I feel alone

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
I feel alone
13
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 1:16pm
I posted here awhile back about my issue w/ being molested by a friends father when I was very young. It was titled depressed all the time. I still haven't told anyone but this board about what happened to me when I was younger. I want to tell but can't. Well I just got back from vacation to find out that my 16 yr old sister was raped while I was gone. She was raped by a 15 yr old friend and had to go through the whole testing, morning after pill, std pills for in case. Luckily she is still a virgin and he didn't completely penetrate but the anger I feel right now is crazy. My older sister was just crying to me on the phone and all I can think about is killing this boy and then everything surfaces of what happened to me when I was young. I want to tell so bad but can't find the courage. I think if I told I could handle her situation better. I just feel so alone right now and can't stop crying. I hate feeling so out of control and scared and sad. I want to go to my sister and hug her but can't even pick up the phone and call her because I don't want her to hear the pain in my voice. She is going through enough right now and I don't want to make things worse for her and my mom by breaking down. If only they knew it's because I can feel her pain.

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Avatar for vick_mp
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: vick_mp
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 1:53pm
I'm sitting here hitting refresh hoping for replies for someone to be there that I can chat with and it looks like nobody is on right now. I've prayed to God to take this pain I feel away. I pray that he will take away my little sisters pain because I know she is feeling it. My older sister said she was extremely quiet the next day w/ pain in her eyes. She is the only 16 yr old I know who is waiting for marriage to have sex and this happens to her. When she was at the rape clinic they gave her the morning after pill to take for in case and she said that they can't make her take it, that that is wrong and it's a sin. They had to explain it keeps the egg from fertilizing and does not kill the already fertilized egg. I'm not sure if that is true but I do know she does not need a baby at her age. God, I just want to find him and kill him. I was talking to a friend earlier who said this kid obviously needs some serious counseling and I was very angry and said he needed a body bag. I couldn't believe I said that out loud. How aweful of me but that is how I feel. I am full of so much pain and anger from what happened to me and now what has happened to my little sis. I just can't deal w/ this right now. I just feel like I am breaking and I want to quit crying. I want the empty feeling to leave my stomach and to quit shaking. I wish my husband was here yet I probably couldn't talk to him and still wouldn't mentioned that I was molested as a child and all these feelings have come back even worse than ever. My mom just called as I was typing and I couldn't answer the phone. Why am I so scared to talk to anyone? Why can't I put my sister first and be there for her and supress my pain as it had been for so many years? I feel like I'm making this about myself when all this has just happened to my sister. She is the one that needs the help and comforting. I hate these flashbacks and I hate what has happened to my sister. I just want someone to talk to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
In reply to: vick_mp
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 5:08pm
Your fears about telling are absolutely normal. I thought people would die if I told. That's the kind of pressure these abusers put on their victims. One thing to know, though, is that good things will come when you tell. When you tell, you are automatically letting trusted loved ones know that you need support, and you're that much more likely to get the support you need.

Also, if you tell your sister that the same thing happened to you, I'm sure it will GREATLY relieve the sense of shame she's probably feeling right now. I think the two of you could be a great help to each other.

It's normal to be afraid of telling. And we can't predict what others' reactions will be if we tell. But if we do our best to tell trustworthy people, then more often than not, we'll get the love and support we need.

I'm glad you found us. Keep coming back. Here's my email address in case you need to talk more:

riggss002@hawaii.rr.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: vick_mp
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 5:09pm
Hi Vick,

I just got on and saw your post. How awful that this has happened to your sister. Awful for you, too.

First of all, *you are not awful for the feelings and thoughts you're having*! This is a HUGE trigger for you. Yes, this is immediately about your sister, but it is about you, too. Maybe this would be a good time to tell. That way your reactions won't be misinterpreted as you not caring. I can tell that you care tremendously about your family. I know telling is scary, because I haven't told anyone besides my husband and therapist, and don't know if I'll ever be able to tell my mother. I almost did when we were on a trip together several months ago; for about 2 hours I tried to make myself, and every time I got *this close* I had that awful feeling in my stomach, and was so scared of her reaction that I just couldn't do it.

I also thought as I was reading your posts that maybe by telling and sharing the feelings and struggles you have had, you will help not only yourself but your sister as well?

