Long, hard day--major milestone--TRIGGER
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|Wed, 06-11-2003 - 2:06am|
I had a really tough day today, sexual abuse issue-wise. I did some dom/non-dom journaling and uncovered some very graphic and violent memories. Then I shared them with my AMAC group. I've been doing some inner children work (I believe I have more than one), and as each feeling, belief, or memory comes up, I either talk or write to my inner child. The feeling I'm left with is that once the conflict is resolved between the way the adult me sees things and the way my inner children see things, afterward the inner child gets absorbed into the adult me. It's like they were stuck developmentally by what happened to them, but when I parent them, they grow up or something and catch up with the rest of me.
My AMAC leader said it seems like I'm rescuing each one of them, and that's *exactly* what it feels like. Today I rescued the most troubled one. My image of this inner child has been one of blackness, no words, all teeth and anger--like a rabid animal. But when I uncovered what she had been through, I realized that she wasn't a rabid animal at all, but rather the survivor of some truly horrific things. When I was being sexually assaulted, my memories are of a little yellow room. I have believed for the last three years (since I got my first memory) that all of my mind went to this little yellow room.
Well, I found the part today who stayed behind. I uncovered the feeling of being violently raped, and I remembered that it felt like my body was being cut away from me, or being eaten alive. It's the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. I uncovered the feeling that God should have let me die rather than have to feel that pain. But I came back and wrote to my inner child lovingly, and then I read the whole journal entry to my group--and they hugged me and made me feel so safe. It was good to write it--but it really felt complete when I read it aloud to my group. In our group, we have a tradition about this imaginary box in the middle of the room. At the end of each session, we leave something in the box and take something from it.
As I was comforting my inner child, I had the idea that I would take this memory off of her shoulders and put it in the box. I drew her a picture of what I imagine the box to look like, so she would know it was ok. It's a locked trunk with hearts all over it to represent love, a daisy to represent peace, and many arms drawn on the sides and reaching around to the front to indicate hugs and the way we help carry each other's burdens. So today I feel like I unburdened that little girl inside of me and helped her out of the darkness and into the light. This is the most healing and exhausting day I've had since beginning this journey. I feel like this is a major milestone. I have felt so afraid of this little child inside for so long. I was actually afraid of *her* when really underneath I think I was afraid of what she represented.
The desire to overeat was strong today, but I abstained, thank God. Thanks for listening. I hope this doesn't sound crazy. :o}