V&Vs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
V&Vs?
8
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 2:57am
How about a vents & victories post relating to the long weekend? Anything you'd like to vent? Did you have a victory you'd like to share?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:16am
I have a vent!

Yesterday we were at my mom's for a barbecue. As my dh were leaving with our kids one of my mom's neighbors walked up and was chatting with me and my brother. I mentioned to her that I had noticed some of her daughter's scrapbook pages in the catalog for a stamping company that I buy my stamps from. Her daughter works for the company, so they use a lot of her work. I commented that she does a really nice job and told her that I'm starting to really get into stamping and that it was really fun.

Do you know what this woman SAID? Keep in mind I'm paying her compliments. . .

She said, "Your mom and I have discussed this at length--we've decided that you mothers these days would rather sit around and stamp and scrapbook than clean your houses." I could not believe how rude that was! This woman is about as psycho and people stupid as my mom is. I laughed and told her they had their hobbies back then, too, and she said, "Yeah, we CLEANED." My brother cracked a joke, and said, "Listen to her, trying to make it sound like they're pioneers or something." All of this I said in joking tones. It hadn't registered how rude she was being. Whenever something like this happens I'm so stunned that someone would actually talk like that that it doesn't hit me until after the fact. I should have said something like, "Well we all need our coping mechanisms to deal with the crappy childhoods we all had from mothers who cared about nothing except how clean their houses are," or "a clean house doesn't make you a good mom."

It really pissed me off that my mom is sitting there with her stupid friends criticizing her kids and anyone else their ages who have hobbies. I don't scrap and stamp all the time, they are pastimes. And my house is often cluttered, but I have ADD and they have no idea how difficult it is for me to keep up with things. I do well to remember where my kids need to be at various times. In the meantime I'm also in therapy, which in and of itself is hard work.

The victory of this, I guess, is that I don't feel guilty for being MAD! So I'm making progress! I just wish I would have flipped off a reply that would have made her feel stupid for opening her big mouth.

Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 3:21pm
Thank you for this post. I used to be one of those clean house mothers, and then I made a conscious decision to stop. I realized that cleaning all the time didn't make me happy. Now I have a messy house, which I clean every so often, but which is cluttered most of the time, and I am happier. I hadn't looked at it this way before, but that actually shows remarkable growth in the self-love department. My happiness is worth something to me. When I was a clean house mother, my happiness wasn't even a factor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 3:33pm
I have a vent. I am angry with myself today. My dh's ship pulled into a port for the first time in four months. Instead of being happy for him for getting a well-deserved break, I find myself full of jealousy and suspicion and ugly thoughts. Resentment and anger are growing inside of me, and it feels awful. I know in my head the reason port calls bother me. When my father used to drink, he sexually abused me. He was cruel to my mother. He leered at women. He went to strip bars. He probably cheated on my mother, but I don't know that for sure. He certainly put himself out there. And I know that drinking is a part of having a port call when you're in the Navy. So part of my mind believes that if my husband drinks, he will turn into a lecherous kind of person, too. I am so filled with fear, even though I think it's irrational fear. It's like my brain knows the fear is not based in reality, but my heart feels it anyway. There is a huge disconnect between my head and my heart.

I guess I should appreciate the progress. It used to be that my head and my heart would be in the same place--and that was an ugly place. Now at least my head has moved on. Hopefully my heart will follow. I know that I am at high risk today of compulsively overeating. HIGH risk. I have been abstinent from COE for several months now, and I am afraid of what a binge could do to me. I don't want to go down that road again. That is not the answer for me.

So that is my vent. What an awful, jealous person I am. I am so angry at myself for feeling this way. It's not fair to my dh. It's not fair to do this to myself. I feel like I just want to go to bed and sleep until the port call is over. I am not in a good place today!

Avatar for sunshineydays
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 6:05pm
You're right--it is okay to be mad and, for what it's worth, you have good reason to be! While I was reading your post about how you didn't register how rude she was being at the time, I thought to myself--> that is maybe a good thing. Had you said the things you thought of later, then you would have been stooping to her level--a level you obviously don't want to be at. Just a thought--I personally think you handled it quite well because she was trying to get a rise out of you and she didn't see the reaction she thought she would! Take care, stacy
Avatar for sunshineydays
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 6:09pm
You are NOT an awful, jealous person. You are having jealous feelings and thoughts, but given what you described from your childhood--who wouldn't?! Your reaction is quite normal and you recognize that the fear is irrational, that you are experiencing a disconnect between your heart and mind, and that is positive. My T always tries to remind me that my feelings do not define me. I have a hard time with that, but I know she's right. Take care of yourself--I'm thinking of you! Stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 9:18pm
I can certainly understand! Besides, if mom had paid attention and chronicled the little girl's growing up instead of having her head stuck in the toilet, cleaning, we probably wouldn't be here, reading this board!!!! Nor trying to compensate for ADD from probably having too much going on at one time that we didn't need to be dealing with then!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 9:28pm
Hi, Freegirl--

I'm sorry I didn't respond to you sooner; I've been pretty self-absorbed this week with my own issues.

Hope you're feeling better. I can totally relate to what you mean about your heart not having caught up with your head yet. I've noticed the same thing with myself. Intellectually I get it, but getting my feelings in line is a much more difficult process.

I think the amount of self-awareness you have is great! And I don't think you're an awful person. It's perfectly understandable why you are/were feeling the way you did when you posted. Maybe instead of getting angry with yourself, congratulate yourself on being able to identify why those feelings surfaced? You've been doing this a lot longer than I have, so I don't feel qualified to give advice to you, but I do think you should be kind to yourself.

You have accomplished a lot and come a long way, from what you describe! Remind yourself of that and do something nice for YOU (not ice cream, LOL--in reference to the COE! I say that because I love ice cream when I'm feeling bad.)!

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 9:42pm
Wanted to thank those who responded to my vent--I appreciated the kind words! I still need a lot of validation with my feelings (something I am trying to get past), so thank you.

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board