iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 10:47am
Hi. Years ago when I was a college freshman, I was very young, stupid & did some things I truly regret. I very much became a person that I wasn't --if that makes sense. I was pretty permiscuous (spelling). One night I was drinking in my friends room--trash bash/w everclear--terribly nasty stuff. I remember going to my rooom & laying down. I remember waking up across campus in a strange room with my pants off. Almost everything else in between is completely blank. I found out later of course what had really happened. Some guy came to my room & took me to this other room where more than 1 guy had their turn with me. It really makes me sick to even type this, but my therapist thought it would be good to write it down. My husband thought it would be good to try & find someone who has gone through something similar. I blocked this out for several years but recently its been on my mind a lot. I've always been very negative towards myself, gone as far as totalling belittling myself--hating myself, thinking i'm no good, that my family deserves better, etc. I NEVER was like that before--I actually liked myself, but now--I really don't. I have a 13 yr. old daughter & I just feel so low to her. Does that make sense?

I just told my sister about this last week. The other weird part about this is that one of my cousins, possibly his brother also, went to the same college, & knew what was happening--didnt' do anything to help me, or stop what was going on. I have a tremendous amount of anger towards them that I never realized until recently. My sister happens to live very near him & had words with him. He states he doesn't remember being there, etc. But I know he was--he came & talked to me about thsi a week after it happened. Anyway, so I know I need to talk with him about this in order to get over this hurdle. But I honestly don't know how I can ever forgive myself for allowing this to happen. I feel incredibly guilty, dirty, lower than low. j

Sorry this is long--thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 05-30-2003 - 1:53pm
First of all, welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us, and that you had the courage to write down what happened to you. That is a big step, and a scary one!

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I can tell from your post that you are feeling a lot of guilt and regret over choices that were made back then, but you did not deserve what these people did to you. I would be angry, too, if a member of my family knew what was happening and did nothing to try and stop it. Don't feel guilty for feeling that anger.

Do you see a counselor? If not, that would be my first recommendation. It helps so much to have someone to talk through things with. It provides a "safe place" for you to work through things.

I know that for me, the ages of my children have triggered certain memories of things that happened to me when I was that age. It's like I'm living my youth all over again. It sounds like your daughter's age may be bringing things to the surface. You can use your experiences to share with and teach your daughter so that she doesn't have to go through the same things you have. Please try not to beat yourself up. We all make mistakes, and hopefully we learn and can use what we have learned to help others, especially our children. Those things are in the past, and you have gained wisdom from those experiences.

I hope that you will continue to come here, and will feel comfortable sharing more about yourself. This board has been a wonderful tool for me. The gals here are wonderful.

Here's a (((((((hug))))))) for you!

Love, Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sat, 05-31-2003 - 2:34am
Welcome to the board. I think you will definitely meet people here who have had similar experiences. One thing I'd like to ask you--do you think that any teenage girl who decides to have some drinks at a party is asking to be raped? I ask this because the answer seems pretty obvious to me. Of course not. But I also know that I tend to hold myself to greater standards than I would hold anyone else to. So sometimes if I suspect that I am blaming myself for something, I ask myself if I would blame another person in the same situation. That's how I test if I'm being fair to myself. (I'm almost always not being fair to myself. That's my problem with perfectionism. I am learning in OA how harmful it is to be a perfectionist. And here I always thought that was a good thing!)

Anyway, I hope that you can find a way to be gentler with yourself. I think the worst part of this kind of abuse is the way it turns us against ourselves.