The anger and other feelings you are having are totally understandable. You're reliving your own SA experience through this trigger.

Elizabeth Smart's homecoming was really hard on me; I still feel awful saying that. I live in Utah where she and her family live, and the day they found her I was totally sick to my stomach; I had a panic attack, was shaking, etc. I felt so awful for feeling that way. I was having this dialogue inside of me where I was upset and then berating myself for being upset, and telling myself that I was being selfish and petty. How dare I think such things? In working through it I realized that it was the little pushed-aside girl inside me saying, "What about me?" No one rescued me, no one cheered for me for surviving what I did. All the publicity surrounding that case really did a number on me. It was like saying, "This is a special little girl, but you aren't." The voice inside me that was scolding myself was echoes of things my mother would say to me when I would try to express my feelings.

Try not to put your needs aside for the sake of your sister or the feelings of your other family members. You need to acknowledge that your feelings are valid and important.

I hope some of this helps. I know I'm not in a position to preach, because I haven't told myself. It's a lot easier to give advice than to act on it! I will be thinking of you, and will say a prayer for you and your family.

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: vick_mp
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 11:30am
After I posted yesterday I cried most the day until my husband got home and I was able to put my mind on other things. I appreciate your support and advice. It is all very helpful. I do care for my family very much and I am very close to my mom and 2 sisters. My older sister and I grew up w/ violence our whole life. Our dad was abusive to our mom. Luckily my little sister wasn't subject to all that. By the time she was born (she wasn't planned, mom was 40 yrs. old) my older sister and I were old enough to stand up to my dad. When my little sister was 3 we forced my mom to leave him. She was always afraid to leave because he would threaten to kill her but my older sister and I were not afraid. I told him many times I wished he was dead to his face without blinking and eye. He knew how much we hated him and I think it hurt him when he was sober. He was always real nice when he wasn't drinking but after a bottle of segrams he was a whole new person. Anyway, my little sis didn't get to see all that. We sheltered her from so much becuase of how we were raised and the things we saw. I have told her many times about defending herself and that things can happen to her and not to think they wouldn't or trust everyone. For once I really feel like she listened to me. When that boy was trying to rape her she fought and yelled the whole time. He eventually stopped. It could have been much worse but luckily she was strong enough to stop him. My mom called my sisters cell phone to find out why she was late and heard commotion on the phone. My older sister heard the comotion and heard my little sister yelling, "stop, I thought you were my friend, I'm saving myself for marriage" and that is when they hopped in the car to get to her. By then the boy had left the house and my lil sis was sitting alone crying. Her friends (all 14-16) didn't know what to do and didn't know what to say so they were playing on the computer not saying a word to each other. I think they all just panicked. My older sister panicked too and was yelling at everyone then she want to find the kid because her first reaction was to beat the hell of out him. My little sister had to tell her to take her to the hospital. Then from there she went to the domestic abuse center and through all that. I'm glad she was smart enough to get to the hospital. My mom was pretty much in a panic the whole time. I have always been there to protect my lil sis from anything and everything. I wish I was there but then if I was I probably would have found the kid and killed him. Act first, think later. I was in Playa del Carmen vacationing having a good time which makes me feel guilty. Plus this happened on my birthday which was last Sat. I haven't even really talked to her about it. I asked her if she was okay because I am not strong enough to discuss it w/ her. I'm too scared, too nervous. I'm crying AGAIN wishing I could just do something. I feel so helpless not being able to get justice my way. I did say that maybe she should go to the couseling the domestic abuse shelter offered her and she said whas fine. I know she's not. Both my older sister and I know she is not fine. I want to get together w/ her by ourselves and talk to her and tell her what happened to me but it is so hard. I have always portrayed myself as a strong person and opening up makes me feel too vulnerable. I've always said if someone hurts my family I would take care of the offender myself and now this was happened and I have to let the law do it. My lil sis is depending on the law to to get her justice and I know she won't get it. He is a minor and will most likely be tried as one. I spoke to the DA yesterday who happens to be my boss and he said he will try to have him tried as an adult but the judge most likely won't go for it. The hearing is June 13th and my sis doesn't have to go but I plan on going. It will take all I have to face that boy without putting my hands around his neck and squeezing until he stops breathing. What REALLY pisses me off is that someone paid his $25,000 bond to bail him out. Now if that was my son first off he would spend his time in jail as he should. He confessed to the whole thing and should pay his price. My stomach is just in knots. I told him husband about what happend to my lil sis. She is like his lil sis because she was 4 yrs old when we started dating. I was for sure he would try to find this kid and hurt him. He has a horrible temper when someone does him wrong. He was mad but he isn't talking about it much. He don't know all the details but I know if he heard them he would be very angry. He hasn't asked for details. Normally he wants a whole story but this time he doesn't. I think it is bothering him. I can't mention it either. It's like I have crawled in a shell and can't come out. If I talk about it I break down like I do as I type on this board and I hate for people to see me like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: vick_mp
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 4:12pm
I'm glad you came back and posted some more.

