Has this happended to anyone else?

Avatar for hayleywart
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
Has this happended to anyone else?
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 2:29am
I don't really know if I belong on this board, but for 6 years I was married to a man who made me feel like I was the freak (frigid, boring etc) and that he was quite normal and that 'everyone' did these kind of things behind closed doors. I had only slept with two other people before I married him, so didn't have too much to compare to. The first (who is now my dear, sweet husband) was also a virgin so we were both pretty conservative. The second was a bit of a wham, bam thank you ma'am type, so nothing kinky there either. My ex assured me that all his ex girl friends enjoyed 'creative' sex, and that I would get used to it. He controlled every aspect of my life, especially financial, and I more and more came to believe every word he said as gospel, and had no faith in any ideas of my own. If he had told me the sky was black I would have believed him. He is a very strong character, and has a way of putting things across so confidently that you cannot help but believe every word he says. As a result, for years I believed that I was the one with a sexual problem, not him. He used to drug me, tie me up in obscene positions, insert various objects into whatever orifice he pleased, 'fill me up' with various different liquids or objects, rig up elaborate pulley sytems to contort me into the most degrading or exposed positions he could think of. He 'rode' me like a horse & even forced me to wear my own horse's bridle with the bit in my mouth. He tied me up and strapped a gas mask onto my face through which he pumped marijauna smoke (which I turned out to be hideously allergic to). He suspended me from the roof beams with my 'pink bits' exposed so that he could fiddle and investigate like I was some kind of lab experiment. He would tie me in positions with sharp objects pressed up against my anus, to prevent me struggling in any way. The list is endless - he would spend days preparing for an evening's entertainment. I usually realised when I had been drugged, and would then go off and take a few shots of tequila to make sure I was unconcious because I really didn't want to know what was happening. I could wake up in the morning and pretend everything was fine. Sometimes I considered taking more of what he had given me, in the hopes of over dosing, and making sure I left a note outlining exactly what had been going on. Prison in Zimbabwe is no fun place. The only good thing was that these nights were fairly infrequent - maybe once or twice a month. I made no secret of how much I hated what he did to me, but he assured me it was my duty as his wife, and that it was very normal. I just kind of resigned myself to the idea that I had to live with it. The only relief I had was that I would spend my days fantasising about killing myself - it was nice to know that there was always that to fall back on if I really needed it. I left him two years ago and am remarried to the kindest, most wonderful man. But I still can't shake the memories, or the anger. am I right to feel this way, or was it my wifely duty after all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 11:35am
I hope that you do know that what he made you do was not normal! Obviously he was trying to use your naivete to HIS advantage, that was just a way to manipulate you into doing whatever he wanted you to do. People tend to manipulate others to satisfy themselves but I really hope that you can see that none of that was normal and you should not feel bad about any of it. The reason you didn't know about that "kinky" stuff is because you are the NORMAL one. Congratulations for being able to get out of that and find a good man, you truly deserve it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 12:54pm
I'm really concerned about your post. Of course what he did concerns me--but what concerns me more is that you don't recognize this as obvious sexual assault. Or maybe you do, and you're just starting to deal with it. I don't know, but I do think it's important that you do recognize that this was sexual assault. Do you have a therapist? If not, I would STRONGLY recommend that you get one that specializes in sexual abuse/assault. I know that for people who were sexually abused as children, we often start to deal with the issues the abuse caused when we get to a safe place in our lives. I'm sure it must be similar for people who are assaulted as adults. You say you're in a safe marriage now, so maybe you feel safe enough inside to start dealing with this. I hope you get a therapist soon. (((hugs)))

And keep coming back here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 06-09-2003 - 9:36pm
NO! That is not a wifes duty! And no you are not alone. That man out and out abused you and I beg that you talk to someone to help guide you through healing. I myself just started trying to heal again. I typed in sexual abuse support plus my city and I found some wonderful people willing to help. I reccomend it to anyone searching for help near them. As well on ivillage is a domestic abuse board and chats; women there have similar situations to yours. Good luck to you and please do not be afraid to ask for someone to listen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 10:40am
First, welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us and had the courage to tell what happened to you.

No way was that your wifely duty! What a sick pervert! I can't imagine how awful you must have felt. It's perfectly natural that the memories and feelings are still with you. I also hope that you can find a good therapist to help you work through these things. I hope that you don't feel that what he did to you was your fault. He definitely took advantage of your innocence and controlled you in a hideous fashion.

Congratulations on getting out of that relationship and into a loving one! You should also remind yourself that you are strong because you SURVIVED your ordeal.

Keep coming back here as often as you need to. We care.

Hugs, Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

Avatar for vick_mp
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 06-10-2003 - 2:01pm
OMG! That is the most aweful thing. That man was obviously sick and should be behind bars or even 6 ft under! I am so glad you got out of that situation. I can't give you much advice as I'm still dealing w/ tons of issues and highs/lows myself and can't seem to make myself call a therapist. I do believe I need therapy and I do believe you will to and I know it's hard to face emotions you feel from being treated this way. I just wanted to cry reading your post. I just feel aweful that people do these things to others. What the hell is wrong w/ these bastards? Pardon my language but it just pisses me off. Please know that you are the normal one and I will pray for you.
Avatar for hayleywart
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 5:36am
To all of the kind, encouraging posts I have recieved, thank you. I think I really do need some further counselling, and as one of you so rightly pointed out - my initial therapy got me through leaving, but it is only now, almost two years later, that it is really starting to hit me. Best of luck to all of you too, esp vick mp as you sound to be at a similar stage in your recovery to me. I wonder which of us will call a therapist first??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2002
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 8:46pm
Hello Hayley,

I haven't posted on this board in many months (I first found it a little over a year ago) and just happened to "drop by" today to check it out. Initially, I figured I'd lurk a bit but after seeing your post, I feel compelled to write!

Your ex is a VERY sick man to the point of being dangerous!!! In fact, he could be considered a "sexual sadist!" Perhaps you have heard stories in the media where women are held against their will and sexually abused/tortured--sometimes to the point of death. I do not know for a fact that this person is capable of that extreme but it is my hope that if you are unable to report him, SOMEONE ELSE WILL!

PLEASE seek therapy... You deserve to heal and be loved! Hugs, Lori