Thanks..picked up the books today..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thanks..picked up the books today..
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 11:13pm
but I haven't brought myself to open them yet...I also bought a new notebook to journal in. I thought I was picking up purple, my fav color, and as I went to scan it (I use the do-it-yourself checkout lanes at my local grocery store often) I realized I'd picked up black instead. My first thought was "Ick, I hate black, best go put it back and get purple." Then I thought "No wait, it'll be rather appropriate since I'll be reaching into the blackness in me..."

I also picked up "Allies in Healing: When the person you love was sexually abused as a child" for my husband. He's said he'll read it...he wants to understand and try to help as much as he can.

Another book I picked up that looks good is called "Writing to Heal the Soul" by Susan Zimmerman. I am a writer, but have always purposely avoided this topic and this looks like it'll help me to get started with getting it all out in the open.

I can't see myself in therapy (it was used against me as a child many times...a story for another time) but maybe later on I might try a support group that meets in person. I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet though.

Came home from the bookstore and Paul and I talked a little at dinner (the kids had already eaten) and I cried some. Man I hate crying...feel so weak to let the tears fall, but I know I can't keep holding back all the time. He has said before, and said it again tonight, that he'll give me all the time and support I need from him to get through this. He's known about the abuse since early in our marriage, but I was still very much trying to prove how much it didn't affect he never really understood before now that I've never dealt with it and how much it has contributed to the problems in our marriage.

He also forgave me..I had said that I've long felt like I was lying to him and cheating him of a real wife because of this inner pain and guilt and hurt and brokeness...and that it's pretty much the root of my unconscious sabotage of our relationship.

I am so blessed that Paul is willing to stay, to give me time, to try to understand and help me heal...

Avatar for free_girl_123
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 1:11am
I'm so happy that you have such a supportive person in your life. That really helps. I'm glad you picked up those books, too. The one about writing sounds wonderful. Please let me know how it is! (I'm a writer and writing teacher, too!)
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 7:59pm
It sounds like you are off to a great start! Don't be too hard on yourself about not wanting to open the books yet. It's a big step, and an emotional one.

Also, if you're anything like me, I wanted to read it all and fix it "right now." I'm very much the type of person who immediately starts researching things for answers. One thing I found very quickly with this type of reading is that I can only take a little at a time. I wasn't prepared for some of the emotions that rose to the surface very quickly. Then I had to take time to digest them, acknowledge them and work through them. Once I felt stronger about I could move on to another part. So be patient with yourself if you find you have to take it a little at a time. And the journaling--soooo invaluable.

You are definitely blessed to have a husband who is supportive and wants to work through this with you. I am confident that the two of you can do this. My husband and I have both been in counseling for personal issues and have been able to support each other. I know it can be done.

All the best to you.

Love, Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 10:35pm
I will let you know...I had started reading it in the store, but thought I didn't have enough money to get it until tomorrow's payday. I took out my "handy-dandy notebook" that I always carry and started to write down the suggested topics to write on and ended up counting again how much I had and found I could get had a strong pull to me that it would if anything help me to get started writing about things. The first exercise is to start at the beginning of the event or decision or whatever it was that happened...writing for 15 mins not censoring yourself or editing for spelling/grammar, just to get it OUT....longer if you want/need to.

The author attributes a quote to Shakespeare..."Give sorrow words." she suggests to start with "I remember..."

I haven't had a moment to sit yet and start, but my goal is to do so within the next two weeks...

it is so scary to think of facing everything and letting it all out, and it's not something I can do while the kids are awake and Paul is on duty. I need him to be home if I need a hug, and while I cry...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 10:37pm
thanks..I do want to fix it all "right now" and I know I can't. I know that it will take a long time to do so, and that I won't be able to just read through the book and be "cured" so to speak. That's one reason why I bought a copy of the books rather than borrow from the library..I can take as long as I need to with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 1:35am
One writing exercise I like to do is to do as you said, starting with "I remember." I write for ten minutes, non-stop. Then I set the timer again and start with "I don't remember." You'll be amazed with what you come up with.

(This is based on Natalie Goldberg's ideas about "Writing Practice," found in her book, WRITING DOWN THE BONES.)

Good for you for working so hard. You're worth it!