You know, when we've been hurt so badly we want to appear strong to others. It probably helps us to feel stronger than we are if others see us that way. The danger in that is not letting our loved ones see us as a whole person. They will see us as someone we're not who doesn't understand their hard times. If your sisters know what happened to you, it will give that much more validity to the suggestions you offer your little sis. Otherwise she'll be thinking that you can't possibly relate to what she's going through, so why should she listen? Even if you're not ready to tell your mom, I think telling your sisters would be the best thing to do. In a crazy, sick sort of way maybe this is your "window of opportunity" to tell. Your sister needs relatability, and so do you.

My husband's reaction to injustice is also a desire to take the person out. He witnessed his biological mother being beaten and having a knife drawn on her by her live-in boyfriend many times at around the age of three. There was alcohol involved. To this day he can't stand the smell of it or be in any environment where alcohol is present. Whenever he hears about injustice he gets so angry. He is working with our counselor because about a year and a half ago he started having PTSD symptoms, and this is where it is rooted. That anger is the boy he was at that time who vowed that when he was bigger he would never allow any harm to come to anyone, because he was too little to do anything about it then. He has always felt a responsibility to keep everyone safe, no matter where he is or if he knows the people. He's had a hypervigilance his whole life that has really taken a toll on him, and he couldn't keep the strong front up anymore. That's when he started falling apart. He's had to learn that it's okay to not be the strong one all the time.

You have certainly dealt with hard things your whole life, and it's totally understandable that this is even more devastating since you and your sister have worked so hard to keep baby sister safe. It is so admirable that you have been so determined for her not experience the hardships you and the rest of your family have had. You've kind of taken on a mothering role with her. Maybe you are feeling a sense of responsibility for what happened, like you didn't cover all the bases? If you are having guilty feelings that just adds to how awful you're feeling, and it is NOT your fault that this happened.

I will continue to send you my thoughts and prayers. Keep coming back.

