Anxiety & Fear *Poss. Triggers*
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|Thu, 04-24-2003 - 7:37pm|
I had a little realization this morning, and it surprised me, so I thought I'd share it. I woke up feeling anxious today, and I didn't really know why. I even skipped out on my volunteer work this morning because I felt I needed the rest. I put some of my OA tools to work, and I prayed about it. I asked my higher power what it was I was feeling fearful about, and I had one of the *crystal clear, this feels 100% true* thoughts that I have come to accept as my higher power answering my prayers (I hope that doesn't sound too crazy!)--and I realized that I'm nervous because I bought a size 12 pair of pants the other day. I have often heard of people using weight to protect themselves from sexual abuse, but I never thought that's what it was about for me. I always thought I was dulling the pain with food.
When I was a freshman in high school, I went from a size 8 to a 14 in two months because of some comments my abuser made about my body. He stopped making sexual attraction comments and started making fat jokes and insults at me. I think my mind translated this reality into "size 14=safe." Now that I'm starting to dip below that size, it's making me nervous. But the good thing is that once I recognized this truth about my thinking, the anxiety was alleviated. I feel more peaceful, because I know that the reality is not that being less than a size 14 means that I am unsafe. I just think that was a belief one of my inner children was carrying around. It's good to start to let that go.
Thanks for listening!