Long, hard day--major milestone--TRIGGER

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Registered: 03-21-2003
Long, hard day--major milestone--TRIGGER
6
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 2:06am
Warning: This post contains TRIGGERS.

I had a really tough day today, sexual abuse issue-wise. I did some dom/non-dom journaling and uncovered some very graphic and violent memories. Then I shared them with my AMAC group. I've been doing some inner children work (I believe I have more than one), and as each feeling, belief, or memory comes up, I either talk or write to my inner child. The feeling I'm left with is that once the conflict is resolved between the way the adult me sees things and the way my inner children see things, afterward the inner child gets absorbed into the adult me. It's like they were stuck developmentally by what happened to them, but when I parent them, they grow up or something and catch up with the rest of me.

My AMAC leader said it seems like I'm rescuing each one of them, and that's *exactly* what it feels like. Today I rescued the most troubled one. My image of this inner child has been one of blackness, no words, all teeth and anger--like a rabid animal. But when I uncovered what she had been through, I realized that she wasn't a rabid animal at all, but rather the survivor of some truly horrific things. When I was being sexually assaulted, my memories are of a little yellow room. I have believed for the last three years (since I got my first memory) that all of my mind went to this little yellow room.

Well, I found the part today who stayed behind. I uncovered the feeling of being violently raped, and I remembered that it felt like my body was being cut away from me, or being eaten alive. It's the most horrific thing I have ever experienced. I uncovered the feeling that God should have let me die rather than have to feel that pain. But I came back and wrote to my inner child lovingly, and then I read the whole journal entry to my group--and they hugged me and made me feel so safe. It was good to write it--but it really felt complete when I read it aloud to my group. In our group, we have a tradition about this imaginary box in the middle of the room. At the end of each session, we leave something in the box and take something from it.

As I was comforting my inner child, I had the idea that I would take this memory off of her shoulders and put it in the box. I drew her a picture of what I imagine the box to look like, so she would know it was ok. It's a locked trunk with hearts all over it to represent love, a daisy to represent peace, and many arms drawn on the sides and reaching around to the front to indicate hugs and the way we help carry each other's burdens. So today I feel like I unburdened that little girl inside of me and helped her out of the darkness and into the light. This is the most healing and exhausting day I've had since beginning this journey. I feel like this is a major milestone. I have felt so afraid of this little child inside for so long. I was actually afraid of *her* when really underneath I think I was afraid of what she represented.

The desire to overeat was strong today, but I abstained, thank God. Thanks for listening. I hope this doesn't sound crazy. :o}

Avatar for opal45
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Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 10:40am
You have had a hard day. But wow, what great work! This is exactly the sort of work my T and I have been doing for the past year and a half so I understood your post completely. Relish in this milestone. It's huge!!!

If you're interested, I can share some of the techniques we use for unburdening. Your box idea is fabulous and there are other excellent ways of ridding these horrid events from haunting us. Also, after unburdening such a load, it's important to invite some quality or qualities back in to replace this huge void. Without this invitation it might explain your desire to reach for food.

Anyway, this is truly awesome work!! I'm really happy for you.

P.S. Please let that little part know I've heard her for a very long time.

**gentle hugs**

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Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 11:38am
I'm so glad you were here to read and respond to this. I was really hoping you would. I thought this was similar to what you were working on. What you said about hearing her for a long time--I've known she was there for a long time, too. She's come up every time I do dom/non-dom work. But I always thought she was so angry she couldn't talk. (As I type that out, I hear how illogical that is, but that is the belief I have held.)

I'd love to hear *whatever* you have to offer about this. I'm confused by inviting something else in--I'm not sure what to invite in. To me, I feel as if this child has been outside of me for a long time, and now by doing this exercise, *she* has been allowed in.

I am just so happy that this memory didn't debilitate me. The last time I had major memories come up, I was debilitated. I could not function. I was overwhelmed. This memory is by far the worst--but I carried on with my regular day yesterday. I slept last night. I feel good this morning. I just keep looking around and feeling surprised that I'm not flat on my back.

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Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 5:49pm
Congratulations, Freegirl!

I'm so happy for you. I hope that I can get to that point one day. Sometimes it's so confusing to even know which "me" to address. I think I've got more than one, too.

I'm so glad you were able to do this, and to share with your group. That is awesome! You can tell you're stronger than you used to be, since you mentioned not being debilitated as you would have been before. You are really an inspiration!

Love, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 10:15pm
Yay you!!! That impresses me that you could remember something that powerful and be strong enough to deal with it and still function. And brave enough to share it.

Avatar for opal45
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Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 9:50am
Well, I'm not there when you do your d/n-d writing so I can't say I've heard her then but I've heard her wanting to speak out in your posts many times. I'm thrilled you were able to let her speak so freely to you.

I think one of the greatest assets of this sort of work is finally being able to uncover traumatic memories without being annialated or debilitated by them. Having better access and control of our adults Selves seems to help us stay grounded so much better. And I thank the d/n-d writing for helping me get the separation I need.

Let me see if I can make some sense of what I meant by inviting something back in. Okay, for one, you may *feel* as though this child part been outside you all this time but I will assure you she has not. You have exiled her from your awareness perhaps but she's been there all the time. You have not allowed her in, rather you have now allowed yourself to acknowledge her. Do you see that? She has never, ever been gone. I'm making a point of this b/c it really is important to understand this distinction.

This child part has held this memory and these feelings for so many years. I think you said you felt as though you were rescuing her. That's exactly what you did. You did what someone should have done for you back then....you were the parent....you loved her...and you listened to her. How soothing that must have felt to that part!! And how deserved! Now, I think you were able to contain those feelings when you put the memory in a locked box. That's probably how you were able to get through your day and how you were able to sleep. Containers are fabulous tools for dealing with trauma. However, this memory is a part of your life and it really can't be contained and locked away forever. KWIM? However, what can be disposed of forever are those feelings that you've held for so long. My T and I have done this several times as we process a memory. Sometimes it takes a few sessions to process all the feelings necessary. I might think a part is finished when it's actually maybe another protector or manager part who isn't interested in hearing anymore. That's something to watch out for, manager parts. But, once the part you're dealing with feels as though she's shared as much as she can about her feelings then you can offer her the opportunity of giving up those feelings, not the memory. Now this is what my T and I have done in regards to that. We offer the part the option of giving them up to wind, fire, earth, water, air, etc. For instance, one time my part chose to give up those feelings of being viciously raped to the water. I imagined this healing water flowing through my body taking away all those yucky feelings and then flowing down an endless water fall.

You see, as you wash away or give up these huge feelings, you're left with quite a void, right? This is where it's advantageous to invite in new qualities to replace what's been swept away. For me, this part wanted to invite in calmness and security. (Sidenote: I'm always asking the part for her needs rather than to assume them for her...very important) I've found it just amazing to go through this process.

I'm sorry if what I've said is confusing. It's sort of hard to describe in this forum. Here's a link to the website that describes the approach my T is using http://www.selfleadership.org/ifsmodel.shtml FWIW. This work is so hard sometimes but so worth it, too. Good luck.

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Thu, 06-12-2003 - 12:02pm
Thanks, Gail. I sent you an email!