12:09pm
Hi,

I'm just going to share the thoughts I had when I read your post. Please realize that I might be projecting some of my issues b/c your post seemed to hit home with me. It sounds to me as though you want out of this marriage. Period. But perhaps you don't feel you deserve to make this decision for yourself. Or maybe you feel it would be selfish. So, you're looking for reasons that validate your desire. Am I close? See, I did much the same thing when I was agonizing in my old marriage. If I couldn't get a divorce for the kids' sake then I had no right to get out. I looked for any and all reasons to make him out to be the bad guy. Truth was I was miserable, end of story. I realized that staying married was NOT doing my family any favors. Finally a friend asked what if a divorce was just what I needed in order to be happy. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Did I really have that right? Yes, I decided. I thought my children deserved to know what love, real love, was not this miserable, sacrificial stuff that I was living.

Is your dh a potential child abuser b/c of his drinking and what he witnessed? Who knows? Aside from that, are you happy?

I'm sorry if I'm too far off the mark. This just sounded too familiar to me so I wanted to share my thoughts. I wish you the greatest of peace, however you can find it.

**gentle hugs**

Gail


Edited 4/19/2003 12:11:05 PM ET by cl-opal45

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 1:17pm
Thanks to both of you for your replys. It's a little of both, fears of potential Repeat Abuse and unhappiness in this marriage. I have considered and had many, many thoughts (even nightmares) about ending this marriage. What will it do to the kids? Where will I go? DH is a great provider (Am I spoiled?) but I see a lot of Potential History and I don't like his family (nor Do/have they ever liked me) which is part of him if that makes sense. We had a joint counselor meeting just yesterday. The Therapist was talking about the proper ways to communicate (I statements instead of You Statements etc) and when I brought up these thoughts of the Past Episodes bothering me, she basically told me to get over it, deal with the here and now. She also told me that If I wanted to delve into the past, that is another type of therapy all together???!! Anyway, I have three young ones to think about. I am so sad and scared about this all! Thanks again for Reading!

Jeanne

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 1:36pm
Jeanne,

I can certainly hear the sadness and the confusion in your post. I just wanted to ask, were you been sexually abused as a child? I don't mean to pry and please don't feel as though you must answer this question. But if that's the case then it may explain many of your fears and anxieties.

Avatar for jamblessedthree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 2:24pm
...No, I was never sexually abused. DH was or witnessed it. My insecurities do stem from my own dysfunctional family to some extent - my dad and mom fought a lot. Dad used to have nicknames for mom's weight problem (mom is now deceased). I never saw mom and dad hold hands or kiss in public. I was spanked and dad's moods always affected us to some degree, one way or another. I have been staying with DH thru his previous history, basically as a caregiver a lot of the time. I remember a drinking episode when he was able to call from jail, I felt so sorry for him so I went and got him (many years ago, b4 the kids were born) and the episode when our 3 Y O witnessed him getting sick in the toilet. He was so apologetic the day after and yes, I fell into his tenderness again. I can tell you and DH will probably admit it, that he is a situation drunk. He does admit to his wrongs and tells me he would never compromise our kids again but my trust is so vulnerable and just out there! Do you mind sharing what finally took you over the edge to go thru a divorce??!!........

Thanks

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 1:04pm
Whether or not you end up getting a divorce, you might want to check out an al-anon meeting. I'll bet you'll learn a lot from the people you meet there. Just an idea, take it or leave it!