a dark place

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003 a dark place
Thu, 06-19-2003 - 11:32pm
It's been a really long time since I have posted, a really long time. So, long, I couldn't quite figure out the new format. It's definately different. My life has been moving along, with ups and downs, but lately it seems the downs out weigh the ups. Sometimes its harder to have the downs, when it feels as if I should know better, that things should be different, but the old seems to wellup, and its not okay anymore. I have worked so hard to become whole, and not dissociate, and have been doing really well, but after my session, i as an adult with my adult eyes witnessed the memory, adn retained it, and i realized that men don't just molest, as i was, but women can rape, mothers can rape daughters, and i feel so alone, and i lost something this week, that i've had since i was a little girl, it was my sisters, and she died, adn i'm devastated, and its the summer solstice this weekend,and ....just feel like i'm the only person on the planet, that is feeling so devastated. Its' as ifeverything is spinning, and i can't stop it, I can't shut it down, to the degree, that i feel so sad, and devastated, i cant function. I had to hire a babysitter to come..oh..god..I'm sorry..
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
In reply to: jbhm
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 10:23am
Please talk to your therepist about post tramautic stress disorder. It is does not just just afflict members of a war. It affects anybody who has suffered serious stress over a period of time. it is something i have just found out and could be a real answer to a lot of my problems. Apparently this is relativley common among those who have been abused but it is not the first thing people think of yet. Unfortunately i think leaving something like this undiagnosed can prevent any real mvement forward. Pleas look into this and ask your local support people. It could be a solutoin to help you make it through this time. Good luck and lots of strength to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
In reply to: jbhm
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 12:35pm
I can hear that you're in a bad place right now, but I think you're doing better than you realize. I am so impressed that you hired a sitter and that you posted here to reach out. This will pass, and you can make it through. Who are your support people? My AMAC group suggested that I make a list of support people for times like this--someone I can call for help when I need it. Having that list really helped me be less afraid of flashbacks.

It sounds like you're dealing with very strong and awful memories. That is so hard, but you are ok now. You're safe now. (((hugs))) Please post again and let us know how you're doing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
In reply to: jbhm
Fri, 06-20-2003 - 8:51pm
I'm doing..I haven't struggled this much ina really long time. A really long time.. I just am struggling...afraid..and my feelings...are all over the board...I'm having to hold onto myself...tightly..and it hurts so be almost to in this much physical and emotional pain. It so many ways..its not so much of should, i kept thinking i shoudl be be better...but i'm better, but i'm better, its just now i feeel it more, i'm in one of my hadrdest moments..thats all..
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2003
In reply to: jbhm
Sat, 06-21-2003 - 7:17pm
One of the things my first therapist told me was that often when people start therapy they grow and overcome to a certain point and then start experiencing the negative emotions again. It's common to feel that you haven't actually made any progress when it happens, when in fact you have made progress and are strong enough that deeper issues and emotions surface. Each time we deal with these we become a little bit stronger and can deal with more. I think that's one reason that the healing journey is so painful. Emotions, memories and feelings come out that we have buried in order to move on with life and have a semblance of peace. It takes a lot of courage to deal with those things head-on instead of shoving them aside and burying them again.

I'm sorry you are going through this--that dark place really sucks. It's so hard to deal when the hurt and pain are so strong. For me it's not just emotional and mental. It affects me physically, as well, to where I feel sick and I hurt all over. I learned from Gail that those times are good times to do d/nd handwriting and dialogue with the child inside, because she is asking to be heard. Doing this carried me through a really difficult period of time a couple of months ago.

Please don't ever apologize for a post. . .we're here to listen and support you! Please come back as often as you need to.

(((gentle, healing hugs)))

Love, Heidi


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