Depressed all the time

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Depressed all the time
4
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 4:20pm
I recently have been suffering from major mood swings and depression to where I feel I am almost bi-polar. I get very angry at every little thing and then cry because I don't know why I am like this. The older I get the worse it is. I am 26 yrs old and lived the life many of you did. When I was about 9 or 10 (don't remember) I was sexually abused by my friends father. I have never told anyone, not my mom, not my husband, nobody. I have wanted to tell somebody for a long time but have never had the courage so that is why I am here. It's good to get it off my chest. When I was 14 I was taken advantage of by an older guy at a party I should not have been at. I was a virgin until that night. I was drunk and high and didn't realize what had happened until the next day. I blame that one on myself. My dad was an alcoholic that beat up on my mom every time he drank. We finally moved away from him when I was 14. I met my now husband and we dated until I was 16 and ended up pregnant. We are now happily married after 10 yrs w/ a 10 yr old son but I have one problem. I suffer from these angry spouts then depression and cry. I think about what my friends father has did more than I have ever in the past. Before it was blocked out. I've been so mad and cried about it so many times that I've even wanted to go to his house (still lives in the same place) do some mean things to him. I know that is way unrealistic and I know I don't want to face the repricusions of doing something so stupid but in some ways I want my revenge. I have major food issues (benging then dieting). I am sitting at work typing this holding back the tears. I want so bad to seek help but I know if I tell a psychologist they will have to go to the police. I've been to a psychologist before and decided not to tell. I don't want to face that chapter in my life but it keeps coming up in my mind. How do I cope? I want these mood swings and depression to just stop! I have always tried to lead the normal life and leave the past in the past. I also fear that he has molested his grandkids. I know he molested his daughter because I was there. It's just aweful!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 5:14pm
I just read your post & I'm so sorry you're going through this. One important thing I wanted to point out, though--a therapist will not necessarily call the police if you go in for help about this issue. The only time they go to the police is if you tell them about a child in imminent danger, and that doesn't sound like that's the case here. So don't let that stop you from getting the help you deserve & need. I recognize all of the side effects from sexual abuse that you mentioned--I've experienced them all myself. I want you to know that healing is possible. Three years ago, I wanted to die. Now I love my life and I am happy. That's because I made the decision to heal. You can do it, too.

Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 10:18pm
I can see a lot of similarity in my story to yours. I, too, married young - mostly as an escape - and God blessed me with enough sense to find a good husband. And blessed me by sending him, too of course. Lot's of blessings.

But, when I was about your age, the forgotten surfaced. I agonized for months and became very depressed. I thought about going for professional help, and did not. I told my husband my secret, and while he is a wonderful man, he did not understand. He actually told me it was okay, all kids experiment. (Not with dirty old men, not if they can help it.) He doesn't believe in therapy. He tried to make it better, but he had his own issues and did not know how. Long story short, I buried it again. Now it's 18 years later. The forgotten invaded my dreams. I react to many events as if they were happening then. I've been diagnosed with PTSD and dysthymia. My kids have had to live with a sometimes severely depressed, always anxious Mom. It took my son's behavior issues as a teenager to drive me to therapy. Now he is married and out on his own, and I am still in therapy. I truly wish I had had the guts to stand up for myself and get the help I needed when I was your age. My marriage and my relationship with my kids is real now. I feel like I really missed a lot by trying so hard to act like I thought I should. I still have a lot of work to do, but if I had started earlier, I wouldn't have suffered for so long.

I hope you will find someone that can help you deal with this - now. I now think that these chapters have to be faced for us to be real. And if we have the desire to be real, it will cause these chapters to invade our lives a little stronger each time we push them back. The time, effort and money are worth it. You're worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 2:15am
Hello, and welcome to the board. I'm really glad you had the courage to post here. I posted for the first time several months ago, and it was a huge step for me. My heart was pounding and I was shaking. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself. It was my first step in verbalizing it besides to my husband. I have been in counseling for a couple of years for other issues, and after posting here decided to address my SA with my counselor. I was nervous to tell her, but felt so much better afterward. She encouraged me to remember that she does not view me as dirty for the things that I talked about, and that she has seen a lot and looks at this from a clinical perspective.

My memories started surfacing five years ago, and I told my husband. He believed me and was as supportive as he knew how to be, but I really feel that addressing it with a counselor has made a huge difference. She has been able to help me make sense out of reactions and emotions, and has helped me a lot with Inner Child work.

As Freegirl already mentioned, in your type of situation a counselor is not going to call the cops on your perpetrator. The decision to address this from a legal standpoint would be up to you. In my case I was not interested in legal action; I wanted to address it so that I could make more sense out of my life and become more whole as a person. Addressing the SA helped things to fall into place. Things about my life that didn't make sense started making sense when I accepted that it did indeed happen and started addressing it as a fact.

I was wondering if you are currently taking any medication for the depression and anxiety? I am on an anti-depressant and it has really helped me, especially since the task of addressing the SA and other abuses I've been working through bring up a lot of difficult emotions. It's hard work, but so worth it. The medication has helped me stay on more of an even keel. I also have an "as needed" medication for anxiety when I can feel it coming on, because I have had panic attacks over the last couple of years. They have become less frequent over the past year as a whole, although I needed it more when I started addressing the SA. I'm not saying that you need meds, but it may be something to consider. It has made a huge difference for me.

Telling is a huge step, and you've taken it by posting here. Be sure and congratulate yourself for that! I highly recommend counseling; a lot of people start that just for depression, so if you're not ready to tell your husband about the SA you could tell him that you need help for the mood swings and depression. It's not lying, because the SA is likely the cause of your symptoms. From there, after counseling for awhile it's very likely that a good counselor can help you with "telling."

I hope some of this has helped, and I hope that you will continue to post here. It's good to have you!

{{{gentle hugs}}}

Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

Avatar for vick_mp
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 11:20am
I thank all you for your great advice and input. It has taken me awhile to get back to this board because I didn't want to go back to thinking about this. I'm so glad I'm not alone in all this I just wish I could tell my husband now. I really want to but I fear it will ruin our sex life. Knowing him he'll feel bad and not want to touch me. I also fear he will pay a visit to the man who took advantage of me. He has quite the temper when he comes to someone hurting his family and I fear revenge will be what he tries to get. If I didn't tell him who it was I'm sure he would continue to press the issue until I did.

I am not an any mediciation right now. I just deal w/ the depression and mood swings the best I can. I find myself unhappy and crying more than ever and know something has to be done. I will work on getting the courage to seek counseling. I know that is probably the best thing but I dread doing it. For a long time it was easier to just forgot the thoughts and move on. That doesn't seem to be working anymore.

Again, thanks for your advice and support!