QOTW: Mother's Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
QOTW: Mother's Day
7
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 9:16pm
Does Mother's Day bring up any SA-related issues for you? Please feel free to share them here.

Also--what are you doing this Mother's Day? I was thinking that many of us with abusive and/or neglectful mothers actually mothered ourselves when we were kids. Also, many of us believe it's our responsibility to mother our inner children today. Would you consider honoring the mother in you this Mother's Day? How might you do that? A gift? A card? Or how about looking in the mirror and saying, "Happy Mother's Day. Thanks for taking the best care of me that you could." I think that's what I'll do.

(((hugs))) to all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 9:33am
This is a very sensitive topic for me. Me and my mom have not spoken for nearly two years. I just joined a woman's group and we are to write letters to our mothers. I started mine last nite and didn't get to bed till like 230am working on it. I have a lot of anger, but this year I think it's more sadness. Grieving for what I won't have. It brings up issues like the fact that when I told her my father abused me she said she didn't believe me, and that I was just trying to get them divorced. She was never there for me. She drank and was a cold person. I never had the mom I really needed. I did just send my one aunt - who I am close to some flowers for Mom's day and told her she's always been like a mom to me. I am supposed to work on Mom's day. I have two boys so I'm a mom myself so most of the time I celebrate that...but I liked your idea of doing something for ourselves for being our own mother....

Thanks,

Amy
Nurturedheartmom

Amy -

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 11:30am
(((Amy))) All I can say is that I understand how you feel. It really does hurt. I wish I could give you this hug in person!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 11:38am
This is my fourth Mother's Day without my Mother in my life. It's easier than the past few years, but I do still feel a sadness. It's not a debilitating sadness, though, so I'm ok with it. I guess it's just a sadness that the vast majority of my family chooses not to heal. Ours is a family in which the sexual abuse ran rampant. My sister and I are the only ones who are dealing with it. Everyone else wants to pretend it didn't happen.

I mentioned this to some OA people, and I'll mention it here. I used to feel guilty that I cut off contact with my mother, but I don't anymore. If my parents had only been abusive in the past and weren't abusive in the present, they would still be in my life. My lack of contact with them is not about punishment; it's about protecting myself and my family. I'm really grateful that I don't have the guilt I used to have, because that was very destructive for me.

And I'm definitely going to tell myself Happy Mother's Day this Sunday. I also sent flowers to my MIL and G-MIL. My MIL, in particular, has been so supportive of me. She acts like she's my mother now. She knows everything about the abuse, and she is so wonderful and loving. I thank God for her often. There is so much to celebrate. (((hugs))) to all of our Moms out there--whether you have children of your own, or were a Mom to yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 11:52am
Thanks for the hug! Yes, it does hurt, I wish I knew or had hope that this would get easier....as time goes on. But I just don't know anymore.

THanks,

Amy
Nurturedheartmom

Amy -

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 4:00pm
My mother was my abuser but I've come feel that what she did was out of love (albeit very distorted love) and I'm trying to forgive. My brother, sister-in-law, aunt, and mom are all getting together for Mother's Day. I do believe that I have had to "fill in" for my mother many times growing up when she just wasn't able or willing to give me the right kind of parenting. I feel proud that I'm doing well and it's a great idea to thanks ourselves on Mother's Day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 5:53pm
I had an absentee mother. She was very self centered and could not be bothered with us. When my siblings were beaten, she would leave the room. She acted like this was all about her and how dare we all act so badly. She did nothing to stop this. My siblings have never forgiven her. I raised my two younger siblings and have been responsible for my eldest sibling's children at times over the years.

I struggled with my feelings toward my mother for years. I was in therapy and on tranquilizers for it. I finally came to realize that it is "O-kay" if I didn't like my mother. It didn't make me a bad person. We have had numerous times over the years where we did not speak. That was the best thing for me at the time. I came to realize that the only time she really disappoints me, is when I expect her to be a mother. She is not capable of this.

It still hurts and it is still sad, but I am happy that I am in this relative place of peace. It was a long struggle, but well worth it.

Happy Mother's day to everyone! Especially to those who have mothered me over the last few days. THANK YOU!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
Sat, 05-10-2003 - 4:10am
What a fabulous idea to thank ourselves for taking care of us on Mother's Day! I would never have thought of that, but it is so appropriate. Especially since I've been doing Inner Child work, and ultimately the child inside is supposed to get to where she feels safe and secure because the Adult me is providing the security and safety she needs.

I have hated Mother's Day for many years now, from the aspect of having a mother to honor. Being the oldest in my family, I took on the role of "mothering" my mother. Anytime she was mad or upset and we didn't understand why I shouldered the blame and took the responsibility of trying to make her feel better. My mother is very toxic and by my choice I have limited contact with her, just because it's safer for me that way.

The hardest thing about Mother's Day for me for quite awhile has been trying to select a Mother's Day card. Most of them have beautiful verses that don't apply to my mom. Going through them and reading them has brought either tears or anger many times. I've opted over the last couple of years for the kind that are blank inside, or a funny one that might make her smile. I do tell her that I love her, but I can't thank her for my upbringing or being there for me. There was a time while I was in denial about the kind of family I come from, and I used to buy the really sappy ones that described the kind of relationship I WANTED. I wanted it so bad that I bought into the lie that our bond was that way. That would set me up for hurt over and over again.

This year I got one with a joke in it, and bought a pair of gardening gloves because she likes doing yardwork. I've kept gifts really simple over the past couple of years because I just don't have the energy to try and find just the "right" gift for her.

My mother in law is a pleasure to send cards to. She is so sweet. My husband was truly blessed to be adopted by her and my father in law. We found hubby's biological mother about three years ago and maintain a relationship with her, as well. He has been so happy to be able to send her Mother's Day cards. It has been very healing for the two of them. I'm glad that I have these two women in my life as well besides my own mother.

I am definitely going to acknowledge myself this Mother's Day for mothering me. What a great idea; thank you!

Heidi