When a spouse triggers (trig)
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| Tue, 06-03-2003 - 7:08pm |
Also, my DH tends to snuggle up to me and touch me in his sleep, while I am sleeping. He doesn't do it on purpose, but it's very triggering for me. I often have nightmares about being asleep and having an abuser touch me, and I don't always know it's my DH when he does it. It feels like being stuck in a nightmare, because I don't necessarily wake up all the way. I asked him to sleep elsewhere one night last week when I was feeling especially vulnerable and afraid to sleep in the same bed, but I don't want to sleep in separate beds as a general rule. But I also don't want to feel vulnerable and on-guard in my own bed. Has anyone dealt with this type of thing?
Thanks in advance for any suggestions, understanding, etc. I am planning to discuss this with my therapist today, too.
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I am not actively 'dealing with my abuse issues", but when I was seeing my T, this was much of my problem....
I came to realize that I picked my husband becuase he was close to my abuse physcal shape... and one that I could not deal with.... we divorced this past Feb...
I think I will always 'not deal' rather then deal with it... I dont' want to look back at memories, or relive them.. i just want to get on with living....my present and future life... and so far since i have cut connections/communications w/ abuser and divorced, I don't have as much as a problem.... I still keep people at bay, wont' let anyone get too close but i've done that pretty much all my life...
I wish you luck... Please seek out a couselor... they will help you and your hubby.... I wish i had a better response for you...
thoughts and prayers to you.
monica
I'm not sure I have a good response for you, but I wanted you to know that I read your post and I'm glad you're here.
What was your T's response when you told her/him? I'm glad that you have someone who can help guide you through this.
A book that I've seen recommended, although I haven't read it myself, is called "Ghosts in the Bedroom," and is a guide for partners of abuse survivors. Maybe this is something you and your husband could go through together? It might help initiate conversation in a way where you can express what you're going through without his taking it personally. I do think that communication is really important between spouses. I'm assuming that you are in a loving relationship? Is your husband aware of the abuse you have been through?
I'm sorry that I don't have more to offer. Be sure to keep an eye on your post, though, because I'm sure you'll get more responses! We have great people here!
Love, Heidi
co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board
When I'm doing inner child work, I try to approach my inner child the same way I'd approach my actual children. One thing I do with my actual children is to "parent with the end in mind." In making my parenting decisions, I try to think of what I want my kids to learn from the experience. What kind of adults do I hope they will be? For example, I realized a few months ago that I was still cutting their food and I hadn't really given them the chance to learn to do that. So I started letting them cut their food--even though it was messy and they don't do a perfect job of it. (How could they? They're just learning!)
Anyway, the way I see this relating to your post is this: You have fears at night. I see that as your inner child's fears. So, if this were me, I would parent that inner child with the end in mind. I want her to know that my spouse is not someone to be afraid of. If I send my spouse out of the bedroom, that just reaffirms the non-reality-based fear. But if I let her feel the fear, but then reassure her and ground her in my present reality--which is vastly different from her past reality--then she will eventually learn that she doesn't have to be afraid anymore.
I speak to my inner child(ren) through writing, dom/non-dom handwriting (thanks to Gail!!!), and in conversation with myself. (Yes, I do talk to myself, and yes I do answer myself! LOL)
I hope this helps.