Getting By

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Getting By
7
Tue, 06-03-2003 - 2:58pm
I am seriously starting to work on the sexual abuse. I think I am finally ready because I have been having more flashbacks. I am doing some with my therapist but alot I am doing on my own. Checking books out on sexual abuse and inner child work. Because right now my therapist and I are having problems. My question is will I get better aboutthis intense hatred towards my abuser where I wish he was dead or will I always have this strong emotion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 1:37am
Hi Andrea,

I wish you well as you head into this part of your therapy.

I can't answer your question, but I do think that it's important to allow yourself the emotions you are having and not feel guilty about them. I say this because most of my life I have not felt that it was okay to be angry or upset about things. A lot of this is because I was raised in a home where I wasn't allowed my emotions, and as a result whenever I feel upset about something there is additional internal conflict because not only am I upset but I'm upset about being upset.LOL

Are you looking into getting a new therapist? Do you feel comfortable talking here about the problems you are having with your current one? I ask this because of the fact that you have been dealing with depression/suicidal feelings as well. I would just hate for you to not have the support you need while tackling the SA.

Just be gentle with yourself. Don't push too much too fast, but do address things as they come up. I know I'm the kind of person that wants to fix things RIGHT NOW, and I'm learning more and more that my healing is a *journey*. Take small steps for now, and as you get stronger you can take on a little more at a time.

Sounds like you're in tune with yourself, since you mention feeling "ready." Keep listening to yourself--it's a great guide as you go through this.

Wishing you the best, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 3:19am
Your courage just shines through every one of your posts. You're an inspiration! I hope you can see that in yourself. I sure see it!

I can only tell you about my experience with those feelings. I certainly felt them. (In fact, The Dixie Chicks' "Earl had to Die" was my favorite song for awhile because of this.) And I don't feel that way anymore. Now I feel kind of sorry for my abuser. He ruined his own life far more than he ruined mine. I also feel very distant and detached from him. I think that hatred served its purpose, though. I think it gave me strength until I could find strength that was based on other things, like a sense of self. I didn't have a sense of self before--he made sure of that with all of the abuse. So the only strength I had at my disposal was that anger. As my sense of self has grown, the anger has lessened. In many ways, I feel born again. (Not in the Christian sense, I mean as if my life has started over.)

I hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 12:52pm
Thanks! This isn't easy for me right now because I am fighting suicidal thoughts and having a hard time. Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 12:54pm
Thanks for saying I am an inspiration because right now I don't see it. I am struggling with suicidal feelings that are very strong right now and just feel I am a burden to everyone. Andrea
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 06-04-2003 - 5:13pm
I know those feelings all too well. I was at my very lowest, and my closest to going through with suicide, when I kept feeling as if my family would be better off without me. I am glad that I gave myself time to prove those feelings wrong. My family and friends would be devastated if I had gone through with it. I am relieved, in a way, that you're sharing your feelings here. I also know that when I felt the most suicidal, I did not discuss it with anyone. Keep coming back. We understand what you're going through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 12:48am
Keep hanging in there, Andrea! I do know how you are feeling, and I know it's tough. Please don't give in to the thoughts of being a burden. I used to feel like that when my kids were small; I had terrible postpartum, plus was in crisis because all my repressed emotions were coming to the surface. The postpartum went into full-blown depression, and I remember thinking everyone would be better off without me. My thinking was that my husband could find a better wife, and therefore the kids would have a better mother.

You may have said this already in an earlier post, but do you take medication for the depression? Depression is such a dark, scary place. I went on meds two years ago after having it untreated for 10 years. When I hear words like "hopelessness" and "despair," I totally know what those words feel like, and it sucks. The medication has helped me a lot. I've talked to people who haven't wanted to go on meds because they don't want to have to take them the rest of their lives, and my attitude is, "I'll take this as long as I live if it will keep me from going back into that dark existence." For me it sucked all the pleasure out of life. I think I did a pretty decent job as a mom, and have always been devoted to my kids, but I know that had I been on medication a lot sooner I would have been able to more fully enjoy them. Instead I felt a lot of guilt and anxiety.

I didn't mean for that to sound like I was trying to persuade you to go on medication! I just got started and kept going.

Please come back here as often as you need to. We care!

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 9:30am
Anti-d's saved my life, too. I was on zoloft for a year and a half. It totally turned me around. Now I take prozac during pms. I started that last month, and it seemed to work really well.