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: vick_mp
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 4:48pm
I know exactly how your husband feels. I too vowed nobody would ever hurt me or my family again or I'd take them out. All my life I pushed people away and never get close to anyone. I used to get close to pets but then too many died and I don't even care to get close to them anymore. I was married 8 yrs before I finally learned to love my husband. I told myself I didn't really love him. It was easier to not care for in case I got hurt. That's a whole other issue that's related but long story. We are now happy. I had went to counseling and told my couselor about my dad abusing my mom and how I hated him, resented him but never mentioned any abuse upon myself. I got past the trusting issue to a point. I admit I still need lots of therapy. Once I dealt w/ the abuse I witnessed from my dad I resolved that I started having thoughts of my molester and what happened to me. For a year and a half now I have thoughts and anger, depression and crying. I tell myself to be strong to not think of it and try and change my thoughts yet my mood is still way negative and angry at everyone and everything. I think I let the hate toward my dad keep these feelings from surfacing and now that I have gotten past that I have more to deal w/. These feelings are way worse but I feel better today since I told. I have always been the strong one, the one that doesn't panic, stays calms, faces things and takes care of business. My older sister laughs and says I act like the older sister more than she does since I try and take care of everyone. If only they all knew I'm weaker than they think. I have always taken care of my lil sis. I was 10 when she was born so I had to babysit her often while my mom worked. Since my mom left my Dad and had never worked before she had late shifts and I was the babysitter. I vowed nobody would hurt my baby sister and yes I do feel some guilt for this happening. I was on vacation and living it up while this was happening w/ my sis. I keep up on her grades, absences from school, who she hangs out w/ and everything. I know it's not my fault but I wish I was there. I will be there for her the best I can and remind her that I love her and will make this SOB pay. If I don't get justice through the courts I will get justice one way or another. She is scared, doesn't want to talk about it and wants to just forget. Those were her exact words. I know how she feels and I will tell her how I know. I'm building courage up every hour as I work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: vick_mp
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 7:05pm
Please take the next step and talk to a support group in your area. I myself was molested for years by my father and am still trying to heal at 27. It is hard to reach out and tell someone; I know, but it will not get better if you don't. I have tried "getting over it" for years, it does not work. Having a child made me realize that I can not go on like this. To be a good mom I need to do right by me and that is getting justice for yourself even if it is only acknowledment by your family that this did indeed happen. Please just help yourself this once before things get worse. You are not and can never be a burden to your mother or family. If they love you this can only be a bonding experience you all need. It's hard to make that call but if you can find a support group in your area they will help you tell your family and see to it that you have a support group in place. I just made that call a couple of weeks ago when i could not take it anymore, i still have nobody but them to talk to right now; but they came through real quick. good luck to you and please don't be afraid to tell: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! DON'T LET HIM MAKE YOU PAY THE PRICE.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: vick_mp
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 8:10pm
Please feel free to write. My email is marijane1st@hotmail.com I myself feel exactly as you. Somedays I could just die. Today is not a particularly great day for me either. If it was not for my son....well, let's just say he keeps me grounded. And please know you have a right to grieve for what happened to you. We all do and i know how hard it is to allow ourselves that. you know it is so frusterating because so many of us feel the same way you and I do yet we still have such a hard time reaching out and finding each other. I guess it's the shame they give us. But you know what? I want to give some back. I want to be able to hold my head high and I want you and everybody like us to be able to do the same. It's time to stop living life sentances for crimes we did not commit. Get angry and stay angry. It is the only thing that keeps me forging ahead. I may never get my justice till we all go to our Judgment day in the sky but I want to try anyways. Please try too. If not for you for your son. I know mine is my #1 reason. And please do not be afraid to write.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: vick_mp
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 11:42am
I have just recently begun to work out my own feelings about being sexually abused throughout my childhood and granted people deal with things in different ways but I wanted to tell you there is some relief once you've finally let it out. I won't say that it will make it go away or solve your problems but you shouldn't let the abuser have the power over you to not talk. The more you don't say anything, the more the shame builds up, believe me, I know. It's not fair that you should feel bad, you didn't do anything wrong. I am on this message board because I need to talk to other people who have gone through this and as tough as it is, it might help that you have someone, i.e. sister to talk about this with. It will only bring you two closer knowing that you both can talk about and share these feelings. If you have to share them with someone, it might be nice to know that person is a sister and has had a similar experience so they can somewhat understand.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: vick_mp
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 11:20am
Thank you. I am really trying to deal w/ this. I have felt okay since I told my husband but the other day I saw my molester at a restaurant. His wife went in to get the food and he sat in the vehicle. He was looking right at me when I was walking in. I was wishing I had a gun so I could just blow his head off. My son and his best friend were w/ Jon and I so I never said anything. I wanted to but couldn't since the kids were there. I wanted to tell Jon later when we were alone but didn't. Rather just try to focus on happy thoughts and not go there. Yesterday my boss, our District Attorney dropped in to say Hi and he asked me how my sister was doing. I couldn't really discuss it I just said she was not talking about it and refused to go to counseling and I haven't been strong enough to talk to her about it. He could tell by the way I looked away I didn't want to discuss it and dropped the subject. The first and only time I've been to counseling when my husband and I split up two years ago. I told my counselor about everything but the molestation and the fact I was taken advantage of at our party at 14. He looked at me did a recap of what I told him and said, "you have dealt w/ a lot, I'm surprised you have gotten this far and have made it through this much without counseling". If only he knew there was more. I have considered calling him back to talk more. I know I need to but again, that means time off work, money and crying sessions I always try to avoid. My husband said the other day I needed counseling. I think now he tries to avoid the subject which makes it hard for me to talk to him about it. Like when something comes up about my sister or something he doesn't say much. I just feel like there is not much support there. Still trying to deal.......

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