Breaking Up??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Breaking Up??
12
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 8:34am
I am relativelly new here, I posted one before about dealing with my boyfriend and his issues with my past sexal abuse. He has been quietly giving me attitude for the past two days and I feel like our breaking up after three years and living together is emminent. I am torn! I kind of think it's the right thing(to break up) because he is not my perfect partner. But I am getting scared thinking "who else will deal with these things with me?". Since being with him, I have done more work on myself in terms of family issues and therapy than ever before and I am grateful for that. But I am scared to be alone and deal with all of this. I have plenty of friends, but I genuinely have no family within a thousand miles and it makes me feel lonely. I just feel so confused!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: angrygyrl
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 9:21am
Okay, I am new here too. I have been married for 8 1/2 years and I am not married to my perfect mate. Please don't stay with him just so you won't be alone. That is the mistake I made before I got married. Now I wish I had choosen to not marry. I was scared to death to be by myself so I took (what I call) the easy way out. I don't know all the ins and outs of your relationship. But take a serious look at the pros and cons. I think leaving will be better, but I do understand being alone. Sorry this wasn't much help.

Just my two cents, tomcat
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: angrygyrl
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 3:24pm
Thanks for your two cents, I think it's what I know in my heart but it's so hard to live out in the real world. I am not the type of person to stay for the wrong reasons and we definitely do truly love each other. But I'm feeling as though that's not enough...there's also the fear that I won't find someone as good as him, but I'm not sure that's true. I guess it's a good thing that I'm in a position where I can make that decision, we are not yet married, no kids, we don't own a home together etc... Thanks for listening and the helpful advice, I need it and appreciate it more than you think!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: angrygyrl
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 8:03pm
Ya know, I thought I would not find a perfect mate too. One of the reasons I got married. It is interesting how in todays society we still look for a man to make us happy. I think if we make ourselves happy then great things will happen on there own. I guess if it were that easy we would have no problems. But that just it. It can't alway easy. And because it is not so easy those scared and other negative feelings take over and give us that easy out.It is great to Love someone so if you are both willing to seriously try, then maybe. Sorry, I didn't mean to start rattling off again. Anyway, I'm glad I could help. Tomcat
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: angrygyrl
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 8:16pm
Okay, I finally came up with this duh idea. I really didn't know what was going on between you and your boyfriend. I just had the insight to go back and find your past post and read it DUH!!! okay enough of my stupidity. Is there anyway he can go with you to a counseling session? Is he willing to try? I don't think it is your job to deal with his feelings. Yes it is important to ackowlege them, but thats where it ends. What happened to you did not happen to him so what is there for him to accept? If he truly loves you he will do what it is needed to help the relationship move forward. Acknowledge his feelings, talk to you about them, and then deal with them. IF he can't do that then find someone who can help him do that. The books sound like a great idea too. For my dh he probably wouldn't reach them. As for my thoughts on you what I said before pretty much sums it up. Although you don't have any family, I believe friends can be just as good as family( sometimes even better) (wink). This board will be here for ya too. Alright, I have already said way more than asked for (((HUGS)))) to you . Tomcat
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: angrygyrl
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 10:56pm
Hi,

I was just wondering if you have talked with him to find out what the quiet attitude is about: whether he's not communicating something to you that could be worked out if the two of you talked about it.

Of course I don't know much about your situation but you mentioned in your reply to tomcat that you really do love each other, and it would be a shame to throw it away if the issues are workable. In marriage things don't always run smoothly and you have to be committed and learn to communicate, give and take for it to work. Too many people think that if things aren't perfect then they don't have a good marriage. My husband is what I consider to be my perfect match and we have issues we have to talk about quite frequently; especially as in the last year and a half we both have personal issues we're in counseling for. We have to talk. There have been occasions when we could have called it quits but we have worked through things and our relationship is stronger than it was before.

I would really try and analyze whether the main reason you are questioning breaking up is because you're afraid of not finding someone else, or if it is because you truly love him. If it's because you really love him, then I really hope you can work things out.

Hugs, Heidi

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: angrygyrl
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 8:25am
We talked last night but didn't really get anywhere. There are things that bother him constantly that don't bother me, he is "putting" his issues on me. I explained to him that if I am feeling good about myself then he shouldn't nag on me. This seems like a tough time for us, I am very focused on getting over my past abuse and maybe he feels like I am not paying attention to him...I'm not sure exactly. I think he's going through a moody phase which he is entitled to but I don't need any negativity. It's tough, sometimes I feel selfish but I need to do what's best for me so that is my dilemma.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
In reply to: angrygyrl
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 12:43pm
I think that sometimes partners can feel threatened by survivors' growth. I'm a little worried about my own dh--he is the kind of guy who everyone takes their problems to, a very caring kind of person, very able, a problem-solver--and I worry that now that I'm more independent that he's not going to feel as needed in my life. It's true that the ways I need him are changing, but I do love him very much, so I'm committed to letting him know that even though I'm growing, he is still very much wanted and needed in my life. Do you think this could be the issue btw you and your S.O.?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
In reply to: angrygyrl
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 10:14am
That could be an issue for him, I feel like he's totally aggravated with me but I haven't done anything specific for him to be mad about. I feel like he's frustrated about the whiole situation, I don't know if it directly related to my therapy. I think he doesn't understand the process or realize that it takes time. He thinks that because I went and saw someone I should be getting over it, like the process is immediate gratification. So I feel pressure to rush something that needs to take all the time it needs. Like I said I am really confused and he hesn't been good about talking lately. I am hoping this little episode smoothes out but then I feel like we have just ignored it and not addressed it. But I don't know how to address it, maybe he just doesn't get it?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
In reply to: angrygyrl
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 12:20pm
Another thing about my dh (and maybe this applies to your guy, too??) is that he, too, got frustrated when therapy wasn't an immediate "fix," and when I'd have some good days followed by some bad ones. I think he expected steady progress uphill, and that just hasn't been what it's like for me. He's also a very problem-solving kind of person, and he felt absolutely powerless--not something he's used to. That was very hard for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: angrygyrl
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 7:04pm
My husband has also been a "problem solving" kind of guy, so when there's not a quick fix it is naturally frustrating for him. I think he is understanding me better since he's in therapy now himself. He was one of those that thought he was "fixed" after a few good sessions, and then he found himself back within a couple of months. He's learning that it is a journey/process.

I think a lot of guys are like this, because men by nature are often more logical than women are, and see things in simpler terms. I do think that they feel frustrated when someone they love is going through something difficult that they have no power over.

HeidiRose

co-cl, Sexual Abuse Healing Board

Pages