Anxiety & Fear *Poss. Triggers*

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Anxiety & Fear *Poss. Triggers*
5
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 7:37pm
*POSSIBLE TRIGGERS*

I had a little realization this morning, and it surprised me, so I thought I'd share it. I woke up feeling anxious today, and I didn't really know why. I even skipped out on my volunteer work this morning because I felt I needed the rest. I put some of my OA tools to work, and I prayed about it. I asked my higher power what it was I was feeling fearful about, and I had one of the *crystal clear, this feels 100% true* thoughts that I have come to accept as my higher power answering my prayers (I hope that doesn't sound too crazy!)--and I realized that I'm nervous because I bought a size 12 pair of pants the other day. I have often heard of people using weight to protect themselves from sexual abuse, but I never thought that's what it was about for me. I always thought I was dulling the pain with food.

When I was a freshman in high school, I went from a size 8 to a 14 in two months because of some comments my abuser made about my body. He stopped making sexual attraction comments and started making fat jokes and insults at me. I think my mind translated this reality into "size 14=safe." Now that I'm starting to dip below that size, it's making me nervous. But the good thing is that once I recognized this truth about my thinking, the anxiety was alleviated. I feel more peaceful, because I know that the reality is not that being less than a size 14 means that I am unsafe. I just think that was a belief one of my inner children was carrying around. It's good to start to let that go.

Thanks for listening!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 9:17am
Free Girl......

I think you got it! Give yourself a big horaay, and another one for sharing and maybe opening up someone elses eyes.

I used being too thin as a way to be "safe", because I remember the perp saying something to me when I was starting to develop about "getting some meat on my bones", and something about that being attractive. (I'll spare you all the exact words!)

I also used not eating as a way to feel some pain other than the physical and emotional pain I was feeling, and over eating can be the same thing. I don't feel like people who overeat always do that to "numb" the pain per se, but to cause a litle bit of their own pain.......causing your own pain gives you a sense of control. You know you are going to feel pain anyway, but the pain others cause you is something you can't control.

Did I lose you on that one? I used cutting myslef for the same reason. I was in control....I caused the pain.....and it gave me an escape.

I have a personal question for you, don't get offended, by higher power, do you mean God, or just a generic term for something bigger than us? I always wanted to ask that. Just be honest.

Love, Peace, and Power!

Lynn
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 11:57am
I guess I mean God. I don't really know, to be honest, because it's a new relationship. LOL I don't have it all figured out--but in 12 step programs, we just say higher power to make sure we're accepting of all different religions. Also, many people don't believe at all, and their higher power is the group itself. But yes, I do believe in God. Is it the God I learned about in Sunday School? I don't know. I just know that I finally feel like I'm able to communicate with God.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 1:07am
Oh, that's beautiful. I can "hear" you smiling as I read that. I've been through 12 step myself, and always will be going through it myself. I was not raised in a christian home, but saying "higher power" always felt uncomfortable to me, I just wondered how it felt to other people, and never felt comfortable enough to ask before. thanks!

Lynn
Avatar for sunshineydays
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 10:10pm
That's wonderful that you came to that realization! I'm so happy for you!:) Stacy
Avatar for chameleonic
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Sat, 04-26-2003 - 11:47pm


I can so relate to a lot of what you said. Losing weight is such a struggle for me because I know I put it on as protection. Every time I start to lose a little and people compliment me, I freak. I panic and put it right back on. It's a terrible cycle to be in. My old T strongly believes I'll be able to drop the extra weight I have once I work through some of my core SA issues.

I'm glad you were able to recognize what was really going on inside. That's got to be such a tremendous feeling.

Kari