Need Shoulder To Cry On

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Need Shoulder To Cry On
6
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 11:28am
I was sexually abused for 4 yrs when I was a child. I am 33 yrs old now and it started when I was age 11. I have tried to deal with it on and off through the years and had some really bad therapists so I didn't get to far. I have a good one now but I have suicidal issues too and so when we work on this and I am suicidal she backs off for a bit. I get told by other people to drop it it happened over twenty years ago. I know that eventually if I don't end up killing myself that I will be able to deal with it but that I won't ever forget it. Now I met a girl online a couple months ago and she is 3 yrs older then me and married like me. We got together for lunch once and I thought we were becoming good friends. She would send me cards and letters just to say hi. Now the other day she wrote me a letter bashing me because I don't work right now because of my depression and suicidal ideation and also because My past isn't in the past. I am crushed by this. I am not a bad person I just had a bad thing happen to me. Sorry if I am rambling I am just really hurt and sad and wonderng what I am still doing here. Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Tue, 05-27-2003 - 3:25pm
Hi and welcome, Andrea. You came to the right place. There are lots of shoulders here to cry on. I know what you mean about going through depression and being suicidal. People blame you for it, as if it were a choice or a character defect instead of an illness. I can't wait for the day when mental illness is treated the way body-illnesses are treated. People used to think if you were sick you had the devil in you, and that has changed, so maybe there is still hope!

Have you ever tried joining an AMAC group? (Adults Molested As Children) It's a support group for people who have been through sexual abuse. I have belonged to one for a year now, and it has changed my life. This board has also helped me feel not quite so alone. I'm glad you found us & I hope you keep coming back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 2:52pm
I am really glad I found this board and I was in a group once for women survivors of childhood sexual abuse. When I started having flashbacks during the group the group leader told me I couldn't come back. I am trying to work one on one with my therappist about it but since I have been suicidal we have kind of backed off for a bit. Thank you for your support and encouragement. Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 8:42pm
It saddens me to know that you were excluded from a group because of having a very normal reaction to working through sexual abuse issues. I don't think that would be a problem in the group I'm in now, so maybe someday you will find another group that will help. And keep coming back here! (((hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 10:35pm
Thanks! I am trying to work on the sexual abuse issue but since I am currently am suicidal my therpaist has backed off to get me through being suicidal and then when I am stable we will start working on it again but the memories are so hard to deal with. Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 05-28-2003 - 11:30pm
So, readingfanatic--what do you like to read? :o} I'm a reading fanatic, too! I just finished John Irving's The Fourth Hand, and I'm halfway through Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake. (Her new one.) They're both good--but I liked Irving's better. I also have Alice Sebold's autobiography, Lucky, which will probably be the next thing I read. It's about her rape. I'm looking forward to see what she wrote about it. Oh yeah, I'm also reading a book by the Dalai Lama, An Open Heart. Very interesting! I'm learning about meditation. I love summer reading! :o}
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Thu, 05-29-2003 - 8:47pm
Hi, Andrea--

I'm sorry I haven't replied to you sooner. Life has been nuts lately with school ending for my kids (all the winding-down activities, etc.) and I haven't kept up here the way I try to.

I wanted to welcome you here. I hope you'll feel good being here and find it helpful to you. I have loved the support and encouragement I've found on this board.

I also wanted to let you know that the difficulties you are dealing with are very normal for what you have been through. You can't just shut the door on the things that have happened to you. You've likely spent years trying to ignore the feelings and thoughts that have been there because of your SA, and they have to be acknowledged. And it takes time to work through things. Freegirl has given you some good insights and suggestions!

Is your husband a good support to you? Does he know about the SA? I hope that he is understanding and loving towards you.

Please come here as often as you need to--venting is fine! It helps a lot to get things out, and we certainly understand a lot of what you're going through! Looking forward to getting to know you better.

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board