Foster Home Rape

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Foster Home Rape
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 3:37pm
I was raped in a foster home as a child. I told SRS they just put me in another home in another state! As far as I am aware of: Rape was never reported. I was never sent to couseling by the SRS for help. I never went to court for this trauma so I believe it was never reported. Has this happened to anyone else???? This trauma has always affected me in trusting anyone. I went to couseling when I was old enough to make my own decisions, but stopped when it got in too deep. I know I need couseling, but how can I ever be brave enough to go and face this fear. I did write the SRS and complain to them how disappointed I was in them for there actions. I hope this helped them realize they need to do more in dept research on backgrounds before a child is placed in foster home custody. In hope to save another childs life! My marriage of 14 yrs has suffer but is still going. My husband is very understanding and gives me space. I also feel I am neglecting him more now than I did before since we've had children. (Children ages 10,8 and 5 yrs) We have a good relationship and communicate, but intimately is suffering. I've started not sleeping again. I dont know what has started my fears up again. Him touching me-I get anxiety and squirmish and fear takes control. I tell myself its safe with him. Usually that works but now its taking longer to calm myself down to relax around him. Why? Could it be my husband has found a hobby with the guys so he's gone a lot. He has also started his job sending him to classes here and there for weekend training. I'm glad for this is his dream. Yet I am affraid of being alone, affraid he is drifting from me because of me pulling away? I want back my relationship to my husband completely. My husband is living his life and I feel I will never to completely live out my dreams because of my fears and low self essteem. I dont feel like myself again and depression has kicked in...any advice. I have gone out and done the things I used to do as child to bring I do these things and they usually bring me back when I feel down and alone...I cant kick this depressing feeling this time. Any advice? HELP ANYONE!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 6:06pm
First, I wanted to WELCOME you to the board! I'm glad you found us.

What an awful thing to have gone through! I'm sure that being a foster child was hard enough; that just had to have piled more trauma onto the baggage you already had to carry with you. Did you stay in the system throughout your childhood, or were you able to find a family? My heart just goes out to you. My husband was also a foster child.

It's a good bet that doing the childhood things that brought you happiness are bringing back some memories from that time. Counseling has been wonderful for me, and in answer to your question, it sounds like now may indeed be a good time for you to go back. Besides all the feelings connected to the abuse that you're having, it sounds like you have a lot of fears about being abandoned by your husband since you're not able to be as intimate with him. A good counselor can definitely help you work through these issues, and help your husband understand what you're going through, too. It sounds like he is understanding but maybe you're feeling like he's not telling you what he's really feeling? I get that way with my husband, too. A lot of it is our own insecurity, but there may be an element on his part of not wanting to hurt you further by telling you if he's frustrated, hurt, etc. I worry at times when I don't want to be intimate, because I feel that he needs it more than I do.

You might also find it beneficial to take an anti-depressant. It's worked wonders for me and has given me the ability to stay calmer during this process than I would have been otherwise. It's different for everyone, but it might be worth looking into.

I hope you'll feel comfortable posting more here, and find this a good support source. We're glad to have you!

Hugs, Heidi


co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 7:01pm
Welcome to the board. I know that many survivors struggle with intimacy problems. Have you read the book, The Sexual Healing Journey? Remember, those issues are workable & you can overcome these problems and find healing. You can do it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 9:22pm
I hear you loud and clear. I can't advise too much because I'm pretty much in the same place. I found some people on the internet who got me help and check in weekly to make sure I keep it up and are just generally all around support. I found them by typing in sexual abuse support plus the name of my city etc. Church groups or victim support services through the police are very understanding and work hard to find the right help and support you through it. Please try to find someone near you to talk too. It is so hard for people like us to keep the little bits of happiness that we find. Fight for them. I'm trying now too. I'm tired of living with the anxiety, dirty feelings and desperate lonliness. I want to be a functional person and most of all the best mom I can be. I can't do that if i can't learn how to be happy. My father has taken so much from me I can not allow the memories to steal what's left. Please, we all need to start fighting for our rights. Our basic right to be happy and healthy.