Update on me & A big HOW ARE YOU?
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| Tue, 04-22-2003 - 3:08am |
I went to the doc today & got a prescription for the PMDD problems I've been having. I feel good about taking that step. I hate needing the medication, but at least it's a medication I can take only while I'm having the symptoms instead of all month long, and it's one that isn't usually associated with weight gain.
While I was there, I was filling the doc (actually a nurse practitioner) in on my history, and I was describing the PMDD problems I've been having, and she tossed out a few options for me--birth control pills, going back on zoloft or effexor, etc . . . and for each one, I had a weight concern, which I expressed to her. After I brought up the weight concern a couple of times, she stopped and said, "You're not carrying that much extra weight. Why are you so concerned about that?" It was a real shock, because that's not my body image at all. I feel like I look like I'm carrying *a lot* of extra weight.
When I am with other women in particular, I am always comparing myself and of course I never measure up. The standards I place on myself are always tougher than the ones I would place on anyone else. I would never judge someone for her weight, or dislike her for her weight. Yet that's the pressure I put on myself. Anyway, this experience with a real health professional telling me that I'm not carrying that much extra weight in such stark contrast with my own body image really tells me that I have a lot of work to do on body image.
And, I got a consult for some physical therapy for my pulled achilles tendon. I miss my running!!!
So, that's where I'm at. I would really love it if everyone would check in to just say how you're doing lately. So, HOW ARE YOU????
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I've been wanting to reply to various posts but haven't had the heart to type anything. I've fallen into a slump again and this time around I really tried to use some of the skills that I've learned in group therapy. I've reached out to a close friend and I got a very upsetting and hurtful response. I'm struggling with what seems like everything.
I feel like nobody understands me these days and I just feel like I'm withdrawing more and more. I see myself withdrawing, I feel myself withdrawing and yet nobody seems to see it. I feel like I need to scream or do something drastic for attention when all I want is someone to understand me. I'm feeling very alone these days and the fact that I'm pushing everyone away makes me feel even worse. The more I push, the more I feel like walls are closing in on me.
I'm hurting...and I don't know what else to say. Kari
I know I can definitely relate to the withdrawing thing. That's where my "automatic pilot" directs me when things start to get to be too much. I am fortunate to have a best friend who can read that on me. She called me a few weeks ago, when the war first started and my anxiety was through the roof, and she said, "I haven't heard from you in awhile, so I knew I needed to call." I instantly started crying and just let all that gunky stuff out, and I felt better afterward. It was a good emotional plunging. LOL
Anyway, there's no need to withdraw from us here. Maybe if you vented here, you'd find the understanding and acceptance you want. Maybe we should ask Ivillage for a plunger icon. :o}
My last main post was titled "I Think I'm Feeling Too Good?" And I'm still feeling "fine." Had my long-awaited appt. with my therapist and talked to her about it, and she agreed that maybe I'm at a stage where I'm regrouping. I'm just trying to enjoy it. She asked if I felt I had gotten everything I needed counseling-wise on the SA, and I told her I honestly didn't know.
One thing I have noticed is that my sleep patterns are getting messed up again; however, this is normal for me. I have ADD, and for as long as I can remember I've gone through periods where I stay up REALLY late doing things and then drag and have to nap during the day. I have had this connected to depression and anxiety, too, but I don't feel either of those things right now. My brain is just busy.
Well, so there I go. "Fine."
Have a good week, everyone! Heidi
Hugs, April
I have been in and out of inpatient/outpatient therapy for anorexia/bulemia/and severe depression. I have those body image issues,and they started out pretty innocently, like you describe. But somewhere along the way my thinking became totally skewed that everyone else was looking at me and comparing themselves to me. After so much therapy I have FINALLY had this big breakthrough that the thinking I had was all due to shame I felt. I thought everyone was looking at me, and by looking at me they could not only tell I was a SA victim, but that they could see all the "stuff" I was carrying around with me. (perceived by me as fat when I looked in the mirror, no matter how thin I became) I remember all the frightening images in my head, all the flashbacks.....I walked around feeling like all the people I encountered could actually see what happened in my head. Sounds nutty when I type it our here, but that was my life for so many wasted years.
And it continues to "eat" away at me. I felt guilty for eating, because I did not deserve to nourish my body, guilty for spending time in therapy...(I mean active time in therapy, not sitting there being half truthful and letting my mind leave the therapists office)...because I didn't deserve to nourish my mind or my soul. I felt all this because someone (actually more than one) decided to commit a crime against me as a child.
I have had some progress, and I think this time I'll keep my progress instead of back sliding. I almost died about two months ago, I took Metabolife and had a really bad reaction to it. Probably because I had already gone 48 hours without eating, and decided to take two pills and go for a run. I am lucky I am alive. Lucky to be able to look over at my little guy sleeping on the couch, and lucky to be typing this message to you.
I got some permanent heart damage out of the deal, and some neurological after affects of my head injury (I passed out and fell on the concrete.) But I am alive, and thanking God for that, and using my story to hopefully help. I love you just the way you are, and I will never look at you and judge you, or tell you that all your insecurities are in your head.......because they are not! What all of us went through is not some easy thing to "get over", and we are all affected in such a unique way. And it only makes sense that body image would be a BIG part of it.
So, am I cured? No. Do I wrestle with this everyday? Yes. But I can put it in perspective, know that what I went through is the root of my feelings about myself, but not what actually defines me as a person, and chose to fight against the lies that my mind constantly says about me. It gets easier to do over time. I've decided to be like you........a SURVIVOR.
Love,Peace, and Power,
Lynn