How do you recognize sexual abuse?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
How do you recognize sexual abuse?
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 11:05am

My boyfriends idea of being affection is hitting me

gently. Or what he thinks is gently. I've gotten

small bruises from where he playfully hit me. And

he's more affection when he's mean to me and makes

me mad. Is this a sign of abuse? I spent the night

one night in the camper with him and he had one

cover and it was freezing and he said he was mad

at me and wanted me to be cold. I didn't even do

anything to make him mad. Then he was all nice to

me. Should I be concerned that he may be abusive?

I asked one of his friends and he said he would

never hurt a woman. But, his idea of being

affectiate is play fighting and it scares me

sometimes. Should I be worried?
Avatar for vick_mp
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 11:46am
I would definately be worried! Why is it he cannot be affectionate without being mean? Sounds like he is arroused by your pain whether it is mental or physical. If I were you I'd get rid him ASAP. My dad was not abusive to my mom when they first got together. I don't really know how it all started but he was nice for many years. I don't know if there were signs or what the signs are but this boyfriend of yours doesn't sound normal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 3:43pm
I agree. That's definitely cause for concern. The best thing I could say about him is that he is extremely immature. Instead of discussing why he's angry, he's going to "punish" you by not letting you have a blanket?

Have you tried discussing this with him? I don't know how serious you are about this guy. Something important to remember, though, is your sense of self-respect. Being treated that way can really rob you of your self-respect. Believe me, I know. My father used to "punish" my sister and mother and I with his meanness. Sometimes I think that was more damaging than the sexual abuse.

You're right to be concerned. Hold onto your self respect. It's such a valuable thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Fri, 06-06-2003 - 8:29pm
I echo what has already been said. If he's doing this now, what would he do down the road if you were married and he considered you "his?" He sounds very immature and selfish. When you care about someone you want them to feel special and loved. Look how it's already playing on your mind. That blanket thing was nothing but mean! There's definitely a reason your mind is popping red flags up. Listen to those feelings; they are there for a reason.

If nothing else, he's definitely not respecting your feelings. You deserve to be with someone who would never want to hurt you, and who will cherish you. This guy sounds to me like it's all about him. People like that usually end up with major relationship problems. You don't want to find yourself in a position where you are so scared of him that you'll do anything to keep him happy. In a loving relationship, the two people are thoughtful of one another and there is give and take.

Just my thoughts. Take care of you.

Hugs, Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 06-07-2003 - 7:12pm
The first part could have been chalked up to immmature iggnorance but the part about the blanket should set off alarm bells for you. It a touch sadistic don't you think? What might he do if you really do something to anger him? If he was really upset with you he ought to have talked to you about it. That would be the sane and resonable thing. If he thinks he needs revenge for an imagined (or even a real) slight is not a man that can be trusted. Cut yourself loose before you can't get out neatly. There is also a domestic abuse board here which should give you better info.