Feeling BLECH.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Feeling BLECH.
3
Thu, 06-05-2003 - 11:48pm
I'm angry, upset, worried, afraid, and just a big mass of BLECH today. Tomorrow my restraining order against my father runs out, and that makes me feel very vulnerable. It is now no longer illegal for him to harrass me. I'm glad I live 6000 miles away, or else I'd be a basket case. But planning to see my sister, who lives in the same town as him, makes me nervous.

What I'm really angry about is that the judge didn't give me a lifetime RO. I am so angry, I find myself wishing that this judge gets raped for five years by the same person, gets death threats by the same person for eight years after that, and then has completely inadequate protection from the law and the same kind of disdain and eye rolling he showed me when I applied for an RO in my home state against my father in another state. (I guess I'm just never supposed to be able to visit my sister, even when she's having her first baby and has been abandoned by our mother.) I keep envisioning sending this judge all sorts of letters. I'd like to send one that details exactly what my father did to me and how often. I'd like to send one that tells him exactly what kind of problems PTSD has caused in my life. I'd like to send one that tells him off for being a worthless human being for not granting me the full protection of the law. Of course I won't send or even write these letters, but I'm carrying this anger around, so maybe I should just journal them out or something.

I woke up at 3 am because I thought I heard the phone ring. (It didn't.) But I couldn't get back to sleep. I've been tired and upset all day. And I've wanted to compulsively overeat for two days now. I keep tempting myself with little bites of things I know I shouldn't have. Part of me just wants to curl up with the biggest bag of chocolate I can find and crawl inside. But there's another part of me that's scratching her head and saying, "*That* won't work!" That used to work! But it doesn't work anymore.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:15am
I don't blame you for being upset! This has to be a scary time.

Why on earth did the judge not grant a lifetime restraining order? That doesn't make sense to me at all--does he just all of a sudden become a great guy because a certain amount of time has lapsed? Your dad sounds awful. It's amazing that you've survived and come so far considering the things you described. Can you get a new restraining order?

Would it count badly against you if you did write a letter to the judge stating the things you listed here? Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea. Obviously I'm naive to the whole process, so forgive me if I sound simplistic.

You'll be in my thoughts, and I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm sure that the fact your husband is gone makes this that much worse, too. Keep hanging in there; post more if it will help you.

I saw the links for your poetry below; am planning on taking a look tomorrow!

Here's a ((((cyberhug)))) for you! Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:47am
I can't imagine how you held this in all this time. Just knowing this date was approaching would send me into a tailspin. Of course you're angry. Rightfully so! How unjust!!

I'm with Heidi. Aside from the "you're a worthless human being" part, what would be the harm of sending those letters along with an explanation of how his delinquent decision affects you? I certainly don't know the law on this issue as well as you probably do so forgive my ignorance.

I wish I had more to say but I'm thinking of you and your sister.

**gentle hugs**

Gail

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 12:01pm
I'm a master of compartmentalization and denial. I'm amazed I didn't start stressing about this earlier, too. I think it's that I've been focusing on the OA stuff. I don't know. Maybe I will write a respectfully-toned letter that gives this judge the details. I certainly didn't get to give my full story in court. The question and answer set up leaves A LOT out. Also, my lawyer was not the best lawyer because I went through a vol. legal service. He was kind, but I probably should have hired an expensive lawyer. Although, I'm not convinced that would have helped with this judge.